Intentionally Untitled (Patreon)

CW: abuse, betrayal, trauma

As a young teen in Boy Scouts, at a multi-troop event, a pretty older girl asked me to go into the woods with her.

I was confused as to why, but went anyway.

Other boys I did not know then jumped me, beat me, pinned me in a hole, and threatened to bury me alive.

I am a survivor of sexual childhood abuse. I have been hit by beer bottles thrown by passing cars as their occupants called me a fat-ass. I have had friends steal from and lie about me. 

None of it hurts as much as that one ambush in the woods.

I still have nightmares about it. It's a major source of my social anxiety. If I find myself not understanding the social expectations of people around me, part of my brain screams I am about to be beaten, thrown into a ditch, and pinned in the dirt.

It's a major source of my need for therapy.

It's also one reason I have rules about my own behavior. Lines I will not cross. Ethical requirements I hold myself to.

I never want to let that pain of that afternoon convince me to become the abuser.