on writing warmer (fictional) suicide notes (Patreon)

The mother's suicide notes in the book have so far had a sort of manic, independent purity to them. She is choosing herself. Her children are on their own, they can handle it.

But I want people to understand that feeling. To be WITH the mother in some way. I don't want them to bounce off her as selfish for choosing herself. But readers deserve more credit than that. I don't think that's why people are bouncing off the character. I think it's because she is only expressing that choice. That fierce unwavering certainty she now has. She's just a wall.

And I don't need people to understand the reasons for her suicide, which really, are her own. (why did I do it? When did I do it? Where did I do it? Who did I do it?)

Even though she's choosing to leave behind children she loves, she still loves them. And I am trying to find ways to express that. That, I think, is what the letters need.

So,

--

Dear Simon,

Dear Sunday,

Your father loved the Muppet Show. We all used to watch it, whenever he wanted. Curled up on the couch. Do you remember?

There's an episode where Gonzo has a chance to be a star in Bollywood. He's so excited. He's going to leave the show and follow his dreams!

So, it's his last performance, and he's halfway through singing Frank Sinatra's "My Way" when he breaks down crying. He stands with his back to the audience, crying, until Kermit comes out to console him.

"I just don't want to go," Gonzo says.

"But you're gonna go out and make movies," Kermit says.

"I want to go there, I just don't want to leave here."

And Kermit says, "You had a choice to make, Gonzo, and you made it. And it was a good choice."

But you can hear the sadness in Gonzo's slow reply.

"I know."

Love,

Your Mother.

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