Why I've been living like an animal (Patreon)

Anhedonia is a severe condition that describes a near-complete absence of enjoyment, motivation, and interest. Anhedonia, a core feature of depression, is a multi-faceted symptom that includes deficits in the experience of pleasure, reduced approach-related motivated behavior, and/or impaired learning about rewards in the environment. --National Library of MedicineIn 2021, I began to feel a void / emotional numbness that I now know is called anhedonia. Nothing, not even simple pleasures like food, spicy manga, anime, or video games felt worth it or rewarding to me. I'm not exactly sure what caused it, but I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I neglected every other aspect of my life since my career began to take off. I ate poorly, slept at crazy times randomly throughout the day, never exercised, rarely left my home, didn't socialize or make time for my own hobbies, rarely spent quality time with family--just withdrew from the outside world while I focused on SWFTD. I thought becoming a successful artist would make everything better since I was a burden to those around me when I was broke. I never felt like my life was worth the grind and toil.

I've never been truly close to my family, so I figured some day they'd distance themselves from me. I figured it was time to move far away to try and build a life for myself. Looking back, it was probably the worst time to try throwing myself out on the deep end because SWFTD was just taking off. I've struggled with poor mental / physical health for most of my life and I underestimated how much worse it could get. I thought the lowest you could feel while depressed was mental pain, I didn't think it was possible to become emotionally numb. You'd think that it would make life simpler, but it caused me to withdraw further. I became detached from reality and the only thing tethering me to the material world was this sensation of pressure building up in my chest. I was starting to go crazy.This is what my office eventually ended up looking like after a year.The office is cleaner now, but yeah, it's pretty fucking atrocious lol like that one photo of the Hunter x Hunter author.It was a struggle to make any lasting connections in this mental state. I tried dressing up nice, going for walks, working in cafes and libraries, chatting with people in the area, but deep down I was a mess. I felt like a fraud, so ultimately I resorted to forming connections online. That also didn't result in much because I just couldn't find a place where I felt like I truly belonged. I decided to visit my family for a while and I made a greater effort to form better connections with them, but the anhedonia persisted as soon as I was by myself again.

At this point, I started hemorrhaging patrons and webtoon subs because I was fighting this shit plaguing my mind / body. I didn't have the feelings of desperation to salvage things like a normal functioning person would.Eventually, through some bizarre stroke of luck, I met someone that I could confide in and truly be myself around. I decided to try harder to improve my life. I tried to sleep at night and be awake during the day like a normal person, I avoided processed foods, went for walks, spent time with family and really tried to connect with them, I talked to my new friend regularly, started watching TV shows again and reading manga even when I really didn't want to. I had to force myself to try and enjoy things even if I could only feel a tiny morsel of joy.I realize I can't do everything on my own. Eventually, I need to see professionals to address issues with my breathing and hormones / thyroid, so that's a work in progress. I haven't had my general health evaluated in years so I really need to prioritize that.

For a long time, I punished myself for the lack of positive emotions and viewed it as some sort of moral failing. Now I realize it's far more complex than that. And I'm aware it's not all internal. The modern world is fucking overwhelming. We all know it hasn't been the same since 2020. I constantly think to myself: "I can't be the only one who feels this way, right? I'm not the only one slowly going insane? The world isn't the same and we can never go back to the way things were."I still feel psychological / emotional pain when bad things happen, but until I get my body into the best condition I can and seek out professional help, I think the anhedonia will only get worse and I'm afraid of what choices I will make in that state of mind.Fortunately, I'm managing to stabilize my mind at the moment. I started reading manga again and I found some titles I really enjoyed. I used to have a habit of only reading things that would help me with SWFTD, but now I'm separating the two and making time for things I genuinely want to indulge in. It made me feel like a teenager again when I finally found some things I enjoyed--like I was genuinely kicking my feet and giggling at some of the BL / shojou / josei titles I found. I'm going to keep this up as much as I can because what's the alternative? I lose everything and die. It sounds hyperbolic, but I'm really unhealthy and at a much higher risk of developing life threatening diseases if I don't change my situation soon. It's really not uncommon with manga / comic artists when I think about it.So here's to developing self-love. I may not be there yet, but fortunately, the fact that I'm trying means I haven't given up on myself yet.Editing this a few days later... Thank you all for your kind words! I'm really happy I opened up about this and lucky to have a supportive community ❤️