Hesitation and Resolution (Patreon)

"Its' the most violent people that go for love and peace. And I sincerely believe in love and peace. But I am absolutely a violent man who has learned not to be violent and regrets his violence." - John Lennon

I start and finish the 1st part of this diptych on the 17th, and then I'm struck with these overwhelming feelings of doubt. I live in terror of being misunderstood, and subsequently cancelled. That same weekend we're watching Lindsey Ellis' Mask Off video—which btw—I feel is entirely too long, and painful to watch. It will be used against her by the mob, most definitely.

People who get cancelled go through this. They're raked across the coals until they can't stand it anymore, and clap back. Their response is always bitter, and full of heartache. Though I understand and empathize with the need—they're standing up to their bullies—it contributes to the cycle of anger and fear. There's no sense of reconciliation, only scorched Earth. Nevertheless, I completely understand.

The following week I enter round 2 of my capital "T" Trauma therapy. It's a nine day cage match. It will be over this Thursday. Every day I read my account. Every day I am putting myself through a miserable experience...

...I want to clap back too. Oh do I ever.

But thinking about healing and the politics of it, I can't help but wonder what my diptych is accomplishing. Depicting John Lennon in a squash match with "Yokozuna?" What am I getting at? Isn't this just another contribution to the anger cycle?

I decide to do more research. Just how abusive was John Lennon, really? What I learned wasn't pretty. John was not only physically violent, he was verbally abusive as well as his son Sean recounts. 

STILL I have mixed feelings, because it's clear that Lennon was on the right path. There is a complex relationship between Abuser and Victim, a twisted bond that can remain unbroken even after estrangement. I'm going through that now.

The hardest part of it is letting go—and ideally—forgiveness. I'm not ready to forgive, and I think that's what this diptych is actually about. I carry deep seated feelings (and experiences) of betrayal, and these two men reflect that.

Moving forward the piece still makes me uncomfortable. There are flaws in the rationale. It may very well (and justifiably) provoke discomfort/disgust among all the viewers.

But I think that's okay.