Ogawa Burukku

FaLLEN Chapter 2 Reboot Script (Patreon)

Published:

2022-09-16 18:54:26

Edited:

2022-09-16 19:00:51

Imported:

2026-06

Content

This is the reworked new chapter 2. It gives Lamia a lot more screen time and condenses the battles in the original version to give them a bit more meaning. I think the visuals in this version are stronger (Munchkin returns) and things are a little less confusing for the reader (now the reader knows where Arma's sword comes from). The flamingo-dodo creature never makes an appearance, sadly. Nobody but I will miss it.

NOTES: I did go back and rewrite some of the first chapter, but it's so minor I didn't edit the Patreon post. But here's what I did.

I now include an extra panel where Arma tries to tell Lamia there was a giant lizard at the top of the rock formation she fell from, but when Lamia looks up she doesn't see it, but she is still putting on a good-girl act and just says "Um... sure..." and plays along.

The other change is that Arma says her "I am a girl!" line but immediately after says "Kidding, kidding. Of course I knew." This makes Lamia angrier and feel even more like she's been "tricked," even though Arma never said otherwise.

As before, if you have suggestions or think something doesn't work well, or you like how this remake is going, please leave a comment below!

The next chapter will be tricky, since I'm condensing two in one. I should be able to reuse more panels from the original, though!

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Chapter 2: Starting Over part 2

Page 1

Title Page. Cover art is going to be Arma with the sword, same as the old Chapter 1 art, except she will either have her hospital gown on or she has part of her uniform on. Will have to take old art and revise it a bit. Hopefully I still have that PSD file!

Page 2

Show the town resting between rock formations. Look to Utah photos for inspiration.

Lamia oc: Hello? I need help!!

Show the town from the inside. It’s empty with a tumbleweed passing through. Lamia stands on the road some distance from camera. Appears small and alone.

Lamia: Can someone please… uh…

Shot of abandoned car in front of boarded up gas station with a cute dinosaur mascot, like Sinclair. The car is old, rusted, missing tires, and has a broken window shield.

Gas Station Sign: No gas! Leave!

Lamia walks past a post office that is also heavily boarded shut. The mailbox is filled with trash and has burn marks on it. Next to the post office is a general store of sorts, like a sundry.

Lamia: What happened here?

Page 3

Overhead shot from a shelf or rafter, showing the front door of the store. Lamia enters. In the foreground we see a mouse (Vox) from behind, watching her. Cobwebs are everywhere.

Lamia: Yuck… I don’t think anyone’s visited this town in years.

Lamia: Just my luck.

Close up of Lamia’s face. She looks thoughtful.

Show various items for sale. Lamia lists them one by one.

Lamia: Snow globe.

Lamia: Book light.

Lamia: Keychains.

Lamia: Dancing cactus with humorously oversized sunglasses.

Lamia picks up a teddy bear that is colored red.

Lamia: I can name everything here. I haven’t forgotten things like gas stations or post offices.

Lamia looks at a display case by the register. It has sunglasses on it and gift shop name tag keychains dangling. The name tags are hanging all around a mirror. She looks at her reflection, surrounded by commonplace names.

Lamia: So how come I don’t know who you are?

Page 4

The cash register is empty. A rack with postcards sits next to it.

Lamia: Paradise Valley…?

Lamia: Now that’s false advertisement.

Lamia studies the teddy bear in her hand.

Lamia: No newspapers, no cash, no candy bars…

Lamia: No clues, nothing useful. I’m no better off here than I was with…

Shot of the teddy bear, which has red fur and says “Hugs?” on its belly.

Lamia oc: ...

Lamia oc: I wonder if Red’s okay.

Page 5

Arma is using a fallen branch as a makeshift sword. She is backed against the tree, the girl (Ora) in view but just barely. The shadow of the monster looms. It’s rattlesnake-like tail rattles in the foreground.

SFX: RATTATATATA…

Arma looks up at the girl.

Arma: Uh… kid? You okay?

Ora is clinging for dear life.

Ora: Not really…

Long shot of the tree and the snake. The snake is poised to strike.

Arma: Right, right…

Arma: I don’t think I need to tell you this, but don’t let go of that tree, okay?

The snake lunges.

Snake: SHAAA!!

Page 6

Arma ducks out of the way of the snake just in time.

SFX: FWOOMP

The tree trunk breaks under the weight of the monster.

SFX: SNAPP

The tree snaps in half and Ora is thrown.

Ora: Wahh!!

Arma catches her, but she is knocked off her feet. Ora is a little embarrassed.

Ora: I let go…

Arma looks at Ora, who has her arms around her neck.

Arma: New plan!

Arma is running with Ora in her arms, the snake behind her.

Arma: We’re gonna do this for a while.

Ora: Eek!!

Page 7

The monster leaps into the air, the sun behind it, casting down a shadow.

SFX: SHOOOOM

The snake then dives into the earth as if it were water, with sand and smaller rocks flying up.

SFX: KRNCH!

Arma looks behind her and doesn’t see the snake, but Ora sees its burrowing trail snaking around them and panics.

Arma: I think we lost it!

Ora: Uh…

Large panel of the snake bursting through the earth, throwing up rocks and the two girls. Arma and Ora are flung in opposite directions.

Snake: RARRR!!!

Ora: Help!

Arma: Crap!!

Page 8

Arma lands hard on the ground, she is covered in scrapes.

Arma: Oof!!

SFX: SMAKK

Close up of Arma’s face as she looks up and realizes Ora is in danger.

Ora oc: No!!

The monster is leaping toward Ora, fangs open wide. Ora has her hands in front of her, protecting her face.

Ora: Kyaah!!!

Arma’s hands reach out for the snake’s rattled tail.

The snake is jerked back, unable to reach Ora. Behind it, Arma is yanking on the tail, keeping it at bay.

Arma: Run!!

Page 9

Ora’s hands are still over her face. She peeks through her arms.

Ora thought: She’s so… strong!!

Arma grits her teeth.

Arma: Don’t look back, just ru—!!

The snake backtracks, throwing Arma off balance and whipping her around.

Snake: HSSS!!!

It dives back into the hole it burrowed out of, flicking Arma into the air with its tail before they both disappear underground.

SFX: SHOOP!!

A shot from behind, Ora is staring at the hole completely dumbfounded.

Ora: Oh no…

Ora’s face is horror-stricken. (Recycle a panel from previous version.)

Ora: She’s gone!!

Page 10

Back in Paradise Valley, close up of an old telephone receiver/handset being hung up.

SFX: CLICK

Lamia oc: No dial tone.

Camera pulls back a bit to show Lamia in a phone booth. The door is wide open. Her hand is still on the handset. She looks all around her.

A shot of the town, including the abandoned gas station and post office we saw earlier. A shadowy creature seems to be hiding behind the dinosaur mascot at the gas station.

Lamia oc: No way out. No line of communication.

Lamia oc: No people.

Lizard: Hsss…

Lamia panics

Lamia: Red was right…

Giant lizard monsters like we saw in Chapter and encircle the telephone booth. They lick their lips as they gather.

Lamia oc: There are giant lizards!!

Page 11

Lamia slides the rusty phone booth door shut as one lizard circles closer.

SFX: KRRRINK

Lamia pants as she leans against the side. She looks out the windowed door and sees a lizard pawing at the booth.

SFX: Hff

She looks down. To the side we see a panel from Chapter 1 where Arma is facing the sandworm. She is having a brief flashback.

Lamia: And I left her alone…

Lamia slides down the side until her bottom is on the phone booth floor. She has her arms around her knees with her face buried in shame.

Lamia: I’m a terrible person.

A mouse (Vox) crawls out from under a tattered old phone book that is also on the floor.

SFX: Sktch

Page 12

Lamia looks up from her knees.

Vox oc: Skeek?

Vox looks up at Lamia, her toes in view.

Lamia oc: Is this…

Lamia oc: Earth?

The glass shatters above her head. One of the lizards has taken its spiked tail and smashed it through the siding.

SFX: KRSSH

Lamia: Waah!!

Lizards all gather around the telephone booth. They shake it and smash it with their tails, trying to get at Lamia.

Lamia, Vox, and parts of the phone and phone book are tossed about.

Lamia: Ngh!!

Lamia: Oof!!

Page 13

The gem on the mouse’s forehead glows/shimmers. He is still being tossed left and right.

It flies into Lamia’s face, the mystical aura now taking over his whole body.

SFX: Smakk!!

Lamia: Yeek!!

Exterior, large shot shows a dark energy exploding through the phone booth as lizards finally rip through it.

SFX: VOOOOM!!

The camera shows where the floor of the booth was. Lamia and the mouse are gone, leaving the lizards understandably confused.

Page 14

Show the prairies, long shot. A large black bubble of energy appears.

SFX: KRAKK

Lamia is lying flat on her back in the grass, Vox flopped across her face.

Lamia: Uggghh…

She pops up, her arms scratching at Vox on her face, over-exaggerating and comically.

Lamia: Eww, gross! Gross!!

Lamia: Get off, get off!!

Lamia’s hand tosses a dizzy Vox into the air, cartoonishly.

Vox: Skee!

Lamia oc: What the—

Lamia looks herself over.

Lamia: I’m okay!?

Lamia: But how…?

Camera is behind Lamia’s head. In the distance she sees Paradise Valley.

Lamia: I’m back where I started.

Close up on Lamia’s expression as she hears a voice (Vox).

Vox oc: Stay here, with the others.

Lamia: !?

Lamia: Who is it? Who’s—

Page 15

Lamia, standing, looks behind her and realizes there are bodies behind shrubs and tall grass.

Lamia: …there…??

Larger panel shows us she is specifically looking at the unconscious bodies of Maris, Vesta, and Neiva. They are nude but everything is hidden by shrubs or grass. Their faces are not real clear but previous readers will recognize them by their skin/hair color. Next to the girls is a stack of neatly-folded hospital gowns.

Lamia’s head floats into the bottom of the second panel. She has a dark, worried look on her face.

Lamia: What the hell is going on here!?

Page 16

Ora shelters behind a rock. The hole from the sandworm is visible in the distance.

Ora: She’ll be okay, she’ll be okay, she’ll be okay…

Ora hears the monster underground and shuts her eyes. Tears begin to form.

Snake: SHARRRR!!

Ora: Eep!

Large panel, looks as though the ground has been sliced open for a view of the monster’s lair. The snake has coiled itself around Arma. She is struggling to breath as she sinks further into the coils.

Snake: Hssss…

Arma: Ungh…

Her face is barely visible. Just her nose and mouth.

Arma thought: I… can’t…

Everything is dark, signifying her losing consciousness.

Arma oc: …breathe…

Page 17:

The black becomes more bluish. Strands of silvery hair seem to flow into view.

Large panel. Arma is in the fetal position, naked but covering herself by clutching her knees to her chest. Before her stands an ethereal version of the munchkin. Parts of her are opaque.

Munchkin: You’re giving up?

Arma’s eyes are listless.

Arma: Am I real?

Munchkin smiles.

Munchkin: As real as I am!

Arma looks up at her.

Arma: Are you real?

Munchkin giggles. She floats upside down for a bit.

Munchkin: *giggles* You were very brave today.

Munchkin: You saved that girl’s life!

Page 18

Medium panel with both girls. Arma’s face is obscured by her knees.

Arma: Maybe, but… I lost you.

Arma’s face, which is still fairly emotionless.

Munchkin oc: I know, I know.

Munchkin oc: You wanted to catch me so I would tell you who you really are.

Arma: No.

Close up of Munchkin’s face. She is surprised, maybe even a little touched by what Arma says.

Arma oc: I didn’t want you to be alone.

Munchkin closes her eyes and turns around, peeking back a little at Arma as she thinks. Arma’s hair is in the foreground with camera over her shoulder.

Munchkin: …

Munchkin: Even though you’re terrible at games…

Page 19

Very large panel. Munchkin has vanished, and in her place is Arma’s Guardian sword standing upright, floating. It glows green, bathing Arma in its light.

Munchkin oc: …I’ll go ahead and give you one little hint.

Arma props herself up, filled with purpose. She has a determined look on her face as green stripes appear on her cheeks.

Page 20

Ora is still behind her rock, sobbing. The snake hole in the background bulges slightly.

Ora: And all I could do was hide! Why didn’t I try to—

Small panel, Ora looks behind her and gasps.

Ora: *gasp*

The ground under the burrow suddenly explodes. The monster has been diced into slabs that resemble sushi.

SFX: SHUKK SHUKK SHA-KEEEN

Ora shrieks as the disembodied head of the monster lands in front of her. She is splattered with monster blood.

SFX: FWUMP

Ora: Aiyeek!!

Page 21

Ora clambers up and over the rock. Note: this page is going to reuse art from the original.

Ora is amazed.

Ora: N-No way!!

Recycle panel. Arma looks behind her in the same pose as in the original story, only she is no longer naked. She will be wearing her Guardian uniform, but it will look like it is fading a bit, revealing some of her hospital gown beneath it. Leaves are fluttering about, monster meat littering her surroundings, etc. She is covered in her blood and monster blood, which is not red in color but more of an oily black, though not “true black.”

SFX: Huff…

Page 22

This whole page is basically recycled artwork from the original. Arma drops the sword.

SFX: Fmmf

Ora tries to process what she has seen.

Ora thought: A sword? When did she…

Ora thought: No, more importantly, is she okay?

Arma starts to lose consciousness.

SFX: Swoon

Arma falls forward.

Ora thought: Wah! Not okay, not okay!!

SFX: FWUMP

Overhead shot, Ora races toward Arma, who is lying flat on the ground.

Ora: Hang in there, miss! Just relax and—

Ora: Eek! Too relaxed, too relaxed!!

Page 23

Ora, sobbing, hugs Arma’s limp body. This page is a copy of the original pages.

Ora: S-Somebody… anybody, please…!!

Ora: Help us!!

The sword begins to dissolve away. Should be easier to do in color, show it fading away by changing opacity, etc.

End of Chapter 2: Starting Over part 2