clowns, apathy, and a secret society (Patreon)

There have been some things weighing on my mind. I wasn't sure if I should share it here, but since this contains some lore related material, I'll put it here.

I've been struggling with my mental health for the last several months. Before I became a full-time artist, I felt miserable because of immense stress from my old job. After I quit, I was so happy to be free from the constraints of my old life that I was able to ignore my basic needs to focus entirely on comics and Patreon, for a period of time that is. I isolated myself so I could focus on drawing and writing. I didn't even talk to anyone online or over the phone because SWFTD became my life, and it was difficult separating myself from work when my home is my office. I wasn't broke as fuck anymore so I thought it justified the isolation I was putting myself through. 

As a result of depriving myself of human contact and simple joys in life, I began to lose interest in everything. I felt empty and emotionally numb to the point where I couldn't even enjoy my favorite foods anymore. I've had really scary things happen to me in the past, but not caring about anything deeply disturbed me on a new level because I realized I had become a threat to myself. I'm supposed to be my greatest ally, yet I was seriously considering what was the point of anything if I couldn't enjoy my life anymore. It was like I was unsafe being in my own head. I was going crazy trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and I didn't realize it at first, but the problem with mental illness is it gets exacerbated by loneliness, so I felt sicker than I actually was. I was neglecting my basic needs--of course I ended up feeling like shit.

It became incredibly difficult to figure out what to write or draw. Usually something cute or spicy would suffice, but nothing I came up with felt right. I had to find a way to turn these dark feelings into something entertaining or valuable while I figured out how to heal myself. I started out by trying to feel something again, and I wanted to do it without resorting to anything harmful. I think that's why some people who are well off end up ODing--when they have all their financial needs met, they start to wander, and instead of addressing the problem, they retreat into things like sex and d/rugs. That's something I'd like to explore later on in the story. 

I revisited old anime from my childhood and games I played growing up to see if I could remember the excitement of experiencing it for the first time. The feelings slowly started to come back with the nostalgia, but I had to keep going. Eventually, I turned to opera music. I remembered a time when I used to listen to it many years ago and I recall experiencing intense emotions while listening to Luciano Pavarotti. I listened to his rendition of Ave Maria, then Nessun Dorma, and eventually a clip from Pagliacci was recommended to me on Youtube. 

"Recitar!...Vesti la giubba" struck a chord with me instantly. My eyes were wet with tears and my body trembled when Luciano hit those powerful notes. If you're not familiar, the story of Pagliacci is an Italian opera about a clown who finds out his wife betrayed him mid performance, and not being able to stop the show, he loses his mind. The lyrics goes something like: "Act! While in delirium, I no longer know what I say, or what I do! And yet it's necessary... make an effort! Bah! Are you not a man? You are a clown! Put on your costume, powder your face. The people pay to be here, and they want to laugh. And if Harlequin shall steal your Columbina, laugh, clown, so the crowd will cheer! Turn your distress and tears into jest, your pain and sobbing into a funny face -- Ah! Laugh, clown, at your broken love! Laugh at the grief that poisons your heart!"

The tears still come when I listen to this part of the opera because I'm still trying to manage the emptiness and apathy. I honestly do feel like a clown sometimes, having to tap dance, even if I feel like jumping off a cliff. After spending more time with family and pushing myself to socialize more, cutting out negativity, taking better care of my body, and making time to find or rediscover hobbies that bring me joy, I felt myself slowly being okay with life again. But knowing how this all started, I had to keep building upon these little victories to maintain my sanity. 

I ended up revisiting some old ideas I had initially cut from my script. I self-censor a lot because I have an intense personality, but I realize I have to let off the valve a bit because it can make a story boring if I play it too safe. There was a subplot about a secret society of powerful men who took on the appearance of jesters, but it became too complicated because of the political aspect. They were supposed to play a critical role in Mirai's future. Essentially, they're an organized group of t/errorists who have control over trade and resources around the world, and they've created a secret society to discuss ideas without censorship amongst other powerful men. The jester attire is simply a disguise, but they go all out adorning themselves in gold, silk, ruffles, and ribbons like nobles of the past. After watching an analysis of the famous Stanczyk painting and falling in love with Luciano's rendition of Pagliacci, I decided to try writing about them again. 

First, I looked into the history of clowns from all over the world. Italy, France, and Japan to some extent. I became heavily influenced by Mira Fujita pierrot paintings because of how beautiful yet tragic the clown appears. I feel like that embodies Ellie's character since that was my intention with her in the first place. I admire people who can remain positive even in the face of death, but the negative feelings are still there and can show in their eyes. Clowns in western society are nothing like the ones from around the world. The European ones used to be stars and they looked the part, but now they've become something vile and horrifying in media. I want to bring back the beautiful jesters, even if they are a group of villains.

Allowing myself to push the boundaries a bit with my writing did help spark interest again in the process, but that wouldn't be enough to heal me. I've read that taking the focus off myself and serving others can help immensely. I realized I was happier when I helped others, so I've been putting a lot of effort into making this coming holiday really special for my family. We normally don't celebrate it at all because we wanted to save money, and while I don't expect any gifts this year, I'm really happy to play the role of Santa and the role of a babushka making Christmas memorable. I went all out and bought decorations from the crafts store to turn the home into a woodland cottage sanctuary, shelled out a pretty penny for quality liquor, got S tier gifts and plenty of stuff to make swiss molded cookies and a yule log. Hopefully they'll remember it fondly.