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Cinematic.fm2

By the way, about my doubts before getting married - thank you, Toni. You pointed out something very clearly that, for some reason, I hadn’t noticed myself.

I wasn’t doubting myself. I was doubting his feelings for me. And this is probably one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me.)))

I’ve never in my life been so focused on another person’s feelings. Especially in relationships. My doubts have always been about me.))) Do I actually love this person? How do I feel around them? Do I still want to be here? Am I happy? Is this still what I want? The focus has always been on me.

Some people around me have even told me that I’m too self-centered. Or, in less sophisticated terms - SELFISH.))) I never really thought so. Although maybe only now I can admit that they were actually right. But right in comparison to themselves - people who sometimes took on other people’s feelings and emotions so much that next to them, I really did look like a professional egoist 🤣.

So my self-centeredness never really bothered me. Quite the opposite - it helped me stay in touch with reality and not lose myself in what someone else might be feeling, thinking, or doing. I even notice this in conversations with my girlfriends. When one of them tells me about a new guy - the first date, the second, the tenth - there’s often so much of "him" in the story. What he did. What he said. How he behaved. What he looked like. Whether he texted or didn’t text. What he might have meant by something. And that’s completely natural - we’re trying to understand a person we like.

But in those moments, I almost always want to ask: “But how did YOU feel around him?”

Not what he did. Not whether he liked you. Not what that message three hours after the date was supposed to mean.))) How did you feel? Were you comfortable? Interested? Calm? Did you want to be closer to him? Did you actually want to see him again? Because I think that while trying to understand another person, it’s very easy to temporarily forget to check in with yourself.

And then, right before getting married, I suddenly got my first proper experience of being overly focused on another person.)))

Not: “Do I want to marry Gary?”

But:

Does he really love me? What if one day he stops? What if he eventually regrets choosing me? What if I’m not good enough for him?

And let me tell you - I don’t want to repeat that experience.))) Didn’t like it. 0/10. Would not recommend. It was destroying me from the inside and, interestingly enough, slowly starting to damage my relationship with the very person whose feelings I was so busy worrying about. Especially until I finally talked to Gary about all this paranoia of mine. 😅

So I think I’m officially reclaiming my title as a self-centered person.)))

I liked it there. It was peaceful there. And as it turns out, sometimes focusing on yourself doesn’t mean you don’t care about another person’s feelings. It simply means that their feelings are their territory. Mine is what I feel.