Selfportraits (Patreon)

This shoot is almost six months old. And it was my very first studio shoot in Mexico City.

I had finally found a studio I could book for myself - one that felt bright enough, neutral enough, flexible enough. After mostly shooting in interiors or outdoors, having an actual studio space for my self-portraits felt like a big deal. I had studied the space beforehand, imagined the light, planned the outfit.

I really thought I would create something incredible there.

And then I arrived - and everything felt… wrong.

The outfit didn’t match the space. The light wasn’t what I had imagined. The ceilings were lower than I expected, so the light hit my legs beautifully and left my face. My body felt different that day. Slightly swollen, slightly heavy. My mood was off. I felt rushed for no reason.

I kept changing everything.

Jeans on....jeans off. Top on....top off. Fully naked.....fully dressed. Standing.....sitting.....lying down.

Nothing landed. For two hours I was chasing an image that only existed in my head.

At some point I gave up on digital and switched to film. Film always feels kinder to me. You don’t see the result immediately, so you stop judging every frame. You just move. You trust. You let it happen. It flowed easier - but by then I was already disappointed, so I left the studio frustrated.

Later, when I finally looked at the images, I realized it wasn’t a disaster. The shoot feels uneven, a bit scattered, like it doesn’t belong to one clear idea. There are maybe two or three frames that truly match what I had imagined. The rest is just me trying to find something and not quite getting there.

I definitely won’t be going back to that studio. I’ll find another one. With higher ceilings. And maybe a better version of me that day.

For now - this is what happened. Not the masterpiece I had planned. But a very accurate document of a day when expectations and reality had a small argument.