happier when you're gone (Patreon)

only fuck-ups need clean starts

-Happier When You're Gone, Alt-j

this song, and It's Called: Freefall by Rainbow Kitten Surprise, have been playing on a loop in the back of my mind the last few weeks

there's still a pair of skis in my closet, waiting for bindings and for me to forget the person that bought them for me

there's still photos on the 16gb card in my camera they took

I still sleep under the weighted blanket they bought me, though the heft doesn't remind me of them anymore

they bought me this dress, and it's the first time I've actually shot in it, though I packed it along on trip after trip

it was a bribe, meant to persuade me to look the other way while they mistreated me, and for a few months, I did. though the cotton is lightweight, I think it sat in my arms as heavy as that blanket, sharp-edged as the skis, a silent reminder of friendship gone wrong.

we don't, and won't, talk, but I still wonder what I'll say when inevitably I run into them again. 

ending things was hard, but I am better for it. I truly am happier that they're gone. 

shot by me, wearing Solstice Intimates bodysuit and Loud Bodies dress, on the stolen land of the Numu (Northern Paiute), Western Mono/Monache and Eastern Mono/Monache.