⚠️TW: DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, CANCER DIAGNOSIS⚠️ (Patreon)

Hi, everyone 💚 As I'm sure you've noticed, it's been quite a bit since l've posted. I've made you guys aware of the struggles l'a recently encountered (car stolen, car accident, move was cancelled after months of prep), but one huge one has had me on my ass, honestly.

Toward the end of June, l'd been feeling off. Off for me is usually debilitating for most people since I am chronically ill and am used to feeling like shit at baseline, so I made note of that. A few instances, I had episodes of feeling like I was having a heart attack and fainting during migraines, so I went to the ER and each time was told nothing was wrong with me.

Keep in mind, I do have POTS, concentric LVH, and I have thyroid cancer. These all make me feel like crap, but this was DIFFERENT. I felt like I was going insane being told nothing was wrong. I was in a constant state of panic and pain, I wanted to commit suicide because I thought l'd rather die than feel like this.

I have a lot to live for, so l immediately saw a psychiatrist and got on meds, which have helped slightly. Enough for me to hone in and listen to my body. It was then that I was more privy to the fact that my throat is swollen, my voice has deepened and become gravelly, and it's become harder to breathe, swallow, and talk for long periods of time. All symptoms I immediately recognized.

I scheduled an appointment with my PCP the day after my birthday on 8/15, she immediately sent me for an ultrasound. I did the ultrasound 8/18 and not even 24 hours later got the call to come in and when I did, she told me that on the side of my thyroid which a little over 5 months ago had NO nodule/mass— I'd grown a 3.1 × 2.2 × 2.2 cm goiter. I immediately knew then that the cancer had spread, but we needed an official confirmation.

8/20 l got my biopsy and again, not even 24 hours later got the call to come in— the cancer had spread and it was growing FAST. All of my symptoms made sense. I felt heard. Like I wasn't going crazy. While that was relieving, I have scarier things to focus on. Cancer hasn't been much of an issue for me until now. I get regular blood work and ultrasounds to make sure that the tumors don't grow, but this is different. NOW they are wanting to remove my thyroid.

There are so many struggles that come with thyroid removal. But I have no other option in this case. My consultation for surgery is tomorrow 8/28 and I'm so nervous and sad and overwhelmed. I'm trying to stay positive by looking forward to a cancer free life where I don't constantly feel like crap, but it's hard. So hard. Especially when bad things have just happened back to back to me for the last year.

So, all that being said — that's why l've been absent. I've been either in debilitating pain or when days aren't so rough, l've spending time with people I love doing things I love to keep my mind out of the darkest places possible. After the consultation, when I actually know what the plan is, I'll be able to settle enough to record and post. I will also try to record in excess to schedule audios for post-surgery as I won't be able to record for a while after.

Thank you for reading, God bless you all💚