Vent post (Sorry) (Patreon)

In short, I'm not okay.

I've been dealing with my terrible mind for these weeks
trying find what's wrong with me
hiding behind a smiling mask but that mask just broke.
I couldn't help but hide my whole self…
until I could actually find what's up with me,
or the strength to talk about it.

I was away because of my own weakness,
I'm 33 and I still feel like a failed Project.
Maybe the algorithm, maybe routine, maybe the world... or just me.
Am I really someone?

Change health with gym, but my habits still hold me back.
Improve my style but my head keeps screaming… IT'S NOT ENOUGH!
Draw a new thing, but I fear to be just another slop.
Play the new games but I can't, I have things to do and I don't wanna go alone anymore.
I crave to write my stories, but I don't know how to write a book.
Wanna be social but I have no idea how to talk freely.
I want to be honest but I end up faking a smile.
I wanna do trends but I hate myself for not finding that passion for the paid commissions I've got.
Watched so many tutorials, spent hours there… and forgot what I learned
Everything shouts -failed artist- all loud.

What do I need?
Time to feel better, just to end up back here over and over again?
Money? I wanna EARN IT, not to be thrown at me in pity.
Focus, I can't, my mind keeps giving me ideas and my style takes hours.
A reset, give everyone their money back, delete all the folders and start anew?
Take one thing at the time? Sounds easy for me, terrible hard for my mind.
Maybe, just maybe, do all of it.

Are you gonna be okay?
I wish
Give up and leave?
No, drawing is what I do and honestly… it's the only thing I have.
Are you gonna end yourself?
I'm stressed out, desperate, and I hate what I've become… but I would never do that.

What do you want?
I want to be honest.
to be fearless once more.
to find joy
to be healthy
to order this stupid brain
to write a book or a script at least
to be social
to be a gamer
to be an artist
to be BIGDON again.

Thank you for reading and sorry for this vent time.