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~TW mental health and narcissistic parents chat

hey lovelies, you know what they say. When it rains, it pours. And it seems like this is one of those times in my life.

After I had filmed the SVT video yesterday, I got a call from my mum that my dad is in hospital. I am not too sure on all the details but I am feeling a lot of different emotions at the moment.

As you might know, if you have been with us for a while, I don't have the best parental relationship. With my dad more than anyone. I don't think I have talked too in depth about it, but to put it succinctly, if he were to ever grace a psychologist's office, he would be diagnosed as a clinical narcissist.

Which is one of the biggest parts of why I am being treated for anxiety, depression and PTSD. He is on the older side of being a parent to someone my age. To put in perspective, Simon's grandma is the same age as my dad.

Anyway, I am having to travel up to my hometown again to help out while they are navigating his health and because they still run their own business. I wanted to let you lovelies know, I sat down to try film again today and I am having a hard time to feel like I can laugh or smile or be on camera when I don't even know what I feel. I even broke out in hives on my neck from the stress of still grappling with 'trying to be a good daughter' and my true feelings of not wanting going back up home because it causes me so much mental stress and anguish.

I wanted to share this because there might be other people going through something similar and I want to normalise the confusion and conflict of opposing emotions that you can go through with event like this when you have parents like I do.

You feel all of these emotions at once, pain, fear, sadness, rage, defiance, and much more. It makes you want to scream because it feels so pent up in your chest and in your head. I will probably talk more specifics one day. But at the moment I feel like I am coming from a place of just venting my trauma instead of being able to articulate in a more beneficial way that could help someone going through or might go through something similar. I'll vent to my psychologist first...

All of this to say, that I am still trying to get videos up this week and film, I still have a lot of videos to do. I will also bring my laptop etc with me so I can film and edit while I am up there because I feel like it would be a good escape. But I just didn't want to potentially have an emotional crashout and leave you lovelies hanging with no word or explanation as to why. Especially because I feel like this year has been a very mentally difficult one for me and my content has suffered along with it, especially YT which I filmed a video as to why I haven't posted but it seems like YT content is going even further on the backburner T_T

I hope all of you are having a much better week than I am or at least less emotionally hectic time. And if you are also going through something, I really hope you're ok and that you get through whatever it is that is burdening you. It's so much harder when you can't talk to anyone or feel so suffocated by your thoughts and feelings. So please know my DM's are always open if you'd like to just vent it all out. I might not be able to get to the messages or be able to help with what you're going through just know you have a safe space here. Even just writing it all out for yourself in your notes app or diary does actually help to offload what you're carrying.

It's a tough time at the moment but you got this, I got this and we can battle through this together.

xx T