Wrong Guy, Right World (To Screw Up) Part 2 (Patreon)

I wake with a slight headache.

Not the skull-splitting, hangover type—just the dull, annoying ache that comes from sleeping on a shitty bed with a shitty pillow. The kind that makes your neck stiff and your shoulders tight. It'll pass after some self-massage, even so, I'll be dealing with this for a long while.

Unless...

I am definitely going to buy the most expensive, highest-quality feather pillow I can find in this stupid world. And if it's possible to enhance it with magic or whatever, I'll do that too.

All hail the ultimate world artifact: the Pillow of Eternal Good Sleep.

Yeah. That's a good plan to solve one of my issues.

Wait, I remember there's an alchemist girl in the Empire capital who somehow recreated the old reliable Coke and BBQ sauce. Maybe if I tell her a couple of things, she could make other essential sauces to give real flavor to this tasteless food.

But that's just convenience stuff. Quality-of-life improvements. It won't actually help me survive this death world. Yes, I'm calling it a death world because there are way too many bullshit things capable of exterminating humanity and killing you.

I let out a sigh, dragging both hands across my face.

This won't get me anywhere—moping and raging. I need to think.

So I push myself up to a sitting position, hand moving to my chin as I try to think through my next steps. I need a plan, no matter how simple. Any plan on how to proceed is enough.

First things first—I check my pocket.

And much to my relief, the metallic surface of the compass is there.

So that dream with the stupid goddess was real.

I pull it out, the bronze surface warm against my palm, and flip it open. I wasn't paying much attention to it when it was given to me, but it's actually really beautiful to look at. The design, the flawless surface—it has a strong ornamental quality. But that's just aesthetics. I look at the needle, and instead of pointing north like a normal compass, it spins wildly before settling firmly toward the southeast.

That means there's something I desire in that direction.

Good.

However, I can't help but notice something on the inside of the lid—a blacked-out mirror.

I squint because I don't remember that from my dream.

Almost immediately, glowing blue letters appear across the mirror's surface.

"My dear Hero Cloud, I understand you need as much aid as possible in this arduous new journey. After long deliberation and careful consideration of the divine rules and restrictions, I've come to understand that a status window does not overreach my hand and would still help you in your journey."

—The Goddess Iris

Then the message fades out.

I blink.

Then sigh.

Right. I kinda forgot this is an RPG world with basic game elements—status windows and everything tied to numbers. Stats, levels, skills, the complete package.

But honestly? It's not so bad.

JRPGs with number games were meant to be broken in ways developers never intended. I've played plenty of games where you could stack buff after buff after buff, then combine stat increases from weapons and items and consumables to one-shot anything in the game. Or destroy entire systems.

Fun times.

So that means all I have to say is the most classic word in all these stories.

"Status."

The mirror distorts slightly, ripples spreading across its surface like water. Then information materializes in crisp, glowing text:

Name: Cloud from Prona Class: Hero Level: 17 Strength: E (115) Agility: E (105) Durability: F (85) Mana: F (70)

Huh. Not an exaggeration from that woman. Pretty useful function besides the compass. It'll help me keep control of my growth.

My growth...

Oh yeah, now I fucking remember.

This dumbass somehow locked himself into the ultra-masochist loser cuckold route—the one with the worst possible bad end—and wasted his Holy Sword, a VERY LIMITED trump card, fighting garbage monsters that gave him absolutely nothing in return.

Fuck you, Cloud.

I can even feel bile rising from my stomach, burning up my esophagus as I clench my teeth, my hands balling into fists with nails digging into my palms.

This damn useless limp-dick coward... I'm going to find a necromancer—because I'm sure those exist here—and summon Cloud just to—

No.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale...

Exhale.

Relax.

I need to relax.

Getting rightfully pissed won't change anything.

I need to keep a cool head. Wallowing in self-pity won't help.

Okay. Focus on the positives.

While I'm technically a total weakling—and that's including the fact that I lost all combat knowledge because surprise surprise, transmigration to another body doesn't mean instant powers and abilities—I'm still a Hero-class.

That means a lot in these kinds of settings. Because I have the talent to excel at anything I set my sights on. Hero class is a sponge that absorbs all sorts of knowledge quick. It's like a big multiplier of sorts. People who would take years of restless training, blood and sweat—all meaningless to a Hero who will pick up those skills in less than a week.

I'm a blank canvas.

And I can't just dismiss the fact that I'm still stronger than the majority of humans in this world, and that includes high-ranked adventurers. The weakest hero is still one of the strongest humans.

So it's not that bad of a situation. Not ideal, sure, but survivable.

Besides, since this world is tied to a game system, learning new things is probably also tied to game logic.

Which means I can min-max the hell out of it. How detailed or interconnected are these game elements? Like, if I train my body, will I increase my stats? Will new non-combat skills affect my combat skills? Do gaining feats and titles give me permanent buffs? Blessings? Or does everything depend entirely on EXP?

Mmmmm... If my memory serves me right, Cloud increases his level by hunting low-level monsters and bandits around Prona and dungeons...

THE RINGS!

A plan forms in my mind.

Step one: use the compass to find as many rings as possible.

The enchanted rings. There's even one that's super good. Because the original Cloud was so useless that he never even bothered looking for treasures or items to help his party and was just being led around by them. No gear upgrades, no stat boosts, nothing.

So Cloud—the new Cloud—is going to look for the rings and wear one ring on each finger. I'll do the same, but now I'll try to put some on my toes.

Or pierce my ears to try to benefit from them. Hell, even my lips and face if necessary.

If it works, great. Even more stat boosts.

If not? Nothing lost but a little disappointment. Because still—10 rings!

All the RPG games limit you to one or two rings tops because the game devs KNEW how dangerous it was to give so many slots to players and how badly the balance will be irreparable broken and the nightmare to balance those.

I glance back at the compass.

The needle shifts direction—now pointing east instead of southeast.

Huh.

So my desire changed the moment I thought about rings, and now it's probably pointing toward the nearest one.

Amazing.

But then there's a knock on the door.

"What are you doing inside, Cloud? Are you still sleeping?"

I squint in the direction of the voice. Who might be calling me in the morning?

The party members.

"Cloud?"

She knocks again. 

What am I supposed to do now? Get up and greet her?

But soon that knocking turns into banging on the door.

"Hey Cloud! Answer me! Are you still sleeping... Wait. The door isn't locked..?"

The door creaks open—because I forgot to lock it, or the locks are just garbage quality. Probably both.

"Cloud! Wake up! How late are you going to sleep?!" And the door slams open.

Right then, I see a cute girl with long, smooth hair held in two ponytails. Rather short in stature, holding a long wooden staff in her right hand.

What was her name again?

I scrunch up my face, thinking hard, flipping through the mental notes from the diary.

Eri!

Eri is the mage. Ophelia is the saint candidate. Neria is the knight.

I connect gazes with the girl, and she seems to freeze mid-step, her mouth opening as if to say something.

Only I look away and lay back on the bed. "Ughhhhhhh..."

Yep. The bed is still garbage.

But now I remember the three heroines. The party members of the hero party.

Remembering a little more—besides acting all miserable and regretful through the entire novel, they're necessary for that special dungeon where I can get that special plant that'll fix my micro dick. Because adventurers are useless. After that, I can ditch them completely and focus on myself entirely.

"Hey, what's with that attitude?! Come out quickly! Everyone is waiting for you!" The mage shouts, stomping her foot.

Oh right. Eri is also supposed to be the stereotypical tsundere because of some cheap aristocratic drama and being a bastard daughter. And this dumbass Cloud allowed her to be as tsundere as possible, feeding into her stupid games.

Ophelia is a massive perverted saint.

Neria is the clingy tragic childhood friend.

I don't want to deal with them. They're stereotypes, and walking stereotypes were a pain in the ass to read about. So how much worse would it be to actually be with them?

I don't wanna.

"Make me," I hiss.

Oops. I didn't mean to say that out loud.

"W-what did you say?!" Her voice pitches higher, sounding very indignant. "Did you just—Cloud, you can't just—"

I can already predict that she'll throw a hissy fit and start hitting me or something cliché like that.

Wait. Why do I need to play any of their games or meet their demands?

I'm the Hero. The party listens to me.

Not the other way around.

I turn my head to look directly at her. "I said get out. I'm busy."

"You're—excuse me?!" Eri's face flushes red, her grip tightening on her staff. "You can't just tell me to get out! I'm not some—some servant you can order around! We've been waiting for you for over an hour, and everyone's getting impatient, and you're just lying there like—like—"

I get up.

She's still mid-rant when I tower over her, and her words die in her throat. Her eyes widen as she instinctively takes a step back, then another.

"I. Said. Get. Out." My voice comes out flat, emotionless.

"Y-you—" She stammers, her face cycling between red from anger and pale from... fear? Surprise? "You can't just—this isn't like you! What's gotten into—"

I don't let her finish. I walk forward, and she backpedals until she's in the hallway.

Then I slam the door in her face.

The silence that follows is almost deafening.

Then footsteps—hurried, stomping away.

I turn around, walk back to the bed, sit down, and sigh.

"Fuck this world..."

However, that felt... surprisingly good. Now that I think about it, I just put down a tsundere.

Heh.

So with a mind a little more clear, I go back to thinking.

After a moment, I decided to test out one of my many hypotheses.

I get down on the wooden floor and start with basic push-ups.

But soon I'm surprised by how easy they are. My arms move smoothly, my legs are without any issues, and I don't even feel any strain.

So I start adding difficulty.

Side push-ups. No issue.

Tricep push-ups. No issue.

Clapping push-ups. No issue.

Turning push-ups. No issue.

Now one hand. No issue.

Now to the side. No issue.

I'm doing them all without feeling tired.

So I go for a really hard version.

I shift my weight forward, lifting my legs off the ground until I'm almost in a handstand—balancing my entire weight only on my hands and arms.

That's when I finally feel some difficulty.

I start doing push-ups like that, my arms trembling with effort, my whole body shaking as I lower and push back up.

Damn.

But I keep going.

Only when I finish a short set, do I drop to the floor, gasping for air.

That was incredibly hard.

I roll onto my back, chest heaving, and pull out the compass. I flip it open.

"Status."

Name: Cloud from Prona Class: Hero Level: 17 Strength: E (115) Agility: E (105) Durability: F (85) Mana: F (70)

The numbers remain the same.

Okay. Maybe thinking I'd get fast gains wasn't a good idea.

I have one day to test it out properly. See if stats increase through training or if it's purely EXP-based.

So back to exercising!

-------------------------------------------

-Later…-

I'm semi-naked at the riverside, sitting on top of a flat rock with some logs piled at my side. I cut down some trees with an axe I borrowed. Luckily, there was a river relatively near that piss-poor village.

Why am I in the river?

There was only so much I could do inside a room, so I went to train outside by the riverside—mostly for the water to always be fresh and for easy access to a lot of wood to make makeshift weights. Hence, I cut down a few trees. Chopping wood is a good way to exercise your body too. It was a win-win strat.

I've been at it for hours. Push-ups, squats, lifting logs, running along the riverbank until my lungs burned. Everything I could think of to push this new body to its limits, and that took a lot of effort too.

Seriously, a Hero is busted in so many ways.

So I pull out the compass and flip it open.

"Status."

Name: Cloud from Prona Class: Hero Level: 17 Strength: E (115) Agility: E (105) Durability: F (85) Mana: F (70)

Dammit.

It's exactly the same as this morning.

And it's getting dark.

I sigh in disappointment, letting my head drop back against the rock. Training didn't help increase my stats at all. I was really hoping that wasn't the case—it would have given me a new avenue to exploit. Even if it was a single stat point.

So that leaves killing monsters for EXP and monster cores. I remember that in this world, monster cores help in increasing one's power. That's how Frillite, the Empire Hero, was so powerful, but that's a rather expensive endeavor and I'd need a lot of cores of powerful monsters to make any real difference.

But well, I still have that possibility. I could also unlock non-combat jobs that might bring benefits to the main combat class. Crafting, alchemy, cooking, weaving—whatever this world has available. 

I'll try that tomorrow.

For now, I focus on the compass again and think really hard about monster cores, trying to see if I can somehow influence it to find one around here.

However, the needle doesn't budge. It's still pointing in the same direction as before—toward the ring I thought about earlier.

Well, of course it wouldn't be that easy.

I pocket it and stand up, brushing dirt and wood splinters off my pants before I stretch my arms. The cool evening air hits my bare chest, and I realize just how much I've been sweating.

Well, I still have some days before I'm forced to go to the Empire, so I'm going to squeeze those days for all they're worth instead of crying in my room.

Monster hunting tomorrow. Ring hunting the day after. And if I can figure out how to unlock those non-combat jobs, even better. If they exist...

I grab my shirt from where I left it hanging on a branch and pull it on, grimacing at how rough the fabric feels against my skin once more.

God, I miss cotton. Actual, soft, modern cotton. Maybe I should look for silk in the Empire.

I take one last look at the river, watching the water flow past in the fading light, then head back toward the village.

Time to endure another night on that torture device they call a bed and the boiled water they have the gall to call stew.

-----------------------------

AN: Our new Cloud is a dedicated gamer.