News! (HR) (Patreon)

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For the curious, this is the text on the paper that I typed out, even if  some of it is hidden by the folded paper and others obscured by the  depth of field "An anaconda had broken out of the zoo on Wednesday, sometime around noon. The snake’sescape was first discovered after it ambushed and swallowed a groundskeeper, who informedauthorities of the attack from inside its stomach. The anaconda was nowhere to be found when security arrived on the scene, and it is believed tohave since escaped the zoo grounds after eatingthe groundskeeper. Their saliva-soaked cellular phone was discovered several days later with no trace of the anaconda itself or of the phone’s (former) owner, who’s believed to have sincebeen digested by the snake. The anaconda is a large and powerful snake, and has little trouble in eating human-sized preywhole, and can eat even larger prey with its gaping jaws, stretching them open wide and quiteliterally ‘walking’ them up and over its prey. Aftereating, the anaconda generally slithers off to a quiet and secluded location to rest and digest, typically dissolving its meal between a few days toa few weeks, depending on its size. Since the escape the snake has yet to be caught,but a number of sightings have been reported, and several disappearances have been attributedto the anaconda. One individual claimed to have spotted the snake in their neighbor’s yard, slithering into an open window. “I ran over to their window and peered inside, the snake was in the living room swallowing my neighbor! By the time I ran home and called the police, the bigreptile was emerging from the open window, withtwo large twitching lumps in its belly.” The anaconda was confirmed to have been in theneighborhood later that day with searches beingundertaken to locate the snake’s whereabouts, which are currently unknown. Residents areadvised to keep their windows closed wheneverpossible."