[Rewards] on that personal grind 😤😤😤 (Patreon)

hi loves, some character development for you all
the recent slowness of updates is something i've been griping about repeatedly for a while now, as in that one post a couple weeks ago where i fully explained why this has become so much of a trudge... so i want to follow up on that situation a bit.

firstly, i really want to thank everyone who offered me their advice following that post (be that in comments or dms elsewhere or whatevskis). i've talked about this from time to time a little but it's really reminded me of one of the main reasons that i believe so strongly in this whole vulnerability thing-- because we all only human, and chances are any way that one of us gonna fuck up, some of the rest of us also gonna have been around that block and fucked up that way ourselves or seen someone do it, and can help each other fuck up less
which is basically exactly what the case is here

i'm touched to continue to receive everyone's support, not just having you here, but also helping me work past this stuff and find solutions. the general feedback i got was to focus on open communication and being assertive, which, yeah, okay, duh, i strongly believe in both of those things in the first place, but it's very easy for me to lose sight of them among past habits.
but i also strongly believe in actually listening to the people around me when everyone seems to be agreeing about a certain course of action, largely because of how people i've cared about in my life and watched not be able to enact the very reasonable advice they were given by the people around them, and how i've seen them continue to stick themselves in their own respective miseries as a result
nu uh
honey ame don't playy that shit
... at least not more than she has the awareness to help...
in short, those of you who have reached out to me have really helped to keep me on track with improving this kind of thing, and i super duper ultra scooper appreciate it

i'm always somewhat self critical when i make posts like that, talking about why i haven't been posting more or working more. to an extent, i feel like a kid making excuses to her teacher about why her homework is late. obviously that's not the kind of relationship this is, but i am afraid that's how it will be seen. i don't know where the line between openness and lack of accountability is. maybe there isn't one. but that's something for me to work on as well. 

so here's the character development: i remarked in that post that i felt like it was offensive to him for me to take time to myself, and so i wasn't doing that very much. i'd get a trickle of moments when he was asleep or away, but not much.
my new sort of mental plan has been to deliberately take at least some kind of time from him, sleeping and away-ing notwithstanding, every single day. whether i use that time to work, or just to maintain my sanity is on me (and lately it's been all about the work becuase boi i feel like i got some catching up to do). but one way or another, i'll ask for some time.
...and, i'm not always getting it when i ask yet. so i also need to continue to be a bit more assertive even after asking. but like, i'll get there. gotta level up a bit first i guess.
so it'll continue to get better.

or it would continue to get better if this situation continues to exist
which is anybody's fucking guess
i mentioned it in that post above, but here's the brief run down of the shit going on: the past month and a half has basically been a constant combat of my mom vs my boyfriend, and more often than not i'm in the middle because them speaking to each other directly just sets both of them into tailspins. she wants to kick him out for not having adequate employment and he's been scrambling to secure it by her deadlines, and i'm just tryna get us all through this bit in one piece
but i swear unto a fuck, literally every two days it's different, it'll be "he's being kicked out on X date if this", and then "he can stay" and then "nope he's leaving on X date" and this morning it was "actually i'll kick him out this weekend"
so it has basically been a solid month or so where i've had no idea what my living situation is going to be in a week or two. and i still don't.
fucking stressful/10

i posted back in february before dan moved in with me that i was likely going to be having some kind of turbulence-- and somehow february and half of march was great because the pot hadn't boiled over yet and i could just focus on mindless visuals (hello record mapping time). but this kind of thing has been exactly what i was afraid of
but it's also exactly where i need to grow. i mentioned that i'm kind of a trainwreck around people, and that part of this was about me learning to actually exist like a reasonable stable person around them.
which, all right. getting there,
but man this has been trial by fucking fire.

so i figure,
if i can learn to swim through this fire, i'll probably be fine no matter what.
(those of you who follow my twitter are probably like oh so that's what that tweet meant
yeah turns out half my tweets are just really high level vaugeposts. cat's out of the bag :\ )

hey did you know you can use emojis in patreon titles? i didn't. until just now. what's up jan, this one's for you.

--

so, i have some other stuff to talk about about development and the team, and how i've approached some things. i was gonna include that in this post, but we're already this far down, so i think i'll just make it tomorrow's post instead.
we'll git it.
later.

for now: the usual
-new patrons pledging in mayyyy have been added the credit list, messaged, accounts connected
(one y'all ain' use your forum email for your patreon but don't worry fam i gotchu too 👀)
-higher level rewards or anyone who i have missed should call me on my cell phone, late night when i-- wait, no, just message me. ok? ok.
-i think i prefer having this at the bottom 🤔
-wow the thinking emoji looks weird at this resolution...
-i love you all ok bye
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