Food. (Patreon)

I'm underweight. Most days I'll eat two 'meals'. I go to bed hungry. I walk and skate until I ache. I don't want to eat until I feel like I deserve it. I feel so guilty about consuming food I bypass the guilt by just not eating at all. I'm exhausted, and iron deficient. If I eat anything I consider to be 'bad food' the guilt and the shame is enough to overwhelm me.

I'm happy with my current weight, but I cannot loose any more. Is this an eating disorder? To believe being as small as possible will make me feel happy. I look at myself in the mirror and see bones where I couldn't see them before. I like being slight, slender. I look at myself in the mirror and see my stomach, my breasts, my bum. They look large and I feel so negatively towards them. 

I've always had trouble with my body image. I feel physical dysphoria. What I see in the reflection doesn't look like me. 

I've always been self destructive. More-so lately. I have a partner now and I want to be the best I can be for him. That means eating enough, I'm aware now that I am not. My friends and family have been worried that I'm not. Now I have doctors confirming it. I'm so afraid of gaining weight.

Sarah says I shouldn't think of it as gaining fat, rather as gaining muscle. 

How did this develop? What planted the seed that causes these destructive thought patterns? I've got therapy today, we will try to work this out.