Trapped With A Scottish Guardian - (Patreon Exclusive Audio) (Patreon)

What a country! The lush fields, the winding trails, the stunning mountains and valleys. Scotland really is everything you had imagined. Naturally, after having thoroughly exhausted the mainland of tourist-y stuff to do, you scrambled to the ferries visiting the remote islands, eager to explore their hidden treasures!
Though, after straying too far from the hiking trail (and admittedly getting a little lost) the last thing you expected to see in the middle of a field in the tiniest coastal island was... a really angry Scottish man. Uh oh, he saw you! 

This M4A ASMR RP contains a Tsundere Scottish Guardian, themes of enemies to friends, comfort, fantasy and much more! 

Credits:
Voice: PebblesASMR
Script: PebblesASMR
SFX: Epidemic Sounds
Character Art: Picrew - K_Pupu


Subtitles:
Oi, what are you doing out here? Argh you can’t be here right now! Didn’t you see the signs on the hiking trail? This is private land. Go back to whatever tourist joint you crawled here from. I don’t care if you’re lost, retrace your steps and you’ll be fine. Go on, get out of here, I don’t have time to deal with you. I’ve got to stop Baobhan Sith before she escapes and destroys the mainland. You know, Baobhan Sith? Ancient vampire, untold evil, not to mention the lassie has one hell of a temper.
Oh, I don’t have time to explain this to you! Go on, get! Bloody tourists...

Hmm? Is that? Aww shit not here, not now. Oi tourist! Stay away from that thing! No, it’s not just a horse, it’s a bloody kelpie! Don’t get too close, it will drag you into the water. Are you listening to me? Oh, for God sake, they’re under the spell already? How weak willed are these bloody tourists mow-a-days?
Right, listen to me before you get yourself hurt – Wait don’t climb on its back, that’s what I wants! Wait!
 

Ah you’re finally awake? No, no don’t try to get up. You’ve swallowed a lot of water, can’t put those lungs through too much stress right away. Here drink this – don’t turn your nose up at it, it’s tea. What? A stranger offers you a drink and you don’t even have the courtesy to accept it? Actually now I say that out loud maybe that would be the smarter choice... it’s been a while since I’ve dealt with... people. My socialising skills are a little rusty.

Anyway, I’m glad to see you’re not, you know, dead. You were touching cloth for a while though. Thought I’d have to toss your body on the first ferry back to the mainland. Do you remember anything? How you ended up here?
Aye very good, you ran into me off of the tourist track, and then? Aye the horse, well not a horse, a Kelpie, appeared and? That’s where it goes fuzzy? Aye I’m not surprised. It did all happen pretty fast.

Well let me explain. That ‘horse’ that dragged you into the water wasn’t a horse. It was a Kelpie: an evil water spirit that haunts Scotland’s rivers and streams. Almost every body of water in Scotland has a kelpie story.
In most versions of the legend, Kelpies take on the appearance of a beautiful black horse but its appearance can change to suit the height of the victim. So, for example, where a man would see a towering stallion, a child might see a well-groomed pony. But the thing that gives a Kelpie away, the one thing it can’t hide, is its dripping wet mane. No matter what it tries to do to camouflage itself, no matter what the weather is like, its main will remain wet. You could leave a Kelpie in the desert for a week and the sun wouldn’t dry a single hair on its head.
Kelpies try to entice their victims to ride on their backs, acting friendly and bowing their head as an offer. But once they climbed on, the victim would quickly find that they couldn’t get off. And as soon as their arse was planted on the Kelpie’s back, it would carry them at a breakneck pace towards a watery grave. Just like what Hamish tried to do to you. Aye I said Hamish. The Kelpie you encountered off the trail. That’s his name, well, it’s what I named him. Aye he’s a particularly nasty brute. Caused a lot of trouble around Loch Lomond before I brought him here.
Aye I brought him here, just like I brought the rest of the dangerous mythical creatures on this island.

*chuckle*
I recognise that look anywhere. You don’t believe me do you? You think I’m just some recluse, hiding away from the rest of society on a remote island.

Crazy? Well, I wouldn’t go that far. You know, you’ve got a strange way of showing gratitude to the person who saved your life.

No, no Nyxi you don’t need to do that – they don’t mean it. Oi Kaelor none of that! That’s not nice. If our guest here could understand you they’d be very upset.

Hmm? Oh, sorry I must not be helping my case of proving I’m not crazy, eh? Hold on, they’re not imaginary, they’re just hiding. It’s alright, you can come out now.

These lovely little lads and lassies are Brownies or Broonies as they’re also known. They’re helpful household spirits that make themselves at home in random houses. They come out at night to perform chores or work on the farm but are mostly dormant during the day, unless the host family is fine with their presence.

Aye, sounds like a pretty sweet deal doesn’t it? No sweeping up or cleaning dishes and all it costs is a bowl of milk a day for their services. But you would do well not to take advantage of them, brownies hate people who don’t pull their weight in a household. And if that wasn’t enough, they’re also extremely easy to offend. So even though they may look eerily similar to them, make sure you NEVER compare Broonies to the house elves from a certain popular JK Rowling book series. Not unless you want your laundry hanging from the roof of the barn.

But despite being devious little pranksters brownies are good company. Aren’t you?

Aye I wouldn’t go that far Zear – you can be a pain in arse when you want to be.
*laugh* I’m only joking lass. Aww come on, surely you can’t stay mad at little old me?
*Sigh* I’m going to be getting salt in my tea instead of sugar tomorrow aren’t I?
Thought as much...

Oh sorry about that tourist, forgot you were there. But as you can see these here are mythical creatures and they are very much real. And I don’t think you need a reminder of how real that Kelpie was. So, I guess I’m not as crazy as you thought. No need to apologise. No harm done.

Besides, it looks like you’re going to be spending the next week here so there’s no point in making it any worse for you than it already is. Aye I said a week. Well, I’m afraid you were unconscious for a little longer than what it felt like. 4 days to be precise. You missed the ferry back to the mainland, and what’s worse a storms drawn in. No ships are getting to or from this island until it clears. So, it seems we’re roomies now. Awk cheer up tourist, it won’t be too bad.
Besides, maybe, just maybe, I can give you a real tour of this island. And it’s inhabitants.

What do I mean? Well like I said, over the years I’ve brought a variety of mythical creatures to this island. Some to protect them from the world and others to protect the world from them. I’m kind of like a mythical groundskeeper. If you like, I could always show them to you? Let you meet some of Scotland’s Folklore in the flesh?

Sound good? Aye? Well alright then! I keep a compendium of all the beasties on this rock, give me a second and I’ll fish it out and go over a few with you. Then we can set out to see them tomorrow morning. Oh, but before I get the book, there is one fearsome beasty that I want you to see. Follow me.

Look out there, next to that wee windmill by the barn. Do you see him? Aye I guessed that after what happened you would recognise that dripping mane anywhere.
That right there is the Kelpie that almost took your life. I got you off his back, which like I said earlier, is no small task. Then I brought you both back here and shackled him to the windmill’s grindstone.

You didn’t think there was any way to get off a Kelpie? Well, technically you’re right. But here’s a little trade secret for you – if you ever have an encounter with a kelpie and find yourself stuck, they do have a weakness. If you can take a hold of its bridle, you can make it go wherever you want. You’re lucky I managed to call on the blue men near the river to slow the Kelpie down before he waded too deep into the water. They gave me just enough time to reach him and get you to safety.
I rode him all the way back here with you on his back, then I shackled him to the windmill’s grindstone where he’ll be spending the next month grinding grain into flour on days where the windmill isn’t turning the stone.

Don’t feel sorry for him, he should know better by now – shouldn’t he? Hamish has been in trouble before, he knows this is punishment for tempting mortals, so it’s on his head if he chooses to misbehave. You know, Kelpies are said to possess the strength and endurance of one hundred horses. They can plough a 3-acre field in an afternoon, or in this case, make enough flour to coat the entire island.

Aye I’ll be getting a pretty penny for these goods next time the ferry comes round.

Hmm? What’s that tourist? Who are the Blue what? Oh, the Blue Men? Awk Aye that’s right, I forget you aren’t an expert like yours truly. Hold on and I’ll get that compendium.
Ah here we are
Let’s see,
Blue Men, Blue men... Ah here we are!

‘The Blue Men of Minch’

Normally found in the stretch of water that lies between the Isle of Lewis and mainland Scotland, known as ‘The Minch’, the Blue Men of Minch are also known as storm kelpies or na fir ghorma . They’re blue-skinned men whose lower half varies depending on a yet unknown factor, with some having fish like tails, and others having normal bipedal legs. They spend their time looking for sailors to drown or boats to sink, using their powers to create storms as well as scratching at the hulls of ships looking for a loose board to pull free.

The only way to avoid the wrath of the Blue Men would be to have a quick-witted and sharp-tongued captain. Before they attacked a ship, the chief of the group of Blue men would shout out a line or two of poetry. The captain would have to complete the rhyme, or else the Blue Men would sink the ship.

Because of this, these Scottish mythical creatures have inspired many sea shanties.
And also, as you’d imagine, the Blue Men are also directly responsible for the increase in poetry book sales, usually by the mothers of young sailors to keep them safe on your first voyage.

Aye Scottish waters are a terrifying place. Awk don’t look so sheepish tourist, we still need to get you on that ferry home! I promise its not all bad. Look here:

‘The Selkie’

Up in the northern isles of Scotland, you might hear stories of the beautiful selkies. In Gaelic stories, mermaids and selkies have the same name: maighdeann-mhara, or ‘the maiden of the sea’. That doesn’t mean there aren’t any male selkies, however.

When they’re in the sea, selkies take the form of seals. Sometimes, they come up onto the land and shed their skin to walk around as a human. Depending on what story you’re listening to, selkies might be able to transform only once a year on Midsummer’s Eve.

While most mythological water creatures end up as nasty and mean-spirited like the kelpies or the Blue Men of Minch, selkies are kind and helpful. Unfortunately, many selkie stories are romantic tragedies. You see, if you hide a selkie’s skin while they’re in human form, they can’t return to the sea.

Many versions of the tale end with someone hiding a selkie’s seal skin to keep them as his wife. Once the selkie finds the skin, they can’t resist the call of the sea, and they leave behind their family to return to the water.

Similar stories also occur for women who have disappeared without a trace. It’s often said they’ve gone to be the wife of a selkie under the sea.

See? The seas aren’t all that bad! And there are many more well-known creatures that are actually kind natured like the Loch Ness Monster. But nessi, well, we don’t talk about Nessie

But don’t worry, there are plenty of residents on this island that you can see without getting your feet wet. For example, if we take a few steps towards the shore line we can see... Hold on, where is she?
*page turn*

‘The Bean-Nighe’

Literally translated to ‘the washerwoman’, she’s described in some stories as an ugly hag, dressed all in green. She only had one nostril and one big tooth, and her feet were webbed. Other tales say that she can look like a beautiful young woman. But between us – she usually only appears old or misshapen when she can’t be bothered socialising.

Either way, you could find the Bean-Nighe wailing by shallow streams and small pools of water. Here she would be washing the blood from the clothes of someone who was about to die.

The Bean-Nighe’s a misunderstood mythical creature – a fairy that was only seen as an omen of death. She didn’t actually cause the death of the person whose clothes she was washing.

Instead, she simply knew who they were. If you approached her carefully, you could even ask her politely for their name, and she would tell you! Other versions of the myth allow anyone who sneaks up on her to ask for one wish. Though I can tell you, if you try to ask her for a wish all you’ll get is a bucket of cold water to the face.

But there are actually many helpful spirits in Scottish Folklore! For example, one that helped take care of you was Sully. Aww you’d love him! He’s awfully shy but he has the softest fur you could ever imagine! Trust me it puts mink fur to shame. If he grows to trust you he might just let you touch it!
Yes I said fur, he’s a Wulver, a wolf – man hybrid.

No, not a werewolf. Well, not quite how you know them. Hold on..

‘The Wulver’

Werewolf stories are very common to find around the world. However, the Wulver is a special kind of werewolf that originates in the Shetland Islands. Unlike their Lycan cousins Wulver don’t transform under the full moon like other werewolves of legend. They take the form of a man with a wolf’s head, covered from head-to-toe in brown hair. It would live in a cave and fish for hours on a flat rock, known as the Wulver’s Stane.

The wulver is not an evil, aggressive monster. In fact, this mythical creature was said to be very helpful. If someone was lost and couldn’t find their way back to the village, the wulver would help them find their way home.

Families who were poor or were taking care of a sick relative would find some fresh fish left on their windowsill. If someone was about to die, they’d also sit outside their house as a part of their role of guarding the wounded.

Aye he’s a charmer, I think you’d like him!

He’s definitely more friendly than some of the other beasties on this island.

Such as:

‘The Boobrie’

A gigantic black bird, which is supposed to have lived in the lochs of Argyllshire. It has webbed feet and feeds on cattle, so you can imagine the size of her. She doesn’t like new people so you’ll need to wear some ankle weights when I introduce you to her. Otherwise, you’ll be saying a very quick goodbye to her from 15,000 feet.

Or

‘The Brollachan’

Scots Gaelic for shapeless thing, a creature of the night... actually maybe we’ll skip them until you’re a bit more accustomed to dealing with beasties.

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. It’s getting late and I’m sure that hearing all that monster trivia has tired you out. Get some sleep and at first light we’ll head out to begin our tour alright?

Did you hear that? The Selkie are about to begin their song. Oh you’ll need to hear this, I’ll open the window and get you comfortable. You won’t want to miss this.
Now you ready? Don’t worry, you’ll hear it. Just close your eyes, prick up your ears and listen.

*Griogal Cridhe plays*