writing this book, and fear (Patreon)

There are some things I want to write about, suicide, mental illness, trauma, and I keep doubting myself. There's a cycle. First confidence, thinking "I want to write a book that only I could write," and then fear, thinking, people won't want to read this. This is too bleak. Be funnier! Be more charming!

Part of it is how long it's been since I began the book, how much it has changed. The mental troubles I've gone through over the past few years, and the way they've reinforced my commitment to writing this book about suicide.

But it's also the way some of the people in my life have me turned around, convinced that nobody wants to read that. No one wants to hear about that. Unless I can make it funny. Unless I can make it warm, like Malagash.

And I do want to make it warm. There's warmth in a story like this. There's always warmth in a story about people who love each other.

My long time publisher rejected the book, with not much explanation why. I think that's put doubt into me too.

So, the book isn't done. I've written a lot of books. But I'm afraid, all the time, that I can't do it again.

Sometimes I feel like this doubt will make a better book in the end.

Sometimes I feel hopeless.