JUNE Kickoff 𓅯 Catching Up On Life, Changes & Work! (Patreon)

Hey, hello. I'm writing from you today tucked into a bench-seat at a local cafeteria-style venue that has multiple different restaurants in one space. I usually get an Americano (today it was iced) with oat milk and honey, from the coffee shop in this venue. The baristas know my order at this point--I'm always here. 

A lot has changed huh? Welcome back. I know it's been a month since we had regular content here and I thank you for your patience while I got caught up with freelance. We'll talk a lot about what I got done later in this "blog post" ( Am I straying away from calling it a newsletter? I don't know. Blog post feels more informal and personal, which is the goal here). I also want to thank you for your continued patience as I streamline/evolve this patreon page--we now are merging into one big tier: EVERGREEN! If you don't already know about this change and are still subscribed to the Seeds, Sapling or Harvest tier, you must make the switch to Evergreen by June 3rd! I explain all you need to know on WHY I am doing this in this video, and explain how to switch your membership in this post. If you do not switch by June 3rd you will no longer be a patron!

I've got a few blog post-style writings planned for the rest of the month, including a few that are more topic-specific (for example, delving into what it's been like to create a graphic novel with no prior experience). But today I just wanted to sit down and have a catch-up-style conversation about some very real things that have been happening, a lot of which are revealing themselves to me after almost a full year of working in freelance post-graduation. I have always valued transparency, and I feel like I say it all the time but sometimes it helps me to repeat it to myself--to know I do not have to put up a face that I am thriving constantly, to be really vulnerable and realistic in order to create space for solidarity in this community!

So...what happened in May?

What happened in May is I had a really rough time. 

I had a month of very intense feelings, the return of some unhealthy thought patterns, feelings of self doubt, a sense of discomfort in my own skin, irritability, and self-induced isolation. The negative experiences I created in my own head go on and on. I felt a collapse in my self confidence, and honestly lost sight of who I was for the last 2 or so months. I do not now if I am over that hump completely yet, but realizing this and taking the steps to try and reinforce positive habits has already helped so much.

I had a conversation with my friend Mercedes @merkyminck just the other day regarding a lot of this. She had written something very vulnerable on her instagram story about how she was feeling about her health, self image and overall mental well being. She owned up to feeling bad. We talked about it for a bit because I felt like everything she was saying mirrored my own thoughts: Unhappiness with self image, unexpected body changes or health discomforts, mental fog, a frustration with self and with life, feeling just overall kind of shit! We both expressed that we never would have expected that the other person would be feeling that way. "I always thought you were thriving!" she said to me--and I felt the same way about her. Awesome mountain-biking, colorful, quilt-creating, smiling Mercedes having a tough time? No way! How could someone so cool be doubting themselves like I was? 

But we all do, don't we? We all have thoughts when we look in the mirror. And someone is always looking at us wishing they could be us. "If only I could be like them...."

I took most of May, as I said, to catch up on freelance work. My impending 160-page graphic novel sketch deadline that I gave myself was June 7th and on May 1st I was only on page 75, or something like that. Panic kind of set in, realizing I was going to have to put all of my focus on that project in order to get it done. I made a google calendar weekly page goal, and would average 3 pages a day. Or rather, 3 pages was my goal to meet every day but inevitably there would be some days where I just could only fit in two, whether it be because of my other book that I'm working on, patreon reorganization stuff, or life simply happened. And then there came the sweet reward of getting slightly ahead if I stayed on track which allowed me to have one day off a week--but this was only if I worked very diligently for the rest of the week. 

3 pages does not sound like much, but for someone who has never done graphic novels before, the sketching phase requires a lot of focus and energy. I am thinking about camera angles, matching action, expression and acting, anatomy, fashion choices, consistency, environments, layout, paneling, how to get everything to fit on the page and still convey what the authors want, etc! Again, I will make a longer blog post about this stuff specifically later in the month--there's so much to talk about there. I'm learning a ton, and becoming a better artist and storyteller because of how much ti is challenging me. 

All this being said, trying to hit these goals with little to no breaks, plus the normal things that come with trying to live a balanced lifestyle (making time to work out and be active during the day, taking time to see people, errands and normal adult life stuff, managing social media, taking self-care time for hobbies and relaxation, etc etc) gets exhausting. I think the thing that was getting in my head most was the fact that I know it's not just this one project I'm signed for. I have two other books that should all be done by August/September. Also knowing that as soon as I'm done sketching, it's time to immediately go into lining and coloring all 160 of these pages, plus coming up with the cover. 

It felt like I was gasping for air constantly, like I was waking up in a sweat and having to go through it all again, barely keeping afloat. There was a cloud of responsibilities hanging over my head at all times--and a major part of that was worrying that I would let my patrons down. I know how much more work I have ahead of me, and I knew that if I continued patreon how it was--well--it simply would not have been possible. 

I had someone tell me that I "work too much", and I have a lot of thoughts on that. I do work a lot, but I work just as much as I should to get things done. Contracts are binding, and deadlines are (mostly) concrete. I was honestly pretty offended at first, because I felt they did not understand at all. I still kind of think they do not understand. But there was something to it--I have started living the reality that I told my precollege students and younger artists to try and avoid. I realized that the amount of work I have at the moment is not sustainable long-term, and that it's wearing me down from the inside out. I have talked with my agent regarding the future, and he agrees that the workload I had for my first year out of college was crazy. He said "let's see if you can do it", and I'm learning now that I just took on too much. I feel so thankful that the work is abundant, but after these contracts are up and the projects are over, I need to take on less. 

The burnout is, inevitably, what has lead to a lot of my other bumps in the road of mental health. When I do not live life passionately, I lose passion for myself. 

I think it's important also to clarify that I was making desperate attempts to "correct" this behavior I saw within myself--I still exercised 6 days a week, I got two tattoos (my first ever!), I would push myself reach out to friends and loved ones if I really needed to talk, I took a whole day off to go hiking with my mom, I am learning to rollerblade, and I am still excitedly counting down the days till the climbing gym opens! But, you get it don't you?--sometimes trying to "fix" your burnout can burn you out even further. I'm still navigating this concept myself. It does feel contradictory. I'm sure I will figure it out with time. Discomfort leads to comfort eventually. 

It's a lot like Rollerblading. I'm not comfortable with it yet, but I know if I keep it up and take the right steps, I will be someday.

Well, with that out of the way, why don't we talk about some nice things? 𓆏

Because there are some really nice things out there, and even while I was struggling I found myself having moments of "geez I am glad my electrons could experience this". 

First nice thing I'd love to share are some images that have been inspiring me lately. I collected these images from pinterest and instagram and put them in one place for you to gaze upon. I accidentally deleted my entire fashion pinterest board and have had to start from scratch, but it's been a nice refresh (?) that's how I'm choosing to look at it.

With the approach of summer weather, the color orange has been a favorite of mine lately. I've always been a burnt sienna kind of guy but tangerine is certainly catching my eye was the weather warms up. I always feel like I can taste it when I look at it. 

Do you like it when I list lovely things? Because I love doing it. It's my favorite part of writing these!

• Grapefruit--the fruit, the concept, the color, the flavor...I still think it's very sour but it hurts so good
• Parade underwear 
• Grilling/eating outdoors! My parents have been grilling food near their apartment's pool lately and I always come over to join
• Gradient "balls", just spherical radiating gradients...they are neat looking
• Wide leg pants, like really wide leg
• Mother Fucking Bucket Hats even if they don't stay on my head very well
• Morning Walks while listening to ologies--my new favorite flavor of Walking
• Sui Uzi's Night Song Pt.3 album
• Castlevania Season 4!!!
• Watching my friend Emily be a Sonic The Hedgehog Enjoyer
• Book Stores
• Shiratake Noodles aka Miracle Noodles--I use them in place of pasta
• OATMEAL/ PORRIDGE! I have been on that Oatmeal game again baby!!
• A Tale for The Time Being by Ruth Ozeki. I am 2/3 of the way through reading it--so gooood!
• complimenting/being complimented by strangers 
• Defunctland's youtube channel. It's all video essays about weird theme park stuff and more
• the authors that wrote Twelfth Grade Night, I know this is not very general, but they have been encouraging me every step of the way and we just chat about how much we love the characters all together
• a white t shirt. i just love a white t shirt
• conversely a t-shirt of any color designed by a fellow artist/art friend!
• Finally, and this is something I will elaborate on in a separate post: Seeing my art published, and sold in a big name book store. I recently designed a cover for a middle grade novel and it's out and in stores now! 

Sometimes I am uncomfortable with sharing that I'm not doing well, and even more uncomfortable with complaining or sharing details on why I am not doing well. The main reason I feel this way is because I know that people come here to feel good--to feel an escape from maybe the other things in life. I would never want to share things that make people feel disheartened or contribute to the negativity in their lives. 

But you're here for a lot of reasons besides that, aren't you? You're here to have a real human experience. Thanks for being here, whatever the reason for that may be. What did you do in May? What are you planning for June? I love knowing what you're up to!

So, let's put the disco in discomfort this month.

-JG