Personal Post. 9*26*26 One Year Anniversary of My Mother's Death (Patreon)

Heya folks.

This is a Personal Post. No game content, no industry insights, no (intentional) humor, not even news about my recovery from cancer. Just stuff I used to put on Facebook and Twitter, in the Before Times. But the enshittification of Social media means those places don't show friends and family that content in a reliable way anymore. As a result, I am encouraging EVERYONE to join my free membership tier here, and I'll be doing more of these. I'll make an Index for them eventually.

So, if you don't need to know about my mood, my recent news, what I ate for dinner last night (chicken fingers and crinkle fries, homecooked for both), please feel FREE to skip these. I won't be the least bit offended. I know for a lot of you, THIS isn't what you are here for, and that's fair.

Go on. It's okay. Enjoy the rest of the Internet.

...

Still here? Okay, your call.

It's the one-year anniversary of my mother's death, Claire Faust Stephens McMurray.

(Not Mom in her final years, but very much how she remains in my mind's eye)

I didn't go see her the night she died. My family made sure I knew they thought we were in the final hours, and I agreed. But I was exhausted from medical issues, and I had seen her the night before. She was no longer ever conscious, was no longer speaking. Her husband and her daughter (mys ister) and her priest were with her. I was a little worried I'd regret that decision but, at least so far, I remain at peace with it.

I miss her, a lot. She was my first long-term DM, even though she had no interest in RPGs. (She DID use them to teach me and the bunch of 12-13-year-old-boys I gamed with about a SLEW of educational topics, so she saw UTILITY for RPGS, they just weren't her bag). She introduced me to Middle-Earth, and the Galactic Patron, and Barsoom, and Narnia, and Hyperborea. And she SUPPORTED me being into RPGs, and being a fan of fantasy and scifi and writing.

Honestly, I REALLY lucked out on the mother lottery.

And she was an activist for Space exploration, and she took some homeless people into her own home, and she worked for the Office of Radiation Safety at the Universtiy of Oklahoma, and organized International Space Development Conferences, and SciFi conventions (including seeing to it that one was scheduled to be ON my birthday once), and wrote Filk songs (some of which got picked up by professional bands), and wrote poetry... and ALL of that just scratches the surface of who and what she was. I called her Empress of the Geeks for decades for a reason.

She was thrilled both times I moved to Seattle for jobs as a ttRPG developer, and she was thrilled both times I moved home and was near her again. She co-signed for the loan that let me stop renting and buy the house I am sitting in as I type, and was so ill so fast I only got to have her visit for holiday meals or stay in it a few times. But I DID manage to take care of her on the rare occasion her husband couldn't (he was MAGNIFICENT about caring for mom 24/7; everyone needs a weekend off now and then over a few years of having to be a full-time caretaker).

I felt a sense of growing dread as this day approached, and now it's here. I SHOULD be wrapping up a short D&D adventure I'm contracted for, due today. I SHOULD be getting ready to host some friends coming over for a Pathfinder First Edition game. I SHOULD be going over recent test results that say I have WAY too much CO2 in my blood.

But instead, I am writing this. Not so much because I think anyone wants to read it, but because writing it is a big way of how I process grief. I can't quantify the empty hollow in my heart for losing the first person who ever loved me, cared for me, taught me, and encouraged me. I CAN quantify 700-800 words, written, skipping editing and development for now, posted, and linked out to the social media that doesn't want me to be able to link to things anymore.

And that helps.

Miss you Mom. Have fun up there with my father, and all the hoard of family cats, and your parents and brothers... The rest of us will be along eventually.