Witch's Tag Sale - Home Owner's Association (Patreon)

Witch’s Tag Sale – Home Owner’s Association

Pretty Man emerges from the woods with an aura of sparkling regality. His eyes focus on a woman dressed in a black corset and wide brimmed witch hat lying on a metal lawn chair trying to catch some rays. The Pretty Man stands directly in her light, forcing the woman to look up at him.

Witch: “Hello?”

Pretty Man: “Good morning to you, ma’am. I am one of your neighbors from a nearby cottage.”

Witch: “You don’t say…”

Pretty Man: “I represent the homeowner’s association for our neck of the woods, and I was hoping you could do something for me.”

Witch: “Oh, this should be good…”

Pretty Man: “Oh, where are my manners? I am called Ron. May I have your name please?”

Witch: “… Are we really doing this? On a Saturday?”

Ron: “Whatever do you mean?”

Witch: “First off: No, you may NOT have my name. Secondly: Ron wouldn’t be short for anything, would it?”

Ron: “I don’t know what you mean…”

Witch: “Oberon.”

Ron’s pretty man façade fades as he reveals himself as Oberon, the King of Fairies, in all his majesty.

Oberon: “HOW DID YOU SEE THROUGH MY FAÇADE!!!?”

Witch: “Look, bucko. Pretty men don’t just wander through the forest telling me they represent the homeowner’s association… In fact, I moved to the forest to avoid homeowner’s associations, so double meh on you.”

Oberon: “I see I am dealing with a cunning mind…”

Witch: “I may have flunked out of college, but I’ve been around the block a time or two.”

Oberon: “So I see. But back to the matter at hand, I wanted to ask you about that bread you happen to be baking.”

Witch: “Oh? Smells nice, doesn’t it? It’s a family recipe.”

Oberon: “Yes, about that… The denizens of the forest would like for you to stop baking it. It’s ruining the ambiance of the setting and some of the folks have a gluten allergy so if you could not bake, that would be great.”

Witch: “I’m sure you would love that.”

Oberon: “I very much would.”

Witch: “Funny how you never came over about my baking until I had my sister’s kids over for a weekend visit.”

Oberon: “I… That’s just a coincidence.”

Witch: “Or that bread is a bit of a repellant for the fairfolk…”

Oberon: “How did you… I mean, that’s true…”

Witch: “Or that a bunch of people have gone missing in these woods for decades without a trace.”

Oberon: “Well I…”

Witch: “So I’m going to tell you no, and that if you insist on staying on my property in spitting distance of my niece and nephew, I’m going to beat you to death with this lawn chair that I inherited from my Uncle Gwayne… This lawn chair that is largely made of cold iron.”

Oberon: “I uh… Um… I think I should be going?”

Witch: “Smart choice.”

Oberon leaves hurriedly. After some time has passed, a Black Cat hops out of the window and leaps onto a table next to the Witch.

Black Cat: “I couldn’t wait for that guy to leave. Fairfolk are always trouble.”

Witch: “Don’t I know it. Been keeping an eye on the kids?”

Black Cat: “They’re doing some light reading until you get back inside.”

Witch: “Then I guess I better head back in.”

Black Cat: “Think that Oberon guy will continue to be a problem?”

Witch: “That wasn’t Oberon.”

Black Cat: “But you called him…”

Witch: “That was some Fairfolk pretending to be Oberon. The younger ones tend to do this when they think they can get away with it. I merely played along with their delusion.”

Black Cat: “Is that so…”

Witch: “As for being a problem, I don’t think he’ll be much of one after I slipped a potion into his pocket.”

Black Cat: “What kind of potion did you slip him…”

A loud explosion can be heard from within the wooded forest.

Oberon: “SWEET SUMMER COURT!!! IT’S EVERYWHERE!!!”

Witch: “Glitter Bomb…”

Oberon: “THE SPARKLES… THEY BURN!!!”

Black Cat: “You’re certifiable.”

The Witch merely smiles back at the Black Cat before getting up and sauntering back into the cottage.