Book 2, Chapter 18 – Therapy is Fucking Hawt (Patreon)

Hey remember when I used to write porn? Maybe I should do that again sometime. Hmm.

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For all the many sins of the Garden, one cannot say that they have failed in their design. Vile though their existence may be, I have no doubts whatsoever that the results are precisely (or precisely similar to) the original intent, and for this, they are more vile still.

Yes, I have partaken. My sins are counted amongst the Garden’s, as theirs are counted amongst my own. It is part of why I am so entirely confident in my judgement of them. I have tasted the fruits of that terrible place, and the flavor sits on the tongue long after it should, held there by disgust and guilt. And worse, hypocrisy, as I see others embrace the ripe bounty of that place. 

They know. The ones that don’t, only don’t because they are lying to themselves, and so hold their ignorance as conditional. We all know what the Garden does, and how delicious its fruit. 

And yet, we still eat. I have still eaten. That is the horror of it most of all– that their success is so absolute that the sins it cost seem worth it. 

Every bite tastes better than the last. They are very good at what they do.

–Personal Journal of Elder Taiqing of the Burning Heavens Sect, member of the Alliance of Imperial Shadow in the Second Ring.

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“Come here,” Kaena whispers. “Slow. Do everything slowly and quietly.”

Maen nods, softly. 

Raika holds very still. She feels like she can’t breathe.

Maen takes a few steps forward, and taking a bit of initiative, “quiets” her Qi, shifting it into that subtler, less noticeable shape which has served her so well so far. The trick she picked up during the beast tide serves her well, and soon, only the slightest hint of citrus fills the room at her presence. She might have gotten better at it, if even to Raika’s senses it’s gone so quiet.

It’s not enough for peace, not by a long shot, but it’s just a smidge less overwhelming than the moment before. She’s already been through more painful experiences, but it’s still… uncomfortable, being like this. Hyper-aware of every part of her. Hyper-aware of everything around her. It’s–

Ok. Maybe it’s a little more than uncomfortable.

The scent, muted but not gone, is… better.

Kaena, taking some invisible cue or maybe just recognizing the wisdom of Maen’s action, circulates their Qi in the air; while they seem unable to keep it from leaking out into a haze around them, they do slowly push and pull it away until it’s mostly on the side of the room furthest from Raika and the bed. It’s… probably not as effective as they intended, Raika thinks, but it’s still better.

“Raika,” Kaena says softly, “would you prefer to keep lying still? Or would you rather stand?”

Raika takes a long, slow breath. The breathing helps. Sometimes it doesn’t, when the scent and sense of Qi get too close and she can taste them, but here, as the two visitors do their best to limit her exposure, it helps. 

It’s a valid question. She could probably stay upright for days without any pain, and maybe having a smaller point of contact with gravity might help.

But the thought of moving is…

She stays still, forcing the absolute avalanche of new and strange and myriad systems to shift until they’re mostly at rest.

She’s gotten used to the robes, and the sheets are soft enough that they only feel a little abrasive rather than the skin-peeling sensitivity they elicited earlier. It still takes a few calming breaths for her to slow down all the way and un-tense again. Kaena stands off the bed, stepping off to the side to let Raika stretch out and give Maen a place to take their spot instead.

“We’re going to start basic,” they say, voice still soft. “Maen, I want you to pick up Raika’s hand. Raika, I want you to stay perfectly still, and just let your hand get picked up. Do what you can not to move it.”

Slowly, gently, Maen follows orders. Raika… struggles a bit. Physical touch hits, and its warm and full of vibration and movement and- mmh. It takes her a moment of cold focus to stop her hand from spasming a bit at the attention her brain is paying to it. It doesn’t help that her hand (or arm?) is heavy enough to surprise Maen with the weight, and that, coupled with the fact that she didn’t even have a left hand not too long ago, makes trying to keep from sending signals to it… difficult.

They manage.

“Maen,” Kaena whispers, “I want you to gently massage Raika’s hand. Feel out the muscle groups. See how the fingers move. Raika, I want you to keep as still as you can, and watch. We’re going to start matching how your hand feels to what parts of it feel new, and it should hopefully get you started on feeling comfortable with it. It’s ok not to be comfortable right now, there’s a gorgeous young woman quite close to you, but we’ll get there, hmm?”

A bit of time passes like this. Fingers, then palm, then wrist, and all the while Raika does her best to just pay attention and stay still. She lets herself be inactive, and while it’s not yet very restful, considering how much effort it takes to keep from moving, it’s still… nice.

She thinks back, trying to distract herself and pay attention at the same time. The last person to give her actual, genuinely positive physical contact was… maybe Li Shu. It hadn’t ever felt particularly intimate, not really; Li Shu didn’t ever really seem to feel any awkwardness examining her, and she’d seen Raika at her absolute lowest more than once. There was always a very clinical feeling there, in spite of the emotional proximity. So… besides medical checks and the occasional hug from a friend, when was the last time someone had touched her and it hadn’t hurt?

Does she deserve it?

She lets that thought go before it makes her think too hard. 

It’s ok. She’s here. It doesn’t hurt now. And her punishment isn’t stopped, just paused.

Before that, then.

Hisheng, probably. And Qi Rou before him, and Salas before her, and Jun Koi before them, and so on for a little ways back further. Quick romances, flings, either amidst other sect disciples or on the road. 

Hisheng had been the first one in a long time where she had stayed. He’d been the one to help her learn to stay, to lie together in more than just the direct way. He’d been the one who offered first, and it had been… enlightening. It’s why she had stayed so long. It hadn’t felt like it would last, not really, he was far too timid in the dangers he was willing to accept, much too traditional and “by the book” in terms of the rules of the sect… but he had been kind. And he had been gentle. And she hadn’t needed to ask for either of those things for him to give them. They might not have lasted forever, but… he was good for her.

And then the tournament. Her crippling. 

She never even got a letter. Not that she would have had an address to receive it at, but…

Two years. Two years without something as warm as someone holding her hand and rolling her wrist around to see if she’s ok.

She takes long, slow, deep breaths and tries to focus on her wrist.

“Good,” she hears Kaena whisper. “Raika? Alright to move up?”

Raika nods.

They go slow. It takes time, and Kaena makes sure they both have plenty of it.

They work they way up to her shoulder, then down the other side, and finally down her legs, rolling her ankles, bending her knee one way and then the other.

Maen’s face heats up slowly the whole time, tan skin turning cherry in places. Raika is breathing more, trying to keep things simple, trying to hold down the feeling, make it into something calm. She is made of new muscle, new systems, new flesh, and they’re just exploring how it- nope, that’s also pretty intense.

And Maen’s smell keeps shifting. Not her Qi; she is a good girl, and keeps that nice and quiet, but the scent of her. Of flesh. Of the flush or hormones and heat and drops of sweat.

Raika breathes. Long. Slow. Quiet. Tries her best to ignore the churning in her stomach, the mix of shame and panic and plain heat. It’s not a mix she’s used to, and she tries to focus, and there’s a lot she’d rather not be thinking about, and it-

A wash of peach touches the room. Light, very light, but enough to distract her, and apparently it does something to Maen as well, as she shivers and pauses.

“Sorry,” she mumbles, ever so quiet. “I, uh-”

“Breathe,” Kaena commands, their voice soft, gentle. “Usually this is more sexual, not less. There’s no shame in intimacy, nor any need for that fear. We can take our time.”

Maen blushes harder, and this time Raika can’t help but laugh a little, in spite of the overwhelming number of pieces it moves. It makes the smaller woman flick her ears and cover her face, flushing dark red. “Aaaaaah,” she lets out, low and quiet. “Sorry. Trying to help. You’re… distracting.”

Raika huffs. “Which part?” she asks. “You seem ever so distracted. I’d hate to make things difficult for you.”

“No, that’s-” Maen pauses, ears flicking wildly. “It’s… good difficult. Maybe. If you like. I don’t know.”

Raika still doesn’t feel comfortable, per se, but it’s… better. It’s enough that she can shift without needing to stop and do breathing exercises, so she does so. She sits up a bit, very aware of the fact that she’s wearing a big improvised robe and her skin and little else, and that if Maen hasn’t seen anything it’s more likely due to her politeness than any proper modesty.

“Which part distracts you?” she asks Maen.

“...Your eyes,” Maen says. “They… they glow a bit, I think. Maybe it’s just the light, but they’re red and gold and sort of shifting, kind of, and your pupils are…” she gulps. “They don’t look like anything I’ve seen before. And you keep… looking at me.”

A sniff of Qi floats by, and Raika makes sure she doesn’t laugh out loud at how Kaena is reacting to all this. For all their calm and composed exterior, the scent of ripened peaches and rich, syrupy cream is enough to let her know just how much the androgynous courtesan is raptly paying attention.

“Well,” Raika says, “you are touching me an awful lot. It’s only natural I’d want to keep an eye on you.”

Silly. Stupid. Terrible line. 

“Yes, I suppose that’s true,” Maen mumbles, apparently not noticing just how badly Raika’s fumbling. Considering how her ears keep flicking and her heart beats in time to Raika’s words, she doesn’t seem to mind.

Raika pauses. She takes a deep breath, then sits up. She lets her mind focus where it will, feeling the flesh of her abdomen, the muscles there, the new and strange shapes she’s so constantly aware of. Slowly, she… splits her focus. She lets her body say and be what it will, letting herself feel it, focusing on the exercises Kaena and Maen have been using on her, and opens her eyes and focuses on Maen despite the sensations.

“I’m glad you’re alive,” Raika whispers, like the words struggle to escape, like the wind might blow them away.

Maen opens her mouth as if to say something, and closes it again, and-

“You were so scared,” Raika says, just as soft, just as porcelain-delicate, as if afraid to give the words weight. “There were so many of them. When I felt that they wanted me, not you, I was so relieved.”

Maen pauses at that.

“Did you think I would be relieved at that?” She asks.

Raika blinks. “What do you-?”

“I was scared for you too, idiot,” Maen whispers, though there’s some heat to her now. “Acting like it’s all fine, so long as you were the only one getting hurt. Maybe this whole ‘escape’ of yours has been a proper nightmare, in a lot of ways, but we’re alive. Thanks to you, I’m not a dish-washer bowing to whatever disciple walks near me or glances my way. You’ve given off-hand comments useful enough to help me cultivate, when I’ve spent years barely able to feel my Qi. I'm even learning to hide so well that Yun Ka says makes it hard for even her magics to find me.

“I’m sure you’re terrified. I am too. And I know you’re hurting, but… horrors and monsters are part and parcel of life. Especially the lives of cultivators. And that’s something you’ve offered me, which I hold. I owe you, and I want to help, and-”

“And she thinks you’re absolutely radiant,” Kaena interrupts as Maen hesitates for a beat too long. “Especially when you’re busy being violent, but like this works too, no?”

Maen blushes again.

Raika hesitates in tandem with her, and can feel, loudly, the blood coloring her skin too.

In the wilds, running around self-destructively, hesitation meaning death, she’s been running on autopilot for over a week straight. Then she got a fucking vision and crawled out of a meat-cocoon. All that, part of her training herself to get over doubting her every action and to just react, and she’s forced to think again.

And then Kaena’s Qi reaches out, softly, and… it’s hard to tell via scent, but it kinda nudges her.

Raika reaches a hand, recently stretched, feeling like it’s almost hers, and cups Maen’s chin. She brings the smaller woman close, making her crawl forward to keep pace with Raika’s touch, until their faces are almost touching.

She thinks about saying something. Something quippy, or witty, or perfectly on point, something to transmit emotion or make her feel something she’s already feeling, or-

No.

Raika pulls Maen to her and kisses her, a thrumming sort of purr escaping before she realizes she’s doing it as Maen melts into her arms.