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Garry Efimov

As many of you know, I’ve been in therapy for almost three years now. For about half of that time, we’ve only met once a month. I don’t really feel like I need therapy the way I did at the beginning anymore, but every session still leaves me with something to think about.

This month’s topic was… pity. Is pity a good thing? Or is it a bad thing? What kind of energy does it carry? What purpose does it actually serve in the way we relate to each other?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always said the same thing: “I don’t want people to pity me.” Because of that, I often wouldn’t even allow myself to cry when I wanted to. Somehow, in my mind, being pitied meant being weak. Needy. Or somehow… beneath someone else.

At the same time, I’ve cried because I felt sorry for a stray dog. Or a cat. Or a child who had no parents. I’ve been the shoulder my friends cried on after losing someone they loved. I’ve felt pity for people close to me. And in those moments, there was nothing negative about it.

So why does it feel so natural to give that feeling…but almost impossible to receive it?

I asked Gary what he thought about pity. Without us discussing it beforehand, he gave almost exactly the same answer I would have. That when you pity someone, it can feel like you’re placing yourself above the person you’re pitying.

But that’s where I noticed something that feels almost paradoxical. When I’m the one feeling pity… I’m not doing it because I feel superior. I’m not looking down on someone. I’m doing it because I want to support them. Because I want to help. Because I don’t want them to go through something difficult alone.

So why do I automatically assume that if someone pities me, they’re doing it from a place of superiority?

I’m still going to dig into that one.

But I also realized something that made me surprisingly happy - I can’t find the logic behind that belief anymore. And once I couldn’t find the logic… The pattern broke. And I love that. Maybe it’s finally time for me not only to allow myself to pity other people…but also to allow myself to receive it. And maybe even to feel a little pity for myself from time to time.