“Quiet Enough to Hear” [SOTW PROSE] (Patreon)

So every once in a while I dive a little deeper into some of my scenes by writing them more novel-style. I don’t write prose very much so it’s just kind of a little writing exercise and an outlet for me, as well as a chance to include some more detail than I can on episode.

This particular scene takes place in ch11 of SOTW, when Char finds Circe after the disaster date with Agni. I started writing this one a long time ago (usually when I was in a sad mood lol) and have just kept coming back to it over the course of the past several months, so I wanted to share the finished product here. 

TW: mentions of suicide, depression, drinking/drugs, and SA.

- CHARON’S POV -

There are few times when the silence bothers me anymore. I'm used to it, I live in unending quiet. I have for years, now, it is what it is at this point. But jesus, the silence hasn't felt so fucking heavy in years. Standing on the opposite side of Circe's door at 2 in the morning, just knowing she's inside. Knowing something happened, but having no idea what. I've been begging her to let me in for the past few minutes. Minutes... maybe hours? I don't know. It all feels like an eternity. I know that she's awake, the light is still on and I could see her shadow move under the door on occasion. 

I slowly slump onto the ground, sliding down against the door. "I hope you know I'm not above staying here all night." Half chuckling, I pick at the chipped black nail polish on my fingers. "I don't have anything better to do tomorrow, and you're going to have to open this door eventually." 

The sudden swing of the door inward throws me flat onto my back. I glance up to see Circe standing over me. "Hi." Like an idiot, I can’t help but to smile every time I see her. Even like this. She sighs as I stand up and step inside, the door closing softly behind me.

God, she looks beautiful. Even with her messy hair and her smudged makeup, I am completely taken aback. She looks so beautiful that I’m just standing here staring at her like an idiot and not saying anything. I feel like a damn teenager but seeing her in a purple dress is making my heart flutter.

“What are you doing here?” She glances up at me, then quickly to the floor. If she is trying to conceal the fact that she’s been crying, it isn’t working.

“I noticed Agni stumbling home through the backyard about an hour ago.” I don’t mention the fact that he was visibly drunk. “He went straight to his room and didn’t stop to say anything.”

She bites the inside of her cheek nervously. “And you didn’t ask him what happened?”

I scoff, “no, considering his door was incinerated when I got up there, I didn’t exactly want to be on the receiving end of that.” She shudders. Fuck. “I’m here to ask why our landlord is now going to murder us." I half chuckle nervously.

To my surprise, and immense fucking relief, she laughs. Her eyes don’t squint and her head doesn’t fall back like it usually does when she laughs, but it was a laugh nonetheless. It was something. For a brief second, there was a look on her face other than crushing sadness.

I scratch at the back of my neck. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine,” she blurts out, way too fast. I fight every urge to roll my eyes. Sure, your lips say you’re fine, but every other part of your body is basically screaming at me that you’re not. She notices my disbelief and shrugs. “You should go home, it’s 2 in the morning.”

Alright, if she wants to pretend everything is normal when it isn’t, I can do that. “That’s why you had to let me in.” I scoff, “what if someone mugs me on my way home?” She manages to laugh again. Now I can’t tell if I feel relieved or even more worried. Is she laughing because she is feeling better, or is she laughing because she’s trying to bury whatever it is she is feeling? She’s laughing at all this ridiculous shit I’m saying, and I know I’m not funny. So I’m worried.

I sigh again. “Whatever it is, I can help.” Her face twists back to nervousness. It kills me, but I can’t just let her keep laughing and pretending everything is fine. But fuck, I really don’t want to keep seeing her sad. “In case you’ve forgotten, I do have healing hands.” My eyes desperately try to find hers, but she’s basically been staring at my chest this entire time.

“Fine.” She hangs her head slightly and folds her arms across her chest. Neither of us say anything for a minute, and I get a chance to examine the rest of her body language. She’s hunched slightly and her hair is messy, falling over both her shoulders. Her hand is nervously grazing her upper arm. Her knees are folded inward, towards each other. She shifts tentatively and I realize she’s completely uncomfortable, and I think it’s because of the tight dress she’s wearing.

“You look so uncomfortable.” Immediately, I slide the jacket I’m wearing off of me and place it gently over her shoulders. She doesn’t flinch, she doesn’t even move. When I step back to where I was, she finally exhales. I really hope she doesn’t think I’m completely insane for doing that. “Better?”

She moves her hands into the arm holes and pulls the jacket completely on. It’s way too big for her, and she’s completely drowned in it. But I think she finds some comfort in that, as she relaxes. She smiles weakly. “Yes, thank you.” Her eyes glance up me but quickly dart back to my chest before my gaze can meet them.

I tug at the hair on the back of my neck again and swallow. “By the way, there’s mascara all over your face. I didn’t think you’d embrace the goth look so quickly.”

She sighs, bringing her hand to her forehead. “Stop it, Charon.” Okay, she’s done laughing at my pathetic jokes. We’re getting somewhere. God, she must think I’m such an ass.

“Sorry, the humor comes out when I don’t know what else to say.”

She rolls her eyes and folds her arms over her chest. “You don’t have to say anything, I only let you in so you don’t get mugged.” Fuck, stop it, Circe.

“Okay, I lied. Besides, you don’t think I could defend myself in a mugging? I know magic.” I sigh, “speaking of, can I?” Her face twists back to sadness and my heart starts to race. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked. She nods slowly and I exhale. I don’t know what compels me to do it, but I reach my hand out towards her face. The second my finger brushes her cheek, she flinches hard. I pull my hand away and my eyes search for some kind of answer on her face. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I shouldn’t have done that.

I step back from her. “I don’t have to!” My mouth is so dry. The last thing I want to do right now is to upset her or make her feel more uncomfortable.

She looks just as confused by her own reaction. She rolls her eyes and groans, “ugh, god, no. It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

I sigh again, unable bring myself to move. I can’t tell if she’s serious anymore. But this is torture. I move toward her timidly, keeping a reasonable distance. My hand lifts back to her cheek slowly, and she is unmoving this time. As soon as I touch her, purple light shines from my hand and sinks into her skin. She exhales as the adrenaline rush from the magic kicks in. And while she feels relief, I feel anything but.

My stomach sinks as I run through flashes of everything she’s felt the past several hours. I don’t know what it all is from, but oh my god, it is suffocating. Heartbreak, crushing sadness, disappointment, shock, embarrassment, shame. It’s overwhelming. How has she felt this much in this short amount of time? What the hell happened?

I try my best not to let my face show that I’m completely panicking inside. I want her to trust me and to feel comforted, so she can’t know that I am currently freaking out knowing every single emotion she’s felt. I pull my hand away and step back, her eyes finally catching onto mine for the first time tonight. If she ignores the overwhelming anxiety in mine, I’ll ignore the welling tears in hers.

I have to pull myself out of this spiral, but I can’t just suppress all of that. “Do you want to tell me what happened?” God, I hope she can’t hear the desperation that’s probably in my voice right now. “You don’t have to, but you can tell me anything.” Her eyes are glued to the floor now and she scratches her forearm nervously. Again, she’s biting the inside of her cheek.

“I don’t know if I want to talk about it.” She starts to pick at her nails, now. Every 10 seconds she’s switching between one nervous tick to another and it’s freaking me the hell out. I have never seen her this distraught. Not when she found out about magic, not when her mother and brother visited. My stomach has been twisting into knots for the past 20 minutes just aching to know what’s wrong. I’d give anything to just make this stop, for both of us.

She contemplates my complete lack of a response for a moment before continuing, “Honestly I feel kind of stupid about the whole thing.”

This... this is what I was afraid of. She’s shutting herself off. Shutting me out. I can’t even blame her, I’d do the same exact thing. But fuck, it’s just killing me seeing her this nervous and not even knowing why.

“Don’t. You’re not stupid and your feelings are valid.” I bore my eyes into hers, despite her gaze being caught on the windowsill to her right. I’m hoping my stare will tear into her so much that she’ll just unravel. I don’t want her anymore upset, but I needed to know what was bothering her so much. The windowsill isn’t desperate to do anything to help you, Circe, I am. Please stop staring at the damn window, or the floor, or my chest.

She bites her cheek again and her eyes briefly wander over back to me. I don’t think she was expecting me to be staring at her like a pathetic maniac so the glance is quick, but so telling. Her eyes tell me everything that she doesn’t need to say, that she might not even know. I realize now that she is just like me. She doesn’t know how to express what she’s thinking or reach out for help. She would rather suppress everything than confront anything. She’ll convince herself that her feelings don’t matter or that no one cares.

Fuck. My stomach turns even more as I slowly realize that the only way I can help her is to admit to her that she isn’t alone. Maybe, if I admit to her all the horrible feelings and thoughts I have, that she’d feel like she can trust me enough to do the same. I trust her more than anyone I have ever met and I can’t even begin to explain why. I have been silent for far too long, and I don’t just mean in this moment.

I clear my throat, and exhale deeply. “Would it help if I told you something?” She doesn’t respond, her empty stare piercing right through me. “Something I haven’t told anyone?”

“You don’t have to do that. Really.” Again, she blurts it out way too fast. The terrified kid inside of me was hoping she’d say no. But I know this is something I needed to get off my chest. If I couldn’t tell her, then who could I tell? I don’t say anything for too long and she continues, so casually, “I’ll be fine, you don’t have to let me in just because I had a bad night.”

My heart sinks once again, this time I think it might’ve even fallen through the floor. Is that what she thinks? Is that how I’ve been acting this entire time up until now? Fuck, it is. I’m such a guarded, jaded piece of shit that I’ve pushed her away at every turn. So many times she’s asked or tried to get to know me and every time I just put up all these walls that I’ve gotten so used to. But I’m so tired of putting up walls and trapping myself inside a fortress. I want someone, I want her, to really know me.

I sigh again and bring my hand to my forehead. “I don’t want to open up to you just because you’re upset.” I can feel my lip trembling. “I want to let you in, Circe. I want you to know these things about me.” She is unmoving, just staring at me with intense focus. I cross my arms over my chest, continuing to ramble. “I know I’ve been closed off until now but that’s just because thinking about this stuff is pretty difficult for me. It’s dark, but I don’t want you to feel you’re the only one who shares their thoughts.”

She reaches out for my arm. Her touch is light as a feather but still it causes me to almost jump out of my own skin. Goose bumps run up my entire body and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Her eyes beg me to look up at her, and we just stand there, looking at each other for a minute that feels more like a century. Finally, she says, “Charon, you don’t have to tell me if it hurts you this much.”

“What if I do?” I don’t pull my gaze from her and she frowns. I have never been so desperate to make someone feel better. I have never been so desperate to let someone in. As much as it hurts, I can’t bear another second lying to her or hiding my past from her. “I almost told you multiple times, but I stopped myself. I think maybe it was about time I finally told someone... I don’t know if I can let this weigh me down anymore.”

“Told someone what?”

I cross my arms over my chest, almost immediately regretting pulling myself away from her delicate touch. “You know the basic story of how I discovered magic. You know my powers arose during a difficult time in my life, when I lost my hearing and how high school was kind of hell.”

She shuffles uncomfortably. “Yeah, you seemed really disturbed by that.”

I sigh, “I know, and I’m sorry for that.” I’d say I can’t believe I was so awful to her when she was just trying to help, but I can. I’ve always been like that. I don’t want help and I don’t need sympathy. But fuck if I felt so horrible for how I acted towards her that day.

I exhale and my eyes fall to the floor. “It’s because what you don’t know, or anyone for that matter, is how bad things actually got.” I stare at the floor in shame for a few more seconds before slowly dragging my eyes back to her.

I hang my head and glare up at her as she brings her hand up to her chest. “Charon...”

“Don’t. I have to do this now or I never will.”

She nods knowingly and I exhale deeply. The only way I’m going to get through this is if I just don’t look at her and talk. I fix my gaze over her shoulder, staring past her, right at the wall.

I clear my throat and fold my arms over my chest. I’m not sure if it’s to close myself off or to make sure my pulse stays steady. “I was always made fun of, you know, for years. I was quiet, I was in orchestra, I wrote poetry, not exactly a recipe for being popular. Then I missed a ton of school to be in the hospital and came back deaf.” I don’t know if she can tell I’m trying so hard not to fumble over all of my words.

“It was brutal, honestly, I can’t even comprehend how people can be so cruel. I was always compounded by immense pressure to be perfect. My parents, my sisters, myself. Actually, no one was more ruthless to me than myself. It all came to a head when I couldn’t hear anymore. It felt like everything I was and everything I did before that was impossible. I shut myself off from the rest of the world. I didn’t want to learn to sign, I didn’t want to go to school.”

I swallow hard. This is the part I’ve always avoided saying out loud until now. “I didn’t want to live anymore.” Finally, my eyes pull back into focus, and she’s staring at me, her face twisting and her eyes scanning me slowly.

“Charon, you don’t have to keep going.”

“No, I have to.” My throat starts closing in and I swallow back the feeling of almost bursting into tears, shutting my eyes tight. “One night, I just decided I had enough and it all had to end so I... I locked myself in the bathroom with a switchblade.”

The feeling of her finger gently brushing against mine cuts through my trance with abrupt force. Everything stops. My breathing, my train of thought–everything is overshadowed by the feeling of her slowly taking my hand into hers. Her fingers lace themselves around mine in the most innocent, comforting, loving way. My eyes are burning as I blink back tears and lazily drag them up to look at her. Her gentle smile causes my heart to slam into the wall of my chest. I don’t think she has any idea what everything she just did meant to me. Her little gestures that seem so insignificant mean everything. Until now, I didn’t realize just how much I needed her reassurance.

I wish I could get a hold on myself but everything tonight has caught me so off guard that I can feel myself unraveling. She must have sensed my spiral because she squeezes my hand a little tighter and I almost crack into a million little pieces. I don’t even know how we got here. How did me trying to help her after a bad night turn into me telling her about the darkest parts of my life? How did this end in her holding my hand? How did she end up comforting me?

After what feels like an eternity, I regain the courage to speak again. I swallow down the lump that keeps creeping up my throat and direct my gaze back to the floor. “That’s when it happened. The more I tried to hurt myself, the more my magic healed me. I... uhm. I tried... so many times. Every time, my powers kicked in.”

I feel exhausted and raw but I can’t seem to stop myself from talking. Something has compelled me to get this far, there is no turning back now. I exhale, “if I had the ability to form scars I’d have hundreds.” She squeezes my hand tighter again and I drag my eyes from the floor back up to hers, which were already fixated on me. She’s not smiling at me anymore. Her eyes are boring into my soul and tears are rising in them. I feel like I’ve made everything worse and I no longer have any idea why I started down this road in the first place.

I clear my throat and pull my head up. “Eventually, I gave up on that and just tried to get on with my life. It helped that I could literally heal myself. I learned how to sign, and after graduating I had to get as far away as I could. Ever since meeting the others, I’ve tried so hard to just accept the things I can’t control.” My chest and shoulders relax as I exhale, “so... that’s it.”

Her eyes scan me frantically and her lips part, but she doesn’t say anything. I think she forgot she was holding my hand this entire time, because when she finally pries her eyes away from mine and looks down, she lets go. I wince at the newfound emptiness of my hand.

She clutches her chest. “Char I... I can’t believe you just told me that.”

She spends the next minute or so with her eyes bouncing between my chest, the floor, and the windowsill. A minute long enough for my thoughts to start wandering far away.

Char. God, it’s such a small thing, but I don’t think she’d ever used my nickname until now. Almost everyone does, none of our friends really use my full name anymore. But she always has, until now. That makes it all worse, or maybe better, somehow. I’m not entirely sure anymore, I can barely keep two thoughts straight. I’d been wondering when she would feel comfortable to stop being so formal with me but… I never expected this to be that moment. Well, I guess I never expected this moment to be happening at all. Circe bites the inside of her cheek before glancing up at me sheepishly.

Without warning, she grabs onto my shirt and brings herself into me. Her head rests against my chest, my heart now hammering out of control. I sniffle and half laugh at the urgency of her hug. It was like she couldn’t think of anything else to do at this moment except hug me with all the force she could muster. It’s amazing, and adorable, how she just does these things without thinking. 

I rest my arm around her shoulder and pull her the slightest bit closer. I’m hoping she doesn’t notice, but I need her as close as possible right now. As if responding to my desperation, she lets go of her death grip on my shirt and drags her arms around my torso, sliding them up the middle of my back. I have never in my life felt so relaxed and so suffocated all at once.

I couldn’t tell anymore what was more overwhelming: reliving the worst moments of my life, or watching her respond to all of it. The two sides of me were at a standstill, now. The side of me that never wanted her to know all my truths, and the side that was ready to shout it from every rooftop. But there was no taking it all back, and the air felt thinner somehow. Like this wall I’d so effortlessly built up between us had just so effortlessly been torn down in one swift swing of her ax.

The weightless feeling only lasts a few more blissful minutes until I remember again why I’m here at all. I know that I could stay like this forever, but I also know that I can’t. My hand slowly ghosts down the small of her back, up and down.

“I… I’ve been holding all of that in for a really long time, so thank you. And…” My eyes shut tight and I almost turn back, desperate just to stay in this stillness with her for a moment longer. “If it makes you feel even a little bit better about your own situation, then it was worth reliving.”

She leaves my embrace, and in her wake my heart is left with an emptiness I wasn’t prepared to deal with. But I push that aside for now. Her hand brushes under her eyes, pushing away tears I didn’t know she still had. She sighs, “my problems just feel so insignificant now. I’m so sorry all of that happened to you.”

My stomach drops. I just knew she was going to try and downplay this again. God, I’m almost annoyed at her aversion to her own feelings all the time. She always does this. Even in the short time I’ve known her, it’s become apparent that she always puts everyone else’s feelings above her own. It was almost funny, how alike we were in that way.

I grip onto her shoulders and force her gaze to mine. “It is not insignificant. If something’s upsetting you, then you’re allowed to feel that way.” I sigh, “but you don’t have to tell me. None of that was to guilt you into sharing.” My lips crack into the weakest smile I can manage. “I’m just… trying to show you that you aren’t alone, even if you feel like you are.”

She sighs, and shuffles her feet. Her face is unreadable, somehow. This entire time I’ve been able to read her like a fucking book. But now she’s almost expressionless and it’s the most concerning thing all night. Just when I’m sure she’s gonna back out, her mouth forms the most terrifying words I think she could say to me right now.

“He kissed me. He drank a lot and he kind of jumped on me. I got scared and pushed him off.” She takes a huge breath after spitting out everything in one shot.

Fuck, if she says anything after that then I don’t catch any of it. The entire room blurs into a messy shade of deep red. Everything was spinning and my knees lock into place because I’m sure if they didn’t, they’d give out from under me.

He drank a lot and he kind of jumped on me.

The worst part was the apathy with which she said it. She doesn’t know Agni like I do. She doesn’t know his history with drinking and drugs. Fuck, she has no idea how much worse this could’ve been. The thought of what he could do to her… God, I might throw up. But I have to push it all down. If she sees the absolute terror in my face, I’ll just scare the shit out of her.

“He what?” My throat burns as I try to keep down the anger boiling deep in the pit of my stomach.

She half ignores me and continues rambling. I told you, it was stupid. I don’t even know why I freaked out so much… I overreacted.”

My teeth grind. “If someone does something like that without your permission, it’s not okay.” Then I do the worst thing I can possibly do. The only thing I can even think of.

I fucking lie to her.

“He’s always been brash and reckless, but I know he would never do something like that to hurt anyone on purpose. He… probably didn’t think about the gravity of his actions.” The words taste like acid rolling off my tongue, and each one feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. I feel sick saying that to her, but I know it would only be worse if I tell her the truth.

What else could I say? He probably hurt you on purpose, Circe. He has hurt people on purpose countless times, and he’s never once felt guilty. He came seconds away from fucking murdering me and it didn’t faze him. But I couldn’t say that to her. Because for some fucking reason, I felt bad for him. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her truth because I don’t want her to hate him. Even if she should.

“No, I know that. My fight or flight just kicked in.” She pulls her hands through her hair, exhaling for a long while. I think it’s her first breath of relief the entire night. I should feel comforted by it but I don’t, I feel sick. She’s relieved because I just lied to her repeatedly. After telling her so much of the truth tonight, I’d just gone and tore it all down again. “He’s a good friend, we’ll get past this. I just need some time to myself.”

The scariest part of it all was that she doesn’t even register how fucked up this is. She’s treating it like a simple mistake, as if it wasn’t a big deal. Like he missed a fucking email or something and not that he just assaulted her. I can’t even think straight anymore and I don’t think I should be here. Partly because I don’t want her to see me angry, partly because I know she should probably just get some rest…

And mostly because I’m about ready to rip Agni’s fucking throat out.

“Will you be okay if I go home?” My eye twitches and my heart pangs but I brush it off. “It’s late and I… I think I need to go talk to him.”

She nods. “Yes, thank you, Char. Thank you for opening up to me and always being so inconsiderate of my ridiculous feelings.”

“They’re not ridiculous.” I sigh, thinking over my next words carefully, a thousand times over in my head. “Is it okay if I give you a hug?” Maybe it’s stupid of me, she’s already held my hand and hugged me tonight but now it just feels… I’m afraid to reach out for her even though I’m dying to.

So she does it for me. Without a real response, she just buries herself in my arms again. It’s a full and empty feeling all at once. There’s nothing I wouldn’t give just to hold her, but I feel guilty and undeserving. I’m a fucking coward for not telling her the truth about Agni but I just can’t make her upset all over again. For the most selfish reason I couldn’t bring myself to see her sad any longer. The idea of me being the cause of her sadness is too much for me to handle and right now I can’t bear to put either of us through it. So it will have to wait for another day. I’ll never be strong enough to face it but one day I’ll have to force it. Just like I did with everything else tonight. Fuck, I’d almost forgotten about everything else I’ve said.

Every part of my body was screaming at me not to leave her but I know that I have to. I’m too weak to look her in the eyes so I just bury my head into her hair. “I’m sorry this happened. Please just… get some sleep and I’ll check on you in the morning.”

She doesn’t pull away from me, she just nods into my chest. Timid breaths between both of us are the only thing reminding me I still exist. Neither of us move or speak for an achingly long time. In her overwhelming presence, my mind stills for the first time all night. For a fleeting second, it is almost quiet enough to hear. 

My weak, pathetic legs refuse to move. I’m entirely frozen in place, incapable of pulling myself away from her. By now, in the warmth of her hug, my anger has almost subsided. Almost. It’s the sheer force of that which leads me to break away from her. I can only hope to get to hold her again. If I’m lucky, a thousand more times. And I’ll do anything I can to make sure each one is happier than the last.

My brain is so all over the place I barely register walking out her door, into the hallway, and outside. The cold air hits me in the throat, the chest, everywhere. My heart is overwhelmed and my blood is boiling. Whenever I’m with her, it’s the same thing. Every emotion, all at once. At first I was so sure it was magic, but now it happens even when I’m not trying. It’s something more than magical healing and every time the thought creeps up on me I start running so far away I can barely see it. I can no longer process a single thing that happened tonight but right now I know two things for certain:

I am falling the hell in love with Circe, and I am going to fucking kill Agni.

-

This was always one of the toughest scenes I've written, even just the episode version, so writing a longer, more detailed version was kind of a gut punch. Let me know what you think and if you wanna read more stuff like this!