[Rewards] on gods and game designers (Patreon)

•  for patrons pledging between 1-1 and 1-31:  everyone's been added to the credit list, level5+ folk have been supporteredered on the forum, and messages sent out where necessary elsewise. if i have missed you, please smack me over the head with a paper fan via my inbox until i stop missing you.
  which i never will, because you're always so far away </3
• everyone is credited with either their patron or forum name. if you want a specific one, please violently make me understand that. but preferably without violence.
• for other higher leveled folk if you would like to call in one of the other Things in the List of things to call in
  you got my digits, call me sometime we can, like hook up or whatever ;)

--

so, i believe in gods, including (but not limited to) that really overblown stereotypical narcissistic christian god that so many people seem to swear has some divine purpose and don't worry you'll find it in time sweaty :)
i do not believe in divine purpose.
i do not believe everything is for a reason,
or that some enlightened being puts the pieces together for our lives to work out just as they're meant to.

but i do believe in video games.
and that is almost the same thing.

so, many of you likely know that i have historically struggled with finding balance for myself between work and play. this got to such an extreme a couple years ago that my body decided the logical thing to do was fold in on itself and create a bunch of physical pain in order to slap me the fuck woke and go easier on myself. among other things.

but, i eventually figured that out and found a nice healthy balance that i was comfortable with
and then y'all happened,
i got this here patreon, and on top of all of my previous struggles, i had to deal with the pressure of development now being my full time job, and always feeling like i wasn't doing enough to deserve that. make no mistake, i don't regret it for a second, and i appreciate you all soooo much for enabling me to do what i love. but adjusting to it was a challenge. as you guys know from my past posts.

but you know what? the past couple months in particular, i think i've really managed to regain my balance with it. so, a lot of that is definitely thanks to the emotional support i've gotten from some of you in the distant and recent pasts. a large part of it is also remembering that most of what i need to do is just trust myself. instead of worrying, i can trust that i won't fall behind or short of expectations, because i tend to be more motivated/productive when i allow myself that space to breathe anyway. i'm finally accepting that in the context of doing this with all of you. and it feels pretty good.

and then a wrench comes flying at me.

see, i've found a good balance between work and play... but i continue to struggle with balancing all of that with the time i spend on other people. i believe strongly in connecting with fans, and being involved in my own community, and of course i also enjoy hanging out with my friends and partners as much as the next gal.
and also i'm a hardcore introvert.
i don't want to have to shove anyone aside, but i burn out on people really quickly. one thing i've found to be super cleansing for me is to have days where i just don't get online at all. phone off, no IMs, etc. i feel like i could pull a walden and go live in the woods alone for three years and be pretty happy about that. but one day at a time is good enough for now.

so anyway i have a boyfriend moving in with me next week.
some of y'all probably know him. i don't think he wants to make a big deal of it tho so shhhhhh.

the problem is, not only am i a hardcore introvert, but he's an extrovert, and i'm a bloody anxious mess around people. like, despite all my confidence on streams, and generally liking myself, when it comes to being around people 1-on-1 i sometimes just shut right down. i can't think, or feel, and sometimes i can hardly breathe. like-- it's bad, i'm a disaster.

so i'm kind of worried that my productivity is going to take a significant hit in the next few weeks. ...to say nothing of emotional stability. i mean, it did last time i had someone move in with me. and that was back in 2011. the game wasn't a thing yet, but the league was. and i was noticeably more absent from the community for a while because of it.
granted, that relationship in particular was... significantly unhealthy.
and frankly that might be a direct cause for a lot of my current learned anxiety.
whoops.

but my intention here is to get over that.

my boyfriend and i have been planning this for years-- long before we ever even thought about dating. and it just so happened to suddenly work out now. right after i more or less got over my whole work/play balance thing.
now i have to learn to be okay around, and find balance with people too.

but the timing is pretty strange, isn't it?
it's almost like-- say, clearing a level in a video game.
i beat the work-play stage. and the patreon-life-balance stage. now i'm on to the interpersonal clusterfuck stage.

this is the kind of thing that i think a more religious person might say is god's plan. it's like that idea that 'He' only puts those things into our lives which we need to learn from and overcome to meet our divine purpose or whatever.
...but then again, isn't that exactly how game design works? a level's no good if it's not possible to beat. and it will generally base on old elements while incorporating new ones for the player to learn around. either way the player is able to march forward assured that there is some way out.

and of course, i tend to gamify life naturally-- just how i've grown up thinking, perhaps.
so i may not believe in god's plan or whatever, but despite that, i'm confident that i can learn to get through this in time...
and that's just because i believe in video games ^~^

just bear with me until then,,,