VIP Lounge Requirements (Patreon)

I'm not stepping foot in a tournament until the VIP lounge is equipped with the following:

• gaming floozies to massage my controllers between sets.
• beefcakes that’ll keep my lips moisturized in game 5 situations
• a harem of dandies and dandizettes that'll pop-off on my behalf after a big win.
• a complete copy of Hungrybox's genome (don't ask).
• Gamer Goop (not sure what this is, but I will fucking lose it if I don't have it).
• a saltwater aquarium filled to the brim with Kevin Nanney's tears.
• a real life Draco Malfoy.
• a thick stack of Necco wafers.
• a keg of Mountain Dew Code Geass.
• pretty boys to do my laundry and wash my CRT.
• egyptian cotton sheets, minimum 14,000 thread count (and i WILL count, you motherfuckers).
• iced towels to wipe the sweat off my chest and balls.
• a list of escorts in the area that look like Betty White.
• A sterling silver goblet filled with the royal blood of a virgin (any gamer will do).
• the ability to counterpick to Twisted Metal 2.
• a bag of non-dairy creamer (with dairy, please!)
• an electric broom that will sweep the bracket for me.
• an in-house barber shop (for the boysss).
• a fursuit for my dog so we can go on walks together (he hates his body).
• a "theory of everything" (don't spare any details, or I'll lose my shit).
• Deep fried bacon wrapped pork dumplings for me and my boyz.
• Crystal Children
• An autographed picture of Jigglypuff in an oversized Baby Bjorn that says "Fuck Your Truth."
• a family of small yodelers from Alpaca, Sweden to apologize on my behalf when I get out of control.
• My soon-to-be wife
• The entire starting roster for the Miami Dolphins to keep girls out of my locker room.
• A blow up doll of your significant other.
• a second dick
• Randy Savage (preferably alive, but I can work with his corpse in a pinch).
• A new version of Smash Bros Ultimate where I can play as myself.
• another chance at my happy, carefree, childlike years.
• a 5-egg omelette made with 3 eggs.
• a large, high quality photograph of Justin Bieber without a shirt.
• someone who will do my taxes and not judge me for failing to do my taxes in previous years.
• the board game Risk. (I don't play it, but I think it'd be cool to have people think I do).
• a new, better girlfriend.
• A portal to my bedroom in my bedroom
• a live-in doctor to give me a vitamin B-12 shot directly into my spinal column when I start missing my kill confirms.
• a small, live dinosaur.
• Your mom
• a battleworn, cosmetically-damaged copy of Halo: CE for the original Xbox.
• The Nobel Prize (preferably in Physics, but I'll settle for Chemistry).
• A signed photo of Santa Claus, stating that he will personally deliver the new controller I ordered even though it's not Christmas.
• all of my tramp stamps that are currently visible on my back covered up, so I have to work harder to impress potential suitors.
• someone who could burn Lil Pump's debut record, "Lil Pump 'n Dump," onto a compact disc for me
• a box of kittens, just in case.
• Gandalf the Grey's cell phone number.
• a literal get-out-of-jail free card.
• A key to Tafo’s house.
• A ripped "blue dick" pic of Justin Bieber (somebody I know wants this).
• another 20 years of life on Earth, provided that I spend it graciously.
• an accountant that won't be intimidated by my 1040.
• a doctor capable of curing my case of postmature ejaculation.
• an accountant to help me "clean up" my dubious tax returns before my audit.
• a rectally inserted microphone for the fans who want to hear my insides during an intense match.
• a blog that catalogs the relative scarcity of good quality King K. Rool nudes.
• a new, tighter anus.
• a divorce lawyer to inform my soon-to-be ex that my unwillingness to split assets is perfectly within my rights as a tight-assed motherfucker.
• a second wife (if she's anything like the first, I'm going to need a tighter anus).
• the complete works of William Shakespeare (abridged, please - I hate Shakespeare), taught by actual experts in the field over the span of 6,000 hours
• Professor Oak's phone number.
• someone who can manually convert 1080p60fps video to 24FPS for me.
• A non-romantic relationship with Jesus Christ that doesn't involve awkward Sunday mornings.
• A lifeguard with a life-saving dick.
• an American flag with 51 stars so I can say, "hey, wait a minute."
• a second chance to apologize to Wizzrobe for the "Falcon Caress" incident that took place on October 2016.
• a slightly less embarrassing stage name for myself than "Crager Bronson"
• a small smile from a special someone who's really rooting for me.
• a "fuck your feelings" pin strategically placed above my asshole so people are confused about the implication.
• a sock that keeps my ethernet cord warm so I can be more productive during cold weather.
• all of Mango's old account names, so I can figure out who the fuck "FalcoFucker69" is.
• Google's top search result for "postmature ejaculation."
• Ice Climbers.
• the ability to taste words so i can figure out if my tweets are tasty.
• three pairs of Chuck Taylor high tops in men’s size 11 (worn by Chuck Taylor).
• a career that you can succeed in from debtor's jail.
• a 4d printer
• a literal red flag i can raise at tournaments when gamers are being abusive to their partners.
• A Super Smash Bros trading card game modeled after Magic the Gathering.
• someone who knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is so I can make her my wife.
• the ability to successfully judge a book by its cover.
• A new skin for Yoshi with knee-high socks and fishnet lingerie.