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Book 2 Revisions (Patreon)

Published:
2024-12-17 19:47:21
Imported:
2026-06

Content

Hey guys. I'm going to be working on revisions for Book 2 going forward, specifically the chapters featuring the raid. It's become pretty clear that the raid was a very weak point of the series and turned a lot of people off with all the wild POV swaps and totally avoiding Sonya's story. I'm going back and tackling that. Y'all might have noticed that Book 3 is significantly stronger and more consistent in POVs (especially with the recent Ishtar arc) but there are some wonky points here and there that I'm going to tackle too.

I hear you guys, I'm with you, and I want to make this story the best it can be for y'all. I'm always looking for suggestions and inspiration from you guys so if there are portions that you feel could really use some work, let me know!

With love,

Broker aka DerelictPresence

Comments

Klakkers

Will the revisions get posted here, or will they be added directly to royal road for example?

Noah Swan

I understood what you were trying to do, and you did do several important things, but it didn't feel good. I almost felt like there was too much lilliane and co development but at the same time they needed it? And I'm not convinced that anything Marta or the dyonisis knock off did actually mattered and couldn't have been totally off screened like you did with liberty's fight which was a lot high stakes and more interesting. We all knew Marta was never going to be in trouble and party man was going to wreck shit after his build up. There was no suspense. The second little league fight and all the monster fights leading up to it might have been fun from bandits perspective. Else it felt like more of the same nearly but with them being better. I auck with names but uh... hammer girl that's secretly with ishtar felt weak and irrelevant the whole time. Her showing was so piss poor that I cannot fathom a way for her to defeat liberty. I'm honestly not sure if she is holding back this whole time or not. Would be entertaining if she went for lethal on one of liberty's puffed up mooks and nearly got it or was stopped or something for the drama and to show she's actually capable... and for variety. Not sure much more Sonya than we got would be good. Anyways. You tried something ambitious and the idea was good but the execution just didn't quite work. And I'm not telling you how to do things. I'm just throwing ideas and feelings at you. There's many ways to write this bit.

Noah Swan
>>158596685

Yeah, now that I'm thinking about it the little league + bandit actually killing one of liberty's mooks would have been nice? Honestly they're all annoying because of what they are (puffed up idiot cultists) and all that juicy drama and angst from the little league could be interesting for latter such as when Sonya is back up in book 3. And it'd let hammer girl get her first swing in against liberty and show she isn't useless with a weird mother complex. Edit: also not like any if them are super important. Except the one that locks down fast travel. Else they're all barely developed 2d cultists that are annoying. Edit edit: they're honestly not even relevant power wise besides conflict with mid card or weaker characters like the little league. Any of ishtar's mythical would beat them bloody.

agentsrbond

w/ or w/o revisions well still be here to support, keep up the good writing!

Hekyll

Personal opinion, nothing related to the story but I felt Lilian and Snow were a little rushed.