When will this b**ch have a good day... (Patreon)

Well, I recently had a nervous breakdown (or maybe a panic attack) at the hospital because I accidentally missed my appointment with the endocrinologist I’d been waiting a week to see. Sounds like a small thing, right? But it was a cry from the soul, from everything that’s built up over the past two months.

Achievements. I feel awful. I’ll be turning 30 in six months, and I’m surrounded by IT people who travel, get residence permits and visas to other countries, live full lives. Some are buying property, some have savings, and some are lucky enough to be married to IT guys.And me? At 30, I’m officially a nobody. I have nothing. I can’t afford any of those things.I’ve always been poor, always sad that my life is dull and probably always will be. But last year, things started to get better, and I started to believe that maybe everything could change — that maybe my dreams could come true.And... I decided to date an unemployed drug addict. Hahahahaha.Fuck, I’d honestly rather go through another narcissistic abuser — at least that’s a vivid memory. But a guy who just sits on your back and drains you like a leech? That’s something else.

After the breakup, it was like something in me broke. I don’t trust people like I used to. I’ve become cold and closed-off.I’m trying to fix my life, but I want to give up. I can’t do it anymore… Every time life gave me a chance to improve things, I got into a relationship. I wasted my best years

Work. I’ll be honest — I’m burned out. I’m tired of drawing porn. It kills everything creative in me. I’m not like other furry artists — first and foremost, I’m an academic artist. I love and want to draw all sorts of things. I want to draw emotions, feelings, beauty, atmosphere, and storytelling.

Last year, I really believed I’d finally be able to cut down on commissions and draw more for myself (by growing passive income through Patreon).As my patrons, you can help me reduce burnout by giving me creative freedom when it comes to drawing rewards. Right now, my income has dropped by more than three times because I stopped taking on new commissions and started focusing more on personal art.

I hope you understand.Even though I’m drowning in debt and feel ashamed.

Emigration.I live in Georgia because it’s one of the few places where tourists can easily legalize their stay. The taxes are low, and I was able to open a PayPal account. But recently, new legislation was passed — it’ll take effect in March next year.Now I’ll need to apply for a residence permit and a work authorization, and to do that, I have to prove an income of $21,000 over 12 months.

After the breakup, I thought: “Okay, I’ll push through, get my residence permit, and finally ease my anxiety.”But I lost three months — first I was sick with tonsillitis, then I had thyroid issues. And every single day I lived with this horrible fear: “With each passing day, I’m losing my chance.”

I’ve spent three years just surviving, standing in place.And I’m so tired.I want to let go… I just can’t keep doing this anymore.Health.As I mentioned earlier, I saw an endocrinologist — I’m feeling a bit better now, but I lost two whole months to illness.Two months without work, without rest, without a break. I felt terrible 24/7.

Even when I was just lying down and watching TV shows, I’d suddenly get heart palpitations for no reason. It was hard to breathe — and just... awful.All because of one hormone.And that’s it — you turn into a helpless vegetable.

Now combine this with everything I’ve already written above, and you’ll understand why I completely broke down and cried like a fucking wreck in the hospital.I scared the entire staff on the first floor.

The bottom line is:I'm broken.I’ve lost faith in myself.I’ve lost my strength.I’m depressed and anxious.Mentally, it’s incredibly hard right now.