noise noixe nxixe xxixe xxxxx (Patreon)

lately is such a struggle,
i've realized the reason why my updates have been more infrequent-- it's gotten to a point where i feel like i have to choose between making posts or actually developing the game.
development has been pretty consistently winning, which is fine, but yikes.

it is pretty hard for me to write much of anything when someone is talking to me, and living with another person always in my room when he's home means someone is usually talking to me, if not asking for attention more actively. sometimes i try to respond to a casual forum pm and it takes me half an hour or so just because of how frequently i get interrupted. it's a problem
so when it comes to writing patreon posts, let alone dialogue for the game... man, i haven't even been trying when others around. and i'm not sure i'm losing anything for that.
in the precious few hours that i do have to myself at the end of the night when everyone is (usually asleep) i have been applying myself to the dialogue i wasn't able to write earlier. it's working-- but slowly.

i've said in the past that story is usually the quickest part of development. this is because it's often the easiest part for me to get excited for, so i often will just spend all of several days doing it constantly.
usually mapping takes forever because it's inherently slow.
but this seems to have reversed now.
the mapping this episode was so quick, as you might remember from february. because with something visual and relatively mindless like that-- it doesn't matter if someone is constantly talking to me. i can do that and converse at the same time. and since i can't focus on much of anything else while someone is around, i had nothing to do but sit there and map all day every day.
i can't do that with writing dialogue. i get a few hours at night to stop-and-go and lose my flow over and over
so that has been driving me more than mildly crazy(er)
and this is honestly a really unfortunate episode for that to be the case on since there is now particularly so much to write through

full disclosure,
i continually find myself wondering if it is really even worth it-- and not only worth it, but practical-- to keep living with someone like this.
i am always very aware about how i am spending my time. i had to unlearn my self-judgments for choosing to spend more time relaxing even after acknowledging that doing so is more effective for productivity in the long run.
i am indecisive, so when it is just me, it takes me about about three minutes to decide what to make for a dinner usually. my partner is also not very decisive and often does not take an active role in deciding what we eat. since i try to include him and his input anyway, it often takes around ten minutes to decide what to have for dinner.
assuming a standard difference of seven minutes for every night of every week, that quickly adds up to about 43 hours a year.
that is the price, in hours, that i pay for deciding dinner with another person involved.
and that says nothing of breakfast, lunch, or all the other various activities that take longer together.
these are the things i think about while the onions are caramelizing.

i should never raise children.

one thing i believe, and perhaps should discard, is that one cannot have everything. i think it is important for individuals looking to achieve their goals to answer the question "what are you willing to give up?"
luxury is a common answer for those who need money. sweets are a common answer for those looking to become fit.
for someone who wants plenty of time to make her games and experience the other stories the world has to offer,
i think of giving other people up pretty readily.
this feels offensive for me to say, especially acknowledging how it is only because of all of you, other people, that i'm able to do this.
but maybe i just need to live alone after all. 

or more reasonably, i just need to learn to take time to myself like i would from people online, even from those around me.
this feels offensive for me to do, especially acknowleding that my boyfriend has moved across the country for me, and already has to be out of the house and away from me for work and various other things.
but the work and things aren't stable time i can fully rely on. yet.
nor can i rely on myself to take that time by force as necessary.
i continue to admire titania for being able to tell literally anyone to fuck off, because although i can be confident online, when it comes to people in my personal physical life, i can't assert my way out of a paper bag.

drawing out the episode because of what i acknowledge is very much a result of my personal issues and unstable private life is about the last thing i want to do
but at least i can let you all know where i'm at.

--

the followng is another UI piece for starlight. i have been able to do this because-- hey, something visual that i don't have to focus on. wow. 

this is for the directional wait command. it's common in iso tRPGs to end the turn selecting your facing, but historically 2d tRPGs haven't had the resolution to support showing facing in their overworld map sprites. fortunately, we can totally do that despite being 2d. 

i somehow continue to make other progress on starlight because even scripting is easier when being talked to than writing dialogue is.
bah.