New Cancer Update (Patreon)

The update is also at my GoFundMe.

CW: Discussions of depression, trauma, self-harmhttps://www.gofundme.com/f/help-owen-kc-stephens-fight-cancer(Art - the radioactive spear of Ylva the Valkyrie, Chooser of the Valiant, by Jacob Blackmon)

Depression is kicking my ass.For those of you not familiar with my mental health issues, my clinical depression is not something I can just 'get over,' or that someone trying to 'cheer me up' helps with. I have been diagnosed with both MDD (major depressive disorder) and cPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder), and they are a hell of a cocktail.My depression is not about 'feeling bad,' or any reasonable reaction to my circumstances. It's a series of malfunctions of my brain, no less real than a broken leg or heart attack, and no less debilitating.And, of course, no less real than cancer. The fact my mental health issues aren't caused by disheartening or frightening events doesn't mean they can't be worsened by them. My cancer medical team is well aware of my increased risk for noncompliance with treatment plans and self-harm. I self-monitor and report, and I am subject to regular assessment to ensure I'm not in unacceptable levels of danger.Of course, I am also a game designer. I can, and have, analyzed the assessments and figured out how to get them to give false readings, because committing me has been discussed and I am never going to allow that. (I would not survive being committed. It would strip away too many of my support system. Thankfully one of my doctors happens to agree with me on that, so I can risk greater honesty with her about my mental state.) But I keep what the true scores would be for my own use and... it's becoming worrisome.I've avoided much discussion about the overlap of my cancer treatment and my depression, because it's hard to write about, it's hard for many friends of mine to read about, and every time I do I end up worrying someone I don't want to worry. Also, if I am going to be authentic about it, I have to confess I'm not being totally honest with my care team and I don't want to give the impression I think that's a good idea. (It's not. It's a terrible idea. Find doctors you can trust, and be both honest with them AND be a informed advocate for your own health needs.)But, with insurance, and interconnected health systems, and the fact I've literally been turned down for care by other cancer specialists because me case is too complex... I have to deal with the doctors I can get, and the situation I am in. They are all amazing cancer doctors. They aren't all awesome mental health experts.But part of why I do such public updates of private matters like radiation burns on my perineum or having a chemo port surgically implanted and then the insurance that paid for that refusing to pay for the chemo infusions it's used for (so I ended up taking oral chemo, and the surgery was pointless), is that someone else may be in my situation someday, and maybe reading about my experiences can help them one way or another.Also, I am a writer. I write, regardless of what else is going on in my life. Often, I write what I know. And sometimes, writing about my mental health issues helps give me a sense of control over them. So, it's a coping mechanism for me, as well.So, yes, I am suffering an uncontrolled outbreak of depression. And, no, it's not because my life sucks. But, yes, it IS exacerbated by the fatigue I'm still suffering from radiation + chemo, and the not-yet-recovered (and possibly permanent) damage to my innards and the inconveniences (and embarrassments) that causes me, and my immunocompromised status turning me into a shut-in, and... debt.So fucking much medical debt.I have coping mechanisms and support systems I turn to when my depression is getting the better of me. Currently, they aren't working. I'll keep trying them. The danger here is to avoid sliding from healthy coping mechanisms into unhealthy ones. This is especially the case when I am still potentially fighting a tumor (hopefully not, but I dunno yet), and definitely still recovering from the most challenging and exhausting two months of medical procedures I've ever experienced, so some of my unhealthy coping mechanisms could do a LOT more damage than usual.For example, shutting down and not being able to get out of bed for 3-4 days is never good. It's much, much worse if it means skipping the blood thinners, antidepressants, similar medications that are cranked up to such a high level that even if my doctors decided I didn't need them anymore we'd have to ween me slowly off of them instead of going cold turkey.I've resorted to writing down my crucial, safety-related care items, and checking them off as I do (or don't) manage them. While my timing has gotten much less reliable, I haven't fallen completely off-schedule yet. When wisdom, common sense, self-preservation, and even rote fail me, I can generally summon up enough hate for my tumor to force myself to do the things needed to kill it and KEEP it dead. I'm sure this is not the best mental state to be in. I'm also sure it's better than many of the alternatives.Historically speaking, this won't las forever. My worst depressions normally run from a few days to a few weeks, with periods of apathy or self-loathing only rarely stretching out to as much as a few months. And, thankfully, I DO have a support system, including people I am 1005 honest with at all times. So, if things get to a place where I cannot be trusted with my own care, they'll take steps.Until then, I grab moments of lucidity and function as best I can. And, I trust that those will be enough. No matter what lies my brain tells me, and what positive feedback it fails to allow me to have, I know I've always made it through this before. But yeah. Cancer and cancer-related debt makes it harder.By the same token, everyone's support makes it easier, and is deeply appreciated. Liking, commenting on, and sharing these updates on social media and with friends/family is an enormous help to get the word out.Thanks.