Steve Chapter 882: C for Cheese (Patreon)

A few days later, in a dimly-lit reception hall…

“Let me get this straight...” A one-eyed man in a cowboy hat leaned back on his chair, eyeing his visitor with a curious expression. “You want to hire us mercenaries to deal with some kinda… monsters?”

“That’s correct.”

Integra gave a slow nod. “More precisely, you’ll be dealing with so-called ‘vampires.’”

“Huh? Vampires?”

No sooner had she said that than the group of mercenaries behind the one-eyed man burst into laughter.

“Rich London folks are something else—blowing all that money on hunting fake monsters.”

“Yeah, this is too ridiculous.”

“Aren’t vampires just fairy-tale boogeymen for kids?”

Being battle-hardened hired guns, they felt no need to hide their mockery of their potential employer. In seconds, the hall was full of boisterous chuckles.

“All right, that’s enough!”

The one-eyed man waved them down. He turned back to Integra, raising an eyebrow. “You’re sure these… vampires exist?”

“They do—though you don’t know about it,”

Integra answered solemnly. “Or rather, we made sure the public stayed in the dark. We’re the Royal Order of Protestant Knights, Hellsing, established over a century ago to destroy these creatures and bury all evidence of their existence.”

“Once a vampire drinks blood, it gains immortality.”

“We fight them with silver, holy water, and white ash stakes through the heart—then lop off the head and burn the remains to ash. That’s our job.”

Integra paused for effect, adjusting her glasses calmly.

“Of course,” she added, “if you’d rather see it as a child’s fairy tale, that’s on you.”

“Uh…”

For a moment, even the one-eyed leader looked a bit rattled by her attitude.

“What, can’t wrap your head around it in words alone?”

Integra studied him, then casually pointed toward the far side of the room. “All right. Let’s give you a demonstration—look there. That is a vampire.”

“Huh?”

He looked that way, finding a young woman standing in the corner—a curvy blonde wearing a canary-yellow police uniform, the skirt far too short to be standard issue, showing off two long legs wrapped in thigh-high white stockings above a pair of chunky military boots.

Sensing the group’s collective stare, the woman blushed, turning her head aside in embarrassment.

“...What the—?”

The one-eyed leader stood from his seat and walked over. “So… you’re supposed to be a legendary vampire?”

“A-aha… I… guess so?”

Seras forced a self-conscious smile.

“Haha, she says she’s a vampire!”

The man let out a loud laugh, throwing a glance back at his teammates. “I could take ten like her.”

“Ugh, Miss Integra...”

Seras wilted under the laughter, shooting Integra a nervous look. “They’re… they’re all making fun of me.”

“It’s fine.”

Integra responded confidently. “Show them they’re—”

“Milady, look out!”

Before she could finish, Walter’s urgent voice echoed from beyond the door. “Stand away from the walls—quickly!”

“What?”

Integra froze, uncertain.

In the next instant, a living shadow stretched right through the solid wall. A tall figure in a crimson coat stepped out, wearing a grin laced with madness: Alucard. He moved to stand in front of Integra.

“Alucard?”

Integra blinked. “Why are you—”

Boom!

Without warning, a thunderous crash came from the wall on the opposite side. The stone exploded inward, dust and debris clouding the air as Fang Mo barreled through like it was the most natural entrance in the world.

When the wall burst, chunks of rubble hurtled everywhere. Integra instinctively raised an arm—only to find Alucard’s imposing frame blocking the flying stones. His vampire body was resilient enough, so he was fine.

But the mercenaries weren’t so lucky. Pieces of concrete and masonry struck without mercy, injuring many of them. The one-eyed man in the cowboy hat—their leader—caught a sharp chunk of debris right in the forehead, toppling him with blood pouring from the wound.

“Wang Zhaosheng!!!”

Integra’s voice rose to a furious pitch. “There was a perfectly good door—why did you have to smash in through the wall?!”

“Hah.”

Fang Mo tilted his head back with a mocking sneer. “You thought I’d use a door? Tch—no chance!”

“You…”

Integra’s face turned black as thunder. “Do you have any idea how hard it’s been to rebuild the manor? Can you please stop making it worse?!”

“Why should I listen to you?” Fang Mo said carelessly, shaking dust from his shoulder. “Think I’m some Qing Dynasty stiff? Wake up, Brits—your ‘empire on which the sun never sets’ dream is done.”

“Grrr…”

Integra’s jaw clenched, veins popping at her temple.

“Oh, so you hired outside help?”

Fang Mo ignored her rising blood pressure, eyeing the mercenaries. “Huh, they look half-dead already. Don’t think they’ll last long.”

“Wh-What the hell are you?!”

A few mercenaries, clearly rattled, stepped back in alarm at Fang Mo’s presence.

“Wait—this guy’s hurt?”

Fang Mo’s gaze zeroed in on the fallen mercenary leader. In the original story, that man was quite pivotal—he and the ‘police girl’ ended up having a thing, and as a self-proclaimed champion of pure love, Fang Mo had actually taken a liking to him. Fang Mo strolled over, wearing a friendly grin. “Need some medical help? I’m Hellsing’s highly paid doctor.”

“M-Medical help?”

The one-eyed man looked down at his bloody hand, nodding weakly. “Sure… I’d appreciate that.”

“All right, no problem.”

Fang Mo beamed and, without warning, whipped out a massive scythe. Before the mercenary could react, Fang Mo swung it down in a wide arc. “Kill!!”

“What the—?!”

“Boss!”

The entire room reeled in shock. Only Alucard remained unsurprised—he recognized the scythe’s ‘healing’ effect from past events.

Sure enough, the bullet wound in the man’s forehead promptly sealed itself up.

“H-Huh?”

He touched his brow, blinking in disbelief. “That… actually worked? What in the world!?”

“Behold the power of Western medicine,”

Fang Mo declared with a smug grin. “I practice a tradition that goes back hundreds of years. You’re real lucky, pal—this is the first time I’ve saved a man in months, y’know. I’m picky. I don’t save traitors, or the unrighteous, or—”

“What kind of ‘Western medicine’ is that?”
the blond mercenary leader interrupted, baffled.

“I was once the Great Xi—uh, never mind.” Fang Mo brandished his scythe. “Killing people used to be my jam, but it doesn’t change the world. So I switched to saving them. Now I kill and cure with one stroke.”

He gave the huge blade a playful wave.

“You—”

“Oh, and about that missing eye of yours… I can fix that, too.”

Fang Mo pointed the scythe at his face. “Just let me scoop it out, maybe pop in a stainless-steel dish—”

“No, no, that’s… I’m good, thanks.”

The man backed away, cold sweat forming on his brow.

“Heh, what a bunch of cowards,”

Alucard snorted. “Hellsing expects them to help guard my nest? Don’t see them lasting long.”

“And you are…?”

One of the mercenaries eyed Alucard nervously.

“Oh, him? He’s Alucard. My co-worker,”

Fang Mo butted in before Alucard could speak, “You can call him Uncle A. As for me, just call me Big C—don’t call me ‘C Cheese’ or anything!” He pointed at the uncomfortable police girl. “And that’s another colleague—she’s B—”

“WANG ZHAOSHENG, WILL YOU STOP ALREADY?!”

Integra’s shout nearly shook the rafters. The door slammed open as Walter burst in, flushed with exertion. “Milady, are you all right? I’m so sorry—I tried to hold them back, but I just couldn’t…”

“It’s fine, Walter,”

Integra replied wearily, well aware of Alucard and Fang Mo’s insane streak. “I appreciate your efforts.”

“So… both of them are vampires?”

The mercenary leader managed to steady himself. “Are we supposed to fight people like that?”

“Fight them?”

Integra glanced at Fang Mo and Alucard. “No, there’s no military force on Earth that could stand toe-to-toe with them. You’re here to assist them, and to serve as guards here at the manor—to hold off other vampire assaults if necessary.”

“I see.”

The blond man nodded slowly. “What do you mean by ‘assist’?”

“How familiar are you with South America?”
Integra asked.

“We’ve done a handful of missions there, so… somewhat,” the mercenary leader replied.

“Great.”

Integra gave a decisive nod. “You’ll be heading there immediately to help them gather intel. The rest of your people will remain here and defend Hellsing HQ.”

“That soon?”

Fang Mo raised a brow. “What about the Vatican? Haven’t they called on you yet?”

“How’d you know about that?”

Integra shot back suspiciously.

“Uh…”

Fang Mo hesitated. He’d recalled the original timeline, in which the Iscariot folks reached out to Integra right after the Valentine Brothers’ attack. Usually they’d meet, exchange barbs, and nearly come to blows with Anderson. But now…

“Cough… actually, you know I’m the ancestral Eastern zombie king, right?” Fang Mo improvised. “So I do a bit of fortune-telling. Or ‘prophecy,’ as you’d call it here.”

“You can do that?”

Integra sounded skeptical.

“Of course.”

Fang Mo nodded sagely. He gestured at the mercenaries. “Look at them. That dark aura means they won’t last a month.”

“What…?”

The mercenary leader’s expression darkened.

“Yes, the Vatican contacted me,”

Integra admitted, adjusting her glasses. “But that was days ago. I didn’t tell you or Alucard. I only took Walter with me.”

“You sure about that?”

Fang Mo teased, rubbing his forehead in mock concern. “Did Maxwell not set Anderson loose on you?”

“Anderson? Don’t be ridiculous,”

Integra snapped. “I specifically went there to discuss him. Honestly, if you hadn’t messed him up so badly, it wouldn’t be such a hassle.”

“Oh, right, guess I did leave him in rough shape,”
Fang Mo recalled. Indeed, that might’ve thrown the storyline off track. Not that he cared.

“Anyway, enough of this,”

Integra said, visibly drained. “We need to pursue Millennium. Walter—”

“I’ll prepare the coffins, Milady,”

Walter replied smoothly. “But how many are needed this time? Does Mr. Wang Zhaosheng want one?”

“Oh, yeah—give me a bronze coffin. And throw in a nine-headed dragon.”

Fang Mo quipped.