Midnight... (Patreon)

Hi everyone!

So... The last two days have been the worst I had ever experienced in my life.

Once again, my mom and my brother had a similar fight as last week and my mom ended up having a major breakdown. I am always taking care of her, making sure she takes her medicine but apparently she’s been hiding the medicine without me noticing.

So yesterday, my brother without respecting my mom's space and diagnosis he started screaming at her for the most stupid thing ever. I had to intervene and try to calm him and my mom down but he just simply didn't want to understand and said a lot of very hurtful things to my mom. Which let my mom to have a severe set back with her depression.

My mom at the moment is a little bit more calm, but that just happened like and hour ago. Since yesterday she's having suicidal thoughts. She has tried 2 times to either take pills or hurt herself with some scissors. She also tried to scape the house to jump off the cliff. I've had to take care of her all day yesterday and today to try and keep her calm.

I was able to find her medicines and I have also scheduled an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow so he can help me understand her better and help her more. Because I feel like I'm not doing enough.

My brother has been of no help. The day of the problem, he just laughed at my mom because he said she was just been dramatic, even tho I explained multiple times that she needed help and that at that moment she didn't need to be call out for anything because she needed to be calm to understand him. He just laughed and said that from now on he will only listen to what his wife told him to do and that my mom shouldn't get in the middle of anything. When she NEVER actually is!!!

I was so frustrated yesterday bc I wanted to scream at him but my mom didn't need for me to fight him and neither did Josh. So stayed as calm as I could. And I have been taking care of my mom for the past 2 days without even sleeping out of fear she might hurt herself.

Right now I wish I could sleep but I simply can't! I go to her room every 15 minutes to check on her. Josh is also very anxious because he feels that maybe my brother is fighting with my mom bc of him and he blames himself for what's happening. I have talked to him and hopefully he understand soon enough that he is actually the only reason why my mom will try to be better. But it's so difficult.

In times like this I have no one to talk to. No one who will listen to my worries and I feel so alone. I feel like if I am not there for her it will be my fault if something happens and I have no idea what I will do or say to Josh if I fail my mom.

This might sound like excuses not to post but trust me, I wish nothing more than just to lock myself on my room and watch my favorite shows and movies with all of you but I can’t rn bc my mom might hurt herself.

I have taken all the medicine away from her, all scissors and knives are hidden in my room.

I'm so scared to sleep and wake up and not have my mom with me.

I've reached out to her friends and they had sent her very sweet messages and I think that helped her too. I downloaded her favorite music so she can listen and remember good times, it worked for a little while until a song reminded her of my grandpa and the crying came back.

I honestly don't know what else to do to take care of her. My brother thinks I'm just taking her side and it's unbelievable to me that he has zero empathy or love for my mom that he can't see what his words and attitude does to a person with a mental illness.

Sorry for ranting, You guys might not like this type of posts, but I just wanted to explain why I disappeared the last two days.

I'm sorry for failing you guys. I will catch up I promise. My videos help me so much but I can't do it rn. My mom needs me and I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to her and I wasn't there to help her.

Sorry again for this post. I hope I'm not adding more stress to your life and everyone is more than welcome to ignore this message. You guys are here to be entertained and not annoyed by my problems.

Anyways, gotta go. I hope I see you guys soon so we can continue watching our favorite shows.

Love you all

Juli.