Shooting with (Patreon)

Garry Efimov

As always, his photographs of me feel completely different from anything I’ve ever shot with other photographers.

I think the best way I can explain it is that he photographs me as a human being, not as a beautiful woman.

In these photographs I’m allowed to be beautiful, but I’m also allowed to be strange, awkward, unflattering, distorted, confusing, or sometimes not beautiful at all. And somehow none of that makes the photographs feel less beautiful to me.

Quite the opposite. There’s so much life in them. So much raw, unfiltered me. Not me trying to look good, not me being a model, not even necessarily the version of myself I’m used to seeing in photographs.

Just me as a person.

And my thoughts besides of shoot-thoughts.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been writing here a little less often. And every now and then, you tell me that you miss my posts - especially my thoughts and all the things I tend to overthink and then bring here.)))

And honestly, lately I’ve been sitting here with a completely empty little head.

I don’t know if I’ve finally worked through all my traumas .....a very confident statement after three years of therapy 😅))), or if my life has simply become so peaceful that I have nothing left to dramatically think about.

Before, something was always happening. Moving, different countries, documents, relationships, internal changes, decisions, fears, new people, new circumstances. There was always something that made me think, analyze, ask myself questions - and then come here and tell you what I had eventually figured out.

And now everything is just kind of… good.)))

Life has become much calmer. I live, I take photographs, I’m making my new home feel like mine, getting used to this new life, spending time with people I love. And maybe that’s exactly why I have that “Oh! I want to talk about this on Patreon” feeling much less often these days.

But there’s another problem.

Sometimes a thought does appear. I’m almost ready to write about it - and then suddenly I think....Wait… haven’t I already talked about this?)))

And then I get this feeling that I’m slightly stuck in the swamp of my own thoughts, going around in circles. Thinking about the same things again, returning to the same subjects - and wondering what the point is in telling you all of it again.

Although, when I actually think about it, maybe it isn’t really going in circles.

Sometimes an old thought simply unfolds a little deeper. Sometimes I’m looking at the same subject from a different place, under different circumstances, after having lived through something new. The subject might be the same, but I’m already a slightly different person inside it.

Still, in the moment, my brain often goes: “Julia, they’ve already heard this. Please come up with a new thought.”)))

Maybe that’s also my mistake. Maybe you don’t mind me coming back to old subjects when I have something new to say about them. You can tell me that too.

Either way, I’m not going to stop writing. Anything that bothers me, surprises me, confuses me, makes me curious, or sends me into another unnecessary three-hour internal investigation will still eventually end up here.)))

But I thought - why not let you influence the direction of my thoughts a little too?

If there’s something you’ve wanted to ask me for a long time, ask me here.

About my life, photography, relationships, emigration, creativity, my opinion on something. Maybe some decision I’ve made that you found interesting or didn’t understand. Or something I’ve simply never talked about here before.

Maybe your question will send me into some corner of my head that I’ve never thought to explore myself.)))

Or maybe you don’t even need big philosophical thoughts from me. Maybe you’d actually enjoy reading about how my day went sometimes, what I’m doing right now, what I’m photographing, what’s making me happy, what’s annoying me, or whatever other completely ordinary things are happening in my life.

I’m actually curious to know that too.

So you can use the comments under this post as a little box for questions, subjects, and ideas for my future posts.

And if you don’t have any questions - that’s perfectly fine too.

I’ll just continue waiting patiently until something starts growing in my little head again.)))