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Episode 19.5: Van Helsing (Patreon)

Published:
2021-11-02 22:45:44
Imported:
2026-06
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It's the Kill James Bond Halloween Special, only two days too late!The fxllas head to transylvania (Abigail is legitimately in transylvania during the recording of this) to investigate vampires, werewolves, and bear witness to an absolutely perfect 3-point Birthday Boy reversal technique. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat.

Find the full episode at our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/posts/58224568

*WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/

Find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond

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Comments

Chaos Merlin

My beloved Quincy P Morris mentioned. He really was just a texas cowboy who was too in love to walk away from vampire shit. He genuinely tries to shoot dracula and it almost works

CaesarVulpes

I love this movie. It’s so much fun.

Heidi McNichol

1) This movie has a weirdly high density of Australians. 2) Richard Roxborough (Dracula) and Silvia Colloca (one of the goth gfs) got married after meeting on this movie and are still together, which is nice.

Frances Mary

When I lived with my bff in our mid-twenties I bought a promotional poster for this movie from the local video store, covered it in red lipstick kisses and stuck it to the ceiling over her bed and then patiently waited for her to go to bed that night. Fucking delightful. I never actually watched the movie because it looked fucking terrible. I feel comfortable with that life choice.

John Doree

5 will you get you 10 Alice wrote the lorem impsum from memory.

sgthebee

I've waited my whole life for other people to appreciate the B-movie goofy glory of Van Helsing, so I'm both hyped and afraid to listen to this episode...

Vidcund

welcome to like one of two films where frankenstein accepts the monster, and the other one is young frankenstein.

Jon W

Lorem ipsum indeed.

Vidcund

Also I'm glad to know that Abi also appreciates the wonder that is Quincey P. Morris

Kerfliggle

Wondering whether the “cowboy hunting vampires and $#!+” was modified into Penny Dreadful (considering that was basically Josh Hartnett’s character).

Drunk Karsa

Nega-Alice dedicated her life to celibacy in order to launch the ISS

Kerfliggle

It is so weird to think that the same guy directed this and the first two Mummy movies with Brendan Fraser. It’s like, the man knows camp. He goes HARD on camp. But every time CGI gets involved, stuff goes wrong. One of the weirdest career arcs I’ve seen for a director.

pilindiel

Abigail gushing over this film while she is currently in Transylvania is truly beautiful

Mo Haworth

Not Abi referencing wolf porn and classic literature both within the span of like twenty minutes...

A_Aphelion

One of only a handful of movies I have ever walked out of in the cinema.

Meonlights

They stole the mirror reveal shot from Dance of the Vampires who did it way better imho. And I do understand Alice, after the BBC article my days have been weird too...

billie

i really like this movie, it sucks though.

Rufus

I saw this film as a kid and completely forgot about it until a couple of years ago where I came back from the pub to find my housemate engaged in watching a double bill of this and blade, and my god has there never been a better cinema experience than drunkenly eating takeaway while watching early 2000's vampire films

Rufus

Also, van helsing having this weird religious background of catholic/Islamic syncretisim officially makes this a dune prequel, sorry, I don't make the rules

khaliqtessi

Disappointed that the "my wife" drop wasn't played triple the amount this episode but otherwise 10/10, gang. Will be listening again!

Hugh

Fun fact: the mace shaped like a hand with a knife is actually a 100% historical design, they're very silly and I love them

Christine Pizan

abigail seems to have a much higher tolerance for trash shlock films than alice and devon, which is fair, my tolerance however, very low

Elder Dog

I don't know how to feel about that but, I will say that Young Frankstein had better character work going on than Van Hellsing.

The Good Poster

eagle-eyed viewers will notice that domme alice, now released, will be lurking behind mirrors and in the background of crowd scenes for the remainder of this podcast

Mulloy

Mildred is in the next episode? Best news.

sgthebee

Well that at least somewhat justifies my love for this movie. It’s clear some people were having way too much fun making it at least! (… possibly not including Beckinsale)

Claudia

I've never been happier to be giving you three money than this episode. I'm so happy Abi appreciates this terrible masterpiece.

Ivy Nova

It is in my collection of early 2010s torrented movies and has been through two separate computers

British Pterodactyl

This movie really lacks in the setup reminder payoff department. You know, this reminds me a lot of the other time, where I was the same guy, and I had a Seiko watch with plastic explosive that got me out of a conference room/launchpad in the heart of the amazon jungle surrounded by the world's greatest himbos, herbos, and thembos.

Henry O'Brien

Did you know that in the original story Frankenstein is the name of the monster because the real monster is the doctor?

Meonlights

I think this is why my brain compares it to the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. That and the HydeHulk + Vampires stuff.

Noblese Oblahaj

This is easily one of the best episodes and I would pay more money to have you watch Blade 2 or Underworld or something

Artemis

I became a patreon only to be able to listen to this

ZombieDwarf

Speaking of Hitcher, "elements of the past and the future, combining to make something not quite as good as either" is a pretty apt review of Van Helsing. And The Mighty Boosh, for that matter.

Twi

wait hold up how do you pronounce 'fxllas'

Stef Potter

Should I be proud or ashamed that I've written fan fic about characters from this movie? I'm going with proud.

Orca

This is the movie that made me realise that I’m a lesbian and I will forever love it in all its terribleness

Peter Thurlow

I misheard “Abby-ghoul” as “Gabby Ghoul” and that is a primo name for an Italian-American goth drag queen.

Emily Christman

I love this movie. There were so many fantastic action figures in the bargain bin in the wake of this films box office failure. Giant fully articulated 12 inch CGI bat dracula action figure, 10 dollars. It ruled.

Arthur Sexcrimes

where's the TF ep where they watched dracula? can't find it on Patreon or Podbean

Mr. Anderson

Oh, the "R.I.P. The Queen" jokes...