My muse (Patreon)

Nika

Continuing the theme of my thoughts from Paris…

My reflections about whether my desires truly belong to me triggered a whole new set of thoughts about my creativity - about what I do, how I do it, why I do it, and why I’m still not hanging in galleries all over the world.

I spent a lot of time reflecting on this, observing everything around me, trying to catch some kind of answer - and the universe, as always, placed it right under my nose, waiting for me to finally notice.

It happened during a simple conversation with a friend, when we suddenly touched on the topic of parents and childhood. I remembered my own childhood, my parents and all their “instructions” that still echo in my behavior. One of the simplest but most powerful was: “If you started - you must finish. Don’t quit halfway.”

With these words I studied visual arts in art school for all 11 years))) Meanwhile, with other extracurricular activities like dance or acting, I did manage to defend my own wishes and quit long before the middle.

And here I am now, with my photography - trying to understand whether this desire is truly mine, or something shaped by upbringing, or maybe just inertia. And I’m slowly beginning to understand why I hold onto it so tightly, why thoughts about photography constantly occupy my mind.

I have no doubt that I started taking photos out of my own curiosity and my own will. It lasted for many years, and it still does. But my inner voice keeps pulling me forward - toward my photobook, toward prints, toward galleries, toward some kind of “final point” that I’ve never clearly defined but always felt somewhere in the distance.

And what I realized next is that this pattern isn’t only about photography. In life in general I rarely bring things to a perfect finish. I live somewhere in the middle - at 70, 85, sometimes 95 percent - but almost never at the final point. Even competition doesn’t motivate me much. I’m a very competitive person, I hate losing, but I can easily stop pedaling halfway through the race. Even other people’s pressure or success doesn’t push me forward. I simply… stop.

Not because I don’t care, but because finishing has never mattered to me as much as the experience itself.

And here I am - little Julia - sabotaging my parents’ instructions and standing somewhere in the middle between shooting weddings, pregnant women, fashion and being in high art… As they say - neither here nor there.