Countless Joyful Dawns - Chapter ?? - 14: Public Relations (Patreon)

The first thing I wanted to do was find Uber and Leet, then negotiate Leet’s services. According to what I’d picked up, he could build anything… it was just likely to explode.

I was fine with a dimensional teleporter going boom after I went through it. Or while I went through it. As long as it worked, I’d be able to survive the explosion and end up back home.

Of course, there was always the risk that I ended up somewhere completely different, at which point the journey home became much harder. Still, I wasn’t going to avoid all risks, I’d never get home then. Plus, it was safer than taking the fairy rings back home. Probably.

Until they poked their heads out though, it was a little hard to track them down.

With both the ABB and Empire 88 kicked out of Brockton Bay, the place was looking much more peaceful. The biggest irritants left were the Protectorate, New Wave, and the local police and PRT. The last two had been gutted with the number of Empire 88 people I’d just… relocated, and hopefully would be too busy plugging the holes in their ship to bother me.

Then again, guards tended to go after people who hit their own hard… so they were likely to give me a mild headache. Blah. I couldn’t blame them.

After them, by numbers, was the Undersiders, Faultline, and the Merchants. I’d paid off the first two - and they’d get the Empire treatment if they decided to not stay paid - and the last one, like Uber and Leet, I needed to wait for them to poke their heads up. Then it’d be a quick trip to the local jail. Maybe I’d even give them to the local PRT as a peace offering. Who knows, maybe they’d take it.

Finally were all the single operators. Coil, Parian, Circus… how was it exhausting just listing everyone out!?

Well, Pax Elaine would hold. There’d be peace and quiet while I worked on getting home, or so help me. The biggest problem had uprooted the second-biggest problem - I still ardently maintained I had nothing to do with Bakuda’s bombs all going off suspiciously at the exact moment I turned my healing back on - and I’d taken out the biggest problem last night. Or this morning. Which would normally work as a threat display and remind everyone that the Sentinels were in town and Not Amused, except different time, different place, and no reputation. No smoke and mirrors. Heck, I’d left the letters around, but that might not be enough.

I ran an analysis, and came to a conclusion.

Modern technology had foiled my first few plans around the Empire 88, modern technology could solve my reach and reputational problems much faster than paying kids to be town criers on every corner. All I needed to do was find a camera crew, and do an impromptu interview. Preferably with crowds. And a few old people. 

BUT FIRST! I had to look absolutely fabulous. There was the usual ‘I enjoy looking good’ for day to day life, but this was theater! This was a stage! This was entertainment, and a message!

I missed Auri.

Ideally, I’d have the rest of the bones of the next steps of my project already laid out. Land secured, roads analyzed, suppliers contacted, stores ready. Communication lines for people to easily find me.

I had none of that right now. I’d just need to set up a stall by the side of the road to get started. Oh! The Boardwalk! That was the popular place in town. I’d get a stand there. I would build it, and they would come. I had a wide range of pre-made buildings, but with the size of the Boardwalk and the interference… I’d probably go with ‘lemonade stand’ sized.

Alright! Plans made! Now it was time for Operation: Where’s a Camera?

For whatever reason I imagined there’d be an interview on every corner or something. Well, maybe not that much, but something. A weatherman, a fluff piece, anything. Meh, just goes to show, when one goes looking for something, it’s impossible to find. Also, it’s in the last place I look for it.

It took almost an hour of scouring the city from high up with my tiger-eyes before I spotted the classic news pair. 

Huh. In a very interesting location to boot. Okay, either I’d missed some Empire people, I was about to get interviewed by a wildly biased news station, or the media people running things put pasty-white people deep into Empire 88 territory.

Actually… that last one made sense, especially with the riot yesterday. Well, time to find out! As long as they didn’t censor or cut it too hard, I’d be fine. I did one last lookover - makeup, hair, outfit, shoes, all green light - and dropped down hard on the newscaster. I caught the tail end of what she was saying, which was perfect.

“... don’t know what happened to the CEO of Medhall, Max Anders-”

To my mild surprise, she barely flinched as I dropped right next to her.

“Hi!” I said with my best ‘public persona’ smile, waving at the camera. “Were you wondering about what happened here?” I asked.

The lady barely blinked before she recovered.

“Yes, the CEO didn’t show up to work today, and there’s some ugly rumors going around. Would you happen to know what’s going on?” She asked, sticking the microphone in my face.

Well. This was surprisingly easy. I’d expected a lot more resistance and agony. 

“I do! I arrested Kaiser, Fenja, and Menja last night. They were sleeping right there.” I said, pointing to Kaiser’s window.

The look on the lady’s face was priceless. A mix of shock and unholy glee that she’d just gotten the scoop of the decade. 

“Are you saying that Max Anders, CEO of Medhall, was secretly Kaiser?” She tried to keep a lid on her glee, but more than a bit bubbled out.

“Well… he was sleeping in his bed, wearing his clothes, and eating his food. Duck principle, probably? No idea who Max is.”

“And just how did you determine that he was Kaiser?” The lady asked.

“Followed him home from the rally last night. A few containment foam grenades in his bed, and boom! Done. Really good stuff, containment foam. Big thanks to the PRT for making and stocking it! I’ll swing by to stock up when I run low.”

The cameraman’s eyebrow was twitching. It was glorious. The interviewer gaped for a second, then quickly recomposed herself.

“What did you do with them?” She asked.

“Exiled them. There’s no functioning, recognized government here, and what do you do with people who are disturbing a community so badly? Throw them out, and tell them not to return. Deep, deep in the wilderness. It’ll take them months to make it back, if they ever do. A little primitive, but I’m working with what I’ve got here.”

I winked to the camera.

“Kids, don’t try claiming there’s no government at home without the backing of a nation-state.”

The interviewer didn’t look thrilled with me, but gamely kept going. I mean, what amounted to open, declared treason usually didn’t stick well, but the Empire 88 had been doing literally that. Just… not declared on television.

Hmmmm.

Nah, I was fine, there was no way this was going to come back to bite me in the rear. I’d been saying it for ages, and it was the polite fiction that I had to maintain while not officially recognized. They give me trouble, I embarrass them, eventually we’d reach an accord. 

“You’ve probably struck the greatest blow against crime in Brockton Bay in decades, but I don’t even know your name! Can you tell us and our viewers more about yourself?” She asked.

I was going to get this interviewer something nice. Seriously, asking all the right questions, setting things up so I looked good, what more was there to wish for?

I rubbed my hands together. 

“Okay! Hi! I’m Elaine, with the title of Sentinel Dawn of the Exterreri Empire. Not to be confused with the Empire 88.”

I sadly shook my head at that. I really, really did not want to get tarred by the same brush. 

“I’m a dimensionally displaced healer trying to find my way back to my home dimension. I’m one of the strongest healers in the world back there, and I’m responsible for the healing wave going on here. Last I checked the globe, I’m probably touching Greenland from here with my aura. As for the crime thing, no, I don’t think I’ve done much. Some basic law enforcement is no substitute for tackling the root causes.”

Come on, nice interview lady, I’ve practically fed you the follow up.

“What would you say the root cause is, and what are your plans?” She asked me.

YES! I dedicated a thought process to going through my inventory, trying to find a nice piece of jewelry for the lady. A crowd was starting to form, watching the interview. Someone was on the phone to the PRT. Good luck, the PRT was hopefully swamped cleaning up after the gangs.

“Nine times out of ten, criminal and other anti-social behavior is an economics problem. No industry, no hope, no jobs, how else are people going to survive? It’s the classic example of stealing bread to prevent starvation. At the same time, it does hurt the baker when his money and labor are stolen. Brockton Bay is in an industrial and economic freefall, which has destroyed the economy. That’s not a problem I can drop a confoam grenade on, but I can fix it in other ways. If I may?” I asked the lady.

“Well, I’m sure we’re all wondering what you have to say next!” She said. “A plan to fix the entire Bay?”

“Yes! The Bay’s my best chance of going home, due to dimensional theory I won’t bore you with. I don’t know how long it’ll take me. A week? A year? A century? Longer? However you slice it, I might be here awhile, and like a kid cleaning his room, I like living in nice places. I’ve got a two and a half-stage plan for the Bay. The first is a mimicry of the Civilian Conservation Corps from the Great Depression. In short, I’ll be paying people to beautify the city. Sweep streets, pick up trash, paint the schools, spruce up the parks. While they’re doing that, I’ll also be setting up a bulk furniture and textiles factory. Everything hand made, no machinery needed to employ the maximum number of people.”

I got interrupted mid-explanation, but I was willing to let it go. 

“How will people be able to afford the furniture? How will you be able to fund the programs? It’s not like you can conjure money out of thin air. Not legally, at least, and I doubt your dimensional money can pay for something like this.”

I grinned and clapped. I resisted the urge to slowly spin in place, and play to the crowd. The camera was my entire crowd.

“I’m selling the one thing that’s priceless. The one thing that everyone wants, and countless dollars have been spent on researching. The secret that every old multi-millionaire and billionaire is chasing.”

I paused dramatically.

“Yes, I can make people Immortal. Capital I! To be explicitly clear, I can make you young again, and never age another day. Want to be 18 forever? I can do it! Want to be 30 for the rest of your life? Sure!”

“There must be some drawback!” The interviewer was losing her composure, and the crowd was muttering wildly to each other.

I started ticking points off my fingers.

“You can still die of sickness, injury, accident, or other related problems. It’s not going to help you if you step out in front of a car. But you will be young again, and better able to dodge said cars.”

“What about NEPEA-5? The bill that prevents parahumans from profiting off their powers?” The interviewer asked.

I didn’t know nearly enough about the bill to know if I could thread through it or not, but I honestly didn’t care.

“The Empire of Exterreri doesn’t currently recognize the United States Government, so they can whine at me all they like, I’m just going to ignore them until they decide to recognize me and Exterreri. However, I recognize my clients are probably concerned about the bill, and to that, I say the most important thing in all legal matters - jurisdiction, jurisdiction, jurisdiction! If making you Immortal in the United States isn’t legal? Okay, cool! We’ll just hop over to Canada, Mexico, or international waters, and do things there. Or if those countries don’t work, we’ll find a place that does. A number of my clients might not be in the States, and that’s fine. I’ve got what you’d call a high Mover rating, and I can easily travel. It’ll cost more though!”

The crowd was nearly drowning me out, they were talking so much.

“How much will it cost?” The lady asked.

“First! Why don’t I demonstrate?” I asked, finally turning to the crowd.

“Hey!” I called out in my best ‘projection’ voice. “Who wants to be forever young? Who wants to be Immortal? One time offer, for the cameras, totally free!”

Giving away samples so people would buy the actual product. A marketing strategy older than I was.

A number of elderly - by their standards, I was older than 20 of them combined - looked like they were thinking it over, but the gold medal went to the fit gentleman in his mid-50’s who pushed his way through. To the brave go the spoils. Pooey to everyone being paranoid that I was lying or pulling wool over everyone’s eyes. I mean, I suppose with what I’d seen here so far, it wasn’t too far-fetched, but still. I was the paragon of honesty and integrity. When I didn’t need to lie. 

We exchanged a few pleasantries, then got down to peeling the mango. Or, er, business.

“How old would you like to be?” I asked him.

“Thirty five.” He answered. “Young enough to be in the prime of my life, old enough to be taken seriously. I can’t see a five year old getting an executive job, no matter what age is on his driver’s license.”

“Plus, you couldn’t reach the pedals of a car.” I joked, glossing over the fact that I strongly disliked making Immortal kids, and couldn’t make someone younger than 8. “Ready?” I asked.

“What do I need to do?” He asked.

“Just shake my hand.” I said, then turned to the camera. “I’m unsure if the visual effects will be transmitted. Don’t worry everyone! One light show, coming up!”

The cameraman shot me a thumb’s up.

The man took my hand, and I activated [A Drop of Eternity in a Sea of Starlight]. 

The world went black, then the first pinprick of light appeared. Then a second, then a third, and then there were more stars in the sky than grains of sand on every beach on Earth.

We zoomed in towards a cluster, a spiral galaxy. Further and further in we zoomed, until we were at a familiar sight.

Our solar system. With the proper dimensions and ratios, it showed just how vast space was, and how far apart everything was.

The planets slowed, then stopped. Then started to spin backwards.

Faster and faster they spun. The moon slammed into Earth, then was flung off into the void. The planets broke apart, then the sun exploded into pure hydrogen. The scene froze at the start of the creation of our solar system for a moment, then everything faded back. 

“Tada!” I announced with jazz hands. The man in question was patting himself down, looking amazed. Yes, thank you, I am amazing. 

“As for pricing! I recognize that this is all rather new, so I’m going to start easy. $10,000 for the first client, then it’ll double every client after that. I’ll stop doubling at a billion dollars per Immortal. Family discount is 50% off, but it’s immediate family. No forming a cabal to get me to make all of you Immortal at a discount. Most funds are going to be used for the Brockton Bay Betterment… Bureau, as well as funding Fenrir’s Furniture and Auri’s Apparel! Now, lastly, I don’t have a lot of contact information right now, so I’m going to be setting up a hiring booth on the Boardwalk! See you there!”

I waved with a smile.

“Wow, fantastic! This is Laurie Miller, with News Channel 5. Sir, would you be willing to comment on what it’s like to be Immortal?”

I left Laurie with a nice necklace and a matching pair of earrings - spun glass, gemstones were far too valuable on Pallos compared to here, actually I should stock up while the arbitrage was good - and zipped over to the Boardwalk. I scouted the area from above, noticing a running girl, but otherwise, the place was hustling and bustling as normal. 

Right… there.

I dropped down out of the sky, almost landing on the running girl, then popped out a stand. Basically a professional-grade lemonade stand. We didn’t have fancy computers and everything on Pallos - a hiring booth is what we used, and this wasn’t going to be my first, second, third, or last time using one. 

The girl - Tattletale, I recognized now - practically collapsed against it.

“Hire me.” She wheezed out.