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Demon lord 2 sketch p5-9 (Patreon)

Published:
2020-11-04 19:22:52
Edited:
2023-09-12 11:06:49
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

Content

Sorry for late update. I kinda in the creative block period. and also forgot to save Aria ver 3 design so I'll have to draw it again sorry about that. Lack of sleep didn't help too lol.

Page 5 dialouge has been edited. If you feel like it doesn't make sense please our you found an error. Feel free tell me in the comment.

Files

Comments

Arthur Yeung

@ibenz009 Can I submit my proposal for Aria's design to you within this week?

StarGazer

Wow, love the idea behind Aria's transformation. It already looks fantastic.

MagicCobra911

The dialogue of page 5 is a bit better although there are still multiple rough edges that probably should be ironed out.

Roxanne13579

This is shaping up to be really nice <3

MagicCobra911

Aria’s struggle to maintain physical form as well as sense of self and having the demon seed inserted in her chest like she were made of jelly is certainly interesting.

Sandro Giovagnoli

How the transformation is being done is really good

MagicCobra911

I saved Aria’s ver 3 design in my files, would you like me to send it to you? Ooh wait you still have Aria’s V3 concept image on here, what do you mean you didn’t save it?

Arthur Yeung

@Arboc B. Cigam He probably meant the next iteration of rough concepts for Aria's design.

MagicCobra911

Yeah I was thinking that too just wasn’t completely sure.

Murphy_Byzantine

Yeah, I can clearly see the grammatical struggle

Roxanne13579

Let's see if I can do my edits page 1: 1 - Hero... no... the new Demon Lord. 2 - Are you the hero? Or just the demon lord using his body... 3 - Hmm, does it really matter who I used to be? I'm now the ruler of all demons. I'm a manifestation of the demonic will to have a leader. 4 - If you really must know, what was left of his body and soul has been fused to the untold amount of generations of demon lords, all to create the "me" you see before you. I still remember that some part of me used to be your precious hero. I remember his adventures with you. Even then, I'm not sure how much of his personality still remains. Heh heh heh. Maybe I'm just his a manifestation of his darkest desires. Who knows? 5 - Maybe the fact that I am still taking the time to talk to you like this is a proof that I am still your hero? Ah, but enough about me. After all, today, you are the star of the show.

Roxanne13579

page 2: 1 - By my authority as ruler of all demons, hear me! Child of the abyss, shadow born of this soul, answer my call! Let your form materialize in this realm! 2 - The tome turned into black liquid!? No, is that a shadow she materialized? Hero, what are you planning? Huh? 3 - That black thin goo... it's moving into my...? 4 - No Is that... 5 - My shadow!?

Roxanne13579

Page 3: 1 - !? My shadow... there's multiple of them! I've never seen this type of magic before! 2 - What is this!? What did you do!? I gave your shadow the ability to take on a more physical form. 3 - Oh, and I may have also corrupted them a little bi. What!? Gah, stay back!! Don't worry. It's their instict to remain as close to their physical counterpart as possible. They only want to merge with you. 4 - !? What is this feeling? When they touch me... I feel like my entire being is getting invaded. As if my very nature is being twisted by them...

Roxanne13579

page 4: 1 - Ha... ahh... What's happening to me? My body... it feels like any second now... It feels like my body will just slowly be lost... 2 - Ah... so hard... to concentrate... so tired... 3 - Why is it so difficult to maintain my shape... must concentrate... I can't let go... 4 - Her body has started becoming a spirit. Gilda, activate the magic circle. Anchor her soul here. Do not let Aria disappear. Alrighty!

Roxanne13579

page 5: 1 - The human conscious can't comprehend that kind of intangible spirit-like body. Soon, you will be unable to maintain your physical shape and eventually, you will even lose your sense of self. 2 - On the oher hand... 3 - Demons are more flexible with their forms. After all, we are more magic than flesh and bones. 4 - Humans are so weak. Look at you, barely able to even keep your body and consciousness intact, let alone keep it solid. No... that... thing... that's what you put into Gilbert... 5 - Look, I can just slip my demon seed right into you. Just like this. No! Ahh....

A. H. W.

Your Page 1-3 line might work better as "Hmm, does it really matter who I used to be? I'm now the ruler of all demons. I'm a manifestation of the demonic will to have a leader."

Roxanne13579

Ah, oops, seems I typo'ed a 'doesn't' there instead of 'does it'. Thanks xD

RedeemerofDark

I still feel like like many others have mentioned I want this to be willing on at least SOME level. Maybe despite inserting the seed she holds off on actually changing her any further, or trying to convince her to join her side and enjoy her new body and remain the party they've grown so close as for as long as they did~ Another method might be as a powerful mage her resistance is to strong and she has to be convinced to give in or else she'll never change all the way? That could also be interesting, I just feel like regardless of how "far gone" or "distant" the hero has become it'd be a genuine waste of a perfectly good Chekovs gun for their connection to just be ignored, after all the connection with Gil wasn't forgotten and pushed Hero over the edge of becoming the new demon lord. In a way it'd be a beautiful thematic finish for the one who didn't agree with what they did and felt bad for Hero, to be not be willing to forsake everything they've been through. Mayhaps she doesn't need convincing? Simply believing the Demon Lord is trying to put on a face and Hero is still not only their but maybe even currently in control, just waiting to hear they aren't gonna be alone in the new world they seek to create...that demon lords can still have meaningful connections! And ones that are beneficial as well as being both LOYAL and FUN~

Nightmare49

great job making the comments on fixing the dialogue. i was going to make mine but you did it for me

Benjamin Lawton

Given how… carefree and child-like that Gilda's been acting so far in this comic, perhaps "Okey-dokey" might be a better verbal response (in the last panel of page 8), rather than "Alrighty"?

Asani

Shadow magic is always super freaky because of how unnatural something you never really take notice of suddenly is. That creeping sense of things being off makes for some of the best horror. It would be cool to have a strong sense of directional lighting in this scene. Aria could be backlit with a bunch of candles so she already has a well-defined shadow in front of her that the tome liquid merges with. Or there could be clusters of candles which create the multiple distinct shadows that rise up and attack her. On the topic of edits, multiple people doing their own proofreads in separate comment threads must get confusing. Would putting the script in a Google Doc be an option? That way edits can be inline, and there are features like permissions and change tracking. Dunno if that's the best solution, but seems worth a try.

Asani

I read it before as a bit of Hero breaking through, but you leaned into Demon Lord leaving it ambiguous and almost gloating here. Either works, I'm not super invested in what tone the story takes. 5.3.1 Hmm, does it really matter (who or what I used to be)? {keep this statement in a separate dialog bubble; makes more of an impact on its own and the next two sentences fit together.} 5.3.2 I am the ruler of all demonkind. Their collective will demands I exist, [and so I do / and so here I am]. 5.4.1 If you really must know, his body and soul were fused with untold generations of Demon Lords past. Therefore he persists in the "me" you see before you. 5.4.2 Who can say what [pieces / parts] remain though. I still remember some of the adventures you had together, yet all I feel are his darkest desires, and the need for revenge heh heh {More could be added, but this page is already kinda text heavy and I'm not sure what else needs to be said.} 5.5.1 But enough about me {Delete the first sentence, which was added. IMHO the dialogue and layout flow better how you had them originally.} 5.5.2 Today you are the star of the show. {Delete "After all," it works better on page 9 I think.}

Asani

6.1 Hear me, Child(ren) of the Abyss, shadow(s) born of this mortal's soul. By my authority as the lord of all demons, I bid you answer my call and materialize in this realm. {I swapped around the parts of this invocation to make its structure more familiar to my ears.} {Use the plural forms of "children" and "shadows" if in fact multiple demonic entities are being summoned like page 7 would suggest.} 6.2.1 What? The tome turned into (some kind of) black liquid (and melted onto the floor). Is that the thing she summoned? {This transition is a little confusing right now. From what I can tell, in the third panel the remains of the tome are merging with Aria's shadow as it rises up. Would love to see it melting out of Demon Lord's hand though. Maybe the tome in the first panel could be drawn in a way to show that process starting?} 6.3 Now that black goo is moving toward me...

Asani

7.1.1 There's more of them?! {Don't immediately repeat "My shadow," which are the last words on the previous page.} 7.1.2 I've never seen this type of magic before! 7.2.2 I called forth your shadow(s) (from the [spirit realm / abyss / beyond]) and allowed [it / them] to take physical form. 7.3.1 Oh, and I may have added a little of my own corruption in the process. 7.3.3 I'm afraid that's not possible(, my dear Aria). By instinct, they remain as close to whomever cast them as possible. Their only desire now is to merge with you. 7.4.1 (feeling => sensation) {only for word variety; "feel" is used again in the next sentence} 7.4.2 When they touch me it feels like they are invading my entire being... 7.4.3 Like they are twisting (and corrupting) my very essence. {original was in passive voice}

Asani

8.1.2 What is happening to me? Feels like any second now my body... 8.1.3 Like it will just drift away (and be [lost / gone] forever). 8.2 so tired... => ...so tired... {add a forward ellipsis} 8.4.1 The shadows are dragging her back into the spirit realm. (Quick,) Gilda, activate the magic circle. Anchor her soul here. Do not let Aria disappear. {I tweaked what Roxanne suggested.} {Love the "it's business time" face on Demon Lord in this panel!}

Asani

9.1.1 The human mind cannot grasp hold of a shifting, [ethereal / spectral / incorporeal] body like you have now. 9.1.2 Soon you will completely lose track of your physical shape, and with it your sense of self. 9.2 On the other hand... {add an ellipsis} 9.3 Demons have no such limitations concerning their form. After all, we are more magic than flesh. 9.4.1 Humans are so weak. I can tell you're barely holding your consciousness together, let alone managing to keep your body solid. {Got rid of "look at you" to avoid using "look" twice in two panels, not because it was incorrect.} 9.4.2 No... That thing... That's what you put in Gilbert! 9.5.1 Look, I can slip my demon seed right inside you. Like this! {I'm trying to use "just" less in my writing. It's often superfluous or there is a better option.}

Asani

Ah, there it is! The phrase I was grasping for but couldn't find.

ibenz009

Writing foreign language while half-asleep is never a good idea.

DuckHunter

I do hope she keeps her sanity. Roughly.

John Hynden

I hope Aria can stay good. is useless if she becomes another evil

Mokinokaro

Yeah this is something I want from this too. It's boring if Aria just becomes a repeat of Gilda with different powers.