Judge&Jury [LitRPG Satire] - Chapter 4 (Patreon)

So you agree to be a Judge?

“Well, I just said I would do it, didn’t I?” Slip grumbled. He paused. “You’re not hard of hearing, are you? If so, I’m sorry. I don’t want to be rude.”

I’m making sure. This isn’t something you can back out of easily. It’s a lifelong commitment.

“You already said I was a judge. Now you’re saying I can back out,” Slip complained. “Make up your mind!”

I’m just being certain. There’s one more thing we need to do before you’re officially a judge, though.

“Is it a quest?” Slip asked eagerly, nearly dropping his sword in excitement. “I’ve always wanted to go on a big quest. We can start by slaying some dragons, and then we can rescue a princess from their tower. Then we can slow roast her over a campfire! It would be delicious.”

Yes, it’s a quest of sorts. And killing an innocent person would go against Rule 1 – unless they weren’t innocent, in which case Rule 7 would apply.

“Oh,” Slip said, looking crestfallen. “No eating princesses. Fine. What are rules one and seven? And when can I go on the adventure?”

Please slow down. Too many questions. And it isn’t rules one and seven. It’s Rule 1 and Rule 7.

“That’s what I said,” Slip frowned.

No. You didn’t put enough weight behind the words. Capitalize them.

“Rule One and Rule Seven?” Slip said, spitting them out like they were sunflower seeds.

Much better. A judge must have presence.

“Right, right. What about my quest?” Slip asked, his forked tongue darting out.

Are you ready to undertake it?

“Yes,” Slip said.

Are you prepared for the burdens that come with the role of judge?

“Yes,” Slip said, more eagerly this time.

Are you prepared to serve the people?

“Yes!” Slip exclaimed.

Then take upon the quest: Terms and Conditions!

A crack of thunder split the sky. Slip cried out and dove to the side of the road, pulling his hat low over his eyes. Several moments passed and no further noise came. Slip slowly raised the hat and peeked at the book. It hadn’t changed from the previous message.

“Did the quest do that? Do I have powerful magic?” Slip asked.

No. That was a random strike of lightening. You still need to take the quest.

“Oh,” Slip said, frowning. “I don’t like lightening. How do I take the quest?”

Touch my text. I will impart the Terms and Conditions upon you, and you shall gain the powers of a judge.

Slip touched the book. A dull electric shock ran down his finger and through his body. He jumped as his vision blurred and changed, currents running up and down his arms. The strange feeling slowly passed, but his mind felt fuzzy and tired.

“What happened?” Slip asked, rubbing his forehead.

New skill: Eye of the Arbiter

Blocky letters identical to those within the book trailed across the air directly in front of Slip’s face. He swatted at them, but his hand went right through the sky as if nothing was there.

“What’s this?” Slip demanded.

I have unlocked the first skill of a judge for you. It will help you get insight into situations so as to judge them better. In addition, it will let you see the Terms and Conditions, which you must accept in order to truly unlock your powers.

“Oh. Okay,” Slip said. “Where are they?”

The text on the book faded, transforming into a massive page of miniscule writing. It didn’t stop, covering the next page as well. Slip gingerly flipped the page, but the book was still turning dark. It managed to fill ten pages before stopping. New, normally sized writing appeared on the next blank page.

Just read and accept this. Then you will be a judge.

“Sure,” Slip said. He glanced around, then sat down on the road and pulled the book into his lap before peering closely at it and starting to read.

Several minutes passed. Slip was still on the first page. A few more minutes passed. The book rustled.

You know, you can just flip to the last page and accept the Terms. Nobody actually reads them.

“No, it’s okay,” Slip said, squinting down at the small characters. “I don’t mind reading. It’s my quest, after all. I need to do it right.”

The book wrote nothing back, which Slip was fine with. He perused through the pages, reading each word closely. He didn’t understand all of them, but he got the gist of it. The sun moved through the sky above them, but Slip didn’t budge.

Clouds obscured the sky above him, casting the world in orange grey hues. Thunder rumbled out several more times, but Slip pressed onwards.

Finally, after several hours of reading, Slip reached the end. He licked his drying lips and nodded.

“I’ve read the Terms and Conditions!” Slip announced, enunciating the words like the book had told him to.

A small line of text at the bottom of the last page grew larger. Beside it was a small square. Slip scanned the words, then pressed his finger against the square.

Another jolt ran through his body. This one was much stronger than the last. His teeth rattled as it zipped down his arms and into his legs. Slip coughed out a small puff of smoke.

“Ouch.”

It was a necessary part of becoming a Judge. Portions of your body had to be changed at the molecu- small level. You have now been improved to the point where you can execute your duties as a judge.

“That’s good,” Slip said, his mind still foggy. “I think. What exactly did you do?”

Much. However, the most important thing is that your skill, Eye of the Arbiter, is now at level one. Think the skill name in your head, and then look down at yourself.