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TTS Q&A IS COMING BACK! (sort of) Come ask questions! (Patreon)

Published:
2017-06-19 05:54:46
Imported:
2026-06

Content

GREETINGS!

Now that EP25 is out of the way, I have now started working full time on the 'If the Emperor had a Podcast' project which I've talked about from time to time for a couple of months now.

The current episode that is in the works is Episode 0, which is effectively a pilot episode. It'll star the Emperor, Dorn, Wamuudes and Custodisi going through the White Scars lore that they had found at the end of EP25, which includes the 3rd through 7th edition Codexes, Index Astartes I, Chapter Approved: Book of the Astronomican and the Hunt for Voldorius!

Now, towards the end of each podcast, I considered that perhaps I should bring back a popular thing of the past - a Q&A segment!

Listeners from in and around the Imperial Palace ask questions to the Emperor and the companions surrounding him at the time (Dorn going by his wall-name/radio host name 'Adorable' to remain anonymous) while they answer is as aggressive a manner as always.

The questions asked for this, the first podcast, will be entirely Patreon exclusive! Because I feel that's only fair to you guys.

In the future, your questions will get prioritized before anyone elses too, but I will include some from the comment sections or what-not.

So, yeah - you ask away! Remember to stay slightly 'in-character' when asking these questions. These questions do originate in-universe from in or around the Imperial Palace after all, so can't have anything too weird or meta-breaking. Otherwise it can be anything from 40k to uh... I dunno, once we covered some guy who was having issues with his love interest or something?WHATEVER, GO AHEAD!Have a good one, Emperor bless!

Comments

Nathan Kosub

Dear Lord Man Emperor of Mankind, with all of your offspring and all the fighting that has happened between them and you, could you say you have a favorite and a least favorite (you know other than the one who put you in the position you are now), or do you love/hate all your sons equally - yours truly a simple guardsman. P.S. Oh Holy Terra I think I hear a Tyranid...

Drefsab

TO DA 'UMIE EMPRAH WOT'Z ON 'IS FLASH CHAIR: IF YER BOYZ LIKE KRUMPIN ZEE-NOS SO MUCH, WHY'Z DEY WURSHIPIN A SHINY SKELLY? YOU AIN'T DED, BUT YOU AIN'T LIVIN NEIVA. DAT MAKEZ YOU WUNNA DEM NEKRONS, DUNNIT? SIGNED - MEKBOY WRENCHBANGA.

Aidan

Oh my most splendid and beautiful Emperor, your most glorious presence has has inspired me to do good within the Imperium! and thus I have taken up on the craft of an artist as to express me love for you and all! please accept this newest piece of artwork that I have made for you my Emperor -secret admirer ;) <a href="http://imgur.com/a/8mg1g" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">http://imgur.com/a/8mg1g</a>

Ed130 The Vanguard

My glorious Emperor, I Cardinal Bucephelus have just received a rather unique pict-cast. It consists of Ecclesiarch Decius XXIII, tearing the Conclave a new arsehole and declaring You the Man-Emperor of Mankind. While a rather abrupt shift in religious doctrine it isn't cause for my question, instead it was Decius's change in voice. You see I often listen to his speeches and sermons for inspiration for my own and such a radical change from his normal er... 'rough' tone to something stronger during that great oration lead me to this thought, "Is Decius becoming an Imperial Saint?" If so his revelations will be much more agreeable to both the common man and the more stubborn members of the Ecclesiarchy. Your faithful servant: Cardinal Bucephelus XI of Gathalamor

Conor Gordon

G'day Big E, wanna crack open a cold one with the boys this Saturday mate? We're throwin' some 'nid and roo on the barbie, come get absolutely maggoted with us you bloody drongo! Malcolm Turnbull, Penal Colony Australis

Kirk Rowe

Dear Man-Emperor of Mankind, Oh Most Amazing of Our Kind, Why did you make the Space Marines a male only club? Seems like a waste to cut out half the population due to their fun bits. Your Faithful Servant: Archibald Stern (Alternatively) Dear Man-Emperor of Mankind, Mostly Splendorous Wonder Upon Mankind, Have you ever met the Machine God the Mechanicus are always on about? Is he (or she) a fun person? Lucelia Montague, Potential Techpriest?

Lumpy

Most regal Emperor, if you would permit me to ask one question I would like to ask; how do you feel about all of these psykers running around in all of the space marine chapters? Are their claims that you are guiding them true? Or are deamons just whispering sweet nothings in their ears to lead them to more violence. Signed - Rogue Trader Maximus Goldtooth

Ethan Philpot

Dear aspect of the Omnissiah I recently joined the priesthood of the Adeptus Mechanicus. During my first few days on Mars I've learned that almost every single piece of lost technology recovered from expeditions on this husk of a planet is either broken beyond repair or flat out hostile to all life. I hesitate asking my fellow priests, so I ask you: what exactly happened on mars that caused it to be so fucked up in the first place? Lexmechanic Sirah Fentic

Paul Calhoun

Oh Mighty Ominissiah We of the Forge World of GardSecatur would petition to know what your eyepatch does. It glows with a pleasing light and is gloriously integrated into your unfortunately otherwise unmodified skull, but does it have any other function? It was not there when you were so rudely – and almost terminally – interrupted in your rule of the Imperium, and none of our colleges on Mars will tell us what it does. Archimagos Claus Forge World GardSecatur

Paul Calhoun

I wrote that one as the short letter. I figured you might not want what I originally did :p His Imperial Highness, The God/Man Emperor of Mankind, Imperator of Terra, Protector of Mars, Rex Solar, Lord of the High-Slime Bottoms of the Zogged World, etc etc etc Terra Segmentum Solar The Imperium of Man Your Majesty, I am delighted to have the opportunity to write you personally after having been rebuffed by your trade ministers on numerous occasions. Let me first express my happiness at your splendid recovery and the recovery of so many of your favored sons so swiftly. Some of my exhibits – after several developments I won’t trouble you with – have seemingly made their way out of my collection and into the Imperium. Since they were originally yours, I will not hold it against you personally that a prized piece of my Istvaan diorama amongst others has made its way back to your Imperium, however this seems like a most opportune time to suggest that we open trading ties so that such regrettable incidents do not recur. I must admit that I may have procured some of my collection from Imperial sources, though I have always been careful to claim them either as spoils of war in our regrettable border skirmishes, mine by right when they make their way uninvited into my mansion, or as legally purchased goods. To celebrate our stronger ties, I would like to make an offer. I understand that your armor has been shamelessly dismantled, melted down, and turned into commemorative plates. Since it is no longer available and you are taking a more … administrative role in your Imperium, I was wondering about the current status of your sword. I cannot find any rumor of where it is and I thought perhaps you still had it lying around as it were. Since it is patently of no use to you anymore, I would be willing to trade for it or even information about its current whereabouts. I have quite an extensive collection of Imperial and other technology and personnel in my collection and at my disposal. I would consider some to be more of a … rental, however, or perhaps collateral for a later trade since it seems as if many very interesting events are about to transpire around you. Access to those events would be very pleasing to me, but maybe it is better to keep to the matter at hand and negotiate my admission to your glorious ascent once we’ve established a more cordial relationship. In any event, if you hold the sword I am sure I can find something I could part with in exchange for it, and if not then I can trade information for information. I may have the coordinates of a most astonishingly powerful relic of yours. I would in fact be grateful to trade that since I am very curious to know exactly how you made it. Trazyn the Infinite, Archaeovist Solemnace Sector 32408 Necron Empire

Matteo

To the Great 4 Armed Emperor: Recently my brothers and I have tried to demonstrate that we should be the rightful rulers of our world. Unfortunately, the planetary government has declared us mutants and heretics, even though you have sent your glorious, beautiful, purple, hissing four armed angels to tell us that we are the true rulers of this world. And after they told us, your messengers then blessed our children with glorious extra arms and purple skin so that they might resemble you more, oh Mighty Four Armed One! The other messengers they were followed by even rooted out those who didn't believe in you! Mostly by eating them, or melting them with acid guns that grew out of them. Truly wonderful and angelic! In response, they sent planetary militia and Sisters of Battle after us. What I'm trying to ask is, oh Mighty Emperor, could you sent us more armor penetrating weaponry? Those Sisters of Battle seem to be able to shrug off most of our weapons, and we need to demonstrate that we have your favor. Praise to you Four Armed One, Vaxios

Dr.ErikNefarious

(Dammit, I had something Similar:) To the Pretty Powerful but still Human Emperor of Mankind, Sol System, Terra, The Golden Throne. Human Leader, Since you have re-gained your ability to answer inquiry, I postulate a claim that would like to see verified or denied. It has long been assumed by my Empire that one of the shards of a C'tan known as "the Void Dragon" rests on the planet in your Sol System that you call "Mars" and has been taken in by your race and used to empower its machines by way of a "Machine Spirit". If this is true, I would suggest ceasing this action immediately; not only is it sacrilegious to my empire (we value the previously mentioned C'tan quite highly, compared to our brethren), but it is also quite dangerous for your people. If this shard ever starts re-gaining it's power; my astropaths predict with an 85% accuracy rate that every machine in your empire with some of the "Machine Spirit" within it will proceed to act strangely before becoming mentally recombined with the Dragon. In short and in your preferred vernacular: Every machine in your empire will turn against you as it will now be alive and very, very pissed. So if it is true you are powering your machines with the ghost of a C'tan, I would advise against any further action into this. Instead, a trade: If you return the shard to our empire, we shall give you something we have acquired of yours. Your people have stumbled across our borders quite frequently; perhaps there is something you'd like back. Maybe not anything as, say, Tazryn has in his collection, but still impressive. Nexillion, Phaeron of the Exitus Empire, Noctis, Tanthis sector

Adrius Frostglare

Dear Emperor: You seem to be able to conjure warp storms with merely a thought. Why is it seemingly impossible for you to simply possess an empty body until such a time as a new and glorious vessel can be prepared for you? It would spare you a lot of pain. Your faithful servant, Queriturus Curiosus

medhathobo

Hy Schelython Ghod! Mhy Crothch ish swoooo ichy buth I donth know whish khaos ghod ish teh culprith! Do hyuuuu know? Loveeeeeee~!, Culthisth Chan <3

Jimbob

OYE BONE BAG YOU'Z GOT 'SUM 'ANSOME PEARLY WHITEZ YE GOT IN DAT SKULL O' YOURZ, OW' BOUT A TRADE? -KAPTIN BADRUKK

Patrik Horvat

To the almighty Emperor of Mankind. My question stands: Now since your sons are reapiring again after some several thousands of years. Would you protect your son Magnus from his brothers which will accuse him beaing a traitor and show them that he has changed? You are a great warrior, leader, genius, just a true meaning of being a human but no offence you were a terrible father... (Inoming punch from you) From all of the episodes I cant remember not even once that Magnus or Rogal were proud to have you as a father. Now that family is going to be gathering you have a second chance to be a good dad and make a diffrence for you sons. I hope you understand what i wanted to ask you and tell you +dont show up in my dreams like Freedy Kruger and haunt me for this. Peace!

Christopher Divry

Damnit Fetch me some techpriet, I can't make this patreon-thingy work!

Patrik Horvat

I dont think a normal human body could sustain the power which the Emperor has. Or even a space marine superior body either. Emperors body was unique and powerful so he could use the full pontential of his powers. I think that not even 1% of his power could survive in a normal human body

Canal_Lane

My Emperor, The Tech Priests were merciful enough to allow me to write this down as I’m being lead into the ‘processing center’ after my tests to become what they call a ‘sanctioned psycher.’ They must have been very pleased with my results, because they placed a “Epsilon” grade on my shirt and told me to wait with the others. We keep being told of our importance to your grand work, and how only we can aid you in your mighty quest to safeguard mankind. Importance… who would have thought a farm boy from the plainsland could be so integral to your success! We’re being lead into a room now, and told we’ll have an audience at the Golden Throne of your most magnificent presence soon! I should have worn more appropriate clothes, but they hurried us onto those black ships so quickly I never had time to pack! My Question! Why me? Why my sister? Why the people from the other towns? How could we simple people help your grand plan? I’ll take no more of your time as they’ll be so much to do as we prepare to help you! ************************ Archived Last Rights of Epsilon Grade Psycher (Name Unknown) Processed in Throne Systems as batch 659/1000 (Approximately 1300 subjects) 999.M41 Tech Priest of his most beneficent Omnissiah, Marcus Langsworth.

TheBeastIsBack

Firstly congrats alphabusa on reaching your goal. Secondly: o dear unfathomable emperor lord and saviour of mankind. I have but one simple question. Why could the emperor not cross the road? BECAUSE HE HAD NO LEGS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH,GET PRANKED BRO.

WeedLovingUxion

Oh mighty Man-Emperor Of Mankind This question has plagued our planet for long, having split populace into two and we have been through 52 civil wars by now. Billions have died over theological debate over this matter, laws have been created and overturned and even Eclisiarchy has been unable to answer our question. Some of us have grown very tired of this debate, and the bloodshed that accompanies it. but as an important matter of public health, it needs to be answered. I humbly request You could answer our simple question, so that we may finally lay down arms and join together in harmony under Your wisdom. When You brought our planet, Eridanus V, back to the Imperial fold during the Great Crusade, You gave our governor an order. However, that order has been lost to time and we have been unable to solve the mystery until now. We wish You to reaffirm Your order, so we may follow it to letter and stop this bloodshed. Was Your order to hold Taco TUESDAY, or Taco THURSDAY? The rebels currently besieging our capital say it is Thursday, but who the hell has Tacos on Thursday? Clearly it was Tuesday. Yours Planetary Governor Maximillian Masaki Kraut XXXIV

On the Fence

To the Emperor of Mankind, First and foremost thank you for allowing us to write to you. I am humbled that you would take the time to answer the questions of the citizens of the imperium. Secondly, I wish to ask you do you know of the Lamenters Space Marine Chapter? The reason why I ask this is because of their troubled history. You see o' mighty emperor, despite the chapter being the most stalwart, heroic, and noble chapter ever conceived they have been persecuted by the very empire they fight for, abandoned by their allies, betrayed by those they considered friends, and nearly wiped out. I do not know what I want this to achieve or if this inspires you in some manner. All I know is that you deserve to know of their heroism and sacrifice. It is the least I could do after they saved me from an Ork Slave World. A Humble Servant

Paul Calhoun

The Emperor has no nose How does he smell? Awful

Paul Calhoun

Now I want to see an entire Necron Dynasty of Ghostbusters going around vacuuming the Dragon out of all Imperial technology!

Spiky1996

Dear Emperor of Mankind, What is the most disturbing thing you have ever seen on Terra/ The Warp or otherwise. Greetings, A faithful servant of the emperor of mankind

Maverick Robbins

Dear Emperor of Mankind, Do you the individual Ciaphas Cain, HERO OF THE IMPERIUM. His skill with a laspistol and highly proficient in the use of his chainsword in melee is unrivialed in the Imperium. He has defeated an Ork warboss, stood up to two Chaos Space Marines in single combat, gone toe to toe with two Tyranid Hive Tyrants, and wounding them both before his men can help him. Did you have anything to do with his extraordinary skills? Also, do you know his current whereabouts, as he is always on active duty?

silentwave

My Lord Emperor, Whatever happened to that golden armored guardian? I recall that he was among your favorite servants until his sudden disappearance after that last “terra-quake”. I have no idea what he has done to earn your ire, but can’t you simply recall him and give him a second chance to make up for his mistake? He surely would be better company than those excessively tanned goons that have replaced him. Your Loyal Servant, Luis Finsley, Servitor Herder

TheBeastIsBack

Wouldn't a robotic noes work though o great random mechanicus guy

Paul Calhoun

I'd worry he'd find out what the Throne Room actually smells like after 10,000 years of incense burning, offerings that get lost, skulls piling up, and everything else that happens around him. I think they'd have to be very careful how they installed it, too. Then again, we do throw pipes at him, so maybe we don't have to be that careful.

Hori

Dear Dr. Emperor, Firstly i have to say your Tomb looks quite stunning, you simply have to tell me how to contact your architect. My own Crypteks refuse to build from gold saying something about "weak" materials. But going to main topic I have received your contact information's from Overlord Trazyn along with flier on benefits of transferring ones mind to Human body. However im not entirely sold on the idea (not least due to it being suggested by Trazyn), as the "peak" specimen and leading Human biomancer I would like you to share advantages of your species over for example T'au? p.s. I have to say Emperor is a bizarre name even for your species. Glory to His Majesty, Overlord Hori of Enarkh Dynasty

TheBeastIsBack

Anastetic required Anastetic required Anastetic required Anastetic required

SexualYeti

Dear Emperor Can you please provide me with some more hot imperial guard bitches, because the ones I had previously have escaped my puzzle dungeon. I would ask the Departmento Munitorum but they would take years (literally) to answer back. So I am cutting out the middle man so to speak. Love, SexualYeti, Captain of the Cardinal Archivists, 16th Company.

Chordat

Hey Anatolian, First of all, yes, I know that's not actually your name, that's not the point. Secondly, I don't have any questions for you. I just thought I'd let you know that at least one person appreciates you making the Imperium and doing your damnedest to hold it together. Because despite how badly you fucked things up, the alternative is still far, FAR worse. Although being better than Chaos isn't really that high a bar to clear. Whatever, you keep doing you. Signed, Someone Who Has Seen Worse PS: Do you even remember your original name yourself?

Paul Calhoun

It'd be an interesting new way of governing if he went Legion and had a million+ psykers all host a tiny piece of him. Then again, that's not nearly dark enough by itself.

Chordat

Dear Human Emperor, Guess where I~ am~? :D -The Deceiver

Delta

Dear Emperor of Mankind, Despite their past shortcomings, what is your opinion on the Death of Korp of Krieg? Signed, Deltarius, Loyal servant of the Imperium

Taylor Tilbury

(Covered in Blood Splatter) Dear Emperor of Mankind, Could you please send us another Commisar? This one is bat-shit crazy, and not in the usual way either. The last 20 guardsmen he executed was for "Denying the existence of my imaginary friend whose name is fluffles". If you could send us a less insane Commisar we would be really grateful, preferably before he executes us for any more bizarre reaso (the next lines seem to be written in crayon) Hey Emp's, Please send some kibble for Fluffles, he is ever so hungry yet those bullies in the munitorum refuse to acknowledge his needs. I keep executing them but they keep bullying my poor dear Fluffles. Signed, your friendly friend, Commisar ZipZap

Puff Dreemurr

Dear Emperor of Mankind, I am beyond humbled to be able to write to you, our glorious leader. The question I have come to you for enlightenment might be considered rather trivial for you as I’m sure you have far more important things to do.. Oh great and mighty emperor, have you heard of the guardsman named Sly Marbo? I have heard rumors of his feats but I must say I have my doubts that a guardsman could do such things. Could he truly be a one man army? From a lowly servant yet curious servant, Raoul Fernot

GoEatATowel

Dear Rogal Dogal, wouldn't standing around of thousands of years make you sleepy? Do you sleep? Does the Emperor sleep? Do your loyal custodians sleep toget- I mean do they sleep too? - The Sleepy Astartes

Zack Coggins

Sorry bruvah, I believe I may have deleted my question on accident. I hope you don't mind me trying to rewrite it. It went as follows: To His Eternal Majesty the Emperor of Mankind, During may travels throughout time in the Ordo Chronos, I have witnessed countless great deeds and terrible tragedies. More often than not, my fellow Inquisitors and I found ourselves in the presence your resplendence. Whether it is witnessing your birth (from a tasteful distance of course), your murder by Fucking Horus, and the innumerable adventures in between. However, I find myself confused by one of your actions. Or rather, one of your inactions. When you found Angron on the soil of Nuceria, his brain violated by the Butcher’s Nails, and his mind consumed by howling madness; why could you not or would you not restore your tortured son? Certainly you, the uncontested greatest of man, could have undone something so seemingly insignificant. You created the Primarchs, you created the STCs, and you not only mastered but pushed past the limits of perfection in the art of warpcraft. I simply cannot understand why the absolute master of genetics, technology, and psionics did not just undo the savage archeotech of the Nails. Please answer this question so I may be one step closer on the endless journey of understanding your immortal brilliance and infinite wisdom. I thank you for your time, Inquisitor Walker, Ordo Chronos

UnfailingEagle

Dear glorious Man Emperor of Mankind, Greeting my lord. I have come with a question, what ever happen to the lost primarchs II, XI and their legions? With the inquisition sudden disappearance, I have been researching their unattended archives and found a reasonable amount of knowledge on most of the primarchs. But those two have next to nothing on them. Why were they removed from imperial history or is the imperium just shit at keeping paper work. From your Loyal servant, an Astartes name Eagle.

Grimpunk Miniatures

Beloved God Emperor of Mankind, Being an athiest and understanding of the xenos plight can make it hard keeping one step ahead your most holiest of Heretic Hunters and their burning pyres topped with heathens. Is there any way I can freely disbelieve in you and get away with it my most godly of emperors?

Bob Kyne

Dear Emperor, Lets say that in an alternate universe you did not have a text to speech, and Guilliman was to get better and took over. Let's also say he went into your throne room for a day. What would you convey to him? Just a totally hypothetical question.

Lukethanuke

Dear Emperor of mankind, An aspect of your time upon the physic throne of Terra has troubled and disturbed me since first I heard of it many cycles ago. It is said the each day a thousand psykers are "feed" to you and has been since time unknown. My questions are thus: How are they "feed" to you? Were do they all come from (surely they cannot ALL be from Terra)? Who organises all this? Is this not a remnant of the faux religion? And what good has this done for the imperium, if any? A Paradox of the infinity.

Austin Horner

Dear Man Emperor of Mankind, Out of the four defilements to reality and sanity that refer to themselves as gods which do you find the least atrocious. I personally would have to side with khorne as at least his followers will fight you in glorious combat rather then tele-fraging you from across the planet.

A Birb

Greetings, oh Emperor. My people and I have been following your civilization from the shadows for near ten millennia now. After our encounter with the "Warmaster" and subsequent violence, you've all mostly... fucked off from our sector. We are rather puzzled by this and our records of that time are of no help for we withdrew into our systems, bracing for a war that never came, and had little contact with the outside. Nevertheless, your return to power and your recent actions have come to our attention, as well as this opportunity given for answers to questions. So I, as representative of my people, ask you, the leader of the Imperium,...are we cool now? Signed, Ajath Dien, Dyplomaester Choosen by the Council of External Matters of the Interex. P.S: Could you give back the Anathame? The Kinebrach are very pissy and we're running out of Katnip. As a token of good will, we offer this melody as a gift. According to our Aria, it should suit your current disposition perfectly. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ9YVF-wyho" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ9YVF-wyho</a>

Claire Beehive

Dear Emperor of Mankind, what's your favorite thing to complain about? Or Dear Emperor of Mankind, why hasn't technology improved in the last millennia?

A Birb

To Lord Adorable. My Lord, what is your comment on the Last Wall protocol? And the death of Koorland "Slaughter" at Ulanor? Would not the eradication of the primary succession chapter be reason enough to reveal yourself? How about helping like Vulkan did? Signed, A poor bruvah forgotten on Ardamantua, Wall Name: Trigger(ed)

Yenklash

Dear emperor, i have been a very good boy this year. I prayed to you every day, i (almost) didn't eat any rats and i help papa and mama at the factory everyday now! Do you think you could send me the gift i asked for sanguinala ? I only want a lasgun or a power knife so i can become the chief or my gang! Only to beter serve you Oh emperor! Kindly, (that child with a space marine box on his head, i don't know his name)

Toby

Oh my manly Emperor of Mankind, while digging into Terra's holy ground to lay foundations for more habitation block. During our excavation we uncovered an ancient data slate supposedly dating back to M2.17! Inscribed in this data-slate were confusing low gothic terms such as "dank memes" . "normie" , and "traps are gay". With your unlimited wisdom could you enlighten the scribes to these ancient terran terms' meaning to the Impewrium at large? ~Toby

wodiesan

Oh most wondrous Emperor of Mankind, I am a former Interrogator and a psyker of no small ability under the employ of your Inquisition. I was, very recently, promoted to full Inquisitor. Unfortunately, my master's death was the catalyst for this honor. Along with her rosette, I've inherited a full set of your Tarot—and no instruction in its use. So far my abilities only scatters these liquid-crystal wafers across the room, making a huge mess in the process. My last attempt somehow managed to bend the upper left corner of the Space Marine. What are you trying to tell me? And is there a manual that I could borrow? I remain, now and forever, your humble and confused servant, Inquisitor W, Ordo Hereticus

kingdrummer666

Dear glorious Man Emperor of Mankind, Gold is very nice and everything, but have you ever considered doing something with Diamond?

OrdoXenosAgent

My Emperor the following is a message intercepted by my vessel while tailing an eldar craftworld. It is hand written and clearly addressed to you in the foul xenos poor attempts to write in our language. I present it now to you completely unedited my lord. With Regards, Inquisitor Haltix, Ordo Xenos. Dear Emper, Hi! I ain't supposed to write to you so you got to keep this a secret, ok? I heard some guardians saying the mon'keigh think you're real nice and give them gifts and stuff if they're good. They said it was silly but I've been really good! I been meditating every single day and washing behind my ears and cleaning my wraithbone and everything! So I know you're probably super busy and stuff but if you're near the craftworld then maybe you can bring me my mom's spirit stone? She went away to fight and when she came back she wasn't moving anymore but she didn't have her spirit stone. I'm scared she's lonely. I don't know what it's like inside a spirit stone and the exarch won't tell me but I miss her a lot. I asked dad what it was like but he doesn't talk to me much anymore since they put him in a rafelord. He says he's cold a lot. Can you bring him a blanket? A big one if you got it. I don't know how to give this to you so I'm putting it in an airlock. You're really magic so I bet you'll find it right away! I don't got nothing to give you for reading this but if you visit me I'll promise I'll give you a million hugs! -Love Athan

Sean Geraghty

To My Most Manly Manperor, I have but one question for you as I; sure your esteemed sons wouldn't mind an answer to as well. Who is, biologically, the mother(s) of the Primarchs or at least the provider(s) of the embryos to your manly seed? Your faithful Ponderer: Ulrich

Diego Flores

To the mighty Man-Emperor of Mankind: Where are the squats? I know their world were consumed by the Tyranids, but still there were many survivors and Squat regiments that could continue to exist, so where are they? Sighted your most loyal servant Another Brick in the Wall

-Y-

Oi Golden Git, Did ya notice there was a soul fragment of ya yelling to kill all d Tau? He waz 'anging around one of dem four Kaos Bosses. It was Squidward, I fink. Watz all dat about? Respectively, Ork wid a Lexicon

Deliciously Decadent drawings

Hello oh great Chicken Nuget of Mankind, I have heard a horrible rumor of a an orc that has lady bits, and another rumor that its acturally attractive for some reason? Now could this be the work of that he/she chaos thingy or just some prank the Dark Eldar pull on people in the Imperium to get them killed by Orks when they go searching for this creature? Sincerely, Thanatos Maligus

Glen Mallorca

To his most glorious and magnanimous man-emperor of mankind, Do you ever feel the need to inform your Custodians that they are the brainwashed children of your enemies whom you claimed in all your righteousness as mere toddlers and then proceeded to purge of their memories? Signed, Former-Tribune Ra Endymion (I might have survived that Daemon you tricked into possessing me ripping its way out and am now living under a trashcan near the palace).

Cinder

Emperor, what happened to all of the water on Holy Terra? I mean, what really happened to it?

Tish

Oi Goldie Boy, ye hear about that Yarrick guy? he's pretty something, we waz wonderin if that story about him being all that great because of the boyz thinks so and twisting the warp so that he stays that way. Also doc says youre an eazy fixeruper your already only bones so all the squishy parts are gone so he can fix ya easy if ya want -Sneaky Git from the Fanboyz

Daniel Berry

Bruvas! A day, a time, a very EPOCH, of glory now ensues! Remember, never forget, render thy thoughts veritably indelible, these moments from this breath until our last! Huzzah! Huzzah! HUZZAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

ArchMagos

my lord i have but a single question. will you forgive the dark angel's. they may have missed the siege of terra but they have more them made up for it with all there acts over the last 10'000 years. please my lord forgive them so that people stop bulling me because i like them. THEY ARE NOT HERITICS NO MATTER WHAT THE INQUSITION MY SAY. thank you my lord

Captain Stukov

Our Glorious Emperor, I’m just a simple stormtrooper that have survived many battles with my squad. Once when we were back at the base to resupply we saw an execution of a heretic that screamed we should ally with xenos to stop the Chaos. I know that is highly heretical to ally with Xeno, but this highly heretical idea got stuck in my mind. Maybe we should make cease fire pact with those filths until the real threat, Chaos, is defeated? I’m not talking about the greenskins, they know only war and their fungbeer that we stole is too good for this. Put those filthy assholes Eldars or those pathetic weak Tau, those lesser races right now only work as distraction from war with Chaos and when cheasefire is forced then we can fully focus on Chaos. Of course, after Chaos is defeated we can show those filths why mankind is the best. Your humble servant, Captain Stukov, 48th Void Crows.

William Bird

Hey Emps! I was wondering if the Lamenters will ever get a break from being the Imperium's chew toy. They go through hell and back in your name yet the Imperium at large detests them for no real discernible reason. Despite holding the line and protecting your civilians despite mass casualties they receive nothing but scorn. I understand the penance crusade they were forced to take at the end of the Badab War but that was due in part to the Astral Claws being the first chapter to treat them like friends instead of giving them outright hatred. Will you call your loyal sons home so they may replenish their strength and continue to serve you and the people of the Imperium for millenniums more?

Kazzahn Madden-Uren

Oh Might Man-Emperor of mankind, Is it true Rogal Dorn... Father still yet lives? Ever guarding the most sacred of places? If this is so I ask you father as I stand in defense of the Cadian gate against the forces of the Black Leagon, are you disapointed in your sons of the Black Templar? Or perhaps just disagree with the method of that which we dispatch HERETIC AND XENO FILTH... Yours Truly one of your loving son of the Black Templar. P.S What's this I hear about the Ultramarines going into the Eye of Terror?

Aedral

Monkeigh Emperor, I ask of you: what is your opinion of the Aprior Sector and the Knights Inductor chapter of your Astartes? Is there reason something that you would approve? Alith Anar of the Exodite world, Lida

Arganos The Brass Scorpion

Greetings all-Father if a humble son of Russ may ask what are you planning on doing with the captain-generals once he returns to you, afterall his sudden departure seems to have upset you m'lord.

SheepFace2000

Hey Emps, What's up with your hair? You look like you got plugged into an electric socket. Do the Custodes not have any fabulouuuuus hairdressers?

Skankinshoes

(This letter seems to be inked in blood and written on flayed human skin) Dear False God Shithead, Hey just wanted to say thanks for sending your favorite UltraBerries to come and burn down our perfect city of Monarchia 10,000 years ago. Do you have any idea how long it took to make that city? How proud we were? Gods, we did it for YOU. Anyway just wanted to let you know that we still hate you and we're going to take you off your throne, and seat Aurelian there and spread the love and joy of Chaos to mankind as it should be. The XVIIth remembers. Dark Apostle Ezra 367th Host WordBearers. P.S. Hi, Uncle Magnus come and visit Sicarus again sometime when you find your way out of that obviously over compensating for something gold hell hole.

Chernobeta

Dear Rogal Dorn, The whole of Terra is gossiping on your magnificent sense of humor, so I am writing to tell you some of my jokes! What kind of key opens a Banana? A Monkey! What's yellow and smells like red paint? Yellow paint! Why can't you tell jokes to the Blood Ravens? They take it literally! Yours truly, Inquisitor Obiwan Sherlock Clousseau

David Rodoy

Dear Man-Emperor of Mankind, Despite having declared yourself not-a-god, you still seem to be worshipped by the Techpriests of Mars. Are you more comfortable being the omnissiah than a god-emperor even though it's the same thing with the serial numbers filed off? And if not, what are you going to do? And what will you do when - inevitably - they don't listen to you since they don't listen to anybody and do their own thing? Yours truly, A somewhat bitter ecclesiarch who feels those dirty techpriests are getting off scot free.

Kirk Rowe

Oh Great Emperor, If you don't like gods all that much, why did you name Vulcan after an ancient human god? Sincerely, Ander Lipsky

Kirk Rowe

Oh Mighty Emperor, Greatest of Man, We of the Apriori Sector has learned much in our time separated from the Imperium. We follow your ways, and learn from your mistakes, and seek reflection in our own. My humble question is such: Have we and the Knights Inductor strayed from your light? Ex Tenebra, Lux Esmerelda Nirn, Apriori Sector Internal Security

Rune Jes Rasmussen

Oh Great and Glorious Emperor and Dorn have Thy heared about the War Against the Beast? Sincerely The Hunter of Lost Lore

Mabel Zhao

Dwear Mwister Gwad Empower? Whare do Babees cum frum? -Leeman Russ