My Memories Part 2 by Jujubeluv (Patreon)

As I expected, most believed my assertion. It wasn’t hard to imagine that they would. My stature, appearance and dare I say scent, often get me mistaken for a female. Most of my pack thought that I spent my nights on the other end of some rugged males shaft any way and I’ve never made much of an attempt to deny it. Not for any reason other than arguing or denying it would serve only to encourage the opinion. Besides, I wasn’t actually opposed to the idea. I find the male form, especially more masculine males, fascinating. I’ve thought about them quite a lot while alone in my bed... touching myself. But I’ve never really had the guts to approach anyone to find out what that experience would be like; also, I do still enjoy the company of the other sex quite a lot. Just not Lanema. It wouldn’t be long until she would remind me why.

News of my preference spread through the village like wildfire. Unlike with the Noverian Clans and the Kodiak, most Amaroki were indifferent to the idea of homosexuality. In fact, a so called ‘lesser’ male like myself were often encouraged to be so in the past. Our ancestors feared passing on weaker traits to future generations and felt that runts best served the clan in auxiliary capacities. Breeding not being one of them. That of course ended when physical prowess and raw strength became less important than being clairsentient. The preternatural abilities of Nukilik were far more useful to the clan than just someone who was fast or strong. So I feared no scrutiny for my ruse, except that of my ‘fiancee’.

I knew she’d found out when something heavy hit me in the head. The world went red for a moment and then all I could see was falling white. She’d clocked me good and I lay in the snow dazed. She hadn’t taken me by surprise. I saw the angry look in her eyes as she approached. I however was too busy trying to politely talk her down to defend myself. I didn’t actually believe she’d strike me so. When the ringing left my ears all I could hear was her manic shouting.

‘You lying little shit! How dare you!’ she yelled. I shook my head, trying my best to get some sort of equilibrium. I knew she’d be mad, but when she casually kicked me back into the snow when I tried to get up, I realized just how furious she was.

‘You stay down there! You stay down you little piece shit!’ She growled, pressing her foot down on my chest. 

Of course my actions had consequences, I was prepared for that. In my mind, Lanema would hear this and be pleased. Afterall, she was one of the people who mercilessly teased me as a cub, accusing me of this very thing. I imagined that she’d be happy to be free to marry a more ‘substantial’ male in my place. I had never understood why the village elders wished to pair her with me instead of my brother. That seemed like a more logical fit. My brother seemed to like fierce women like Lanema and I’m certain Munakoh would bring more prestige to the Clan Nameja. I tried to tell her as much, but she simply growled at me and pressed me deeper into the snow.

‘Damn it, Kohkari!’ she growled.

‘You’ve made a fool out of me with your bullshit. I know you’re not a tail biter. What’s so wrong with marrying me that you would prefer people think that you’re gay?’ she asked quite loudly. I sighed rather exaggeratedly in response to that. Lanema was many things, but self aware wasn’t one of them. So when she got my answer, I wasn’t surprised that she was confused.

‘Well, behavior like this for one.’ I answered, gesturing as I could with my hands. She seemed mystified at what I meant. I had to slap her calf a few times before she realized.

‘I don’t think anyone wants a bully for a wife...’ I groaned. Surprisingly, she moved her foot from my chest and apologized. I dismissed it of course, even if she was sorry, she was who she was. Regret doesn’t change the fact that a person is likely to do insensitive or mean things. So her being sorry didn’t really phase me. She’d apologized to me many times over the years. Mostly after acousting me or viciously antagonizing me in some horrible way. She hadn’t stopped when we were cubs and she wasn’t going to stop now. So it didn’t really mean much at first. Not until I really listened to what was in her voice. 

‘I’m sorry Koh-koh,’ she whispered; using my childhood name. 

‘You’re right...’ she added. There in her voice, more than any regret was sorrow. She was trembling. Looking at her I figured she was fighting back tears. It made me feel a little bad, but only a little. She was the girl who’d tormented me all my life afterall. It was hard to dredge up sympathy for her all of a sudden; but I tried.

‘Listen Lanema; you didn’t want to be stuck with me right?’ I started. Lanema looked away, a bit of something in her face that I couldn’t place. 

‘Now you can go get you a male more suited to your needs and disposition. I thought that this would be best for both of us.’ I added. She scowled in response. 

‘You’re an idiot and you don’t know anything!’ she growled. At the time, I didn’t really understand where her hostility came from. I thought I knew her, but she somehow seemed determined to prove my lie was just that. Through clench teeth she warned that I would have to prove my preference and that if I didn’t the engagement will go through as planned. I tried to argue with her, but she was having none of my bullshit. I could see the resolve return to her as she sneered a threat at me; warning that if I was unable to prove I was actually gay, then she’d take it up with the elders. If my deception were found out, then I’d certainly be punished. I hadn’t really considered that when I told the Kaidon I prefered men. I didn’t expect Lanema to behave this way. I didn’t expect any pushback at all. As she stormed off, I realized that I had a huge problem on my hands.

I stood in the snow watching her leave. She was so angry I could swear steam was coming off of her. This of course is when he appeared. Unlike Lanema, who had not disguised her presence or intentions; the Kaidon had slipped behind me without my knowledge. His commanding voice startled me as he said;

‘She seems like a lively girl,’. I almost jumped out of my fur.

‘My Kaidon... when did you?’ I huffed, trying not to seem so dreadfully taken by surprise. Torian simply chuckled and patted me on my head.

‘Seems you’ve got yourself in quite a bind little one, is what she says true?’ he asked. I tried to look as innocent and confused as possible.

‘Is what true my Kaidon?’ I questioned, feigning ignorance. His bright white teeth shined in contrast to the thick dark fur of his muzzle as he gave me a toothy grin.

‘That you’ve never laid with a man. That your assertion to me was but a lie of convenience, because you fear being forced to marry that ‘colorful’ wolfess there.’ he replied. I knew then that he’d witnessed the full exchange and I’m sure he’d been asking around about me. Did I lie to him again or face the music. I knew the Kaidon was impressed with me, he had told me as much. But would he still like me if he knew I lied to him. Would it hurt my chances of joining the Imakandi? I hadn’t thought about that either when I answered him before. I hadn’t really believed I had a chance. His attentions were the only thing that made me think I did and now I hated to disappoint him.

Kaidon Torian had been more than I’d expected in the time we’d shared together. He was strong, brave, friendly and charming. I liked him a lot. A lot more than I probably should have. I’ll admit to having thought about him a bit the last time I was alone in my bed. The truth, that I can admit now is; I’d never considered a male lover because there was never anyone in my village I was attracted to. I mean, in the physical sense. I wasn’t really attracted to any of them. Sure, there were male kin that were handsome and dashing. There were those who I dare say I was physically intrigued by, but no ones whose personality had made me ever think; ‘Maybe I should try it with a male.’. That was until of course, the Kaidon. I could try it with him. I mean, I’d heard tale that he’d taken quite a few lovers in his time of both genders. The Kaidon would be the perfect male to help me move past this unpleasant situation. He was the person I had to prove my preference too after all. So I decided to double down on my deception, but with a little sprinkling of truth.

‘I’ve just never been with a male, my Kaidon. I may prefer them, but none about me are to my liking.’ I half lied. For the first time, Torian Akuja looked unsure. He’d definitely thought he’d had me figured out, I suppose. Probably saw through my lie, but this one was steeped in truth. He didn’t really know what to do with it, or so I thought?

‘Are you a virgin?’ he asked abruptly. For the second time in as many minutes he’d caught me off guard. My tail danced, my fur bristled and my flesh reddened. I was completely embarrassed. 

‘No... No of course not!’ I blurted out, more as a reflex than answer.

‘But you said you’ve never laid with a male kin.’ he pointed out.

‘Yes, but I’ve had a few female partners; I just prefer males.’ I answered. He smiled, folding his arms and looking at me like a feral looks at prey.

‘How do you know what you prefer if you haven’t tried both?’ he questioned. I didn’t have answer for that. So imagine my surprise when he suggested that we find out.

‘I beg your pardon, my Kaidon?’ I stammered. His grin widened.

‘I said let’s find out. I mean, you’ve already decided you need to prove your preference to me. There is an easy way to do that.’ He chortled. I suddenly felt a flash of heat rise in my body. From my tail to the back of my head lightning began to strike. 

‘When did he get so close?’ I remember thinking as he towered over me. As the Kaidon looked down at me with those amber eyes of his, I realized that my heart was beating fast. I’m not stupid, I knew what he was suggesting. I had thought about it too, but to have him just so brazenly suggest it. I didn’t know what to think. That would continue as I tried to process his next words. My mouth went dry and my body tingled as he said;

‘You’re very beautiful Kohkari. I’ve wanted since we met to know what it felt like to be inside you. Today, I think I’m going to find out.’. His voice had taken on a seductive tone and I couldn’t help but feel seduced. It didn’t take but a moment for me to realize that I wanted to find out too.