My muse (Patreon)

Alisses

I lie on the balcony in the sun, looking at the ocean and realizing how tired I am of the constant control I create for myself. I keep myself tense, thinking through all possible options - what if I get bitten by a snake, what if I can't extend my visa in Mexico, what if I get sick - what hospital number should I dial or what pills should I take... and so on. I don't know when it dawned on me. I have always been a timid, emotional person, but I always believed in only the good, that nothing bad could happen. Later, in moments of stress, I simply started thinking through options "what will I do if this happens" or "this " and that's what calmed me down - as if I knew in advance what my likely actions would be.

Now it has grown into some kind of mania. And this "knowledge" has stopped calming me down. On the contrary, I feel anxious that I haven't thought everything through, that something I can't even imagine could happen. My brain seems to be constantly busy generating probable situations that automatically keep me in tension. ... That is, before it worked as a calming factor for me in moments of stress, now it fuels my stress.

I remember how I used to be open to everything, I always felt God's blessing.... Yes, I had some ordinary fears - like ticks, dog bites, or confined spaces (well, I think these are banal, generally accepted fears), but I didn't live in these fears, they just appeared when it happened.

Now I seem to live in this mud, I'm picking through it, trying to sort it by viscosity, by color, but nothing works - I'm still up to my ears in it.

Yesterday, feeling this - I took off my ring that reads stress levels, heart rate, sleep and similar indicators of my body. Because I was too focused on it. I woke up and looked at what this application told me, I constantly went in and looked at my indicators - somewhere I was sad, somewhere I was happy.... but then I realized that it adds to my anxiety and control. I try to be in control of my whole body - instead of just relaxing and giving my body the freedom to be in the state it needs to be in right now and just hearing it.

I need to return to myself. To myself deeply - but not in my head but in my heart.