Oh here's my diary (Patreon)

Last month, it was the toothbrush helmet's birthday. I promise I don't celebrate the birthdays of all the things I build, but the toothbrush helmet is special. It was the first shitty robot that I posted online, and the first project that I had go viral. So in some way, it marks the start of the life that I have today.

So in honor of that, I thought I'd let you in on the other side of everything that happened. The not-so-curated, maybe not-so-charming side. Because I've kept a journal for over ten years, and I wrote a bunch in it during that time period.

My journal is 90% about some dude who didn't respond to some text, but don't worry: I've excluded those parts. Instead, I've cherry picked some work-related highlights for you, translated from Swedish to English.

Pls don't judge me too hard. It's needy, braggy and whiny. Just remember that I never intended for anyone other than me to read this stuff.

10/03-15
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE?

Watching a video from NASA and thinking that I should go back to school after all. But. Do I really want that?

I feel so lost. I need to find, if not the road, at least the goal again.

17/06-15
I quit my job yesterday. I was so nervous my hands were shaking. Not sure why. I told my boss that it was because I wanted to do a kids' show about electronics in Sweden. I really hope I can make it happen. Have gotten a robot arm sponsored by MeArm and I'm going to make a pilot episode where I built a toothbrush helmet.

That's how I want to work: leading teams in projects, work in sprints and make sure that I have creative ownership. I just want to try to design a life around my strengths, weaknesses and needs.

02/08-15
I published the toothbrush helmet. It's about to pass 120 000 views. Even got contacted by VICE for an interview. MADNESS!

Ugh does it sound like I'm bragging? Maybe. Anyway. Feels hard to talk about anything else.  Crazy week with so many possibilities just because I built a stupid toothbrush helmet.

07/08-15
I feel hungover from interneting too hard. Haven't gotten any fun email/message in a day and it feels like coming down from some sort of drug. I got an offer to be on the The Late Late Show with James Corden (!!!) but seems like it's going to fall through.

I'm just worried that all of this is going to go away. That I'm not going to be able to take this any further. It makes me feel empty and lonely. I'm laughing at myself on one hand, and I'm a bit terrified of myself on the other. 

Stop it. Don't be sad that the toothbrush helmet storm is starting to calm down, good things might come further down from it. 

"Congratulations, you have over 400 followers"

11/08-15
Too. Much. Stuff. Happening. All. At. Once.

• I heard back from the producer that I contacted about making a kids show. They're interested!
• Popular Science wants me to write an article for them. I thought it was a spam email at first but then I was like "hmmm Popular Science sounds familiar, no?"
• Discovery Channel is coming to my boat next week to film a segment for the Daily Planet. I have prepared the toothbrush helmet + the breakfast machine, and have built a brand new wake-up machine that hits you in the face with a rubber hand until you wake up.
• I interviewed for a job at Google??

And out of this comes an embryo of a dilemma: do I want to make stuff for real, or mostly play around and build shitty robots? At Google I would be around some of the world's most skilled engineers. And I would learn so much. But at the same time I'm really tempted to work independently: write articles here and there, try to work on a TV show, play around. Not sure if I'd be able to live on it economically though.

But not working for a brand and having full autonomy has been so great. I've been able to do fun stuff before, but I've always felt like my hands were tied by having to represent somebody else's brand. This is just completely my own. Building and writing stuff for myself feels like coming home and letting out a loud fart that you've kept in all day.

But more importantly: how am I going to put two knives on a box and get them to chop vegetables?

27/10-15
Classic when-I-feel-good-I-don't-write-in-my-diary sort of thing. I'm having such a good time. I'm building an applause machine for Popular Science. Burned up a transistor today though and got all exhausted by how difficult electronics are. 

But I'm having such a good time that I barely know what to do with myself. Have never felt this right with anything I've ever worked with. 

15/11-15
I don't know what is happening. I don't know what I want to be happening.

My wake-up machine as been viewed around 70 million times. I can't wrap my head around it. I have gotten four separate offers of TV shows, over a hundred marriage proposals and I bet a thousand comments around the internet. And the funny thing is how difficult it is to enjoy it. I'm mostly just feeling a lot pressure and stress, and like I have to hurry to post the next project.

Trying my best to catch myself. I never have to publish anything again if I don't want to. No promises have been made anywhere. I can switch gears and become a baker if I want to and never have to build another robot again. The most important thing is that I am happy. That I feel good and that I am excited. Everything else is secondary, no matter how many people like the projects that I build.

And as soon as I remove the pressure the dreams and the excitement bubbles back up. I have more possibilities than I've ever had in my life. So many different directions that I can take this. What do I want? What type of everyday life do I want? What do I want to accomplish? Questions that have always floated around in the background, and now suddenly they're top priority. I wish I could peek into the future and see what I'm doing five years from now.

But nah, even if I could I wouldn't. I don't want to ruin the surprise. The surprise that is my life.

28/12-15
Went on a date yesterday. Cute, but not super interesting. I've become a lot more suspicious towards strangers. I'm just worried that they like the internet version of me more than the real version. It's a weird feeling. I notice that people who know who I am are a lot nicer to me. Listen more to what I have to say, laugh harder at my jokes, and seem to think that I'm more interesting than I actually am. Feels weird, I'm not cooler or more interesting than before all of this started happening.

05/02-16
Had a meeting with the Swedish TV network. They offered me to be the host of a kids' show. 

AND I SAID NO! 

Wait. Let's rewind a couple of months. My highest dream was to make a kids' show about technology. And there I am, saying no? Because I have more fun things to do.

I'm still terrified that everything is going to disappear. That this fire that I've started is going to go out, that the numbers are going to go down and down until it's just mom and me watching.

09/02-16
I just recorded a video with Adam Savage for Tested.com over Skype. I laughed and cried at the same time when I walked home. Sometimes it's as if everything zooms out and suddenly I can see how bizarre everything is. I am so damn proud of myself.

17/02-16
Have been really down. Feeling ¾ ok now. Filmed a video for the applause machine and I'm really not happy with it. Yesterday I was at a friend's party and I met a guy who literally started bouncing when he realized who I was. I got really uncomfortable and embarrassed in front of my friends who stood next to us. Not sure why.

Had a panic attack last week and I'm worried about burnout. Everything feels normal, but as soon as there's any pressure it all collapses like a house of cards.

30/05-16
I'm on an airplane on my way to LA. I'm flying business class for the first time. I even managed to eat some airplane food! It's almost nice to fly. Almost. 

I'm feeling empty. Cried a bit when I waved goodbye to my family.

Struggling to keep myself grounded. Can't get perspective on it all. Is it big or am I just a tiny ant proud of the leaf it's found? Tried to write a status update on my private Facebook page, something along the lines of "hey friends, the last couple of months have been crazy" but didn't know what to write because I'm not sure what it is that has happened.

What I know is that I have gotten a lot better at handling chaos and not worrying about things that are out of my control. I'm going to be on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert next week and I'm too exhausted to be nervous. The nervousness can wait, I have no use for it right now.

These months in Sweden have been so intense. Sometimes I think I might be insane and that it's all just a delusion. It just feels so surreal, and my reality is better than anything that I could ever have come up with myself. Reading my journal from a year ago, smiling. It's all "what am I supposed to do with my life, I feel like a bud rotting on the branch, I have run out of dreams bla bla bla"

I was so clueless. I'm probably still clueless. 

Happy four years everyone! Especially to all of you who have been here from the start.

Ok I need to go and scrub my eyeballs from all of the journal reading I had to do for this post. Also, hot tip: if some dude or girl doesn't text you back, there's a high likelihood that your future self will be like "wait, who are you talking about?"

XOXO
Simone