Beyond the Veil - Ch.1 - A Willing Sacrifice (Patreon)

** content warning: reminder, this story deals with depression, death, abusive / unsupportive parents. some scenes may be disturbing to sensitive readers. **

I sat in the chair by my desk and stared down at the note I'd left for my parents.

My note.

That note.

The one where I said goodbye, the one where I blamed it all on them. Their abuse, their intolerance, their bigotry. The way they refused to acknowledge I was trans, the way they threatened me if I dared to be myself.

Except the note seemed almost pointless, I already knew how my parents would react. They'd blame my online friends, and maybe some people at college or my old high school. They'd definitely blame the internet in general. They'd say I was led astray, that I'd been tempted or corrupted, that it was society's fault.

Anything to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.

I knew there was a fifty-fifty chance they'd destroy the note as soon as they found it, so I took a picture and posted it to my social media. Whatever lies my parents told themselves and their friends, at least my truth would be out there. A few people would know who I really was, and what really happened to me.

The only thing that annoyed me was knowing how they'd deadname and misgender me at the funeral. And my grave would have the wrong name on it. I told myself it didn't matter though. I tried to pretend I didn't care about that. Nothing would matter, once I was gone.

Gone.

I took a deep breath, then let out a long sigh as that word sank in. Gone. Away from here. Away from the abusive parents who made the last year of my life hell. I had no idea where I'd go, only that I wouldn't be here anymore.

According to my folks I was going to hell, but I no longer believed that. Not after all the stuff I'd seen online, the stuff I'd read about. The stuff luckier trans girls than me shared, about miracles and magic and real life Goddesses.

There was one Goddess in particular that I knew for a fact was real. I found a streaming channel that was dedicated to her. Every month two real live catgirls and a foxgirl talked about the Goddess of Chaos. She even appeared on the show for a couple live interviews. That was before I came across the channel though, so I didn't actually get to see those episodes.

That was ok, I still believed in her. I prayed to her, a lot. In fact I actually offered her my soul, both in prayer and in that note sitting on top of my desk. Unfortunately not even a Goddess could protect me from my parents.

I just hoped that if she couldn't help me while I was still alive, maybe she'd help me after I was gone.

That word stuck in my head again, and I frowned.

Why wasn't I gone yet? Why was I still here? Did I manage to screw this up too?

I leaned over to my left and looked in the little trash bin next to my desk. Sure enough all the packaging was in there. A handful of empty boxes of sleeping pills, and three empty pill bottles. The bottles were prescription stuff I stole from my parents' washroom. One of them was painkillers, I wasn't sure what the other two did. They sounded important though, and whatever they were it's not like they were going to make things worse.

Along with the empty pill packages were two empty juice bottles. So I definitely took it all. Which left me wondering, why was I still here? Why was I still awake? I didn't even feel sleepy. How long had I been waiting? When did I take all those pills? And what time was it now?

I could have checked the clock on the night stand next to my bed, but for some reason I was reluctant to turn around and look at it. My phone was probably over there too, since I couldn't see it on the desk in front of me.

It was dark outside my window, but 'night-time' didn't really narrow things down very much. Was it still Friday night, or was this Saturday morning now? Was the sun going to come up soon? Spring officially began three or four weeks ago, so the days were definitely getting longer. Although they still felt pretty dark to me.

My attention drifted down to that note again, and as I stared at it I wondered what I should do.

If all those pills didn't do it then I could try a knife... Except I didn't think I could actually do that. I was no stranger to pain, but I doubted that I could deliberately cut myself like that. That's why I went and got all those pills, I wanted it to be easy and painless.

I didn't have many other options though. If I somehow screwed this up, if it didn't work, if I couldn't go through with it, then what? I could destroy the note and pretend all this never happened. Or try again some other night. Except I'd already posted a copy of the note online. Not that I had any close friends or anything, but surely someone must have seen it by now?

It crossed my mind to grab my phone and check, but just then I was startled by a very gentle knock at my bedroom door.

I jumped in my seat and twisted around, expecting either my mom or dad to fling the door open and storm in. Instead I found a complete stranger standing just inside the still-closed door. She looked a year or two younger than me, like a high school senior maybe. She was cute though, with messy brown hair framing her pretty face. An oversized navy blue hoodie hid most of her figure, but her dark leggings showed off some shapely legs.

"Wh- who are you?" I asked nervously. "How'd you get in here?"

The girl gave me a sad look, "I'm here for you. You pretty much summoned me, although I really wish you hadn't."

That didn't make any sense, I shook my head and frowned. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You pledged your soul to Chaos," she sighed. "Then sealed the deal with all those pills. Maybe you didn't mean it that way, but sacrificing a life is an incredibly powerful way to charge up a ritual. And if it's a willing sacrifice? That's off the charts."

I was still frowning as I shook my head, "I didn't do any rituals. And I didn't sacrifice anyone."

The girl frowned back at me for a moment then her expression shifted to understanding, as if she just figured something out. She gave me another sad look, "Chaos doesn't have a bunch of prescribed rituals. It's chaos, anything goes as long as the intent is there. And that's what you invoked, you dedicated your soul to Chaos in your note. And the willing sacrifice was you. What did you think all those pills were going to do when you took them?"

"But they didn't work," I replied, although my throat had just gone dry. I tried to swallow before pointing out, "I'm still here, talking to you. Aren't I?"

She slowly shook her head, and I finally forced myself to look at my bed.

Someone was there, laying motionless under the blankets. I couldn't see their face, the duvet was pulled up a little too far. The messy mop of sandy brown hair looked very familiar though.

I gulped again as I looked at the girl. "Does that mean I'm already dead? Then what are you? An angel?"

"Yes you are," she nodded. Then she shook her head and added, "But no I'm not. Although at the rate things are going I might actually need an angel or two before long."

She answered my next question before I could ask, "I'm the Goddess of Chaos. Also known as Kid Chaos, but you can call me Cassandra."

My eyes widened and my jaw dropped open as I stared at her. I knew Goddesses like her were real, I even prayed to her and everything. But I never once imagined I'd actually meet her in person. Meanwhile the teenage Goddess continued talking.

"Now I have a question for you," she said. "Why didn't you use the plushie I sent you?"

Cassandra added, "It was a fox, with black fur. I sent it to you a few months ago, right around new years, and I know you got it. So why didn't you use it?"

I slumped back in my chair and scowled, "Because of my dad."

The young Goddess's expression hardened, but she waited for me to elaborate.

"I should have used it the moment I got my hands on on it," I continued with a sigh, "But I was afraid of what my parents would do to me. Kick me out if I was lucky, but I've never been lucky. So I was trying to figure out where I could go, if there was somewhere else I could live? Then my dad saw it. He didn't know about the magic or anything, he didn't know what it meant or what it would do to me. He just thought it was just a small cute plush toy. If he knew what it really was things would have been even worse."

My expression and voice both got darker as I grumbled, "He took it. He said he didn't want his 'son' wasting time on 'stupid toys' and 'girly things'. Then he destroyed it."

I went quiet after that. The memory still hurt. When he tore the plushie in half it felt like part of me died inside. He took away my miracle and destroyed it in front of me. My single best hope of getting a body I didn't hate was taken from me and flushed down the drain. Thinking back, I realized that might have actually been the moment I made the decision that led me to this night.

"Why didn't you ask for another?" Cassandra finally broke the silence. "Or you could have asked for more direct help. I can't answer every single prayer, but I hear them all. And I'd have helped you, if you asked."

I sighed again as my eyes drifted down until I was staring at the floor. I finally shrugged, "If I got another plushie he'd have just destroyed that too. I don't have anywhere else to go, I don't have a job, I don't have any real friends. My only option is to stay here with my family and pretend to be someone I'm not. I just have to accept that I'll never have a chance to be the real me."

The Goddess of Chaos replied, "No-one knows the future. Even fortune-tellers can only see possibilities. As bad as things may seem in the present, there's always the chance that it'll get better in the future."

"Of course that only applies to people who have a future," she added, as she glanced towards my bed and the body that lay hidden under the blankets. "You've made certain there'll be no more chances for you. Your life can't get better now, since you've ended it so early."

Hearing that sent a little chill through me. I gulped again, "So what happens now? Are you here to take my soul away to... What happens next? Heaven? Hell?"

Cassandra opened her mouth to respond but I cut her off as another thought struck me.

I frowned, "Wait a second. If I'm dead then what am I now? A ghost? Is this my soul? Why the hell do I still look like my AMAB body?!"

My voice got a little louder and angrier as I continued, "Does that mean I'm not really trans? Were my parents right all along, I'm really a boy no matter what? Am I going to have to spend eternity stuck like this?! That really would be hell!"

The young Goddess waited patiently for me to stop shouting at her before responding calmly, "No it doesn't mean any of those things. The 'you' you see and feel right now is more like an after image. You look like your mortal shell because that's what you're used to, it's what you expected. It doesn't represent the real you, or your true soul, or any of that stuff."

"Oh," I sighed as my shoulders slumped. "Um, sorry for freaking out at you."

"It's ok," Cassandra gave me a sad smile. That faded though as she added, "The thing is though, you are still dead. This after image of you is going to fade before long, so unless you're actually ready to move on, maybe we should talk about that?"

My eyes widened and I repeated myself with another "Oh..."

"So um, does that mean I have options?" I added after a couple seconds. "I mean, you said we should talk about it, right? So there's something to talk about?"

The Goddess of Chaos nodded, "Yes. The most obvious one would be to undo what you've just done. Fix up your mortal body, stuff your soul back in, and pretend tonight didn't happen."

I glanced at the bed again, then slowly shook my head. "Then I'll just be back in the same place as before, stuck living a lie to fit in with people who hate the real me."

"When I said 'fix up your body' I didn't just mean bring you back to life," Cassandra replied. "I can reshape it so it fits you properly. Or give you another plushie if you'd rather do it that way."

My eyes widened as that opened up a whole lot of other possibilities. Having a Goddess offer to grant me the body of my dreams was probably a once in a lifetime chance. Except that wouldn't fix everything else.

I sighed, "I'd still be here though. Stuck with my parents, at least until they found out what happened. Then they'd kick me out if I was lucky. I don't have anywhere else to go..."

Cassandra winced, "As much as I'd like to be able to make everything perfect for you, I can't really do that. I mean, I could, but the last thing I want is other depressed trans girls to start killing themselves in hopes that I'll show up and grant all their wishes. You got my attention with your impromptu ritual, but that's a loophole I'm going to try and patch as soon as we're finished."

"Don't worry," she added quickly. "I'm going to help you, one way or another. But this isn't a 'win the lottery' situation. You killed yourself, that's going to leave a mark."

I frowned, "If I don't want to get healed back to life here with my parents, what else can you do for me? What are my options?"

The teenage Goddess smiled, "Good question! So you're dead now, let's talk about what happens next..."