February Update ❤️ (Patreon)

Hey guys, long time no see! 👋 I'm returning after my month-long break, and have a few things to say~

First, I managed to sort out my technical problems (finally) 🙏 The issue I was having involved my hdmi cable and port being all wonky, so I had to buy a new cable (and laptop. rip) but it seems to have solved it! I did have my work cut out for me trying to set up my new laptop with all my highly-specific interface specifications 😅 I'm the type of person who hates change, so getting my (pirated) photoshop layout to look and feel exactly how I'm used to it was more of a challenge than I wanted ;_; But it's up and running and I totally didn't cheat on my month off to draw a bunch of indulgent oc art.......🤫 (I'll be posting those soon~)

The other thing I wanted to talk about is less pleasant and something I've been debating whether I should even bring up because the whole thing is very embarrassing and will make me feel like a loser :'D but oh well.

Ok. So. Last year was not a very successful year in terms of my 'art career' 🙃 I've mentioned previously that starting up this patreon page in 2024 was meant to be my main source of income, and in the beginning I was so floored by the overwhelming support. Really, I gained so many lovely new friends and supporters and felt really really confident about my art for that whole year. I was hoping I could ride that upward momentum for a while, but it didn't hold over as long as I hoped. Last year I lost over half my following within the first six months of the year. #yikes

Now, I'm someone who unfortunately has tied much of my self-esteem and sensitiveness to my artwork, and the reception I get online So yeah. This felt beyond devastating to me. It literally felt like overnight I'd lost half of my support, and half of my income 😓 Each time I posted, I would anticipate losing upwards of 30 followers, and to say that that feeling of dread and disappointment only grew is an understatement. I quickly became verrrry depressed---constantly wondering what I'd been doing wrong, second-guessing every art piece I made, feeling sick every time I posted, debating quitting all together, etc. It got to the point where I was having a mental breakdown every other day, waking up hopeless, crying all the time, feeling like an absolute failure 🥲👍 I had plans to write my original story last year, but I completely shut it down because I was afraid of the inevitability of that failing too. I literally couldn't even consider writing it for months, and I still can't get myself to think about it without that shackle of dread. All this combined with the despair and downfall of the art community in the wake of all this bullshit AI, and of course the state of the world being an absolute nightmare--yeah. things have been feeling remarkably grim at the moment.

Even now, I'm regretting having to say this because I know it makes me sound pathetic. And I'm sure I'll lose a ton of followers again, but that's just par for the course. I'm really trying not to be such a negative person, but I just wanted to share how I've been feeling these past few months because it's clear that something has to change. This was the main reason I took a break in the first place, as my husband advised I take a step back because he's been so concerned for me :'D I know a lot of other artists have been struggling as well, which might feel like consolation if it didn't just confirm that things have been far too bleak for everyone. And some might look at my numbers and claim I have nothing to cry about and they'd be correct! But I still believe that every artist should get to make a living off of their artwork, and I think I deserve to succeed too.

I think taking this break has helped put things into perspective for me. I obviously want to continue making art, because I do genuinely love it and I think sharing my creations with you all is still very rewarding (especially in this artificial hellscape 💀). What I've decided to do is cut back on the posting schedule and give myself some breathing room to draw what I want, and post when I want, and hopefully create an environment where I can feel proud of myself again 😅 (tall order, I know)

So, going forward, I've decided to not stick to my Sunday nsfw posts. I'm really sorry to have to do this. I will still be sharing some (tasteful ✨) nsfw pieces, but I don't want to be so strict with myself again. I'd love to just share the artwork I make as it comes, and hear all your lovely thoughts. So from here on out, I'll just be posting new stuff when I have it, no schedule, including all early access pieces with some commentary if y'all are interested. I'd love to say that I'll be able to start writing my original story, but I don't know how much I can motivate myself at the moment.....all I can say is...hopefully soon🤞

And finally, I just want to thank all of you for sticking with me! Truly! Sincerely! If I didn't have the thoughtful comments, the wonderful support, the key-smashes, the thirsty emojis, the outpouring of love--I probably would have quit and disappeared long ago. But I want to make it clear how much I appreciate you guys ❤️ Especially now when so many artists' futures are in jeopardy--you choosing to support art and creativity when the rest of the world wants to throw culture to the winds is so so so important, and means so much to me! I hope you can be a little understanding with me in this new year going forward. I may have less artwork to share, but I'm gonna try to improve myself, and would love to maintain this community for as long as you'll have me <333

ANyway! That was quite a little ramble and I'll be sure to feel mortified about it within a few seconds of posting lol :') I love you all and look forward to sharing some of those new pieces I drew instead of taking a break like I was supposed to, hehe :3 🩷