Somebody Stop Him [Ch 39-42] (Patreon)

Chapter 39: Rooftop Hot Tub

"Whatever," Katherine started to walk into the tunnel.

"Actually," I looked at the fields of bloom below me. "You guys go ahead. I'm going to sit here for another hour or two. Watch the wildlife. Write ideas down for where to build a lodge."

"Are you... you aren't going to do anything stupid... right?" Kat asked.

"Just going to sit on the ledge and relax," I said. "Go back to the Guild with the others. Ain't nothing gonna hurt me up here. I'll Voicecast Shash and make sure he's nearby and won't let anyone else into this tunnel. I almost died just now because of Ci and Vee. I'd like to just... be alone for a bit please. Leave me Lance's bag. I'm going to go over the stuff in it with Yulia, see what I have to return in five days."

"Fine," Kat let out. She pulled the bag off her shoulder and put it down next to me. "Let's go, Io."

The Mothman gave me a quizzical look of dark gray eyes from under his wide-rimmed hat, but didn't say anything. I was certain he sensed it.

The intent. My desires. My dastardly pans. He didn't say anything.

Both of them vanished in the tunnel.

I waited until their footsteps grew silent and rushed to the rope ladder leading down to the shimmering grasses below.

I felt a bit bad about tricking Kat, but it was for a worthy cause. If she knew of my insane plan she would most likely try to stop me.

This was just backup. I assured myself. Just a bit of a precaution.

In case things went horribly wrong.

Which they usually did.

. . .

The back dining hall of the Gloomy Horse was a cavernous space carved directly from the bedrock, its high ceiling concealed in gloom despite the numerous Kitlix lanterns hanging from iron chains. A massive stone fireplace dominated one wall, Kitlix-managed flames casting dancing shadows across the ancient stone tables and benches.

Cinder and Vespera huddled near the fire, looking scruffy and very annoyed with life in general.

"Sup guys?" I asked.

"Ey," Vee looked up at me. "Not much. Still warming up after our accidental dungeoneering. Bleh. What have you been up to for the past two hours? Kat sat you needed some time alone?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Just prepping some backup plans."

"For?"

"For everything and everyone," I said. "Sort of an endgame strategy thing."

"I see," Vespera said. The Thunderbird's spirit has been thoroughly defeated by cold water and even colder tunnel.

Cinder looked at me wearily, her wings wrapped tightly around herself. Her feathers were shifting through troubled dark blues and icy silvers resembling stormy sky.

"Stay here for a bit more," I said. "I have an idea for some... tower renovations."

"Kay," Vee nodded.

I climbed the tower's winding stairs, emerging onto the highest level. The space was mostly empty except for old tables and dust-covered crates. Perfect.

I dug through Lance's bag until I found what I was looking for - a bricking wand with "Architecture-fix-on-the-go 3000" written on its handle in fading gold letters.

Working quickly, I used Captain's lighter to give myself 700 mana and then wielded the wand to reshape the stone below me, making it a single polished surface without any cracks or holes. The magic flowed easily, the stone responding to my will as if it were clay. Then, I dismantled the shoddy-looking parts of the back column and a bit of the parapet to provide the hot tub its walls and carved a basic stone drain pointing outside of the tower. Within about twenty minutes, I had a decent-looking circular hot tub pool about forty inches deep that would fit five people in it. It featured a stone seat in it with the view of Undertown.

I plugged the drain with a stone-carved plug, and then another flat drain closer to the top to let out any extra water, grinning to myself.

Next came the insta-rain stone, another of Lance's tools similar to what the mermaid nurse used to Phase-Shift herself to a more magical state. I threw it upward and activated it. The stone shattered in the air, creating a small rain cloud that began filling the pool with clean, fresh water.

While the pool filled, I pulled the control mechanism out of most of my hexasuits and shoved them into the water along with the beast cores.

Once the pool was full and warm, I slipped into it and activated my Quartermaster ID tag, calling up each of my team mates starting with our Slayer.

"Yo Vee," I said into the Voicecast when the Thunderbird's weary-looking face appeared on the magitek holo projection. "Hot tub on the roof. Join me!"

"We have a hot tub?! Since when?!" Vespera's voice crackled through the holo-projection, her frown turning into a smile.

"Since I installed one," I grinned, zooming out the projection range to display myself inhabiting the tub in swimming trunks. "Rooftop pool party!"

"Oh sheet. Count me in! Come on rainbow, you could use a dip," Vee's face turned towards Cinder.

"What? But..." Cinder protested weakly.

"No buts! Mmm. Okkay, maybe some butts. In the hot tub. Come on!"

"Kat?" I switched the Voicecast to our Knight. "Hot tub's got your name on it!"

"Ehhh. Gonna pass," Katherine's dragon-feline face ignited on the holo. "Going to explore my city, since we're obviously not registering upstairs."

"Oh, so its your city now?"

"Shush you," she growled, but I could see her trying to hide a smile. "Someone has to scout the area properly via the deep since I know you three idiots are going to want to gawk at and paw at everything later."

"You know me too well," I smiled. "Stay safe, bestie."

She grumbled something under her breath, but her eyes glowed from within with mild amusement before the projection winked out.

"Io? Hot tub?" I called up our Door next.

"Water and moths don't mix well," Io's projection replied, stretching by the fire in a stone alcove. "Besides, this book is getting good. Julie Verne really knows how to write about moon-people."

"Aight, suit yourself," I said, hanging up.

In a few minutes, Vespera burst through the thick wooden door, dragging a protesting Cinder behind her. The Thunderbird's eyes lit up at the sight of the steaming pool.

"Yasss! Just what the doctor ordered!" She exclaimed, already rapidly stripping off her armor.

"Wait!" Cinder yelped, wings flaring with embarrassed pinks as Vee started removing her chainmail. "I don't have any swimming stuff..."

"Too bad, so sad," Vespera grinned mischievously, pulling off her hexasuit to reveal a chainmail bikini underneath. "More human for me."

"YOU are doing this on purpose!"

"All's fair in love and hot tubs," I commented at her.

Vee winked at Cinder, sliding into the water beside me. "Uhhhh." She breathed out, beak open wide. "That's the stuff. Dis' is now officially my best delving experience ever. GJ Quartermaster, never stop breakin' my expectations."

I smiled at her.

"Mmmm..." Vee purred, leaning against me and glancing deviously at the fretting Quetzi. "So... cozy."

"Oi! Get your sparkly talons off him!" Cinder growled, her feathers shifting through violet-greens.

"No talons, only warm burr," Vespera clicked her beak playfully, snuggling closer.

Cinder's feathers flashed through frustrated reds. She glanced between us and the door several times, clearly torn.

"Fine!" She finally burst out as Vee draped her black and white wing around me, sending sparks raining down on my head. "But turn around! Both of you!"

"Yes ma'am," I grinned, sliding around the tub to face the magical view of gloomy Undertown lit by distant glowing moss, fires and Kitlix lanterns. Vee giggled but did the same.

There was rustling of fabric and armor, then a splash as Cinder entered the water. I turned my head to find Cinder sitting in the tub about a meter away, half-submerged under, her wings wrapped around herself like a shield. Her feathers were shifting through embarrassed pinks, golds, violets and nervous silvers. She glanced between the wings at the door again with a worried expression.

"Relax," I said. "I put up Lance's biggest shield ward over the door. Ain't nobody coming up here without my approval."

"Yeah, relax," Vespera commented, wrapping her left wing round me harder. "It's just us here. No need to be so shy."

"I'd love to relax, but someone's being extra handsy," Cinder growled.

"And?" The Thunderbird yawned.

"There's no 'and'. Ju-just stop fraternizing with our Quartermaster!" the Quetzi hissed. "It's... unprofessional!"

"I never claimed to be the paragon of proper delving procedures," Vee shrugged. "I see a shiny, I take it. Come on Ci, use your words. Tell us how you really feel. No need to dance around it."

"I'm not dancing around anything!" Cinder's feathers flashed through defensively annoyed auburn-reds like an autumn tree. "I just... you can't just... he's..."

"Yeeeees?"

"You're bothering me!" Cinder snapped. "With your... your constant flirting and touching and... and..." The Quetzi drew out.

"And what?" Vespera pressed on mischievously.

"And he's not some shiny thing for you to collect! He's... he's important! To me! And you're just... just playing with him like everything's a joke!" Cinder stammered, opening her wings for a moment to reveal a white sports-bra.

"What's wrong with some playin'?" Vespera walked her steel-clad talons along up my shoulder, sending a spark into my cheek that made me twitch.

"I said.. LAY OFF!" Cinder's face stretched out becoming more draconic, her wings ignited with mind-shattering colors, voice laced with magic. I noticed that I slid away from Vee, my body responding to the wing-cast Charmchain order.

"Playing?" Vespera's voice grew serious, her usual playful tone vanishing as she too slid away from me, sparks dancing between feathers. "You think that's what all this is? Just me playing around?"

"Isn't it?" Cinder challenged. "Everything's a game to you! You're always joking, always pretending nothing matters..."

"Some things do matter," the Thunder-girl crossed her arms. "I do joke. I do pretend. Because that's how I cope with the fact that in four months, I'm supposed to marry someone I hate! Someone whom I have to rewrite my brain for, become the perfect Primo-wife for!"

The extra, alien, hard to define colors melted away from Cinder's wings.

"I'm not like you or Io, Cee!" Vespera declared angrily. "I'm always in mild Phase-Shift, ALWAYS keep a tight control of myself through Dreamancy. I don't Phase-Shift into an effin' rainbow-snake constantly like some Quetzis, nor do I constantly dull my predatory desires with interdimensional puff-bliss like some moths!"

Cinder seemed to deflate a little more, snout drawing back in.

"I had perfect control over my feeings... until this damned pinkie showed up," Vespera continued, gesturing at me. "This whack human who just... who makes whack plans to save me for some bloody reason. Who makes me feel like maybe, just maybe, I don't have to unamake myself."

Cinder crossed her arms.

"I care about Lexy," Vee decared. "Just like you do. Except... unlike you, I'm not afraid to admit it!"

The Quetzi frowned.

"I'm not simply afraid!" Cinder protested. "I just... it's... Ughhhh..."

"Stop making it complicated," Vespera stated. "You like him. He likes you. What's so hard about that?"

"Everything!" Cinder's wings flared. "He's... he's human! And he's incredibly dishonest about so many things and he might get deported when we get back, or my parents might find out that he's here illegally and..."

"And what?" Vespera pressed. "Danger is the spice of life! So what if he's human? So what if he's a cheeky trickster? He lies to protect himself, to survive. To help his friends. Unlike certain ruby dragons we know!"

"That's... that's not the point!" Cinder's feathers danced through frustrated oranges like a living sunset.

"Then state ya point, ya freakin' knob!" Vee splashed water at her friend.

"The point is... everything's changing so fast. He's changing everything. The school, my family, my friends... even me! And I... I don't know if I'm ready for that," Cinder confessed.

"Ready for what?" I interjected. "For having real friends who care about you?"

"Friends?! This spark-harpy isn't behaving like a friend!" Cinder snarled, waving an accusatory clawed hand at the Thunderbird.

"Oh?" Vespera clicked her beak. "And how should a friend behave? Like Em? Controlling everything you do? Making you feel worthless unless you meet her impossible standards of absolute koboldization?"

"That's not..." Cinder started.

"Or maybe like me before?" Vespera continued. "Just going along with whatever Em wanted? Watching you slowly, unknowingly lose yourself to an Outsider Entity and doing heck-all about it?"

"Stop it," Cinder hissed.

"No," Vespera's gray eyes flashed. "You need to hear this. Real friends tell you the truth, even when it hurts. Real friends support you being yourself, not what they want you to be. Real friends..."

"Real friends don't try to steal each other's humans!" Cinder burst out, her wings flaring with deeper sunset reds and possessive violets.

"I'm not stealing anything," Vespera replied calmly. "I'm investigating him. He's interesting."

"Investigating?!" Cinder sputtered. "Is that what you call draping yourself all over him? Investigating?!"

"Yep," Vespera snapped her talons, seding more sparks into my chest. "The draping her purpose. And I've discovered some very interesting things. Like how his heart rate speeds up when you get close to him. Or how his eyes follow your wings when you move. Or how he's literally planning to build a city just to make Kat happy. To help Io with finding the truth. To help me with my dum thing! It's too kind and wholesome and I don't trust kind and wholesome."

"Too kind?" Cinder blinked. "You think he's TOO kind?"

"Yes!" Vespera threw up her hands, sending sparks flying all over me. "Nobody is this selfless! Nobody just... decides to help everyone around them for no reason! There has to be an angle, a catch, a... something!"

"Actually," I raised my hand. "There is a catch."

Both girls turned to look at me. Vespera slid to my side and put her magisteel-taloned hand on my shoulder, looking at my eyes.

"If I don't secure your trust I'll be perma-dead in a couple of weeks," I said.

"What?" Cinder blinked.

"The Frontenachii Scrutimancers are on my trail," I confessed. "Yulia's been tracking their movements south. They will come to Skyfall to bag me. If I don't secure your trust, next Friday will be the last time you and I see each other because then I'll be staying here, on Arx on a permanent basis. All of my life is already in that bag."

I pointed at Lance's backpack. "So. If you don't trust me, then it's goodbye Skyfall high!"

"Stay... here?" Cinder repeated, eyes growing wide. "What?!"

"Yes," I said. "Stay here! Fortify the hell out of this place with the cash from selling more Genesis fluid. Then... destroy the Arx gate from both ends, which would hopefully give me decades to get stronger, become a proper Archmage. Unlike you, I've been asking around, paying attention! There are humans living on Arx! From what Shash told me, all of the Shandrian High Lords are human. In fact, a human lordling David-something just bought a lighthouse smithy with a dragon slave and turned it into a cafe right above us!" I pointed my index finger at the ceiling. "People can level up in Shandria, grow crystaline heart cores slowly over time!"

"But... your life..." Cinder stammered out, derailed by my revelations.

"What life?" I asked sharply. "My mom's dead. My uncle's on his last leg, maybe has a few years left. The Frontenachii scruts will find me and take Yulia away from me, cut me up into a flesh-cube and put me into a suitcase. You read the binder I gave you, did you not? You know what they do to humans. The catch is that I need both of you to trust me wholeheartedly and watch my back in Skyfall as my partners while I do everything in my power to help you... Or you reject me and then we part ways forever next Friday, which would make me quite sad 'cus I do like you both!"

"But..." Cinder's wings drooped. "That's not fair!"

"Life isn't fair," I shrugged. "But at least I'm being honest about my situation. I need both of you. Your absolute trust. Your friendship. Your protection. In return, I'll do everything in my power to help you. That's the deal. Simple as."

"And if we refuse?" Vespera asked, talons sparkling all over my shoulder.

"Then I stay here," I said simply. "Build my human colony. Maybe hang out with Lord David, visit his lighthouse cafe for breakfast. Maybe die from an arrow to the face exploring my dungeon. Who knows? But at least I'll die free, on my own terms. The Wendigos don't let their test subjects die!"

Cinder lowered her eyes.

"What?" I asked. "Welcome to my world, Ci. A world where I have to constantly think three steps ahead of everyone just to survive. Where I have to manipulate and scheme and plan because if I don't, I end up in a Wendigo compound. Do you want to see Yulia's video of the rows and rows of cages filled with sliced up, splayed humans? Humans put into suitcases? Humans cut in half and still kept alive with vile preservation magic for centuries?"

The Quetzi swallowed.

"You wanted honesty? Here it is. Raw and ugly. I'm not playing games. I'm fighting for survival. Every move I make, every person I befriend, every plan I set in motion - it's all part of staying alive and free. And maybe, just maybe, making things better for others along the way."

"That answers that," Vespera said. "You pass."

"Pass what?" Cinder demanded.

"Everything," the Thunderbird clicked, letting go of me. "I must admit, I did have some minor reservations but they're now answered."

"You were testing him?" Cinder demanded.

"Of course," Vespera shrugged. "I am aways testing him. I can read lies with electrical impulses. Duh. The answer he provided is acceptable. As the firstborn Princess of the House of Simmi I henceforth claim this human as my property. If anyone has objections, voice them now."

"WHAT?!" Cinder's feathers exploded with furious reds and violent blacks. "You can't just... CLAIM him!"

"I just did," Vespera clicked her beak smugly. "By the ancient laws of Thunderland, it is thus. Any challenges must be issued formally through..."

"Challenge issued!" Cinder snarled, her wings flaring wide. "You sparkly harpy! You..."

"Challenge accepted," Vespera clicked "Terms?"

"Terms?!" Cinder sputtered.

"Yes, terms," Vespera said patiently. "How shall we settle this dispute over properly ownership, Miss Nova? A duel to the death? A formal agreement between two most noble houses? Or perhaps... something more interesting?"

"You can't just claim people out of the blue!"

"Au contraire mon ami, I can indeed claim humans," Vespera clicked. "The ancient clan laws are quite clear on the matter. As the Princess of Thunder, I have the right to claim any free range human that catches my interest. Unless..." She paused dramatically. "Someone else has a prior claim, perchance?"

Cinder's feathers shifted through a kaleidoscope of colors - angry reds, possessive violets, embarrassed pinks.

"I... I..." she stammered.

"Yeeeees?" Vespera pressed, gray eyes gleaming. "Do you have a prior claim, Miss Nova? Perhaps something you'd like to share with the class?"

"I... he's... URGHHHH!" Cinder threw up her wings in frustration, sending water splashing everywhere. "Fine! Yes! I claimed him! Are you happy now?! I like this stupid, reckless, impossible human who keeps turning my life upside down!"

"So you claimed him... when?" Vespera tilted her beak.

"T-two days ago," Cinder confessed with a slight stammer. "I put a magical marker in his head as my property. It sorta broke him for a bit. Happy?"

I squinted at Cinder.

"You did what to my head?" I asked. "When was this?"

"When you wouldn't tell me shit and I snuck into your room," Cinder muttered. "I... may have... put a tiny bit of my magic in your mind. Just a small mark! To keep track of you! To see if you were being honest! Because you keep doing insanely stupid things and lying and getting into trouble!"

"Ah," I said. "The Meta-narrator moment when your dad locked down the ward and I lost distinction between thought and conversation. That made me feel pretty messed up. Thanks."

"That explains what I thought I felt in the current," Vespera clicked. "Thank you. I was wondering who's soul bit it was."

"Just a tiny tracking mark!" Cinder protested, wings flaring. "A completely normal, totally reasonable precaution! You know how he is, damn it!!!"

"Mm-hmmm," Vespera tapped her beak with an steel-clad talon. "Welp, I'm not gonna concede."

She suddenly dropped into the water on her knees and wrapped her hands around Cinder's legs.

"What are you doing?!" Cinder yelped, trying to shove Vee aside.

"Begging," Vee looked up. "Pretty please, can I co-own him?"

"Co-own?!" Cinder sputtered. "What... what are you talking about?"

"I'll be good, I promise! I'll only borrow him on weekends and... Wednesdays! I'll be extra nice!"

"Is this an Omnid thing?" I asked, raising a eyebrow.

"Ye," Vespera answered, still clinging to Cinder's legs. "She claimed you as property in the most ancient way. I must therefore beg for joint ownership."

"This is ridiculous!" Cinder growled, trying to shake Vee off. "Get up! You're embarrassing yourself!"

"And I'll embarrass myself harder," the Thunderbird stated. "And embarrass you. Please? Pretty please with lightning on top?"

"No!" Cinder's wings flared with possessive violets. "Piss off!"

"Come on," Vespera pouted. "I'll be a responsible co-owner! I'll feed him, walk him, make sure he doesn't get into trouble..."

"This is the weirdest conversation I've ever been part of," I commented.

"Pweeeeeease?" Vespera begged, still clinging to Cinder's legs. "I'll let you be the primary owner! I just want visitation rights! I'll pay, do whatever you want!"

"No!" Cinder's feathers bristled. "Stop making this weird!"

"I'll make it weirder," Vespera threatened. "I'll start singing. In public. Badly. About how unfair you are. Write sad songs about unrequited thunder-love."

"WHAT?!"

"Oh Cinder, my heart's cruel jailer," Vespera began in a deliberately off-key voice. "Won't share her human, what a terrible failure..."

"How weirded out should I be about being claimed?" I asked from my seat.

"Your opinion is irrelevant," Vee waved me off with a grin. "Humans don't have rights."

"Gee thanks," I fired back.

"Come onnnnn," Vespera returned to whining up at Cinder.

"For the last time, NO!" Cinder smacked Vespera. "Lay off!"

"I'm not gonna lay off," Vespera insisted. "I'm gonna cling to you n' beg till you give in."

"No means no," Cinder growled, trying to pry Vespera off her legs unsuccessfully. "Stop being ridiculous! Let go of me! Don't make me use my wings! I said-LET GO!"

Cinder's wings detonated with blinding colors, voice echoed unnaturally, cutting across my soul. I blinked as my brain momentarily careened sideways trying to let go of Cinder whom I wasn't even holding onto.

. . .

Vespera didn't let go. She clung on harder, trembling and blinking.

"Vespera, I said..." Cinder hiss-growled, still speaking with magic-laced words.

"No..." Vespera's voice cracked. Her gray eyes filled with sparks of tears. "You don't understand... I... I need this. I need him. Please!!!"

"What?" Cinder paused in her attempts to shake Vee off. "The Abyss do you need him for?!"

"Please," Vespera sobbed, her playful demeanor melting away. "You don't understand. In four months... four months and I'll never... I'll never be me again. My father will... he'll force me to erase myself... I can't... I need something real. Something true. Please! Please don't take this away from me!"

"You can't just... emotionally blackmail me into whatever this is! That's not how this works!" Cinder looked down with a scowl.

I quietly wondered if this is how Omnid relationships worked. Would be nice to ask Yulia these things, but she wasn't connected to the net now and would potentially hallucinate a made-up answer.

"I need someone who sees me," Vespera continued through her tears. "Who knows the real me. Not the ditzy party girl. Not the perfect heir. Just... me. Please!!! I'll do anything. I'll... I'll sign whatever contract you want! I'll swear not to joke again. I'll sit with you in your dreams every night, for as long as it takes, even if it takes us decades, even if it takes my entire lifetime to stop the high-level Outsider from the lake door! Please... please... I don't want to wake up one day as not me... Please... Ci! I'm begging you... I can't... I can't...."

She broke down completely, her shoulders shaking with sobs.

"You..." Cinder sighed deeply. "You really mean it?"

"No games," Vespera hiccuped. "Not about this. Never about this. Come on, look... I'm crying. I thought that I got that all out of me in Dreamwalking... Blah. Blasted human giving me blasted feelings! This is like the first time I cried IRL since I was six. Ah. Your Charmchain must have broken some barrier-stuff in my head. Thanks a lot, Ci."

Cinder's she looked down at the sobbing Thunderbird.

"Vee..." she said softly. "Why do you even give a shit about the chain-soul-tag? I honestly expected you to just flip me off and fly off to lightning-make out with him or... something else equally stupid."

"Cus... sometime... before summer break, I'll need to get engaged to this pink sausage," Vespera pointed a magisteel claw at me. "Properly. Legally. With a Nazarite Archpriest Soul Binder who'd absolutely see your claim and would refuse to bind me to someone else's claimed soul! I need to, HAVE to void the chains tying me to Golden Star! I want to do this right. I don't want to steal him from under you. I don't want to trick anyone. I want... I want something real! Something honest. For once in my life, I want to not pretend, damn it!"

Her voice cracked as more tears came.

"And... and maybe if I do this right, if I follow the rules... maybe you'll trust me. Maybe we can be real friends, not just... not just people who hang out and get very drunk and smack monsters because Em said so. Maybe..."

She trailed off into silence, sparking tears falling into the water.

"Maybe..." Cinder sighed deeply, feathers dancing with troubled green-violet-blues and uncertain silvers. "Maybe we already are friends, Vee. Real friends."

"R-really?" Vespera looked up, gray eyes wide and hopeful through her tears.

"Yes, you stupid bird," Cinder's wings wrapped around them both. "Real friends. Who apparently share dreams... and humans now. Somehow. Against my better judgment."

"You mean it?" Vespera sniffled. "You'll... you'll let me co-own him? Thank you! Thank yooouuuu, thaaaank youuuuuu!"

She dug into Cinder with her talons even harder, making the Quetzalcoatl wince.

"Under conditions," Cinder stated firmly. "First - no more surprise kidnappings."

"But what if..."

"No. More. Kidnappings." Cinder's voice brooked no argument.

"Fine," Vespera pouted. "No more surprise kidnappings. What else?"

"No more surprise mind-melding with him!" Cinder stated.

"Fine," Vespera grumbled with a sour face. "Freakin' square dragon don't appreciate any freakin' spontaneity. What else?"

"Let go so I can feel my legs," Cinder ordered.

"Done. Anythin' else?" The Thunderbird released her.

"I don't know what else!" Cinder huffed. "I didn't think we'd get this far in this particular direction. Ughhhh."

She stretched and waddled over to me and sat by my side. "I blame you for all of this."

"Me?" I raised an eyebrow. "What did I even do? I don't have magic powers to claim people. I'm just chilling in the tub I made, trying to cope with whatever you did to me two days ago."

"You know what you freaking did, you manipulative ass!" she growled, elbowing me.

Vespera slid into the stone seat beside Cinder, glancing at me. "Yeah. Making everyone feel things and care about stuff! Quite devious of you!"

"I am a dastardly human villain," I grinned. "Though I must point out that nobody asked said human about being property."

"Nobody asked the sofa if it wanted to be sat on either," Vespera clicked dismissively, sinking down to enjoy the warmth. "Or the hot tub if it wanted to be filled with bubbling water. Property doesn't get a vote."

"That's... rather concerning," I commented.

"Welcome to Omnithornia," Cinder sighed. "Where humans have fewer rights than furniture."

"But at least you're premium furniture," Vespera added cheerfully sending me a thumbs up. "Like, really fancy premium furniture. With benefits!"

"What benefits?" I arched an eyebrow.

"Like getting to sit in hot tubs with pretty predator girls," Vespera winked.

"Oh yes, such terrible benefits," I rolled my eyes. "Being claimed as property by two apex predators who can't decide if they want to fight over me or share me. Truly, I am blessed."

"Oi! You are blessed," Vespera clicked. "Do you know how many humans would kill to be in your position?"

"None," I said flatly. "Because they're all terrified of your magic powers. I barely survive the day. I was an adventurer till I got an arrow thru' the lung!"

"Details," Vespera waved dismissively with a smirk at my Skylord joke. "The point is, you get us. Both of us! That's like... winning the lottery twice!"

"And all it cost was my basic human rights," I sighed dramatically. "Such a bargain."

"Oh shush," Vespera poked me stretching a hand across Cinder. "I'll give you rights... later."

"What kind of rights?" I asked.

"The right to sit still and look pretty. The right to carry my shopping bags on weekends..." Vespera clicked her beak mischievously and yelped when Cinder elbowed her. "Ow! Watch the ribs! ...The right to claim us back."

"The right to... what?" Cinder choked.

"Claim us back," Vespera nodded with a sage expression. "I mean, it's only fair. If we get to claim him, he should get to claim us too."

"How's he gonna do that with no magic?" the Quetzi demanded.

"Ci," Vespera shook her head stretching herself across our laps, slipping back into Valley girl accent. "You're pretty, but so dum' sometimes, ya kno'? He channeled lightning through me. He Dreamwalked. Ya get what this means, right? You can make a shake outta those feathers and we can teach him to claim us both, Omnid style. Maybe if we're proper blood and soul-bound to each other, we won't need that lighter as much, yeah? After all, that mana-rich fuel will run out."

"Blood bond?" Cinder flashed with orange-reds. "Two-directional soul-bond?! That's... That's really serious stuff, Vee. Like, permanent serious. Forever serious. That's... that's basically marriage. Like, old-school, ancient-rites marriage!"

"Yes," Vespera's playful tone vanished. "That's the point. I want something permanent. Something real. Something that can't be taken away or rewritten by my family's orders or lightning. I'm genuinely happy with you two. Satisfied. You're quite tolerable for a Quetzi and a human. This is my nest."

She padded our legs.

"This is my new clan," steel-covered talons reached out, sending sparks against our hearts. "No takebacksies."

"Feels like we're going a little fast there," Cinder pursed her lips, her face looking nearly 85% human now.

"I don't have time to go slow," Vespera shook her feathered mane. "I NEED to get engaged to someone special before summer. You've got an Outsider in your soul. Lex doesn't have time to fluff around, he's got Wendigos on his... tail? Uhm. Butt? Whatever!"

"Still... you're asking for a lot," Cinder said. "Soul-bonds aren't something to rush into."

"Says the girl who already tagged him! Also," Vespera clicked. "We DO have some time get to know each other better before I'm force-shipped to Thunderland. I've thought about this. A lot. Since last night when we shared dreams. When I felt how broken you are inside, how that thing from the lake is eating at you, how you're still standing strong, fighting off something so high level against all odds. And him..." She poked me. "He's got two souls already. What's two more?"

"Two souls?!" Cinder sputtered. "What?! HOW?!"

"I don't know," Vespera squinted up at me. "Humans don't normally have two souls. Yet here we are. When I scanned him Tuesday he had one soul. One static pattern. And on Friday he had two human patterns in him. It's like... Mmm... Human to the power of human. Weirdest shit ever. Another mystery."

"How in the Abyss do you have two souls?" Cinder demanded.

"Alexa and Martin," I said. "Alexa showed up after I jumped into the Genesis Pool."

Vespera's gray eyes went wide. "You did WHAT?"

"He jumped into the Genesis Pool while alive," Cinder explained. "Thursday, after Em knocked him out with a dodgeball in Coach Canard's class. He just... dove right in. Watched him do it."

"And you LET HIM do that?!"

"I didn't LET him do shit!" Cinder protested. "He just... did it! Before I could stop him. One second he was sitting in his wheelchair, the next he just... jumped in! I had to fish him out!"

"And you didn't think to mention this earlier?!" Vespera demanded.

"I was a bit busy dealing with everything else!" Cinder's feathers flashed defensively. "Like him infiltrating my house, charming my parents, harvesting my brother's gear, banishing our delving instructor, buying criminal organizations..."

"Fair point," Vespera conceded. "But still... jumping into Genesis fluid while alive? That's..."

"What?" I asked.

"That's a ticket straight to insanity," Vespera said. "From what I've read on Inca' research. There was a case from a few decades ago. An old Omnid fell into his incarnator while alive for a few hours and nobody helped him out. He came out... wrong, mad, mentally broken. Started claiming he was human named Elleanora Gamp Douglass. Was freaking out about everything. Couldn't remember his own name, his own life. 'Ey Put the ol' coot into an insane asylum."

"That's... not what happened to me," I said. "I saw Alexa there. She hugged me. Told me to find our other four friends, I think. Then I got pulled out."

"Other four?" Vespera clicked. "What other four?"

"He's talking about Katherine's book characters," Cinder explained. "He says he's Alexa. One of the main characters. Or has her soul. Or something. I don't know, it's freaking confusing."

"Wait, what?" Vespera sat up. "Katherine's book? The one Em posted online to make fun of her?"

"Yeah," Cinder nodded. "Apparently he's... connected to it somehow."

"Emerald is connected to it too," I said. "Another reason why I didn't let her die."

"What do you mean Em is connected to it?" Cinder blinked.

"Remember how Em became obsessed with the antagonist?" I asked. "Ember? The selfish jackass who kept trying to stop Alexa from helping others?"

"Yeah," Cinder nodded. "She wouldn't shut up about how Ember was the real hero and Alexa was just a villain who..."

She trailed off, eyes widening.

"Oh," she breathed.

"Exactly," I nodded. "Em isn't just obsessed with Ember. She IS Ember. Just like I'm Alexa and also Martin. Maybe we were them in our previous life, and we just... forgot."

"Previous life?" Vespera asked. "That's not a thing. The Wheel sucks up all dead souls to Arx."

"Yeah," Cinder nodded. "Em can't be... she's not..."

"It might be a thing. Maybe we didn't die. Maybe the System Wizards, things like Zee Captain overwrote us, changed us... because I went outside of their narrative, broke their System or whatever. Think about it," I said. "Why did Em save you that night at the lake? Why did she help you get revenge? Because that's what Ember would do - save someone to control them, to make them dependent. To prove that her way is the only way."

"But..." Cinder's feathers shifted through troubled grays. "That would mean..."

"That would mean that Katherine's story isn't just a story," Vespera finished. "It's something more. Something real. Sheeet. Em was legit crazy obsessed over destroying Kat emotionally over her silly human heroes book. It didn't make any sense. I told her like a million times to drop it, that she was wasting so much effort n' time obsessin' over it, but she just didn't give."

"And you think..." Cinder swallowed. "You think Em is becoming Ember because she read Kat's story?"

"No," I shook my head. "I think she was always Ember. Just like I was always Alexa. The story just... woke something up. Something that was already there. When I ducked Emerald into the Genesis Well... I think that she remembered more of it. She didn't say it out loud, but she absolutely knew. I think that she hates humans because she remembers herself being a human superhero in another life, remembers the human vilain... Alexa beating the shit out of her."

"That makes no sense," Cinder protested. "Em's a full-blood dragon. She can't be... she wasn't..."

"She was," I said, tapping the side of my head. "The memories are there, just... buried. Fragmented. Hidden. Overwritten by the System Wizards."

"Wait. Am I in it? Was I overwritten too? I don't recall being particularly bothered by Kat's art or book," Vespera said, looking at me and Cinder.

I reached to where my phone was sitting behind us and showed Vee Katherine's sketches from when I crashed into her. "Do you recognize this town? Saint Mary? Look at this painting," I pulled up Katherine's art from the hall. "There are four kids sitting under that tree." I pointed. "Martin. Alexa. Katherine. Ember."

"Yeah," Vespera sighed, squinting at the art. "I feel nothing. I'm none of these peeps."

"I think that... I'm Alexa," Cinder let out. "Except.... I'm not like her. I'm missing... something."

"Maybe whatever you're missing is in me," I said. "Maybe you got some Martin in you. Maybe when things were overwritten, we swapped around or something. Maybe whatever we did in our past life confused the Wizards enough for them to make mistakes."

"Or the Outsider managed to suck the drive out of Ci," Vespera commented.

Cinder frowned.

Vespera looked at my phone. "Dang, I feel super jelly 'cus you guys have a secret thing. Can I see more?"

Yulia continued flipping through Kat's most recent sketches as the Thunderbird held it in her talons.

"Wait," Vespera said. "Stop. Go back. Again. That girl in the pink space suit. Who is that?"

"That's... Dora the Terraformer, I think," Cinder said. "A hero. One of the great five."

"What'd she do?" Vee demanded.

"Invent shit," Cinder replied. "I dunno. It's been ages since I've read Kat's book or seen her concept art. "Dora wasn't a nice girl. Brilliant but somewhat amoral, I think? She'd invent these amazing things - AIs, nanobots, med-guns, all sorts of futuristic tech."

"Med guns," Vespera blinked. "Hol' up. That gun Io used on your chest." She poked the silver patch with a talon. "Was that..."

"Yes," I nodded. "It was Dora's med-gun design. That's what the text on the side said."

"Kat said that most of her book was inspired by random shit Io pulled from his doomed dimension gates," Cinder said thoughtfully.

"So.... I was... this... Dora?" Vee blinked, running her talons through her feathers. "And my work is still... out there, somewhere? Sheeeet. Was Dora... one of the bad guys or something?"

"She was one of the top heroes," Cinder nodded. "A real corpo-beerch who made up all sorts of rules for others but rarely followed them herself. Alexa tricked Dora a few times, along with the other five heroes who ruled the Superstate from their Titanomachy megastructure."

"What happened to her?" Vespera asked eagerly.

"I don't know," Cinder sighed. "Alexa kicked everyone's ass with her clever hijinks, including Dora and sacrificed herself and... that's where Em posted the draft online. Kat stopped writing after that."

"Hrm," Vee clicked. "I'll have to bug Kat about this Dora character. This... interests me."

"We can interrogate her about this when she returns," I said. "Slowly. She's shy about her work."

"She's not shy," Cinder corrected. "She's traumatized. Em took something private and personal and turned it into a joke. Made Kat feel like her art, her writing was worthless. Ugh," she buried her face in her arms. "I feel so bad about all of this. I need to figure out how to make it up to Kat."

"Welp, this is some deep sheet," Vespera clicked thoughtfully. "But I guess that I don't mind. Maybe I was this Dora jerk in another life. It don't matter now. Now I'm me. Vespy. And I'm glad that I found you before I erased myself and became just another cold cruel corpo-beerch."

She hugged both of us tightly. "Don't abandon me, ye? Please."

"Never," I hugged her back. "Never ever ever."

Chapter 40: The Shark

Katherine slid through reality, mostly submerged the deep like a shadow, untouchable, unseen, nearly impossible to focus on.

The abandoned, desolate version of Undertown stretched out around her, layered under mundane physical reality, buildings warped and distorted as if seen through dark water between the state of intact and in ruin.

Halfway in the deep, everything was muted and strange. Colors bled away leaving only shades of gray and black. Sounds came as if from very far away, echoing oddly.

She moved silently through the twisted streets, mapping the terrain, listening to conversations, tracking, sniffing, determining the source of all fear, suffering, misery and pain that permeated the Shandrian underworld like a smothering blanket. A blanked that sated her Predator-Phase, fueled her crystalline heart, made her legs work properly.

Katherine slithered deeper into the twisted streets, following the trail of addiction and despair that led like breadcrumbs. The scent of Topaz was unmistakable - a sickly sweet crisp smell of false dreams that clung to everything in Undertown. It poured from blue-tinted skin-wrapped cigars in people's mouths, it pulsed from the drinks many bloated figures were nursing. It emanated from the crystalline azure-blue powder some were inhaling within the Topaz dens all around.

Shadows twisted and writhed around her as she moved, deep Echoes responding to her presence. In the deep, she was more than just herself, she was a Stollwurm - she was a living nightmare, a predator that fed on fears, the Queen of Echoes, drawn to suffering, sated by deepest darkest nightmares of others imprinted on everything down below.

She wasn't a big fan of it all, but she was born with it, grew up with it, accepted the deep as part of who she was. Now she was using her power to protect her delving team, feeling that if she didn't help out now, then Undertown would most likely chew them all up and then swallow them whole.

The trail of fears led her to a large underground cavern at the Eastern side of Undertown. The biggest Topaz den, the source of a river of fear and misery blooming nasty, albeit deliciously crunchy Echoes across the deep.

She phased right through doors which were all missing in the deep. The aura of the magic drug's presence was overwhelming here - a nauseating miasma of artificial dreams crawling atop shattered hopes. It poured from the blue-tinted, swollen bodies of addicts covering the floor of the den cavern.

Katherine inhaled the misery and rushed upstairs, phasing through several magisteel-plated doors heading into the biggest, fanciest room she could find. One that smelled of fear of power, of greed and hoarding gold.

The Stollwurm melted into the darkest corner of the luxurious office, emerging a bit out of the deep to spy on its inhabitant. The space was opulent - all polished obsidian and gold trim, with expensive rugs and ancient artifacts displayed in glass cases. A weird-looking, large, faded painting-sculpture made from what looked like a bunch of ossified digits hung behind the owner of this domain.

A fat, balding, blue-tinted human in gold and blue robes sat behind a mahogany table, tapping a bloated, artifact-ring covered finger into a very large crystal ball.

Katherine instantly recognized Gabriella Matrosin, the catgirl bank attendant, who stared back at the Den owner from the crystalline Voicecast sphere.

"Explain it to me again. What happened to this year's Topaz shipment, Gabs?" the man demanded. "I have distributors waiting. Important people. The kind that don't like to be kept waiting. Why do I have to waste my time calling you myself about this?"

"Apologies, Grand Moloch Arkenish," Gabriella's projection flickered in the crystal ball. "There's been... a complication."

"What complication?" Arkenish growled.

"Lord Zalimar didn't come through the gate," Gabriella let out. "Only his students came through. I was waiting for him all day, but he didn't show up."

"What do you mean Zalimar didn't come through?!" Arkenish demanded. "He always comes through! He's our supplier! He's never been late with a shipment! What happened to him?"

"I asked the last party of novitiate student delvers from Arx about it," Gabriella sighed, her whiskers twitching. "According to their Student President and highest ranked Captain, Quint... a group of rowdy students challenged Lord Zalimar to a duel to the death."

"A duel?" Arkenish sputtered. "And then what?!"

"And then they won," Gabriella said with a deep frown. "They banished him into another dimension. Quint told me that they can't reach him. He said that Zalimar will be gone for two weeks from his job at the very least. Due to the temporal dilation, that's.... over three years of no Topaz shipments."

"THREE YEARS?!" Arkenish slammed his fist on the desk. "WHAT?! Who challenged him? Who has the audacity to disrupt our business?!"

"A new delving team from Earth," Gabriella said. "They call themselves 'I Love You'. Human-looking Quartermaster Alexander Glock, Quetzalcoatl Captain Cinder Nova, Slayer Thunderbird Vespera Simmi, Door Mothman Iogann Wanderer, and Knight Stollwurm Katherine Kells."

Katherine's emerald eyes narrowed at the mention of her name.

Gabriella pulled a canvas from her robes and unfurled it. The paint on it swirled, images of the five students forming on the canvas one by one.

"Find them!" Arkenish growled. "Find them so that I can peel the flesh off their bones and..."

"Already found," Gabriella interrupted. "According to our Scrutimancers they went to Undertown. They're staying at the Gloomy Horse Guild. Our agents are already closing in. We should have them up bagged soon."

"Good," Arkenish leaned back in his chair. "Nobody disrupts my business. Nobody! I want their fingers before this day ends."

"Of course," Gabriella nodded. "Our business with Lord Zalimar cannot be disrupted for so long. Far too much valuable trade is tied to the Shandrian Earth-Arx gate. These kids won't see another sunrise. We'll make them disappear, chop them up and gate their bracelets to the deepest, most dangerous dungeon. You'll have new fingers mounted on that wall soon, don't fret."

Katherine looked up at the weird 2.5D painting behind the man. She realized that it was made from fingers of various colors.

"Good tomorrow, Grand Moloch," the crystal ball went dark as Gabriella's image faded away.

Arkenish slammed his fists into the table, making the wood groan.

"DAMNATION!" He barked and then started to mutter to himself. "There bloody years. Three years! Damn it all! I have to call up all of the warehouses... have to make the supplies we already have last... order duplicator mages to copy what we have... stretch the lesser quality copied stuff over the years, increase the price."

Arkenish slumped back in his chair, muttering more colorful curses under his breath. He reached for a fat cigar, his hands shaking slightly as he lit it, exhaling the blue-tinted smoke.

Katherine emerged fully from the deep, her emerald eyes blazing. Arkenish's head snapped up, the cigar falling from his trembling fingers as her magisteel-covered claws closed around his neck, lifting the man up with ease from his seat.

"Who... how did you..." he stammered, trying to reach for something under his desk.

Katherine pulled the fat man into the deep and unleashed her aura, pouring all of the fear and pain she's collected from the roaming across Undertown into the fat man.

He screamed, flailed his her grip, eyes bulging in horror.

"Hello," Katherine hissed. "I hear you're having supply chain issues."

"You..." The man let out, shaking in her claws. "You're one of them... Earth-delvers! K-Katherine Kells!"

"Yes," she growled. "And you better recall those assassins if you want to live."

"I... I cannot!" The Grand Moloch bawled. "I'm just the distributor! The Undertown Topaz Den proprietor! The Arx Bank controls everything from above! Please... I'm just a middleman! R-rep Gabriella... she's the one who forwards the order of the Bankers to the enforcers! They're the ones who..."

"How long?" Katherine tightened her grip, letting more fear seep into the man's mind.

"T-thirty m-minutes," the man cried. "In thirty minutes your friends will be arrested and executed!"

"Tell me everything quickly," she growled. "About the bank. About Gabriella. About the Topaz trade. Everything."

"The... the Arx B-Bank controls everything!" Arkenish gasped through her iron grip. "They... they own most of Shandria! The Topaz trade... it's just one part of their operation! We all work for them, me n Gabs, every Guild in U-Undertown obeys the Loan Sharks! Everyone d-down here is indebted to the Arx Bank! They own many i-independent city states all across Arx!"

"How many city states?"

"I... I don't know the exact number!" The man trembled. "It is a very vast network, encompassing p-parts of the Shadow Empire and f-far, far beyond it. You and your friends are already dead! The B-Bankers... They're... they're not gonna stop till they feed you to the Shadows! Nobody can get away from th-their enforcer mages! Y-you kids made a b-big mistake! Nobody screws with their interdimensional suppliers!"

"Nobody?" Katherine's eyes flashed dangerously. "Watch me."

"Please!" he begged, shaking in her claws. "I'll give you anything! Money! Power! Women! Men! Children! Anything you desire! Just don't..."

"Shut up," Katherine growled. "I'm not interested in your pathetic bribes. I want information. Weaknesses. Names. Locations. Everything, everyone that you know that ties Undertown to the Arx Bankers and Zalimar!"

"I... I can't!" Arkenish whimpered. "They'll kill me! They'll kill my family! They'll..."

Katherine's claws tightened, drawing blood. "I can do much, much worse." She promised. "You'll wish that you were dead."

The man screamed as her Stollwurm aura pounded into his psyche, tearing it asunder.

"No! NO more! Please!!!" The man sobbed, shaking like a leaf. "The Loan Sharks... they're not normal Arx-kin. They're... they're something else. Something ancient, something from another dimension. They've been running things on Arx since before the Shadow Empire rose up to take o-over Shandria! They have Skyships that travel between cities! Gates that can go anywhere on Arx! More p-permanent, i-interdimensional gates! There are several branches of the Arx Bank in Shandria... Closest one is next to the Cathedral. One in the Guild District on 382 Barbariss Street. The third one is in the central Market District, facing the Gilded Gryphon Inn. There is a secret b-branch in Undertown in the Assassins Guild. There's a yellow folder in my safe behind the finger-sculpture! It has names of all the Arx Bank reps I work with... everything I know about them! I've been collecting information about t-them and their s-servants! Figuring out everything in case they betrayed me!"

Katherine growled.

"I can be of use to you!" The man begged. "Please! I'll serve you! I can work with you! The power of the Bank won't be easily broken! They g-give everyone these m-magic b-bracelets, see?" The man shook a hexagonal-textured bracelet on his wrist. "They s-slowly eat everyone's mana, tell everyone their S-system Stats, translate every language into every language!"

"Everyone in Shandria has these bracelets?" Katherine demanded.

"Y-yes!" Arkenish nodded frantically. "The Bank gives them out for free, once! They say it's a service, a gift to help people track their Skills and System Stats and translate languages! But really... really they're gathering data! They know everything about everyone! Where we go, what we do, how much mana we have, who we talk to!"

Katherine's eyes narrowed as she examined the hexagonal bracelet on the man's wrist. It looked identical to Lazarus bracelets they received at school, but it smelled a bit off, the texture looked scratched up, duller, less magical, less... alive. She inhailed deep, tapped it with a claw.

A shoddy, modified, magical copy... likely created with a duplicator artifact.

"Give me the combination to your safe," Katherine growled.

"3-8-2-1-5!" The man sobbed. "Please... I've told you everything I know!"

"Good," Katherine said. "I already have one annoying human. I don't need another, especially not one that's cursed by a million ghosts. Have fun being devoured by your victims."

She released him into the darkness and dove out of the deep back into the office, still submerged 1/5 of the way in.

She walked to the safe, idly noting how monstrous, shimmering, pearlescent-blue, stretched out, skittering, crawling, many-limbed, hollow humanoids advanced from all around towards Arkenish.

The deep Echoes descended on the screaming man like a swarm of locusts, tearing into his flesh and soul, seeking vengeance for the pain and misery he had inflicted upon them while they were still alive.

Katherine turned away from the grisly scene, tearing the painting off the wall to get to the safe. She input the combination and spotted the yellow folder amongst piles of jewels, contracts, paperwork and coins, stuffing everything into her bag.

The Arx Bank controlled everything. Instructor Zalimar was in cahoots with them, probably sold Omnid magitek to them!

The bracelets. The translations. The Stats. Even the Topaz trade was just one tendril of their vast operation. And now their agents were annoyed with a certain pesky human who messed with their primary supplier.

She had no time to lose and four of her idiot... friends to save.

Chapter 41: Weapons of Mass Destruction

Our trio descended from the rooftop hot tub back to the main dining hall, finding Io still lounging by the massive fireplace, his wide-brimmed hat pulled low over his eyes as he read his book in his chosen stone alcove.

"Sup ma Door," I called out, settling on a leather couch next to the fire. "How's the moon?"

"Haunted," Io replied, snapping his book shut and sliding it into his bag. "The moon-people have some serious issues with their ghost problem. Did ya guys resolve yo 'ship issues?"

"W-we didn't... it's not... there weren't any ship issues to resolve!" Cinder stammered. "We just... talked! About stuff! Normal stuff!"

"Mhmmm, sure," Io hummed knowingly, sitting up. "That's why you're glowing like a pink reactor and Vee looks like she won the lottery?"

"Joint custody, my dude," Vespera clicked merrily.

"Grats on a solid poly-ship," Io nodded offering the Thunderbird a high-five. "Wasn't sure if it would be just Ci. Far too many Omnids these days end up lon' or bound to a dickish, controlling clan leader."

"Ye," Vee dropped on the couch next to me, chainmail jiggling. "As a society we are extra-cooked. Omnicorps be capitalizin' on parasocial relationships. Corps like Golden Star feed everyone's data into probability engines and spit out 'optimal matches' for maintaining stronk' bloodlines via corporate mergers. Pretty sure we gonna have human-made robots satisfyin' all our physical needs soon. Ugh. Now I need a drink to chase away the depresso."

Io pulled a bottle of interdimensional beer from his bag.

"Oi," I growled, stepping towards him and pushing his fuzzy hand back into the bag. "Slide that back where it came from."

"Nuuu," Vee whined, trying to pull Io's paw out of the bag. "I need it to cope!"

"As your Quartermaster," I said. "I'm banning you all from drinking until there's something to celebrate."

"Ughhh," Vee groaned. "I thought you were the cool kind of Quartermaster that'd let me booze up in the afternoon."

"I am cool," I said. "I'd like you sober. You're my Thunder-cannon. My artillery piece. My big railgun. My... insert dashing and dangerous birb description."

Vee burst into snickers. Cinder rolled her eyes.

"Hey Ci. Do you have a primo-fiancee too?" I asked her curiously.

"Did, I think. Dad attempted to introduce me to my... 'optimal primo-match'," she said. "After listening to him drone for a bit, I got annoyed and kicked him right through the Western wall of the house into the garden. Then felt that it was insufficient and broke dad's fav statue of some Omnid philosopher and beat the annoying match-knob into a chunky soup with the head."

Vee whistled. "Wish I had the balls for that. How old were you?"

"Seventeen," Cinder shrugged. "Dad was furious about the statue. Mom thought it was... uuhhh... passionate. They haven't tried to 'arrange' anything since, placing their hopes on Lance and hoping that I'll chill out enough to meet a boy in school and become a Hearth-Keeper like my mom someday."

"And they just... let you get away with that?" Vespera clicked her beak in amazement.

"Yeah," Cinder said. "I'm not a firstborn. Plus, unlike your family, mine actually listens when I say 'no.' Sometimes it takes violence to get the point across though. A LOT of violence and breaking statues and skulls."

"Speaking of violence," Io suddenly sat up straight, his large gray eyes fixed on our trio. "I sense death."

"What kind of death?" I asked.

"Don't know," he said, gray paws kneading under the robe. "Something shifted. Someone somewhere said something, sent death after us. Multiple deaths. Not nice ones. More than one vector. Vectors. All directions. Multiple end futures. All leading to our deaths. Don't have exact details. Just a very nasty sense of looming doom about all of us. Plus... a terrible catastrophe. Oh wow. This is huge."

His antennae twitched wildly, gray eyes turning to stare at me.

"Great," Vee groaned. "And here I was hoping for a nice evening with my lovely new 'ship. When's it coming?"

"Soon," Io said. "Thirty minutes tops. Whoever it is that desires our demise is quite effective at it, making sure we don't get away. Potential dead-ends blooming all around."

"Can you like be any less vague?" Vespera demanded.

"Alas," Io shrugged apologetically. "Disaster sense doesn't work like that. I do sense quite clear intent to kill me. The feeling is very, very strong. It's muted though, foggy... which suggests that our enemies are trying to be clever and are using heavy anti-scrying wards. Too bad that basic bling doesn't work on Death Moths."

"Shash!" I barked loudly.

"Yes, M'Lord?" The Assasin materialized beside me, making Cinder yelp.

"Got company of competitors coming in hot to take us out in twenty," I said. "Options?"

"The Guild has several defensive measures. Shall I banish the pub clientele, seal all doors and activate the wards?" Shash's obsidian eyes glinted.

"Yes." I nodded. "And get everyone who can't fight into the vault."

"The vault M'Lord?"

"Yes," I said. "People are more valuable than gold. Everyone who is ready to fight for me and our Guild should get their ass over here. I've extremely deadly weapons to distribute."

I pulled Lance's bag from my shoulders and opened it up.

"We should leave," Cinder said, her feathers shifting through nervous grays. "If someone's coming to kill us..."

"Leave to where?" I asked her. "Do you perchance own another criminal citadel somewhere else? Other than the the Abystall dungeon, this place is our best option for survival. Right Io?"

The moth nodded.

"Can't we just fly out?" Cinder asked.

"And abandon my people?" I arched an eyebrow. "I don't think so. These asshats are obviously my competitors. They want a Guild war? I'll give them a guild war they won't forget!"

I turned to my Assassin. "Shash? Who's the fastest and most skilled mage on your team who can sense air currents?"

"Yomik Peeps, M'Lord," the Assassin replied.

"Yomik," I handed the thirty-year-old, blue-tinted mole-man Lance's bricking wand. "Once everyone is out of the pub, use this to permanently seal the front door with an extra-thick layer of stone. Make sure that the seal is airtight. Also, run around and seal any cracks or air holes. I want this citadel airtight like a ship in twenty minutes or less. Leave the door to the roof functional, but make sure the stone forms a seal over the edges. Got it?"

"Yes, M'Lord," Yomik bowed. He grabbed the wand from my hand he ran off.

My team stared at me, trying to guess what I was planning to do.

Shash was barking more orders through his Voicecast bracelet. More mooks and Guilders materialized in the room.

Vespera was already in the bag, pulling magisteel armor, shields and swords out.

"Alex," Cinder addressed me with a desperate look. "You can't just start a Guild War!"

"Can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs," I grinned, accepting the hexasuits and weapons from Vee and handing it to my mooks. "Besides, they started it. We're just defending ourselves."

"With what army?" Cinder demanded. "We have what, twelve people here on top of our team?"

"Fifteen actually," Shash corrected. "Plus the kitchen staff. And Podop's quite formidable with his strength-amplifying Kitlix."

"See?" I beamed. "We've got a small army! Don't worry, this place just has to hold out for half an hour tops."

"Why?" Cinder fretted.

"'Cus, I've got something they don't have," I grinned at her.

"What's that?" Cinder asked.

"Biological weapons," I said.

"WHAT?" Cinder choked. "When the shit did you... Wait, full stop! Did you bring something... from Earth?! How did you even get... biological weapons?! Did you steal something from the Frontenachii, is that it?! M-Alex, you can't release that stuff out here!!!"

"Pffff nah. See, after you guys went back into the cold tunnel," I said. "I climbed down the rope ladder into Abystall dungeon and filled all of Lance's dimensional bags with lovely, glowing mites."

"You did WHAT?!" Cinder barked. Everyone else in attendance stared at me like I was mad.

"I went down into the dungeon and filled every bag I had with mites," I grinned. "Harmless to me but deadly to anyone with magic. They're perfect biological weapons."

Horror, shock and fear-filled eyes stared at me from all sides.

"Oh," Io announced. "I see what I've been sensing from the beginning. It's YOU! You are the cause of everything!"

The moth pointed an accusatory fuzzy, gray finger at me.

"Obviously," I grinned. "I was the catastrophe all along. Surprise!"

"M'Lord," Shash choked. "Those things are dangerous. Hard to get rid of. They will spread..."

"Everywhere," I said. "Across all Undertown. This place could use a bit of a spring cleaning, don't you think?"

"M-mar... Alex!" Cinder shook me. "You can't just... release Duskbloom mites into Undertown! They'll kill everyone!"

"No they won't," I shook my head. "This far from the dungeon, they're a mild nuisance at most. You guys were covered head to toe in them and you didn't die. The mana loss from them is small and slow when their numbers aren't big."

"But they will..." Shash began.

"Multiply," I said. "Propagate. Spread all over. What would happen then? Go on, think about it. Extrapolate. Speculate."

"Chaos," Shash said. "Panic. Lockdown. Every strong or wealthy mage in Undertown would be forced to either leave or find ways to shield themselves with cold runes. The bastards upstairs will likely block the tunnels out with barrier wards and cold runes, charging an arm and a leg for someone to leave. Their Seers will learn of the danger quickly. They will act fast - many of the tunnels already have magic seals on them that detect incoming stuff like Duskbloom."

"Correct," I said. "Which will give us five days of panic to take over all of Undertown. I don't deal in half-measures. I don't deal in half-assery. Full assery, all the way! Act before anyone can do anything."

"That's... that's genocide!" Cinder protested.

"No, that's good use of pests," I corrected. "Everyone will be too busy fighting the bloom to stop our takeover."

"Alex!" Cinder yelled. "You can't! We can't..."

"Sorry babe," I grinned, tapping out a sequence on my ID tag. "Too late."

"W-what do you mean too late?" Cinder yelped.

"Give it about twenty seconds," I said.

"Give WHAT twenty seconds?!" The Quetzi-girl growled, hounding on me, her face lengthening. "ALEX!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

A series of deep, thundering booms resounded across the floor of the cavern, dust falling from the ceiling.

"W-what the shit was that?" Cinder spun, letting go of me.

"That was a new, bigly fissure opening up," I said. "Fissures, actually. Between Abystall dungeon and Undertown. I just used Voicecast command to remote-detonate biggest fifty beast cores from Lance's collection set into what Yulia and I determined was the weakest, thinnest sections of cavern walls between the dungeon and Undertown. The bloom will spread out carried by the warm wind coming from the dungeon now. There's nothing anyone can do to stop it now."

"YOU!" Io's finger pointed at me even firmer, grey eyes blazing with an accusatory look. Vespera's beak was wide open. Cinder looked like she was going to murder me.

"M'Lord," Shash breathed out. "That was... incredibly ruthless."

"Ruthless?" I grinned. "I'm just getting started."

Chapter 42. The End of Undertown

"You..." Cinder shook me by the collar, screeching like a banshee. "You absolute PSYCHO! What is wrong with you?!"

I grinned back at her.

"You're going to get everyone killed!" Cinder snarled, her claws digging into my hardening hexasuit collar. "The mites will spread everywhere! Into people's homes! Their food! Their water!"

"Exactly," I grinned. "And who controls the cold tunnel?"

"What tunnel?!" She growled. "The effing tunnel that leads to the effing dungeon filled with even more effing mites? How the eff is that even going to...?!"

"I've already sealed off the end of the tunnel with Lance's bricking wand," I said." The cold tunnel doesn't lead into the dungeon anymore. It's just a very long loop now that leads back to our Guild. In the health industry we call it a cold... 'decontamination treatment chamber'," I explained. "People will pay good money to get decontaminated. We'll charge them per cleansing. The longer they stay in there, the more mites die off. The cold tunnel is already pretty damn long, using the bricking wand can expand it sideways into side caverns, add more cold rooms to decontaminate food and water for everyone in Undertown."

"You're... you're going to charge people to use the cold tunnel?!" Cinder howled.

"Of course," I nodded. "Basic economics. Create a problem, sell the solution. Everyone wins."

Vespera's beak snapped shut. A wide grin spread across her face.

"Everyone wins?!" Cinder sputtered. "You're literally unleashing a plague!"

"A very mild plague," I corrected. "That can be easily treated with a bit of cold tunnel."

"But..." Cinder's feathers flashed through shocked orange-violets and angry reds. "People will suffer! Their homes will..."

"People are already suffering," I said. "Open your eyes. Half of Undertown is addicted to Topaz. The other half is in debt to the lords above. This place needs a hard reset."

"By infecting everyone with parasites?!"

"By giving them a common enemy," I corrected. "Something to unite against. Something that will force change in less than a week. Haven't you seen Watchmen?"

"Abyss!" Vespera started to laugh. "He's... he's pulling an Ozymandias! Oh my Slayer!"

"A what?" Cinder blinked.

"A dire, external threat to unite people," Vespera explained between giggles. "Like in that old comic - Ozymandias unleashed a fake alien invasion to unite humanity against a common enemy. Except our human is using dungeon-bred parasites! This is great!"

"It's not great!" Cinder protested. "How are you on his side in this?! It's insane!"

"Actually," Io commented thoughtfully, "It's pretty clever. The mites will force everyone to work together, to find solutions."

"And who controls the biggest solution?" Vee clicked.

"We do!" I declared. "Come on. Everyone armed up and ready?"

Our Guilders nodded.

"To the roof then," I said. "Time to parlay with our enemies!"

We emerged onto the roof.

The view of Undertown stretched out before us, twinkling with countless Kitlix lanterns below the green-blue star-moss spotted ceiling. Vespera and I handed the mite-filled bags to the guilders.

"On my order of thumbs up," I instructed the mooks. "Turn the bags over and press this hexagram here to empty them. Make it rain mites. Got it? Good."

"This is so wrong," Cinder protested weakly. "We can't..."

"The dungeon is already spreading," I said.

I had no idea whether the right tunnels even opened up from the beast core explosions, no idea if Yulia's calculations were correct. What mattered now was that my team simply had to believe that dumping the bags was the only way forward, that releasing the mites in our possession wouldn't change much.

"This will only add a bit more mites to the overall picture," I said. "In a particular direction."

"Why?!" Cinder demanded.

"Because," I pointed at the street below. "Look!"

Below the citadel tower, armed, large figures converged on our tower from multiple directions. Bright Kitlix lanterns bounced on their belts casting no shadows and lighting the way. Doors and windows snapped shut as Undertown delvers hid from the enforcers, afraid and not knowing whom they were going to arrest today.

"Those are the people coming to execute us," I explained. "They won't be expecting a twist of this magnitude. They probably think that we're killing our brain cells in a room like dumb-ass teenagers, getting drunk."

I gave Vee a poignant look.

"Oi!" She protested. "I'm not THAT predictable!"

"You literally begged Io for booze like thirty minutes ago," I pointed out.

"Hmpf," Vespera crossed her arms.

A burly, armored man banged on the shut, magisteel-reinforced door of our Guild which now led into a thick stone wall thanks to the bricking wand.

"Attention Gloomy Horse Adventurers Guild!" The armored man's voice boomed through some kind of amplification magic. "I am the Shandrian Arch-Guild Enforcer Legarth Wixoff! We know you're harboring Earth-delvers! Open up and surrender them to us, or we will be forced to take... extreme measures!"

"Sup Legarth?" I yelled down, placing a heavy as hell wardstone shield in front of myself to avoid potential arrows, amplifying my voice with Lance's magitek megaphone. "You looking for some... Love?"

"You dare mock me, Earth-lander?" Legarth's magically amplified voice nearly deafened me. "Do you have any idea who you're dealing with, boy?"

"A soon-to-be very itchy man?" I called back. "I'm curious, who wants us to surrender and what laws did we break?"

"Delver Team... Erm... 'I Love you'! The Arx Bank has issued an order for your immediate arrest signed by the High Justice Luborkand of Shandria!" Legarth declared. "You and your companions are hereby charged with interfering with official Arx Bank business. Your delving team are to be arrested and forcibly deported from Arx."

"Deported? Why?" I asked. "What'd we do? I'm not hearing specific crimes."

"The specific crime, in question," Legarth barked up, "is a disruption of sanctioned trade routes for three years time. Where is the owner of this establishment? Why is the front door barred?"

"I dunno," I shrugged. "She's chilling uptown in some Inn, I think."

"She?" Legarth sputtered. "I'm talking about Guild Master Motrdem! Where is he?"

"Oh, he sold the place," I called down. "He's uptown now too, spending his well-earned money on booze or whatever."

"Sold it? To whom?!" The muscular man asked.

"To interdimensional delver Emerald Stratos. You know her? Ruby-can't Lindworm? Really angry all the time? Has a thing for collecting overpriced stuff and setting people on fire?"

"What nonsense do you speak of?!" Legarth growled. "Motrdem would never sell his ancestral Guild!"

"I dunno. I think Emmy gave Mort something like ten million gold for the place," I shrugged. "Look, my dude, my delving team is just renting a room here for three silver a night. You need to chill. Do you or your men happen to have cold runes on your armor?"

"What?" The muscular man sputtered. "Cold runes? Why would we... What does that have to do with anything?!"

"If you don't have cold runes," I yelled down. "Then, I REALLY suggest you avoid hitting the front door! Some very, VERY bad things are going to happen if you keep at it! I'm being friendly and warning you because I'm a polite and friendly adventurer! Like come on, didn't you just say my team's name? We're basically all about... Peace n' Love!"

"Your attempts at distraction will not work!" Legarth stated. "You have one minute to surrender before we breach this establishment!"

More armored men and mages gathered behind him, ready to strike at the tower's ward.

"That's a terrible idea!" I yelled down. "Please, don't shake this tower!"

"I'll do whatever it takes to get you criminals arrested and deported!" Legarth barked. "Come down or else!"

He kicked the door with his massive, magisteel-clad boot, making the entire tower vibrate.

"Oh no!" I cried dramatically. "You really shouldn't have done that! The bags Emerald set up are getting loose!"

I gave a thumbs up to the mooks behind me.

They upended the bags.

Glowing mites exploded from upturned dimensional bags and rained down from the tower like luminescent snow, drifting down onto the assembled enforcers below.

"What... what is this?!" Legarth blinked.

"Emerald Stratos tied a bunch of dimensional bags around the top of this tower as a prank," I yelled through the megaphone. "I think you guys call this stuff... Duskbloom! Is this stuff super itchy or something? That's what she said!"

The faces of the men below us went from confusion to shock and then pure horror as they recognized the telltale azure glow of the parasitic mites.

"DUSKBLOOM!" Someone screamed as a patch of mites landed on his shoulder. "IT'S DUSKBLOOM! It's eating my mana!!!"

"No! I still owe nine thousand silver for this armor! I can't have it ruined!"

"My sword! It's on my magic sword!"

Panic erupted instantly. A few of the assembled enforcers fled, running from the falling swarm of parasites. Some tried to shield themselves with magic, but the mites simply drifted through their barriers, settling on armor and skin.

More enforcers yelled and began retreating. Then the dam broke.

Legarth spun in one spot, watching as all of his men fled. The mites drifted all around, settling on invisible figures who began flailing and trying to scrape or magically remove the tiny mites off with no success whatsoever. A few invisible figures completely coated in mites jumped off the sides of our tower, freaking out and rolling around as if they were on fire.

"Are those invisible men or are you just happy to see us?" I yelled down. "Better start running to the nearest fridge! That stuff gets everywhere like sand and eats right through all magic barriers. The more magical you are, the more annoying it is, I hear!"

The assassins covered in Duskbloom gave up on killing us. Flickering in and out of visibility, they took off into the darkness, not wishing their faces seen.

"You... you MADMAN!" Legarth roared up at me, watching as glowing, living snow drifted across the streets all around him like he was in a See-Mass Cola commercial. "Do you have any idea what you fools have done?! These filthy parasites will spread across all of Undertown!"

"Me? I'm just the Quartermaster of 'I Love You'," I shrugged. "I didn't do anything. I'm just chilling in the rooftop hot tub with my best friends! Blame the prankster dragoness for this mess. Did you heard those booms earlier? Emerald told me that she hired a bunch of other idiot adventurers for one hundred thousand silver each to detonate some tunnels. Can you guess where the tunnels lead?"

"You're bluffing!" Legarth shouted, still frantically brushing at the glowing mites settling on his armor. "No one would be insane enough to..."

"Consider this, Legarth," I declared. "Emerald is a delver from another world. She doesn't give two shits about Undertown or Shandria. She doesn't care about you or the people here. I think that some Undertown citizen stepped on her toe yesterday! When she saw Abystall dungeon, she had a really stupid idea for a prank. I tried to convince her not to do it, but I'm just a lowly human and Quartermaster of another competing delving team. I have no power over her. I warned you not to kick this tower, did I not? You have only yourself to blame for this!"

"You... you're lying!" Legarth shouted, but there was uncertainty in his voice now. "No delver would..."

"Really?" I called back. "You sure about that? Have you met many interdimensional delvers? Especially ones with more money than common sense and a tendency to set things on fire when annoyed? Some old man from Undertown insulted her. Emerald took it personally. This is her revenge. Sorry, my dude. I'm going back to my rooftop hot tub. I suggest you go home and wash up and throw that armor into a fridge or something before you get too itchy!"

More Duskboom-defining screams erupted from nearby streets as the mites continued to drift through the air, carried by air currents from the newly opened fissures. A lamenting siren made up from ringing doomsday bells resounded across Undertown, mage towers lighting up. The locals were terrified of Duskbloom, knew what it could do if given time to grow. The living catastrophe was spreading across Undertown drawn to magic all around. Drawn to ungodly amounts of Topaz in cigar buds, empty broken bottles, storage warehouses and in people's bodies as blue lesions and swollen glands. Primed to devour it all and multiply endlessly.

"This is madness!" Legarth roared as more mites settled on his magic armor. "The Bank will hear of this! They'll..."

"Sorry! Going back to the rooftop party now! My girls want more beer!" I yelled back via my megaphone.

I walked away from the parapet, sending a smile to my friends and mooks.

"Back inside," I ordered everyone. "Time for phase two."

"Phase... two?!" Cinder sputtered as we descended the stairs. "What phase two? You've already unleashed a plague!"

"Now we expand and fortify," I explained. "Shash, status of the vault?"

"All non-combatants secured, M'Lord," the assassin reported. "The vault is sealed and warded."

"Excellent. Podop!"

The molekin enforcer stepped forward, his strength-amplifying Kitlix glowing on his shoulder.

"Sir!"

"User your strength to obliterate walls. Begin adding a bunch of cold rooms with Yomik to the cold tunnel, make them look nice. We're going to have all of Undertown visiting us in due time. Rostika knows how to install cold runes, yes?"

"Yes, M'Lord," Podop nodded. "Me n' her have been maintaining the cold tunnel to Abystall, adding new cold runes and such."

"Very good," I nodded. "Make a new, extra fortified cold tunnel entrance from Undertown into our Guild."

"Understood," the man said, departing with my blessings.

"You know. I absolutely did not expect this much ruthlessness from my human husbando so soon," Vespera clicked.

"Oh?" I looked at her.

"Thought there would be more dancing around morality, more hesitation, more... I dunno, guilt?"

"Guilt?" I arched an eyebrow at her. "About what?"

"People are going to die, you effing knob!" Cinder said. "Not everyone is going to be able to afford this cure of yours!"

"Nah," I shrugged. "Our Guild will charge a varying rate for the cold tunnel use. Those without money will pay us with... their services."

Cinder's feathers bristled with angry reds. "What services?! You're going to exploit desperate people?!"

"Not exploit," I corrected. "Employ. Think about it - we'll need workers to expand the Guild and cold tunnel system. Guards, cleaners, maintenance staff. People who can't afford the treatment can work it off."

"That's... that's slavery!" Cinder protested.

"No, that's capitalism," I grinned. "Everyone will be monitored by our Guilders and also through Yulia's cameras. The AI will determine who is a knob and who is a capable employee. Those who do a good job will be paid a good salary from the sales of silver juice. Morty called me a few hours ago and let me know that sales above are going well. Those who slack off or have no talent in the service industry will be sent out on lesser jobs such as cleaning up the mite-infested magic garbage from the streets and demolishing mite-infested hovels to build luxury hotels and other nice things."

"You're exploiting the downtrodden!"

"Not exploiting. Employing. Come on Ci, would you rather they die from mite infection?"

"I'd rather you hadn't released the mites in the first place!" She complained.

"Too late for that," I shrugged, spreading my arms in a dramatic gesture. "Consider thus - when they seal off Undertown, all debts will be cleared. The mites will eat right through magic debt contracts, magic slave collars and magic binding tattoos. Everyone in Undertown will be free. No debt. No slavery. No more upworld owners!"

"Dang. This is some Fight Club level shit," Vespera whistled. "I haven't even thought about how the mites would destroy magic-enforced debts."

"You..." Cinder's feathers shifted through more frustrated oranges and angry reds sprinkled with patches of excited violets. "You're actually enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Enjoying? This is an effort and a half. Think of me as a surgeon removing a very nasty tumor," I shrugged. "I'm saving this place from itself."

"By forcing everyone into indentured servitude to your Guild?!"

"Not forever. Everyone will buy cold runes from us or others in due time. I'm giving the people opportunities," I corrected. "Look around you, Ci. What do you see? A bunch of broken people addicted to Topaz, living in squalor. We're going to give them purpose, direction. A chance to be part of something bigger, to rebuild, to grow, to beat the mites back and to emerge as the shining jewel of interdimensional trade."

A shadow flickered in front of me.

"Oh hey Kat," I said as Katherine manifested in the dining hall, panting. "How did your jogging exercise go?"

"What exercise?" Katherine's emerald eyes blazed with urgency. "We need to leave! The Bankers are sending their men to attack this place! Now! Grab onto me and I'll take you into the deep and..."

"Nah, it's fine," I said. "I just started a nice little biological warfare campaign. Things are just getting interesting!"

"Alex! You don't understand! The Arx Bank..." Katherine panted. "They control everything. The bracelets... The translations, the Stats. Even the Topaz trade. Instructor Zel is the one that's been importing Topaz to Arx from some other dimension or something! The Bankers sent assassins!"

"Oh, is that all?" I grinned. "Don't worry about it. I've already dealt with that. The assassins ran away as did the enforcers."

"Mites? What mites?" the Stollwurm panted, looking at the long faces of our companions. "What... what happened while I was gone?!"

"Relax, sit down on a couch by the fire. Why don't you tell us what you learned," I said. "Then Vee can tell you what I did on my exciting first delve to Arx!"

Kat stared at Vespera with a catatonic look as the Thunderbird finished narrating out my accomplishments, while I flipped through the yellow binder that Kat gave me, taking photos of every page for Yulia to process later.

"Let me get this straight," Katherine growled, her glowing, cat-like emerald eyes fixed on me. "You released Duskbloom mites into Undertown, blamed Em and now plan to charge people for access to your cold tunnel decontamination chambers?"

"Mhmm," I nodded. "Gonna make extra chambers and temporary residences within the large cavern system below our Guild."

"And you think this will... what? Make you the King of Undertown?" Katherine demanded. "I go away for an hour and you manage to cause a local apocalypse?! If I wasn't so out of breath running here through the deep to save your stupid ass, I would smack you so hard..."

I slipped behind Vespera. "No smacky. Birb-waifu shall protek!"

"Waifu what?!" Katherine's spiked tail lashed dangerously.

"Joint custody," Vespera clicked cheerfully, petting my head. "Me n' Ci co-own his pink ass now. Don't damage the goods, K, or I'll be annoyed."

"Okay." Kat tiredly rubbed her snout. "Right. Whatever... Can we focus on the fact that the Arx Bank wants us dead for screwing with Skyfall's Koshei Instructor?" She asked. "They're not just some local criminal organization - they're something ancient and powerful. Their bracelets are everywhere, tracking everyone's Stats on Arx, gathering data..."

"Yes, yes," I waved dismissively. "Evil megacorp with magic surveillance tech. Very scary. But consider this - many people in Undertown are too poor for fancy upworld bracelets and have already sold their free bracelets for Topaz. And those that haven't... Well, we can politely ask them to take it off."

"Ask them to take it off?" Katherine blinked. "You can't just ask people to take off their bracelets! These things are essential - they translate languages, show Stats, store mana..."

"And spy on everyone," I nodded. "And attract hungry mites. Which is why we'll offer alternatives."

"What bloody alternatives?" Kat demanded.

"Phones from Earth with a personal AI," I grinned. "Yulia can handle translations just fine. I'm going to dump an ungodly amount of Earth tech into Undertown. And everyone will have to use it. Because unlike the mana-storing bracelets, it won't attract the mites."

"HA!" Vespera burst out. "Lexy isn't just taking over Undertown - he's going to make everyone switch to human tech! The mites will bloom on anything magical, so people will HAVE to use human-made Earth tech!"

"Exactly," I grinned. "No more magical bracelets tracking everyone's every move. Just good old-fashioned human surveillance through phones and tablets via my lovely AI."

Vespera doubled over in giggles, waving magisteel talons at me. "OMG. Staaaap. I can only take so much supervillainy in one day!"

"The Arx Bank won't just sit back and let you take over their territory," Kat pointed out.

"I'm sorry," I said. "Are you perchance the Arx Bank rep? How do you know what they're going to do? In a month or less this entire place will be crawling with magic mites. Topaz is a magical drug. We cut the supply off. Now the mites will eat whatever the gangs have stored up, along with local money... which is also magical unless you forgot. Do you remember what happened during Coronavirus lock downs?"

Kat opened her mouth and closed it.

"The idiots ruling Shandria are just going to seal Undertown off," I said. "Maybe forever. They aren't going to waste money on saving a bunch of drug addicts and criminals."

"Oh," the Stollwurm let out.

"Exactly. They'll just wall this place off, let everyone down here rot," I continued. "It's cheaper and more effective to brick up tunnels than to help people! But we'll be here, offering solutions. Cold tunnels. Human tech. Jobs. Non-magical currency. Purpose. Hope."

"And you think the Bank will just... let you take over this pace?" Katherine demanded.

"Let me?" I laughed. "What are they going to do? Send more bulky knights or invisible assassins? Into a mite-infested zone? Good luck with that. Their magic won't work here soon. Their bracelets won't work. Their control will slip away day by day, mite by mite. They'll hand Undertown to me on a silver platter."

"They might try something else," Katherine tried. "Something worse. You don't understand what these people are capable of."

"No," I said. "YOU don't understand what I'M capable of. Look at what I accomplished in one day. One single day! And I'm just getting started."

I waved the yellow folder.

"See these names? These addresses? These are all Bank representatives in Shandria. I'm going to start releasing this information into an appropriate direction. The people of Undertown need someone to blame for this. The Arx Bank in collaboration with interdimensional criminal Emerald Stratos orchestrated a dastardly plot to kill everyone in Undertown to make... parking lots or... something. The point is, he who controls the narrative controls everything else. And I'm going to make sure everyone knows exactly who to blame for their loss of homes and businesses."

"Damn," Io commented from his cozy alcove. "I was right to get on your team. You really turned out to be the biggest catastrophe of all, Lex."

"You knew that all this shit was going to happen?" Cinder demanded.

"I didn't know the details," Io shrugged. "I simply... sensed something truly catastrophic about this man. Something incredibly... delicious. This is it. The End of Undertown."

"You could have stopped him! Could have warned us!" Cinder protested.

"About what?" Io asked, dark gray eyes glinting under his wide hat. "That the mixie magic-less teenager who took a photo of you during our smoke brake on a Tuesday is basically the worst kind of a walking disaster possible who will destroy everything in his way with... words and mundane actions? Like you would have believed me!"

Cinder struggled to formulate words, glaring daggers at the moth.

"It's quite amusing," the Mothman said. "He's pretty much demolished you, Cat and Vee... and yet here you are... looking the happiest I've seen you in years. He's destroyed Em's reputation at school, destroyed Zalimar, destroyed the Gloomy Horse Guild's independence, and now he's destroying all of Undertown. And the weirdest part? Everyone just... lets him do it or assists him in this. Because in the end it's better for everyone involved. In the end, a new, healthier forest grows from a forest fire. Eventually, Undertown will be rebuilt. It will never be the same. Katopolis or Katburg will rise in it's place. All of this is the currently unfolding disaster. I am thoroughly sated."

Cinder simply blinked at the Mothman. Then she slid down onto the couch, struggling to digest his words of mothy wisdom.

I sent Io a thumbs up and sat down next to Cinder. The Quetzi's face became less predatory, snout drawing back in as her anger subsided.

I offered her my hand.

Cinder stared at my hand for a long moment, her feathers shifting through troubled grays.

Vespera dropped on my other side, leaning on my shoulder.

"I didn't think you could do so much in so little time," she smiled. "And yet here we are. Good job!"

Cinder's bracelet vibrated. She tapped it with a resigned look.

The usual blue-silver holo-projection of Quint's head manifested from her ID tag artifact.

"It is now the evening of day two," he said sharply. "Why hasn't your team registered in the cathedral, Captain Nova?"

I leaned towards Cinder, tapping her bracelet to zoom out and show all of us.

"Sup, Pres?" I asked. "What's the rush?"

"The rush?" Quint's holographic eyebrows rose. "The purpose of YOUR first delve on Arx is to register your team, receive your initial, basic in-town quests, and begin building your reputation with the Adventurers Guild as Iron-rank delvers. Instead, you've spent two days doing... what exactly?"

"Shopping," I said cheerfully. "Lots and lots of outfit shopping. Right team?"

"Ye," Vespera clicked. "Totes. Getting gear n' stuff."

"And making sure our Quartermaster doesn't die," Io added.

"Die?" Quint's holographic eyes narrowed. "Shandria is perfectly safe during the day, especially for a team of five Omnids, four of whom already have Arx-delving experience! You do get that I'm going to give you all zeroes for your first delving class unless you all follow the program!"

"We've already registered as adventurers," I said.

"No, you haven't!" Quint growled. "If you did, I would know! I'm in contact with Adventurers Guild Secretary, Sister Antiqilla! Everyone already registered and checked in except for your team!"

"Actually," I grinned, "we registered at THE Adventurers Guild. Not the Cathedral one. The Gloomy Horse Guild."

"WHAT?" Quint sputtered. "That's not a..."

"It's the official Adventurers Guild of Undertown, according to the merchants I talked to from the market upstairs," I said. "The Gloomy Horse is connected to a few dungeons, including the dangerously exciting Duskbloom-filled Abystall dungeon and a bunch of other fun places for mid to high-level delvers. On the account that I'm merely an Iron rank beginner, we're currently doing community service for Undertown."

Vespera choked from where she was sitting, clamping her beak with her claws, trying very hard not to break out into fits of laughter.

"You're... doing community service?" Quint blinked, glancing at Vee with a look of suspicion. "In... Undertown?"

"Yes, my dude!" I declared. "Just like I did community service in a soup kitchen for Triumvirate Slayers Cathedral in Cradlefall! This is what I do! I love helping people. Not the people who are well off and want their lost kittens rescued or something. My team is helping out those who need it most!"

"Community service," Quint repeated skeptically. "And what exactly does this... service entail?"

"Oh, you know," I waved vaguely. "Feeding the poor. Helping the less fortunate. Assisting with infrastructure repairs. Helping people find jobs. The usual stuff I did with Father Matthias Jonannes at the cathedral!"

"In Undertown," Quint said. "The... criminal district filled with drug dens?"

"First of all, not everyone down here is a criminal or a gang member. I've already helped feed a bunch of orphaned children. Besides that, everyone deserves a chance at redemption," I said channeling my most pious tone. "Especially criminals and addicts. After all, what would Slayer Nazareth do?"

"The delving class program..." Quint began his lecture-tone tune.

"Was written by Instructor Zalimar," I said. "Who need I remind you does not give a shit about the downtrodden. Do consider the fact that one of our members is disabled."

"Disabled?" Quint's holographic eyes narrowed. "I am aware of that, but what does that have to do with anything?"

I pointed a finger at Kat.

"Katherine has a condition," I said. "She can't do jobs upstairs! Sunlight hurts her! How do you not know this? She can barely function during daytime in Shandria and night jobs are off-limits due to the hungry Shadow-beasts roaming the streets. How is she supposed to do Quests in the city or the outside fields? Katherine, please demonstrate how well you can walk down here."

Katherine shot me a glare but stood up from her couch, walking gracefully beside us, armor and hexamesh dark blue outfit below it glittering and reflecting the light from the cozy fireplace.

"See?" I said to Quint's hologram as his skull-socket eyes tracked the girl clad in magisteel armor. "Down here, in the dark, she's perfectly fine! The local Aetheric density plus darkness permits her to walk properly. We're doing important community initiative work here, helping the locals while accommodating our Knight's needs!"

"But..." Quint began.

"Pres," I said with a serious tone. "I believe I already told you not to mess with me two days ago. If you keep pestering me and threaten to give me a zero for class or do anything else that interferes with me or my team's Knight, I will absolutely email a video recording of this conversation to Father Matthias after class. I'm sure you'd love to explain to the church exactly why you're not allowing someone who can't walk properly a chance to participate in delving activities in a way that accommodates her disability."

Quint's holographic eyes flickered. "I... that's not what I..."

"Furthermore," I continued, "I have extensive documentation of our community service activities here. Would you like to see the forms signed off and stamped by the Guild of Undertown? Why is it that you're pestering me so hard when I'm just trying to help people? Is it because Emerald is pushing you into a particular direction? Because she wants me to waste time upstairs, because she wants Katherine to suffer from sunlight exposure? Need I remind you that around one year and ten months ago, or so, Emerald initiated a well documented, online bullying campaign against Katherine?"

"I... I will need to consult with the faculty about this... after class," Quint said carefully, clearly flummoxed by my words. "Your... alternative approach to delving activities is... rather... unprecedented."

"Of course it is," I nodded sagely. "Nobody thinks about the disabled or the poor! Everyone just wants to do exciting quests upstairs killing wild rabbits or collecting rare grasses in the sunshine fields next to the farmers fields and markets! But some of us have a calling to help those in need. By the way, where is Emerald?"

"She's... in her room," Quint let out. "Recovering from a series of unfortunate events."

"What kind of events?" I asked. "I do hope that she's okay."

"She's fine," Quint exhaled. "It's just that whenever she goes out for shopping or Quests, something happens. Missing a step on the stairs, doors closing on her unexpectedly, old ladies dumping... Various waste out of windows that lands on her. Children calling her names. Slipping on old fruit peels."

"Oh no," I said. "Did someone jinx her?"

"Seems like it," Quint sighed. "She probably pissed off some high-level Archmage this morning at Lord Dave's Lighthouse Smithy Cafe. Maybe it was that Foxkin waitress. She smells kind of high level, looks off. Anyways, it's not a big deal. The jinx will likely clear up in a day or two."

"Perhaps she should take some time to reflect on her actions," I suggested. "Maybe do some community service herself? I personally find it very therapeutic."

"I... will pass along your suggestion," Quint said carefully. "About your... alternative delving activities. I suppose as long as your Captain and team document everything properly..."

"Don't worry about documentation," I assured him. "I'm very thorough with paperwork. I learned much working at the Slayers Cathedral."

I elbowed Cinder.

"Yes. We're doing... important... community work. Very important. Helping people and... stuff," she mewled out, blue eyes staring daggers at me like she wanted to strangle me.

"And are you a staying safe?" Quint asked her. "No unauthorized delving, yes, Captain Nova?"

"Um. Yes. Very safe," Cinder replied with a very wooden tone. "Just... helping people. With things. Safe things."

"Such as?"

"Um," Cinder let out. "We're helping... renovate the local Guild using my brother's bricking wand! Yes. Nothing dangerous."

"See Pres?" I beamed. "Everything's fine. Don't worry about us! We're just doing good deeds, helping the less fortunate, making the world a better place. One act of kindness at a time. Detailed reports about our charitable activities will be on your desk at the end of delving class! Over and out!"

I tapped Cinder's ID tag and Quint's somewhat concerned face winked away.

"Charitable activities?" Cinder rounded on me. "You cheeky bastard!"

"A-ha-ha-ha," Vespera finally exploded, slapping the couch and heaving. "Charity plague! Spreadin' love and mites across Undertown! The gift that keeps on giving! Oh my Slayer, my sides! You're Slayin' me!"

"This isn't funny!" Cinder protested.

"Community service via pest control!" Vespera cackled. "Helping the downtrodden by forcing them into cold tunnels!"

"Your sense of humor concerns me," Katherine growled.

"Everything about this situation concerns me," Cinder added.

"It's only what Slayer Nazareth would do!" The Thunderbird flapped her wings, dying from laughter. "Blessed be the mites, for they shall inherit Undertown! For just a silver day, you too can be saved from their parasitic embrace!"

"Vee! Damn it, stop encouraging him!" Cinder growled.

"But he's so good at being bad!" Vespera clicked, hugging me. "I can't even. We must a do our part n' help the downtrodden with... biological weapons! For charity!"

She rolled onto my lap, cackling and crying and sending sparks all over me.

Kat and Cinder exchanged exasperated looks. Io was softly snickering from his reading nook.

When I set out from North Acadia in beginning of January I did not expect such spectacular results.

I expected to be alone, fighting against the world. Instead I found people who accepted me, supported me, even claimed me as their own.

I looked around at my companions - Vespera in my lap staring up at me, Cinder trying (and failing) to maintain her disapproving glare, Katherine rolling her emerald eyes at our antics, and Io quietly observing everything from his alcove. Each of them brought something unique to our strange little group of friends... to our new family, to our Omnid clan as Vespera put it.

Cinder let out a deep sigh and finally reached out towards my hand, squeezing it.

I smiled at her, squeezing her hand back.

Even as I orchestrated chaos across Undertown, they all stayed by my side. They might not approve of my methods, but they were here. Supporting me. Protecting me. Caring about me. Uplifting me.

There were still a million things to do, and more dangerous, deadly trials to face, but for the first time since mom died, I felt... whole.

Complete.

Like I belonged... somewhere.

Even if that somewhere was a criminal Guild tower in the middle of a mite-infested underground city.

Even if my new family consisted of a tsundere rainbow dragon-bird, a thunder-happy Valley girl with a heart of gold, a grumpy dragon-cat artist, and a disaster-sensing moth.

Even if I had to lie, cheat, and unleash biological weapons to protect them all.

This was home now. These were my people. My clan, as Vee put it.

And I would do anything - ANYTHING - to keep them safe, to never lose them again to whatever came next, be it an immortal Koshei, Arx Bankers, Frontenachii Scrutimancers, or even reality-rewriting System Wizards themselves.

The thought of Zee Captain made me shiver slightly. What was he really? What game was she playing at? Why give me a lighter that generated mana? Why tell me about Alexa?

Was this my education as a System Wizard? Was this... Manchester, my... online course for learning how to rewrite reality one word, one action at a time?

So many questions, so few answers. But that was okay.

I had time now. Time and resources and people who believed in me. People who would stand with me against whatever came next.

That's all that mattered in...

The End.

Thank you for reading Somebody Stop Him!

The next book in this series "Somebody Stop Them!" will be started tomorrow and posted under the same Patreon [Somebody Stop Him ahead chapters!] selection perk.