Beyond the Veil - Ch.3 - Whatever You Want (Patreon)

It felt almost cliché as I was pulled upwards through what felt like a long dark tunnel. I quickly lost sight of my bedroom somewhere far below us, while in the distance above I could see what appeared to be a dull white light.

Cassandra stayed quiet but kept a firm grip on my hand as the two of us continued our rapid ascent. What I first took to be some sort of light soon got a lot closer, and as it did I realized it was actually more like a thick fog. And rather than white, it was more of a light featureless grey.

Before I had time to react the Goddess and I were suddenly engulfed in the mist, and it seemed to swirl as it moved past us. That didn't last long though, only a couple seconds before we emerged out the other side and into what appeared to be deep space.

My eyes widened as I realized we were surrounded by infinite blackness, punctuated by billions of distant twinkling stars. It was like being out in the country away from city lights on the clearest night ever, except the sky wrapped all the way around us so there was no ground, nothing to stand on.

Apparently we were still moving really fast too, even though there was no sense of motion. The only indication came a moment later when a cluster of distant space rocks came into view then quickly grew larger until they surrounded us. Our movement stopped there, and we ended up floating in the middle of some kind of asteroid field somewhere in deep space.

Despite the assumed lack of air or warmth I still felt ok, I wasn't freezing or suffocating or anything. About the only thing I could complain about was confusion, although that only lasted another second.

"Here we are," the Goddess of Chaos announced. She made a broad sweeping gesture at the giant rocks floating all around us, "This is 'chaos heaven', although I don't actually call it that myself."

I wouldn't have called it that either. A bunch of space rocks definitely didn't seem like 'heaven' to me. I was about to say so when something caught my eye, and I frowned as I looked above us.

The asteroids were all moving randomly around us, rotating and twisting in a silent chaotic dance. And one of them had just turned to reveal a perfect little suburban house, complete with a nicely manicured lawn and a white picket fence and everything. At the end of the lawn there was a little gate in the fence, with an old rural mailbox next to the gate.

It looked like something out of the nineteen-fifties, the only thing missing was a guy wearing a tweed jacket and smoking a pipe. Instead there was a tiny green gecko perched ontop of the mailbox, and it appeared to be wearing a pair of dark round sunglasses. As the gecko and the house and the asteroid all rotated past a few dozen meters above our heads the little lizard looked up at us and waved.

"Howdy neighbours!" the friendly gecko greeted us in a masc-sounding voice. "Nice weather we're having today."

Cassandra waved up at him as she replied, "It sure is Gregory. Enjoy the rest of your afternoon!"

I just nodded slowly as the lizard disappeared inside the mailbox like it lived there.

"That was Gregory," the teenaged Goddess commented unhelpfully as the house and asteroid drifted away from us. "And yes, he lives in the mailbox. The house was new, last time I came by it was an old VW camper van in an empty field."

I stared at her for a second or two before finally responding, "Ok. Gregory the gecko lives in a mailbox on an asteroid floating in space. That's um... What?"

My Goddess guide shrugged, "Like I said, it's a dynamic place. Come on, let's keep moving."

I didn't actually have any choice in the matter, she was still holding my hand as we floated through the asteroid field. More surreal visions drifted past as we made our way through 'Chaos Heaven'. Along with a dozen houses of various styles shapes and sizes I saw a tiny amusement park, a houseboat floating on a patch of water that itself was floating in empty space, there was even an old-fashioned sci-fi flying saucer at one point.

After a couple minutes I finally figured out what it all meant. "Everyone here gets their own private heaven? That's why it's all scattered around, like the fifties house and the flying saucer and the houseboat?"

"Yes and no," Cassandra replied. "You're sort of correct, but there's also a lot of dream-logic here? So things can shift unpredictably from one moment to the next. That goes for the individual souls as much as it does their environments. Although they tend to change less often than their surroundings."

She continued, "And while they all have their own personal 'heaven homes', those places aren't as separate as they look. Friendlier more outgoing folks are all neighbours, they can and do visit each other regularly. Priscilla even hosts a weekly movie night at her place. More reclusive souls do tend to keep to themselves, but if they get lonely there's always someone around who's happy to spend time with them."

"Like over there," she added as she pointed to the left.

I turned and found myself looking at a cluster of asteroids that had clumped together. It almost looked like a little village or hamlet, although there was no consistent style to anything. And it seemed like none of them could agree on which way was up.

An old-fashioned general store sat next to a modern up-market cafe, which was at right-angles to a futuristic VR gaming place. And on the opposite side to that I was shocked to find what looked like a raunchy sci-fi bordello.

"What the...?" I mumbled as I stared wide-eyed.

Cassandra shrugged, "Everyone's idea of the perfect afterlife is valid here, no judgement."

"I like to think of this area as 'queer corner'," she added. "And I mean that as a compliment. The cafe is run by a pack of gay wolfboy bikers. The general store is home to a lovely old lesbian couple. The bordello belongs to a polycule of trans and gender-fluid pansexuals. And the VR gaming place is new, I haven't been in there yet."

After staring for another few seconds I looked at the Goddess of Chaos again and asked, "So in your version of heaven, everyone gets to be whatever they want? Live wherever they want? Do whatever they want?"

"Sure, pretty much," she nodded. "And if those wants change then that's fine, your afterlife will change to match. It wasn't that long ago the bordello was a bunny cafe, where you could cuddle cute fluffy buns while enjoying a cup of herbal tea."

I slowly looked around again, but my expression gradually shifted to a frown. "Getting whatever you want all the time sounds nice, but even this must get boring eventually. So people still move on from here, right?"

The young Goddess nodded, "They do. As far as I know it's no different than any other afterlife. Some souls stay a long while, others move on quickly."

As I looked over the weird collection of structures at 'queer corner' I found myself asking another question, "Why? Why does it work like this?"

"Why have an afterlife at all, if souls just get recycled in the end anyways?" I asked her. "What's the point? Does all this benefit you somehow? Do gods get power from the souls they have in their heavens or something?"

Cassandra gave me another sad smile as she shook her head, "It's the opposite actually. It costs gods power to provide all this, but it's part of the job. We gain power from living worshipers, not dead ones."

"If a goddess runs out of living worshipers then her 'heaven' will begin to fade and fall apart," she sighed. "Not great for the souls in it, but obviously that's even worse for the god."

"Anyways I suppose offering a decent afterlife is part of the bargain? A few pantheons certainly try to cash in on that. Like 'worship me, be good, then you get to enjoy eternal paradise' or whatever," she shrugged.

"So it's like repaying a debt then?" I frowned. "You got power from all these people when they were alive, now you're repaying them with your version of a good afterlife?"

That thought led me to yet another question, which I asked before she had a chance to respond to the other one. "Wait, what happens if a person worships more than one God? You said there's a trans Goddess in your group, what if I worshipped both you and her?"

"That varies from one pantheon to another," the Goddess of Chaos replied. "Some groups may have pre-set rules in place on how to handle it. Maybe they weigh your soul or measure your faith? Our group basically lets the soul decide. Whichever god you relate to most, or failing that, whichever afterlife appeals most, is the one you get."

"Huh," I frowned as I thought about that. Not that it mattered to me, even though I'd heard of some other trans-friendly Goddesses the only one I prayed to was Chaos. And she's the one I pledged my soul to.

"So this is the 'heaven' I'd come to, if I went with the afterlife option?" I asked quietly. It wasn't really a question, I was mostly just talking to myself to try and focus my thoughts.

The Goddess answered anyways, "Yeah. Your spot would look however you liked, and it would go wherever you wanted. Maybe floating free on its own if you preferred the privacy, or here in queer corner if you'd rather be part of the gang. And your afterlife body would be whatever you wanted."

"The other options we already discussed are still on the table too," she reminded me. "So what do you think? I don't want to pressure you, but you are going to have to make a decision soon."

I took a deep breath then let it out as a long sigh. Then I forced myself not to get side-tracked wondering where the air was coming from or how I was even breathing, considering I was a disembodied soul floating in space next to a bunch of asteroids.

The problem was, nothing she'd shown me or told me about sounded right for me.

Being a ghost might be fun for the first two or three days, I might enjoy trying to scare the crap out of my parents. But it'd get boring really fast, and the idea of fading away until I was just a shadow of myself sounded scary. For that matter even the 'fun' part would probably suck, since it'd mean I was trapped hanging around with my folks.

Regular reincarnation didn't sound great either, since it basically meant the death of me as I knew me. Which I knew was kind of hypocritical considering the circumstances. I tried to rationalize it though, I'd already died once today I didn't want to do it again so soon.

The 'cheat reincarnation' Cassandra offered was only slightly better, in that I'd get to determine where I came back and what kind of body I'd have. The downside was starting off as an infant and having to repeat school and all that stuff.

Then there was the afterlife. Maybe Chaos Heaven would be fun? It definitely seemed a lot less boring than the eternal old-time farm heaven she described earlier. Being able to change my body and my home at will, hanging out with other cool queer souls in an ever-changing environment seemed pretty wild. But there was that nagging thought that it still ultimately led to the soul-wipe random reincarnation. Not just for me, but any dead friends I might make while I was here.

"Well?" the Goddess of Chaos asked after a minute or two. "What are you thinking? Which of these options appeals to you most?"

I let out another long sigh then grimaced, "Honestly, none of them?"

"I'm sorry," I added as I felt my cheeks heating up. It was finally sinking in that maybe I'd made a mistake, and that thought was accompanied by a stinging in my eyes. I tried to blink away the first few tears as I admitted, "I think maybe I'm not ready to be dead yet after all."

Cassandra gave me another compassionate look, "I did say I could fix up your mortal body and put you back in it. I can reshape it however you like, give you the body you always wanted."

"But I'd still be stuck with my parents," I sighed as I used my free hand to wipe my eyes. "And my dad might just kill me again as soon as he found out how I'd changed."

The Goddess of Chaos shook her head, "I won't let him do that. And you could always leave home, set out on your own. I'm not saying it's easy, but you'll be alive. And you'll have a body you're happy with."

I wiped my eyes again as I hesitated. Maybe that was better than being dead, but it still scared me. I had no idea where I'd go, I didn't know anyone who'd take me in and I didn't have money to cover my own place. I'd be a homeless college dropout, all alone on the street. I didn't think I was brave enough or strong enough to survive like that.

"I don't suppose 'none of the above', is an option?" I tried to joke, as my eyes pooled with tears again. After a second I stifled a half-sob then apologized, "I'm sorry. I just want a body I don't hate and a life that isn't going to leave me in constant fear of beatings or abuse."

The young Goddess gave me another sad look, but before she could respond I suddenly remembered something she mentioned back when she first appeared in my bedroom.

I blinked back more tears and gave her a hopeful look, "You said you needed to hire some angels. Maybe I could do that for you? Let me work for you, I can be an angel of Chaos!"

"That's not how angels happen," she replied with a sigh. Then she grimaced, "And if I did make you an angel my parents would kill me."

I stared at her in confusion, "Your parents? The Goddess of Chaos has parents?"

Cassandra blushed and shrugged, "Adopted parents. My mom and mum are both fallen angels, they know better than most what it means to be an angel."

Hearing that left me with even more questions, but I pushed them aside for now and gave the Goddess a desperate look.

"Please?" I begged, "If I can't be your angel maybe there's something else I can do for you?"

More tears blurred my vision as I added, "I've already given you my soul. I don't have anything else to offer, but if I did I'd give you that too."

The teenage Goddess frowned for another second or two, then her expression shifted. And when she spoke, it was the same voice but the way she talked almost made her sound like a different person.

"You can't turn a mortal soul into an angel," she said as if she was talking to someone else, "But there must be something else you can do."

Then her demeanour shifted back again as she replied to herself, "I don't like it any more than you do, but we can't reward someone for killing themself. That'll only inspire others to try the same thing."

I wiped away some more tears as I watched the Goddess of Chaos argue with herself, and I couldn't help thinking she was really living up to her name just then. The debate lasted another minute or two before she finally turned her attention back to me. And when she did, there was a faint smile on her face.

"All right," she stated. "Chaos is all about breaking rules and stirring things up. So lets see what we can do for you."