an update heavy with grief (Patreon)

hey folks.

i was so determined to come back with a new video this time, i was DETERMINED not to talk about what's been going on in my life because it feels like i've just been making excuse after excuse for, what, almost three years now? jesus.

anyway, my cat died last night. i wrote a whole thing that was gonna be this update, but at a certain point it just seemed ludicrous to write about my experiences with death and pet death only to turn around to be like "so anyway about my youtube channel"

you can read that piece here. it's very heavy, and covers a lot of stuff i've never talked about publicly before. definitely heed the content warnings.

so, BESIDES that and the week we spent trying to make our place cat-proof, here's a few other excuses:

-i changed stimulants at the start of the month and the new one is definitely BETTER for me but i'm literally not stepping up to my final dosage until tomorrow, so the adjustment has taken some time.

-we had to take my gf to an ophthalmologist (who, miracle of miracles, only had good news for us)

-the wifi card in my (brand new) pc died

-i spent half the month with a cold that verged on flu-like

etc etc etc. it's been a hell of a fuck of a month, what can i say.

however, despite my silence here since the last update i HAVE been working. not as much as i’d have liked because i swear to god every day something comes up that we have to handle. now it’s this and it’s just so absurd! but i’ve got a plan that feels good and i’m doing it, god damn it. with fingernails caked in mud i am clawing my way towards having a voice again.

the video i’ve made the most progress on is “Everyone Is Wrong About LOST.” i know i’ve floated a bunch of other vids as “the next vid” but this is for sure the next vid, and i’ll tell you why. zoe and i recently finished our full rewatch of the series. it was her first time through, and my fifth though it’s been five or six years since i’d watched it. anyone familiar with my older vids knows that i’m a big LOST defender, and rewatching the series again reminded me just how annoying it is to admit to being a fan of LOST, because... everyone is wrong about it, and no one will admit it even when you correct them with evidence. but this vid is gonna be about a whole lot more than that, i’ve got the whole thing outlined and a big section of it written. i’m currently projecting it to be at least ninety minutes long, quite possibly longer. it’s gonna be taking a lot of inspiration from tim rogers’  video essays over at action button. hell, the section i’ve written just straight up IS in tim rogers’ voice. here, have a taste:

altogether i’ve taken maybe 30 pages of notes for this one? but really i’ve been planning this vid for at least as long as i’ve had a youtube channel. i don’t know when it will be done. i’m going to do everything in my power to have it out before the end of march but, well. no one's paying bills with the divination business these days

actually probably the opposite is true. hrm

i've got a lot of other videos in the works too but these are largely the same as what i've talked about before. the real important thing is that i've figured out... let's call it an abstract framework held together by a few simple rules that i don't want to clarify yet. it's gonna be slow-going to get there, but we're gonna get there.

thank you all so much for your support. you are the reason i was able to feed my cat. you are the reason i was able to afford to put her down humanely, and still have enough left over to pay rent. i'm sorry to implicate you in this, but alas, there's no ethical crowdfunding under capitalism. i'll have more for you soon. take care of yourselves.