Post-recording blues (Nov 8, 2022) (Patreon)

I realized that I haven't been honest with myself the past few months. But that's okay. Sometimes, we need to lie to ourselves to stay sane. I guess what's important is to offset that dishonesty with honesty, when able. Now I am able.

My life — like most other lives — is a series of ups and downs.

As I prepared to write about my life, I kind of held back just now. I used to write these kinds of blogs thinking no one would read them. Now I realize people actually do read them and get to communicate with me about these thoughts. I am not anonymous anymore.

This doesn't change the fact that I am grateful that people listen to me and support me. Of course I'm grateful. But let me be honest today: being seen by people changed me.

Being seen is making me conscious of the way I look, the way I think, the way I act, and even the way I write. Writing for me was an escape, some private way to express myself so that I could vent. But now, writing feels like another way to please people.

And yet I want to please people. I want to be seen. I prefer this over not being seen. I prefer this over loneliness.

I'm learning to manage, though. I don't even know what I'm writing anymore. I just know that being seen has changed me and pushes me to be dishonest with myself. Though it doesn't have to.

Releasing Until I Reach the Sun reminds me of my loneliness. Yesterday, after recording Constantly, the band talked about how they prefer my other tracks over Constantly. Their preferences are valid; my hurt is valid. These are the guys who told me that they would help me tell my songs and my stories, but I'm realizing that they will never 100% "hear me, see me, feel me."

And that's okay. It really is. No one but God will understand me that way. When my heart realizes how profound that truly is, then I can shrug and move on. My bandmates are still my closest friends. I can be 60% of myself when I'm with them. Sofia would be the next, going up to maybe 70%.

Even someone who reads this post will only see a snippet of what's really going on inside me. For the next project, I'm confident that I should separate the happy love songs and give them to The Ridleys, and leave the songs about God and grief for my solo project.

People want to hear the love songs. That's natural. People only want to see the side of me that they can relate to. Why would I expect them to want to see the personal sides as well? That is an unrealistic expectation.

I hope I don't resent the love songs just because that's what people expect of me. Maybe the cure to this is to be a recluse songwriter, who doesn't listen to other people, and rarely shows himself in public.

But again, I'm too much of a people pleaser to be that. I am a happy person who loves love. People expecting that from me should not change that. I just really need to compartmentalize my grief and loneliness, so that I can show my happy, in-love-with-life side.

Because I genuinely am happy. I love love. I just hate being put inside a box, like I can't be someone else except the "boy who wrote Aphrodite" or "the guy who sang Be With You with Any Name's Okay."

Until I Reach the Sun is my way to defy this expectation and break out of that box, which people and surprisingly my band has put me in. I will not be resentful about it, but I will be firm. These are my songs. This is my journey. My bandmates may not fully understand it. My listeners may not fully understand it. But against all expectations on me, I will tell my story — the story of how God saved me from loneliness and literally saved my life in my darkest period.

If you, dear reader, resonate with this story, there's no need to send me a private message to console me. There's no need to come up to me and give me advice on how to deal with it.

But this is what you can do: listen. Really listen. And if you want to share your story to me, feel free to do so, so I can listen to.

I love The Ridleys. I love my Patreon community. I love my listeners, even the ones who are so fixated on love. Sharing all this has made my heart lighter, and I'm ready to love again.

Until I Reach the Sun - Vol. 2 will be out very soon, and I am more than excited for it.