UPDATE & Unfilled Requests Pls Message Me! (Patreon)

Hello again, sorry I've been so absent but here's another little personal update thingy so you know what's been going on with me because I'm sure some of you have been wondering! Warning it's looong and a little gloomy and depressing because I'm a disaster human, but I welcome any advice you'd like to give me in the comments!

I plan to rework my Patreon page to better reflect my current situation but for now everything is super scrambled for me. I've kinda fell behind and lost track of a lot of things so it just feels like I'm drowning in a bunch of incomprehensible screw ups. And although it's my own fault, it's also the thing that is holding me back even more because of fear. Falling so far behind has given me this weird kind of stage fright when filming videos, I feel like I don't belong here and sometimes I don't even log onto my accounts because I just feel like I'm too far gone and too much of a disappointment to show my face on here. Every time I try to get back into things and feel hopeful and excited, and people are like 'omg Seafoam is back!', it never lasts and I fall back into the hole. Its a very discouraging feeling when I've tried and failed so many times now over the past year+ and just keep letting myself down.

I'm a full time university student now so that's part of the reason my activity has dropped off, but another reason is that my life is just incredibly different than it used to be back when I was doing full time Youtube. Over the past year I've made an effort to adapt my channel into my new life but clearly that hasn't been working great for me, considering my crappy upload schedule. I feel guilty that I can't seem to get a handle on things no matter how much I try when there's people watching and waiting all the time. I've grown and changed a lot, my interests are different, my living situation is different and doesn't accommodate for filming the same way it used to, my personal life is very different (I used to be isolated with no irl friends so my channel and online persona was the center of my world) and since I started living all by myself for the first time, I've been struggling with new irl challenges that I've never had to deal with before which is a whole other thing that hasn't seen much improvement. Most of you know I have my own little arsenal of mental health issues, and currently most of my problems are due to pretty intense and consistent dissociation. I feel like an unsupervised little kid whos been given a grown up life and expected to maintain it like a normal adult, and I try my best but I'm still constantly disappointing myself and I'm kinda just barely staying afloat enough to keep things from falling into complete shambles. Which is quite the achievement for a lost and clueless child, but not nearly up to standard for a grown ass adult, which I am. But I'm in therapy and stuff so I'll be alright, please don't worry about me, I'm only sharing this to be fully transparent and let you in on everything that's going on for those who are curious about me personally.

So yeah. Nothing in my life is the same now and it's really hard to maintain that old standard of my channel even when I get motivated and really want to do it. It just keeps slipping away from me every time. So... after a year of trying and failing, I think I've come to know my limits a little more and I'm going to try to create a new standard instead of holding myself to the old one. I'm still not entirely sure what that will look like, but my main priority right now is to try and get back to making at least semi regular videos for my channel, because I can barely even manage to do that.

As of now I've filmed four videos that I plan to edit, nothing super interesting or fun like costumes and rp, but it's better than the whole lot of Nothing I've been putting out in the meantime. Hopefully with a few videos under my belt I'll feel more comfortable to film the roleplays that you all love when there's less of that looming pressure to upload due to being so inactive. I've got some free time during the holidays to try and get more filming done!

Thank you to everyone who has stuck around through all of this, you're the true MVPs ;w; and I love and appreciate you. And thank you and welcome to the new patrons that continue to pop in even with my horrible consistency. Although everyone's continued support means everything to me and truly helps me to keep going, fulfilling new patron rewards or requests is a bit too overwhelming for me at the moment unfortunately.

TO THOSE STILL WAITING ON REWARDS:
With all that being said, if anyone is still waiting on previous commissions/rewards that I have already accepted, please message me so you get to the top of my inbox and I can make a new updated list! Be sure to include the details of your original request and I'll do my best to get them done for you. Hopefully when I wrap up those loose ends on old rewards and re-do my page it will reduce the overwhelm I feel and help me to become more motivated to create new stuff.

I will send a message back to confirm that I read your message so you know whats goin on. If anyone had previously requested the custom doodle option from me, I might not be able to get it to you soon as they are low on the priority list, but you can still message me if it's something you still really want!

If you read through this whole thing, you get an imaginary gold star and 10 goodboi points, so thank you for caring about me. I will see you in my next video! ^-^