Land of Wolves: Chapters 16-20 (Patreon)

Chapter 16

I’m jumping into action the second Caleb’s out the door.

My lips still tingle from the long goodbye kiss he gave me, and I resist the urge to bring a hand to my mouth and feel them as I head into the kitchen in search of a knife. Caleb does a fair bit of cooking, so I’m not sure I’ll find one he won’t notice is gone, but it’s the best place to start my search.

I hum quietly to myself in a sad attempt to stop my brain from running, not wanting to think too deeply about what I’m doing. Preparing to kill my mate has the bond between us unhappy, the painful tugging in my chest near impossible to ignore.

I only hope that emotion isn’t reflected in Caleb.

When we first met, I thought he was dumb. He plays the part of a blind, trusting male perfectly. The more time we’ve spent together, though, the clearer it’s become he knows more than he lets on. I’ve been trained to read into questions asked and analyze even the slightest involuntary inflections of a voice since I was a young girl.

I thought I was well prepared for Caleb and that fooling him would be a breeze, but I’m starting to worry about how much is getting past him.

Can he sense something’s up with me?

I’ve made mistakes during a few meetings in his office, and I’m unsure how much they’ve tipped him off.

Looking at him was a stupid thing to do. He called upon the two Alphas from the fighting packs up north and let me sit in his office during their meeting. I had my book and was fully prepared to play dumb, but the second I detected a lie from one of the Alphas, I accidentally glanced up at Caleb.

He blinked and glanced at me, but the slight twitch of his lip told me he had picked up on it. Looking at him made it clear that I picked up on it, too.

I should have left it at that.

A wiser woman would have left it at that, but I liked how he dipped his head afterward and returned his attention to the two Alphas. He was proud of me, and the stupid fucking bond between us loved that.

We made a game of it, looking at one another whenever something off was said. Caleb noticed the same things I did, and a few times I caught him glancing at me when I wasn’t expecting it.

He was hearing things I wasn’t picking up on.

Never a good sign.

The way he worded his follow-up questions and observations to the two Alphas were impressive, too, the man phrasing things in a way that made it impossible for them to answer without outright lying.

It’s scary and only further fuels my need to kill him and leave as soon as possible.

Not only is Caleb deadly, a fact I knew but momentarily forgot, but he’s also intelligent.

It’s only a matter of time before he sees through me.

The kitchen is still messy from breakfast, but I ignore it as I pull open all the drawers looking for a spare knife to use. I have high hopes for the junk drawer he keeps, but there’s nothing more than a few batteries and a tiny pocket knife.

Fuck.

I grab and flick it open, but I already know it won’t work.

Caleb is strong, and there won’t be time for me to hack away at him with a tiny pocket knife. I need to take him out with one strike, and this would take at least six.

Still, I take it with me just in case.

HPAW has done much testing, and we’ve learned the easiest and most definite way to take out a wolf is to stab them in the heart. Their bodies heal too quickly for anything else and as well trained as I am, I’m still no match for a wounded wolf.

Realistically, I only have one shot.

If worst comes to worst, I can try to use the pocket knife to slit his jugular, but I’ll need to do it quickly and deep enough that he bleeds out before it heals.

Continuing my search, I head upstairs and into the small spare room he uses as a home office. I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen him work out of here before, and he hasn’t made any efforts to decorate it like he has his main one.

The walls are bare, and the only furniture is a wooden desk and an uncomfortable-looking office chair. There aren’t even seats for visitors, and I frown as I approach his desk and pull open the drawers.

Empty.

Just my fucking luck.

The rest of my search is just as useless, and I head back to the kitchen to check one last time if there’s a knife I can steal. He has a set of sharp cooking ones, but I have a feeling he’d notice if one went missing.

I suppose I could wait on hiding the knife until the night before I plan to kill him.

I’d have to be sneaky, but I could ask him to get something for me from the store or something. The other night when I had a bad craving for chocolate donuts, he went to the bakery and grabbed me one without hesitation.

Do I have it in me to hide the knife I plan to kill him with while he’s doing something kind for me?

I replay the memory of him spitting in that human man’s face before breaking his neck. He executed them without a second thought, then returned to me and pretended nothing had happened. There was no remorse, no change in attitude.

He smiled and stuck his hand down my pants as if he really had just gone outside to check a magazine shipment.

If he can do it, I can do it too.

Checking the time, I’m happy to see only a few hours have passed in my search. I was thorough and careful to put everything back exactly where I found it. Caleb will be able to smell that I was in every corner and spot in his home, but hopefully he’ll think I was bored and pacing.

I’ve been getting into the habit of doing that every once and a while when he’s around, wanting to get the image of me wandering back and forth in his mind.

The only thing I have left to do is memorize the roads I’ll need to take to reach HPAW’s agreed-upon meeting point, but that should be easy enough to do.

Grabbing my computer, I pull up the maps and zoom in until I can see the individual roads. In an ideal world, I could type in the coordinates of the meeting point and let the computer decide the best route for me, but I don’t know if my computer searches are being monitored and I don’t want to take the risk of giving my destination away.

Instead, I create a path myself. I use the tiny distance measurer on the screen to estimate how far it is from me and how long it will take to get there. I’m assuming the roads through the wolf-owned territories will be clear, but once I reach the human-inhabited areas I should be, at least for the most part, in the clear.

We didn’t know where Caleb’s home base was when we agreed upon a point, and with a frown, I estimate it’s about a six-hour drive. I’ll need to get gas within that time, but if I leave with a full tank I should be able to make it to the human area before needing to refuel.

The area between the wolf and human territories is desolate and I could be in massive trouble if I run out of gas there, but I’ll keep an eye on it while driving and make a call.

It’s not even a guarantee that the stations within the wolf lands will have actual gas. They don’t use vehicles, and I’m sure most of the underground tanks will be empty. Not to mention that when it gets out I’ve killed Caleb, the wolves will be looking for me.

A human getting gas in their lands will be a dead giveaway as to where I’m going, and I’d rather not lead them to HPAW if I can help it.

I clean the kitchen and throw in some laundry between staring at the computer screen, giving my mind little breaks to see how much I remember.

I’ll probably have to spend days staring at the screen. It’s essential I have every twist and turn embedded in my brain. One wrong move and I’ll be stranded, making all of this for nothing.

When it nears the time for Caleb to come home, I close out my tabs and use my computer to play some music instead. I hate myself so fucking much for it, but Caleb introduced me to some indie band and I’ve been obsessed with their music.

HPAW never really gave me music to listen to, and I’m quickly growing fond of it.

It’s so nice to have on and helps me relax when my mind gets so full I’m pretty sure I will explode.

“You’re home early,” I shout when I hear the front door open.

Caleb told me he would be home early today, but I pretend not to have remembered so he thinks this is what I do when he’s gone all day. I clean up, listen to music, and snack on fruit.

I’m a happy and content mate.

My pulse races when he rounds the corner into the kitchen, the broad smile on his face making me feel things I hate. He’s so fucking beautiful, and I find myself momentarily forgetting how to breathe as he rounds the counter and pulls me into his arms.

“I missed you,” he breathes.

My heart skips a beat.

Why does he have to say such sweet things like this? I’m doing my absolute best to keep him at a distance, but he’s hell-bent on making that as hard as possible.

I replay the image of him spitting on and killing those men again. It’s become an effective way to keep my emotions in check, and I’m happy when it works and I feel my softness for him diminish just a tiny little bit.

With great effort, I pull myself out of his arms and head to the liquor cabinet in the dining room.

He watches but doesn’t stop me as I pour us two large glasses of red wine. Sometimes having a few drinks makes being around him less painful.

“How was your day?” I ask.

Caleb shrugs and accepts the drink with a smile. His eyes follow me as I clear my throat and walk into his arms afterward. I can’t put too much distance between us or he’ll know something’s up.

The bond between us feels soothing but not nearly as good as the feeling of Caleb wrapping his arms around my waist and holding me to him. His heart beats loudly under my ear, and I close my eyes to listen.

Soon, it will be still.

“My day was boring, as always. Sash and Cole invited us to a small get-together they’re hosting tonight.” He states.

I lick my lips. I see them both frequently in the office but haven’t ever really spent time with them outside of that. Things with Sash have been a bit awkward since she burst into Caleb’s office with Grace, and Cole is friendly but usually too busy to chat.

“Do you want to go?” I ask, plastering a nervous smile on my face.

It might be good to be around the other wolves and see how they interact. I’m also lonely being stuck in Caleb’s house all day.

He doesn’t answer for a long moment, choosing instead to stare into my eyes trying to decide if I’m excited or not. I nod, the movement slight but telling.

“Grace will probably be there,” he warns.

I shrug.

I appreciate his desire to keep me and the female apart, but I don’t mind. I understand why he chose her as his backup wife and it’s not like I have a lot of room to be jealous. My history with men is a thousand times worse than Caleb’s is with other women.

“I’d love to go. I want to get to know your sister better.” I decide.

The way Caleb beams tells me that was the correct answer, and I make a mental note to see if I can find a knife in her home as I run upstairs to get dressed.

Chapter 17

Caleb’s hand is warm in mine, and I instinctively lean against his arm as the cool wintery air hits my cheeks and whips my hair all around my face. A strand finds its way into my mouth, and I curse before spitting it out and glancing at Caleb to ensure he didn’t see.

He’s not looking in my direction, but I know he did.

Nothing gets passed him.

My pulse races as we approach Sash’s house. It’s a cute brick cottage with black trim and vines growing up the sides. Caleb gives my fingers a gentle squeeze before pushing open the iron gate that leads up a cobblestone walkway.

I bet the humans that lived in this house before being forced away by the wolves loved it.

I can see bodies moving behind the thin curtains and feel my nerves spike as I realize how many people are here. There’s a tiny sliver where the curtains don’t obstruct the view, and I’m happy to note that I recognize everybody I can see.

Most of them are frequent visitors of Caleb’s office, which I suppose isn’t too surprising. Sash and Cole are high up in the pack hierarchy, so it makes sense that they’d spend most of their time with the same people Caleb does.

I’m just glad I’m not going to be surrounded by complete strangers. I’ve never been to a party before and this makes it a bit less dreadful.

Caleb comes to a halt just outside Sash’s front door before spinning so he can kiss me. His lips are soft, and I hate the way I sigh into them. His mere touch has my pulse slowing, my body picking up his silent cues and relaxing.

This damned bond is going to be the death of me.

“Are you okay?” He whispers as he pulls away. “I’ll be by your side all night, and we can leave whenever you want.”

I plaster a smile on my lips and nod.

“I’m great,” I lie.

Caleb doesn’t look like he believes my statement, but he doesn’t embarrass me by questioning it. I’m sure the wolves inside can hear us through the door, and I’d rather not walk inside with them all knowing how nervous I am.

I meet Caleb’s gaze head-on until he sighs and turns back to Sash’s door. He doesn’t bother knocking, and I follow behind as he pushes it open and welcomes himself inside.

Sash is on us in seconds, her beaming smile the first thing I notice before a drink is pushed into my hand and my arm is grabbed. I turn and shoot Caleb a panicked look as his sister drags me away, but he only shrugs.

What happened to being by my side all night? Dirty fucking liar.

Sash takes it upon herself to introduce me to everybody, even the people I’ve already met, and I try not to flush too deeply by the way she loudly announces over and over again that I’m Caleb’s mate. I had no idea how the wolves would react to their Alpha having a human as a mate, but they hardly seem to care.

If they do, they sure do a good job hiding it.

Every once in a while, I catch somebody glancing at the mark on my hand. It’s almost always followed by a scrunched nose and pursed lips.

I don’t like it and stick my hand in the front pocket of the giant sweatshirt Caleb forced over my head before leaving the house this evening. At first, I hated that he was putting me in what is essentially a sack, but now I’m glad to have a place to hide my hand.

A part of me I hate to acknowledge is embarrassed over the color of my mark. It’s so dark, and now that I know why, I find myself ashamed of it. When I was within the HPAW facility, I detested that I even had one, but now I hate that I’ve ruined it.

Deep down, I wish mine was light like everybody else’s. I wish many things were different, but that’s not the life I was given.

I make polite conversation with everybody Sash drags me over to, but my eyes continuously dart around in search of Caleb.

Every once and a while I’ll catch sight of him, his height making it easy. Without fail, every time he’s already looking at me, his gaze heavy as he stares me down. The look is intimidating but doesn’t bother me much. I like it and am more than a little flattered by how he’s keeping tabs on me.

He’d be over here at the first sign of discomfort.

The realization makes my cheeks warm, and I clear my throat before forcing myself to stay calm. The wolves can probably smell my arousal, and Caleb will never let me hear the end of it if he notices. He’d find way too much enjoyment out of me getting all worked up just because I like how he watches me.

I take a sip of my drink, only half listening to the conversation happening around me as I watch Caleb grin and laugh at a joke the man he’s talking to must have said. He looks so at ease, but this must be second nature to him.

He’s the Alpha of these wolves, of all of them, and there’s no reason for him to be nervous. He doesn’t need to impress or earn their affection. He was born with it, and they follow his word as law.

It must be nice.

When I catch sight of Grace, his backup fiance, standing in the same small circle as Caleb, I find my legs carrying me over before I give them permission. I hate looking like a jealous woman, but the mate bond doesn’t seem to have the same reservations as it urges me to approach my male and tuck myself into his side.

It actually urges me to do more than that, but it’ll be a cold day in hell before I bend over and ask him to fuck me in front of all these people.

“Ev,” Caleb greets, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. “This is my mate, Evelyn.”

The way he says mate makes me flush. His tone is so full of pride and excitement that it physically hurts. I’m no mate to him. At least not one he wants.

In only a few short days, I’m going to be burying a knife in his chest.

I wonder if everybody else can feel the tension between Grace and me or if it’s only me that finds it suffocating. Now that I’m here, I realize she’s not exactly in the same small group as Caleb. He had turned his body away from hers, subtly dividing the group into two.

My lips curl into a smile as I say hello to everybody. Sash has already introduced me to them, and I clear my throat and take a sip of my drink before turning to Caleb.

He takes a few steps back, removing us from the group, before sliding a hair around the back of my head and pulling me closer. I can feel his breath on my lips, and I close my eyes as I wait for him to bring his down on mine.

I don’t have to wait long, and I resist the urge to sigh as he closes the distance and kisses me. I’m expecting a quick one like when we were outside, but instead, he tilts his head to the side and slips his tongue between my lips.

Oh.

Heat pools in my abdomen as he wraps an arm around my waist and presses me entirely against him. It feels good, and I blindly reach to the side and set my cup down before curling my fingers into the fabric of his shirt.

He moans into my mouth, the noise louder than it probably should be considering we’re in a room full of wolves who are known for their impeccable hearing.

Fuck.

I can feel his arousal pressing against my stomach, and it takes everything in me to pull away and put some distance between us.

I wouldn’t necessarily describe myself as shy, but any more of this and I’ll be forcing Caleb outside so I can take him in his car. Our bond pulsates as he squeezes my waist and brings his cheek to mine. He’s only done this once before, and I try not to react when his stubbly skin presses against mine.

The chatting in the room quiets, and I can tell there are many eyes on us.

Caleb doesn’t seem to care, though, as he holds his cheek to mine for a moment longer before pulling away. I believed him when he said it was an apology between mates, but given everybody’s reaction, I’m starting to think he left some details out.

When Sash and Grace did it to me, Caleb said it meant they were placing me above them.

I feel my face and neck grow red. Fucking Caleb. Did he symbolically place me above him in front of all these people? That’s a big gesture considering how much these wolves value hierarchy.

“Are you having fun?” Caleb asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

The chatter around the room returns, and I can’t seem to control my cheesy grin as I nod. In all honesty, I am. The wolves are friendly to me, and if it weren’t for the fact that I’m about to murder their leader and run, there are a few I’d even consider wanting to be friends with.

I’ve never had friends before, at least not real ones, and I hope I’ll be able to make a few when I return to the humans after completing my mission.

HPAW promised I’ll be able to leave hiding and have a life outside their facility.

I doubt my training will translate much in the real world, but I’m not looking for much. I’ll be more than content with an easy, low-stress life. Maybe I could find some small town to make my home in.

A place where everybody knows everybody.

That sounds perfect.

“I’m having a great time,” I state.

Caleb licks his lips, his eyes darting around the room once more before he pulls me into his arms and kisses me again. I laugh but don’t put up a fight.

“Let’s get you another drink,” he whispers, sliding his lips to my ear. “I like when you get tipsy and loud.”

My eyes narrow, and I shoot him what I hope is a very menacing glare as I take his hand and walk to the kitchen for a refill. Caleb doesn’t make another for himself, but that’s not surprising. I’ve never seen him have more than one or two drinks.

He claims it’s because he hates the feeling of losing control, which I understand even if I hate it. Killing him would be much easier if I could get him drunk first.

Still, for a man who insists on always being sober, he sure does love giving me drinks.

He grins every time I have more than three, his eyes following me with glee as I walk around our home making a fool of myself.

“You’re a bad influence,” I tease, accepting the cup he holds for me.

I watched him mix it and know it’s strong enough to make my eyes water. Caleb is skilled at many things, but it seems making good drinks is where he draws the line. Still, I fight with everything I have not to wince as I take a sip and follow him back into the living room.

This time he doesn’t let Sash pull me away, and when she convinces me to play a game of beer pong, he follows me like a lost puppy to the table. I’ve never played this game before, but I’ve seen videos of it on the internet.

It seems easy enough.

Grace wanders over to watch, but she keeps her distance. Objectively I know I have no reason to dislike her. She’s been nothing but polite to me, and it’s not like she and Caleb ever had a real relationship.

He chose her because they’re good friends and her mate is dead.

It makes sense. I know that.

Still, I find myself leaning into Caleb’s chest every chance I get. He seems more than happy to play along, the man keeping a hand on me even when I step forward to take my turns.

It turns out I’m not very good at beer pong, and I lose my game comically fast.

“Let’s play another!” Sash urges.

I laugh and wave her away, uninterested in losing again. She pouts but eventually convinces Cole to play her. Caleb and I step back to watch, and I take this opportunity to size him up.

My understanding of the wolves’ hierarchy isn’t complete, but I’m pretty sure Cole will take over when Caleb dies.

He’s not quite as large as Caleb, nor does he command the same respect, but the wolves still seem to like him. They’ll follow him without putting up too much of a fuss.

I sip my drink as I watch the way he moves, mentally committing everything to memory for when I return to HPAW. It will be good for me to give them intel on the new leader, even if it’s seemingly useless information about how he plays beer pong.

You never know what’s going to be helpful.

They’ll be pissed when they realize the wolves they spent months watching were Caleb’s sister and second in command. If they’d known, they would’ve killed the pair when they had the opportunity and found a different way to get me to Caleb.

I gulp.

The fact that they didn’t realize it doesn’t make me as upset as it once did. I’m almost glad. I like Sash and am glad she’s wasn’t killed. She’ll become a target once Cole steps into the role of Alpha, but maybe I can convince HPAW to spare her.

They don’t intend to kill all the wolves, just to dismantle them until they submit to us again.

“Do you want another drink?” Caleb asks, peering over my shoulder into my cup.

I shake my head. His first is already making me spacier than I’d care to be. Fuck. He really does make them strong.

“Are you trying to get me drunk?” I tease, spinning around.

Caleb grins, and I copy the expression as he lifts his shoulders and shrugs like a guilty young boy. The action is cuter than it has any business being, and I watch him through my eyelashes as I take another sip of my drink.

His smile grows.

“I want to take you home,” he decides.

I snort and gesture around the room.

“We just got here!” I laugh.

Caleb takes my empty cup and hands it to some poor random passerby. The wolf looks startled before he composes himself and takes the cup away.

I open my mouth to scold him for being rude, but I’m being thrown over his shoulder and carried out of the house before I get any words out. I’m faintly aware of whistles and hoots being thrown in our direction, and I hide my face into Caleb’s back with a smile.

It’s dangerous for me to enjoy this as much as I am.

Chapter 18

Rolling onto my side, I shove my hands under my head and watch Caleb’s chest rise and fall with breath. His fingertips rest against my thigh, the man needing to touch me even in his sleep. I have a feeling if I were to move to the side even the slightest bit, he’d extend his arm so he’s still in contact with me.

I gulp and stare at the spot where I’m going to sink my knife into him. There’s a bit of stubble on his neck, the hair having grown since he shaved this morning. I like the look of it, and I like even more the feel of it when he nestles his face against mine.

The large vein in his neck pulses with each beat of his heart, full of blood that fuels his brain. Humans die within fifteen seconds when their jugular is cut, but I’m not sure how long it will take Caleb to die. Wolves heal faster than us, and his body will fight harder to stay alive.

I hope it doesn’t take long.

I know I shouldn’t, but I want to stay with him until he’s dead. Seeing the light in his eyes dull will be torture, but I need to do it. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t. As much as I hate it, the mate bond has taken a firm hold of me. I can’t leave him here to die alone.

I just can’t.

Caleb crinkles his nose in his sleep, the action much cuter than it has any business being. I feel my lips curling into a soft smile as I watch. I wonder what he’s dreaming about. A small part of me hopes it’s me.

I selfishly like the idea of being the person he thinks about in his sleep.

Licking my lips, I lean in and place my lips on the vein. I want to see his reaction time. He stirs, his head tilting back so I have more room to kiss. That’s a good sign.

I was scared he’d jolt awake the moment his neck was touched.

It’s a vulnerable spot, but Caleb’s instinct isn’t to protect it when I’m in bed with him. That will probably change when it’s a knife touching him and not my lips, but I can’t exactly test that theory without raising alarms.

Caleb lets out a sleepy moan, and I carefully rise and plant a hand on either side of his head. He still doesn’t move, and I give him another kiss before sinking my teeth into his skin.

That seems to alert him, and before I can register what’s happening, I’m on my back and he’s above me. His eyes are wide open, his sudden alertness concerning. If he wakes this abruptly when I cut him, he’ll still be able to pin and kill me before the blood loss makes him weak.

“What are you doing?” he asks, peering down at me.

A piece of hair falls over his eye, and I instinctively reach up to push it back. He needs to get a trim.

“Biting you,” I answer.

Caleb blinks, his hands loosening where they pin mine to the bed. He drops to his elbows, bringing our faces closer before his lips find mine. I sigh into the kiss, my body warming when he tilts his head to the side and deepens it.

“Why?” he breathes, pulling away.

I shrug.

“I thought wolves liked that. I’m marking you,” I say.

Wolves don’t mark, but the books humans love to read often include some sort of bite. We romanticize it, and I’m going to play that to my benefit. I wanted to see Caleb’s speed when a real threat was brought to his neck, and that’s precisely what I got.

Even if the reaction wasn’t what I was hoping for.

Caleb’s too quick, and killing him isn’t going to be easy. Not that I ever thought it would be.

He sinks his teeth into his bottom lip, his attempt to hold back a laugh not exactly successful. I force my expression into a pout, hoping the next part of my plan works. I want to see if there’s any further detail about how to kill a wolf I can pry out of him. I’d specifically love to know if a part of him is weaker than the others.

“I had a dream you were killed, and I thought if I bit you, I’d be able to feel your emotions or something and know you’re safe,” I say.

Caleb hums but doesn’t immediately respond. I continue to pout, but deep down, fear begins to take root. He’s not reacting the way I thought he would, ruining the entire second half of my plan.

I suck my cheeks into my mouth and look away, proud of myself for being able to cry on command. If being an assassin doesn’t work out, I’ve got a budding career as an actress waiting for me. I stare at the ceiling, refusing to make eye contact.

“Don’t cry, baby,” Caleb whispers, cupping my cheeks and urging me to look at him. “I’m not going anywhere.”

I give an exaggerated gulp before sucking in a shaky breath. It times out perfectly with a tear falling out of my eye, and Caleb wipes it away before rolling onto his side and pulling me into his arms. This is the reaction I was expecting, and I curl in his arms and bury my face in his chest.

“What if you get hurt? Humans hate you,” I sob.

Caleb coos and runs a hand down my spine.

“Nothing’s going to happen to me. Wolves are hard to kill,” he assures.

I ignore his words and throw my leg over his hip so I can better hold him to me. He lets me, and I squeeze him tightly before bringing my mouth back to his neck. My teeth barely graze the skin before he pulls away, his exhale loud.

“We don’t bite, baby,” he states, meeting my eye. “Our bonds aren’t like they are in the books. If we bit, don’t you think I’d have done that with you by now?” he continues, chuckling.

I frown, pretending his light teasing has hurt my feelings.

I need him to think I’m genuinely torn up at the idea of him being hurt. I need him to give me information in his attempt to comfort me.

“I don’t want to lose you,” I say.

Caleb nods, his eyebrows pulling together as he brushes my hair out of my face and wipes again at my cheeks.

“You’re not,” he promises.

I shake my head, refusing to believe it. Caleb continues to assure me of his health and strength, and I force out more tears to try and make him panicky. He doesn’t like when I’m upset, and it’s only a matter of time before he gives me some helpful information in his attempt to calm me down.

“I don’t want you to die,” I choke. “I love you.”

Caleb stills. Fuck. I did not mean to say that. Guilt consumes every inch of my body as his face lights up, and my fake tears turn real as I watch a wide grin spread over his lips. He looks so happy, and I feel a piece of my heart crack as he pulls me into his arms and rolls himself on top of me.

He’s careful not to apply too much weight, but he still applies enough pressure that I’m trapped underneath him. His face is buried in my neck, and when he pulls away and I notice his eyes are misty, I want to fucking die.

I can’t do this.

How could HPAW send me here and ask me to kill him? They know I’m his mate, and this would be impossible. Every part of me longs for him. I need him.

“I love you too, baby,” he whispers.

He sounds earnest, so fucking earnest.

I smile, unable to continue with my crying act. He didn’t give me any helpful information, but I don’t care. I can’t sit here and continue to pry. Not now. Not when he’s looking at me like I’m his fucking savior or some shit.

I just can’t.

Caleb slots himself between my thighs. We’re both naked, and I gasp as he slides his already hard length against my core.

Fuck, that feels good.

I roll my hips, rubbing against him as he sits up and grabs my waist. The way he looks at me fucking hurts, and I stare at his abs as they flex with each movement he makes. He grabs hold of his cock and gives it a stroke, his mate mark on full display as he twists his fist around the tip of himself.

“Do you want me?” he asks.

I should say no. Sex is only making things harder.

Instead, I nod.

My chest heaves as he brings runs the tip of himself up and down my slit, teasing me in the worst way possible. I want to feel him inside me. I want to shut my eyes and pretend for a moment that we’re a regular couple and I don’t have to kill him.

I hate that this is how my life has turned out, and I wish HPAW had never found me. I’d rather live in blissful ignorance of the wolves and their crimes. I want to be Caleb’s mate, and I want to pop out his stupid fucking children and live a happy life.

Knowledge has ruined that for me.

Caleb leans over me, bringing his face so close I have no choice but to meet his eye.

“I love you so fucking much, Evelyn, and I’m so honored you’re my mate,” he whispers.

I gasp, my heart cracking as he lines himself up and pushes inside. There’s a slight stretch, always is, and I wiggle underneath him as he works himself into me. His cock is so warm, and I moan when his hips meet mine and I’m completely stuffed.

Fuck.

Caleb grunts as he pulls back and looks down at where we connect. A second later he’s slamming into me, his length hitting all the right places. It feels incredible, and I grab his shoulders and hold them while he fucks me.

“You’re mine,” I gasp, reaching down to hold the base of him.

He hisses as I curl my fingers around his shaft, his eyes comically wide as I stroke him while he’s fucking me.

“This is mine,” I continue.

Caleb nods and brings a hand to my clit. He rubs the sensitive nerves in the way he’s learned I like best, and I curse as I begin to feel the beginnings of an orgasm coiling in my belly.

“All yours. This cock is all yours,” Caleb promises. “You’re the only woman who will ever feel me, who will ever take me. Nobody but you.”

I moan, my newly discovered possessive side loving hearing him say those words. Caleb is mine.

He continues to rub me, and he smiles when my breath hitches and I dig my fingers into his bicep. I’m going to cum. Caleb fucks me through it, remaining steady in his thrusts until I arch my back and fall apart underneath him.

Only once he’s sure I’ve finished does he adjust, grabbing my thighs and pushing them against my chest so he can better drive into me. This angle allows him to get deeper, and I wrap my arms around the back of my knees and hold myself open for him.

“Harder,” I order.

Caleb frowns, his lip curling before he begins to drive in deeper.

“Harder, Caleb.” I urge, knowing he can fuck rougher than that.

He’s a wolf, for fuck’s sake.

I want it to hurt. I need it to. It’s the least of what I deserve for what I’ve done to him. Caleb moans, his lips meeting mine in a sloppy kiss as he begins to slam into me. He pants into my mouth, the noise drowned out by the sound of our slapping skin.

Caleb’s thrusts grow sloppy as he nears his orgasm, and I arch my back and press my breasts into his chest. I know he likes them, the man always staring, and I even reach up and pinch my nipples so he has something good to look at when he cums.

This is the last time we’ll ever have sex and I want it to be perfect for him.

“Cum in me,” I beg.

Caleb stares at me with wide eyes.

“Are you sure?”

I’m not ovulating right now, but if I get pregnant, I’ll get an abortion once I return to the humans. I want to give this experience to Caleb before he dies.

“Yes. Please!” I beg, wrapping my legs around his waist.

He moans, reconnecting his lips with mine before grabbing my hips and lifting them in the air so he has better leverage. He holds them as he fucks me, moving me how he likes until he curls his body over mine and stills.

The noises falling from his lips are filthy, and I imprint them to memory as my cheeks grow wet. I can’t control them despite how hard I try, and when I let out a sob, he pulls away with a shaky smile. He thinks I’m crying because I’m happy.

Caleb pulls me into his chest, holding me still as his cock falls out of me and his cum drips down my thighs. I’d love the feeling if it weren’t for what it signifies. He thinks he’s getting me pregnant and starting our family. I’m giving him something good to experience before I kill him.

He hugs me tightly, and I close my eyes as my ear is pressed to his chest and I hear his heart beating. It’s fast, probably a result of his orgasm, and I listen as it slowly returns to a normal rhythm.

His heart is steady, and I dread the day it no longer beats.

“I love you,” I whisper, hating myself for saying it.

I hate myself even more for meaning it.

Caleb is everything I want, and I hope we find one another in a different life. I don’t believe in reincarnation, but if it’s real, I fucking pray we’re given another opportunity.

Chapter 19

Caleb isn’t sneaky in his glances, but I find I don’t mind.

I like when he looks at me.

Besides, it’s not like I don’t do the same thing to him. I take every opportunity I have to watch him.

I readjust the pillow I lean against before shoving my toes further under Caleb’s legs. He’s wearing a pair of dangerously short exercise shorts tonight, and I’m taking full advantage of the exposed thighs.

They’re warm and act as the perfect weighted blanket for my feet.

“Can I have a bite?” Caleb asks, eyeing my lava cake.

And here I was, thinking he was looking at me. Caleb licks his lips, and I resist the urge to laugh as I cut a piece of my cake and hold it out for him. He moves slowly so it doesn’t drop on the couch and moans dramatically as he closes his lips around my fork.

He ate his piece within seconds, the man not understanding the concept of savoring his desserts. He’s lucky I don’t mind sharing with him.

It’s the least I can do.

Caleb’s throat bobs as he swallows, his eyes bright with mischief as he returns to his position at the end of the couch. For a wolf who spends his free time murdering humans, he sure enjoys watching our sports.

The announcer on the television drones on about the most recent play, something about the quarterback being sacked, but I’m not paying it any attention. I don’t care much for sports, especially American football.

I bite the inside of my cheek to avoid laughing as Caleb leans forward and wrings his hands together. He looks nervous. It’s a close game, and I’m not eager to see his sad pout when his team loses. The game aired hours ago, but Caleb was busy and recorded it to watch later.

I looked up the final score the moment it ended.

His lips move to form silent words as the men line up, and he scoffs and throws himself against the back of the couch as the announcer shouts something about an interception.

“Have you always been interested in watching grown men rub against one another?” I tease.

The glare Caleb shoots me is frosty. He doesn’t like when I tease him for his borderline obsession. It’s a shame I love to do it so much. It’s too easy to get him all riled up.

I lift my hands in a gesture of peace before returning to my phone. I found a new book yesterday and can’t seem to put it down. It’s some dark romance about a woman who’s purchased by three demons, and I’m going to scream if they don’t have sex soon.

I’m halfway through book two, for fuck’s sake.

“I can smell your arousal, you know?”

I glance over my phone at him. He’s not looking at me, but I see the corner of his lip twitch as he slides his hand up my calf. I haven’t shaved in a few days, but he hardly seems to care about the stubble.

I could probably stop shaving altogether and he wouldn’t care.

The realization makes me pause, and I clear my throat and move my leg away. I can’t keep letting myself get pulled into him.

“Keep sniffing, pretty boy, because that’s all you’re getting.”

I need to keep my wits about me tonight.

“You’re lucky I’m not an insecure male,” Caleb teases, turning and climbing over me. “Wolves are territorial. Most would be quite upset if their mate were aroused thinking about another man.”

I crack a smile, but it doesn’t feel earnest.

This book is only to distract me. If I’m not throwing myself into a fantasy world, I’m thinking about Caleb. If I’m thinking about Caleb, I’m thinking about the knife I hid underneath my pillow earlier today.

Caleb kisses my nose before returning to his spot once the commercial ends and his game starts again.

There are only a few bites left of my cake, but I pretend I’m full and give Caleb the rest. The grateful smile he shoots in my direction has my heart constricting painfully in my chest. I’m not the good mate he thinks me to be.

Glancing at my hand, I turn it side to side as I look at my mark. It’s still just as dark as it was the day I came here, and I’m not looking forward to seeing how it changes after killing Caleb. At this point, I don’t think it can get much darker.

I disgraced our bond in every way imaginable before even meeting him.

It still shocks me how little he seems to care about that. If I were him, I’d be livid. I’d be demanding the names of every person he’s ever been with so I could drive a knife into their chest. I suppose he wasn’t kidding when he said I should be glad he’s not an insecure male.

Caleb is too good for me.

“Are you okay? You seem a bit off,” Caleb says, drawing my attention.

The game is long forgotten as he shifts the entirety of his attention to me. I crumble under his stare, not wanting him to dig. He’s too intelligent, and if he senses something is wrong, he’ll be on edge.

I need him relaxed and comfortable.

I turn off my phone and crawl into his lap, refusing to let any tears leak from my eyes. I want to hold him. I need to hold him.

Caleb spreads his arms and welcomes me into his chest, and I nudge my face into his neck and breathe in his musky scent. He always smells so good.

“My stomach hurts,” I lie. “I think I overate.”

I slide my hand underneath Caleb’s shirt, eager to feel his bare skin. He’s warm, and I trail my fingers over the hair between his pecs. He hums, and a second later I feel pressure on the base of my spine.

“Let me get you some medicine,” he says.

I shake my head, not ready to let him go.

“I’m okay. I’m feeling better already.”

My throat feels dry, and I stop speaking so Caleb doesn’t hear any wavering in my voice. He continues to rub my back, and eventually I sense his attention shifting back to the game. That’s good, and I press my ear against his chest to hear his heartbeat.

It’s strong and steady, and I love how it quickens whenever something good happens in his game.

I thought the wolves would be hugely different from the humans, but we’re more similar than I ever imagined. It makes sense considering they lived among us for hundreds of years and we never knew. The wolves were sneaky and blended in perfectly.

Caleb slides his hand under the back of my shirt and presses his palm against my spine. The touch is comforting, and I relax further onto him. I love being in his arms.

“I’d crawl into your skin if I could,” I whisper.

Caleb doesn’t miss a beat.

“That’s a really weird thing for you to say, Ev.”

He’s absolutely beaming when I pull back to look at him, and I crack a smile before dropping my cheek against his chest again. His warmth seeps through his shirt into me, the man practically a furnace.

I’m going to kill him tonight.

His warm body is going to grow stiff and cold. I’ll never get to feel his soft touch or hear his gravely voice again.

“Did you know most professional sports players back in the day were wolves?” Caleb asks, breaking the silence.

I didn’t know that, but I’m not surprised to hear it. The wolves are larger and generally more athletic than humans, and it makes sense they’d use that to their advantage. Especially considering how much athletes get paid.

“How did packs work before you separated from the humans?” I pry.

I think this is the first time I’ve ever asked him a question about himself or his people and didn’t have an ulterior motive. I wish I had more time to ask him things, but I can already tell he’s starting to notice something is off about me and it’s only a matter of time until he catches me in a lie.

I need to get out of here as soon as possible.

“We lived just like humans, but we disguised our packs as churches or exclusive clubs. We couldn’t exactly shift as freely as we do now, so a lot of wolves lived in the country with lots of wooded land and privacy,” he explains.

“What about the wolves who lived in the cities?” I ask.

I feel Caleb’s shoulders move as he shrugs.

“We’ve always been a close community. Neighbors helping neighbors type of stuff. I imagine they’d use another wolf’s land.”

Caleb begins massaging my lower back, the action odd until I realize it’s because he thinks I have a stomach ache and is trying to comfort me. He’s so thoughtful.

We continue to cuddle as Caleb finishes the game, and I resist the urge to laugh as he grumbles about the loss and carries me to bed.

“I can walk!” I laugh.

Caleb ignores me and continues to carry me through our bedroom and into the master bath. His eyes are dark as he helps me strip and turns on the shower, and I resist the urge to reach for him as he removes his clothing.

I want to be with him one last time, but I know I won’t be able to do it without crying and that’ll only draw unwanted attention. Not to mention the lie I’ve already told him about my stomach ache. He’d see right through me if I tried anything.

We shower together all the time, but tonight I milk every moment of it. I take my time washing him, and I memorize every muscle and curve of his naked body when he does the same to me. I even convince him to duck so I can wash his hair, and I work my fingers through the thick strands before tilting his head back and helping rinse them out.

He laughs when a bit of soap gets in his eye, the noise making it hard for me to breathe. He sounds so carefree and at peace. He has no idea.

“Keep it up, and you’re going to lose shampoo privileges,” he threatens, straightening up so he can run his face under the water.

I flick the back of his arm.

I’m able to keep my happy smile in place, HPAW having taught me how to fake my excitement in even the worst situations, but it’s hard.

Caleb doesn’t seem to notice anything significant is amiss. I can tell he’s curious, but not so much that he asks. He probably thinks it’s the stomach ache.

I’m wide awake when we finally crawl into bed, and I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling while I wait for Caleb to fall asleep. I don’t want to risk trying to rest and miss my opportunity, so I count the ceiling tiles and force myself to stay awake.

I need to leave, at the latest, a few hours before the sun rises. I also know many wolves like to stay out late and run around in the forest, so I need to ensure I leave late enough that they won’t still be out.

I’m unsure if Caleb has any guards or wolves in charge of surveilling the pack throughout the night, but if he does, I hope they don’t notice me.

Maybe if I drive fast enough, they won’t see who’s in the driver’s seat.

They’ll recognize the car, and I doubt they would try and stop Caleb.

It takes a lot of effort to keep my heartbeat steady, and I constantly need to suck in slow, even breaths to stay calm. I don’t want Caleb hearing it in his sleep and waking up to see what’s wrong.

Fuck.

Am I really going to do this? I have to.

This is bigger than Caleb and me. I need to protect the human population as a whole, and if I fail, so will they. I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing this for the millions of young human children who deserve to grow up in a world not plagued by war and fear.

The wolves have been spreading, and it’s only a matter of time before they take us over.

We don’t stand a chance against them, and we need to fight back while we still have the advantage of numbers. It’s our only hope.

I’m our only hope.

Caleb’s fingers twitch against my thigh, and I roll onto my side to watch him.

His chest rises and falls in a slow, even rhythm, and I watch his pupils dart behind his eyelids. He’s asleep. It’ll be another few hours before the time comes to kill him, and I reach into my pillowcase for my knife.

It’s exactly where I hid it earlier today, and I run my finger along the point before pulling it out. It’s lightweight, and I readjust my grip every few minutes when my palms grow sweaty.

Every second feels like an hour, and when the time finally comes, it takes everything in me to remain strong. I have to do this.

One slide to his neck and he will die. It’ll be quick, and the knife is sharp enough that it shouldn’t be too painful. It will slide right through his artery.

Despite my best attempts to stay calm, I feel my pulse begin to race as I glance at the clock and realize it’s three in the morning. The wolves should all be in bed by now, and the sun will be coming up in a few hours.

It’s time.

I suck in a slow breath and slide out of bed. I want to keep my body as far from Caleb as possible. He moves too quickly, and I need all the head start I can get before the blood loss makes him weak.

When I bit him, he was on top of me immediately, but maybe if I’m already out of bed, he won’t be able to grab me.

I’d also like to prevent him from dying on top of me.

Tears obscure my vision, and I hastily wipe them away before walking around the bed so I’m on the side closest to the door. Caleb is still sound asleep, and I stare at him for just one more moment. His dark eyelashes cast a shadow on the tops of his cheeks, and his full lips are open just the tiniest bit. I want to kiss him, to feel them on mine one last time, but I can’t take the risk.

He could wake up if I mess with him.

I wipe the sweat off my palm before tightening my hold on my knife. It’s now or never.

My movements are slow and calculated as I plant a knee into the bed and lean just close enough that I can reach him. I check to make sure his pupils are still fluttering behind his eyelids, confirming he’s asleep, before bringing the knife point to his neck.

It’s going to be quick and painless.

This is the most humane way to do it.

I’m sorry.

Chapter 20

The blade reflects the small amount of light coming in through the window, and I find myself distracted by it before shaking my head and forcing my attention back to Caleb.

Procrastinating is only prolonging the inevitable.

Is it coincidental that the hand I’m using to kill him is the same one that holds my mark? The color appears black in the dark, but maybe that’s just how it looks now.

I imagine killing your mate is enough to have it turn as black as night. It’ll be a permanent reminder to everybody, especially myself, of what I’ve done. Every day I’ll look at it and remember Caleb, and every day I’ll remember how it felt to sink my knife into his neck and watch the light die from his eyes.

The humans will paint me a hero, but I’m feeling anything but at the moment.

I look down at Caleb again, tracing his jaw’s shape with my eyes. It’s strong, and I can’t even count the number of times I’ve run my tongue across it while he thrusts into my body. It’s one of my favorite things to do, especially when he’s just shaved and the skin is still smooth.

Planting more weight on my knee, I lean closer and bring the knife to his neck. I pause before making contact with the blade, wanting to ensure I’m slicing the correct spot, before sucking in a slow breath and sinking down.

I feel like I’m watching through a movie screen, entirely disconnected as the tip of the sharp blade of the knife slice through his skin like butter. I apply more pressure, needing to make sure I cut entirely through his jugular, but a hand clamps around my wrist and yanks the knife to the side before I can completely slice through the vein.

Caleb doesn’t move, but his eyes are wide open as he yanks my hand to the side. The knife cuts down his neck and knicks his shoulder, and I scamper backward before he can get me. My butt hits the floor and shoots a painful spike of pain up my tailbone, but I ignore it and scramble to my feet.

He still doesn’t move.

The bloody knife is still in my fist, and I watch blood seep from Caleb’s neck and into the sheets below. His mouth is open, but no words emerge as he slaps his palm over his neck and sits up.

I can’t make out his expression, but I don’t bother trying to as I rush toward the door and throw myself down the stairs. There’s no banging of footsteps behind me, but I don’t take the risk and leave behind the bag I packed and hid in the entryway closet.

Caleb is awake, and I’m not sure if he’s going to live or not.

If he is, I need to get out before he gets his bearings and stops me.

The car keys are sitting on the entryway table, and I scoop them up before running barefoot to the car. It seems it’s been snowing, and I wince as I storm through it in a mad dash. In the planned scenario, I’d kill Caleb and have time to get dressed and ensure I have everything I need.

I didn’t want to risk waking him up by doing it beforehand, and I was confident it would work.

It should have worked.

There’s no time to dwell on his lack of response as I start the car and back out of the driveway. He still doesn’t appear, and I risk one last glance at the house before shifting into drive and putting the pedal to the floor. The engine gives a little whine before bursting into life, and I white knuckle the wheel as I leave.

If Caleb’s not dead, there’s a good chance he’s going to call in his wolves and get them to stop me.

I need to be out of the pack before he does so.

The radio’s blaring some pop music from when Caleb drove us home from Sash’s party the other week, and I turn it off so I can better hear any noises happening in the woods outside the vehicle. The wolves communicate through howls and barks, and I should be able to hear it.

It’ll be a good warning that they’re close.

My toes burn as the snow on my feet and legs melts, and I pull my eyes off the road for a moment to adjust to the heat. I need to use it sparingly to preserve as much gas as possible, so I’ll get the car to a tolerable temperature before turning it off.

I’d like to make it to HPAW without hypothermia.

It’s gotten exceptionally cold in the months I’ve been living with the wolves, and I curse Caleb for choosing to put his pack in the middle of Canada.

Sucking in a shaky breath, I refuse to let myself cry. I’ve known what I needed to do all along, and I put myself in this position to be sad. I should’ve worked harder to distance myself from Caleb.

My fingers are still covered in his blood, the red liquid smearing all over the wheel and gearshift. I hate having it on me, but I don’t have anything other than his shirt to wipe it off on. I like wearing his things to bed, and I don’t want to stain it with his blood.

I plan to keep it as some sick, twisted momento.

The road is empty, which I expected, but I find myself having to go a bit slower than I hoped thanks to the snow. The wolves will occasionally clear them in case of an emergency, but it’s been a while since they last did it, and it’s made the roads slippery.

At least the snow is sticky and there’s no ice.

It’d be humiliating if I went through all this work only to crash into a tree and die before even making it back to HPAW.

Despite my refusal to let myself cry, my body seems not to respect it as the tears leak down my cheeks. Caleb’s skin sliced so easily for the knife, and the way he looked at me when he sat up and brought a hand to it will haunt me forever.

His expression was so full of anger and disbelief, but there was no surprise.

He knew more than he let on, and he wasn’t shocked to wake up to me slitting his neck.

Fuck.

I run a shaky hand through my hair and blow out a tuft of air. How much did he know? When did he start to suspect? What even does he suspect?

Is he even alive?

Questions continue to swarm my mind, all of them blending until I can’t possibly make sense of them.

Does he have the borders guarded?

If he does, I can’t do anything about it now. It’s too late to change course and adjust my plan. I’ve thought out every detail of it. I didn’t bring my phone on me in case he’s tracking it, not that he wouldn’t be able to do the same to his car, so even if I wanted to change the route, there’s no way for me to.

I only memorized the one path to HPAW.

My lungs feel heavy and full of lead as I drive through the night. I’m exhausted, and eventually I have to turn the radio on to keep from falling asleep. I haven’t gotten a good night’s rest in days, the stress of having to kill Caleb making me restless.

I’ll be able to sleep once I’m safely back with HPAW.

If Caleb is alive, what’s he doing right now? Wolves heal quickly, but it still would’ve taken him a few minutes to gather enough strength to shift. By the time he reached his men and alerted them of my mistake, I would have been several miles out of his pack.

Still, wolves are fast and aren’t constricted to the roads as I am.

They can run through the forest to reduce travel time while I’m forced to drive around. They could very well be surrounding me or, even worse, already ahead. My eyes continually dart toward the trees, desperate to catch sight of any glowing eyes that might give the wolves away, but I don’t see anything.

Maybe Caleb is dead.

The thought steals my breath.

Would he have followed me downstairs? Were his final moments spent desperately trying to get to me, only to watch as I ran away? I wanted to stay with him until it was finished, but I got startled when he grabbed my hand and reacted before thinking.

It wouldn’t have killed me to pause for a second and take a better read of his health.

Did he understand that I betrayed him, or was he too confused in death to put the pieces together?

Tears make my vision blurry, and I angrily wipe them away. How dare I sit around sobbing over the death of a man responsible for millions of innocent human deaths? I watched him kill those men just outside his office.

He wasn’t even affected.

I’m fucking pathetic.

I fell in love with the man I was sent to kill, and now I sit around crying because he’s dead. I need to get myself under control before I meet HPAW. They expect me to be sad, but there’s a fine line between mildly upset and devastated.

If they see how deep my sorrow is, they’ll label me a wolf sympathizer and send me into the woods.

I’m sure the wolves won’t be happy with me for killing their Alpha, and I’m sure they’ll kill me without a second thought. I know I’d do the same if I were them.

My drowsiness continues to grow, but I feel better when the sun begins to rise. It helps keep me alert, and I shut off the radio the moment I feel I no longer need it to stay awake. There is still no sign of the wolves, but I know better than to trust that.

I’m sure they know by now what happened.

Caleb is gone and at the office most days by sunrise, and if he’s late, I don’t doubt Sash or Cole would go to his house and hurry him up. They did it once before when we got distracted in the morning and he didn’t leave on time.

I should have taken that as a hint.

They grew worried when he was late, so much so that they interrupted him with his mate. He warned them something was up with me.

Fuck.

I smash my hands against the wheel. I was blind not to notice that until just now. I’ve been trained to pick up on those subtle details, but it completely slipped my mind with everything going on. Caleb distracted me, and until I saw him execute those humans, I probably wouldn’t have gone through with this.

The sky is a haze of pinks and blues when I’m forced to pull over at a gas station. I’ve been near empty for a while now, and I don’t want to risk running out of gas in the middle of the road.

Fingers crossed these stations still work and are full of gas.

This part of Canada is deserted, not a wolf or human for miles, and I try the station doors only to discover they’re locked. Fuck.

I grab a rock and throw it at the glass as hard as possible. It smashes, and I’m careful not to cut my arm as I reach inside and flick the latch. The door squeaks as it opens, and I avoid stepping on any sharp glass as I enter.

This station has a tiny shop connected to it, and I immediately search the aisle for any warm clothing. I find a hat, thick socks, and a pair of large knockoff crocs. All of which I don’t hesitate to slip on.

I don’t want to waste time, and I head to the back room in search of a pump. HPAW told me what to look for, and I just about cry tears of joy when I finally find it. It’s relatively small but is surprisingly heavy to drag outside.

The cold wind burns where it hits my skin, and I kick around the snow until I find the small manhole cover. Bingo.

Running back inside, I find a screwdriver to pry it open.

It’s heavy, and the metal is so cold it feels like hugging ice, but soon I’ll be back in my moderately warm car. Once I have the cover off, I get the pump set up and bring the car around. There’s no electricity here, and the best way to get gas is by taking it directly from the underground tank.

Hopefully, I don’t blow myself up.

The pump is manual, but the physical labor does help warm me a bit. It takes what feels like forever before I see gas start pouring out, and I rush to secure the tube into my gas tank the second it does.

There’s no gauge for me to measure and see how full the car is, so I pump for a few minutes before moving the leaking tube a safe distance away and starting up the engine. The car’s only about halfway full, and I shut it off before continuing pumping.

My arms are going to be sore.

I secure the tube once more before sucking in a deep breath and kicking away the snow threatening to seep into my socks. My feet fucking ache, and so do my exposed arms and legs. The hat keeps my head warm, but that doesn’t mean much when the rest of my body is exposed to the frigid air.

Only a few more minutes and I can continue moving.

A loud sob erupts from my lips as I get to work on pumping up more gas, the stress of today finally bubbling over as I struggle to work it up. I’m tired and cold and hungry, and I just killed the man I love. Those aren’t the makings of a great day.

Or year.

Or even life.

Ignoring the tears, I continue to pump until the damn thing jams. It won’t fucking budge, and I resist the urge to scream as I place all my weight on it. Piece of fucking trash.

“You look like you could use some help.”

____

AHHHH somebody's there!!